*hugs!* I am glad that you are better, but that is absolutely heartbreaking. I sometimes write poetry when I'm sad, and when I go back and look at it later I realize how far I have come since then. I hope you are able to look at this and see that you are improving and feeling better than you were.

I don't believe that subs hold all the power or control in a d/s relationship, but I think that a lot of "dom" forget that subs do have SOME control. As a sub, I own my submission. Just because you are a dom, doesn't mean that you own me, or can dom me without me giving you that control over me. So when I have said the words "Subs are in control" I am mostly referring to being in control of my submission. I can stop or start my submission to somebody at anytime for any reason. No, I don't believe in using my safeword willy nilly (I actually have only used it less than 4 times in 8 months), but it is there if I need it.

I also agree with DrW's points about the submissive having control through their emotions and the Dom wanting to care for them. I would suffer for my sir if he asked me to, but it doesn't mean he is going to ask me to, because he knows that it isn't really what I want. That is a form of control. I also know that because he loves and cherishes me, my begging can sometimes pull at his heart strings and gives me a bit of control. I don't think this diminishes his power as my dom.

Overall I do agree with your points about subs and doms both having power in a relationship. I am of the belief, that that power is equal. But no, one party doesn't and can't control everything.

I have actually wondered this myself at times. I struggle with the spotlight being on me constantly, and I like to please other people. So sometimes, if we are doing a lot of playing, I feel like there is so much attention being given to me and I feel guilty that I am not doing anything for my Dom. But thank you all for shedding a bit of light to this question I have struggled with.

Precisely...the exchange isn't about equality, it's about fulfilling needs in a mutually beneficial relationship.

Having a friend is for sure one of the things I get out of it as well! Good point!

I get what you're saying with the other points. It's kind of like that for me. I would say that I get mental satisfaction out of it. It's not even about shooting my load. Sometimes I don't even think about that. Domming stimulates me in a different way. It stimulates my brain in a sexual way!

Like M.G. said above me, I think each Dom gets something different out of it. I know some guys like to cum and call it a night, some do it to feel better or feel in control, others might do it because they like caring for someone... Whatever the reason, if you both get what you want, that should be good!

I agree that both parties can say no and that it's not a good argument to say that subs have all the power. They don't!

But... a Dom doesn't have all the singular power either.
It's hard to explain, but it's about caring. When you care about your submissive, you give him/her so much power with that. A sub can care about the Dom, but that's a different kind of care. Not the looking-after kind that I mean. When a sub gets really sad doing something, a caring Dom will probably alter the play and the tasks. Not because the submissive refuses to submit, but because caring for him/her has given the sub power.

Also, BAGOOM made me think of Gollum shouting BAGGINS when he was tortured in Mordor. Was that his safeword?

I honestly think that it is different for every dom, however, I do agree that we don't actually need to perform the act itself to be aroused/able to get off. Honestly, there are moments in a play session, where controlling the my partner has left me with an intense, warm feeling inside my entire body - best way I would describe this feeling is like having an entire body orgasm without touching yourself and it starts from deep inside you body, before expanding throughtout your body.

I, myself, find being a dom 'satisfying'/'get off' on the emotions my sub feels and expresses, the creative aspect of trying to blow and excite the sub's mind every time, the connection between my sub and I, the small gifts she leaves and most importantly, I find myself, enjoying helping someone and honestly, helping someone with such intimates acts are indescribable.

Heh, just my 2 cents

I have always, since my introduction to the D/s dynamic, stated that Doms and subs are equally powerful in their relationships. Without both, the relationship does not exist, and both have the ability to walk away. Dominance and submission are opposites of the same coin, and it takes both to make the D/s work. So, the Dominant has just as much power as the submissive in the relationship. That's why it's an exchange.

All good things in your blog aside (I see D/s as a very equal relationship in terms of the power exchange), I'm really stuck on your word choice of subservient as a definition of a submissive.
According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the first definition of subservient is, "useful in an inferior capacity." Also, "less important than something or someone else."

