Really well said techie girl. This doesn't restrict itself to online or bdsm but domestic violence of course. The women always blame themselves.. ' I must not upset him again' ' I know he'll change if I just don't aggravate him'' and on it goes..

Good men need to lead the charge to change or am I being too optimistic ?

To all creepy person out there. Feel free to creep at me. I gladly add you to my ignore list and get rid of you once and for all. Better now than later, when I am not in such a good mood to happily click away your annoyance.

Frankly, I don't like such behavior either. If it would just go away with blog entries like these. On the other hand, it won't get away any bit more by not educating those people. *sigh*

Butterfly - I'm Canadian too ☺

I'm glad you are getting better and that you have found someone that helps you get better too. ☺ I hope to someday.

This truly resonates with me. I am also emotionally fucked up. Although I can honestly say I am starting to get a bit better. I am the sorry person ... I always joke that I am Canadian so it is expected but I know I apologize more than I should. If somebody is mad at me, I end up apologizing to them .... how does that even make sense? But I do it, because I am so scared of other people being mad at me and rejecting me and leaving