Respect, is that word and meaning which is broken down from how each was raised. As, I have said. A very touchie subject matter, that hits nerves in all degrees. A word, that could be written on over and over again. Key factor, is each person believes in according to it. As what be stated by so many.

A well written view!

Certainly a thought provoking and well written blog, I agree with the basic premise but I lean more towards NLG's definitions though from what you've both written. I can be kind to someone I don't respect and I can respect someone I don't feel kind towards - they are differing emotions.

I would take respect as the backbone of humanity rather than kindness, I respect other peoples religions, views and beliefs, rights, life, etc as a basic level of respect that all of humanity. Of course we should try to be kind to people as well but I view that as separate to levels of respect that are earnt.

I can also respect peoples positions/roles - i.e. my boss at work, police officer, forum moderator, college lecturer even if I don't respect the person fulfilling that role. Which I would take as another exception to the respect rules you posted.

Nicely written, great to see blogs like this to get us all thinking about the words we toss around each day.

Hear, hear. Well said. I don't really have anything else to add.

Can't argue with this. You sir, nailed it.

@ An_Jon: Like I said, I think that we just use the words differently I think I use respect to both mean basic politeness and courtesy and then also to mean specific regard for someone, while you are applying it exclusively to the latter meaning. It;s just how we've each worked it out in our own minds. And I agree, you can appreciate aspects of a person's life and work, and not necessarily have a lot of respect for the person themselves. That I have experienced in situations with various professors (and a few bosses).

I agree with most of this, and I think where I disagree it's mainly just because I call the same concepts by different names.

I think of respect as having different levels. There is a very basic level which I personally think everyone is entitled to based on the fact they are a human being. This includes being polite (a practice determined by society, I suppose) and kind only to what is (forgive me) but absolutely necessary. Kindness in addition to that I feel is going above and beyond. So, for instance, one is not obligated to hold the door open for someone, but you also don't cut in front of the old lady who is about to go through the door - one is more kindness, the other basic respect.

Then there are levels of initial respect dictated by the situation. If I am in someone's house, there is automatically an increased level of respect for them because I am on their turf. The same goes for being in a professor's class - they have authority there - working for someone - they have authority over me as their employee - and so forth.

But this is all just initially for me. As I get to know people that level of respect either increases or decreases. The professor who is brilliant and yet cannot communicate nor be bothered to care about his students will only have my respect as an intellectual, but certainly not as an educator. The boss who blames everyone for her own lack of skills and ethic will lose my respect, while the boss who is attentive to employees, sets a good example, etc., will obviously gain it.

It's that initial respect, which is honestly for me a very general, blanket concept (not something that's really tailored to individuals), that I think we differ on. I do, however, see that concept of polite respect being abused horribly on here though. Every time a dominant type assumes because he/she has named themselves such they are owed X, it's an incorrect application of that polite respect (or kindness, as you put it).

At the same time, I believe there is a basic degree of respect people can and ought to expect - for instance (and you mentioned this), I can reasonably expect that when I say no, stranger from the interwebs, I am not comfortable sending you pictures therefore I will not, that my decision will be respected. That gets back to the respect you show someone on their turf. Similarly, when messaging someone I think one ought to be respectful - you are entering into their sphere (and I mean respectful within reason). Refraining from calling me a bitch and demanding I suck him off doesn't make the random interwebs dude kind, as I perceive it, just basically respectful.

The rest I agreed with wholeheartedly, and I really, really, really loved what you said about entitlement and expecting the same gesture in return, such as with sharing pictures. One of my biggest frustrations is when people attempt to guilt trip me into sharing pictures because they threw me an unsolicited dick pic. I even had one person ask me if I thought it would be a good idea to "convince" his sub friend to show him hers if he showed her his. That kind of manipulation is disgusting.

Whelp good night everyone, An_Jon just won the Internet.

Ha! Brilliant! I'm very, very impressed by this explanation not just of respect, but of the whole gamut of issues about relationship surrounding it.

And one of the most impressive points is that of kindness needing to be shown to everyone first, an aspect of human interaction that's sadly overlooked time and time again, especially on the interwebs.

Thank you, Jon.

This explains respect down to a wire.

Good luck with the writing job especially!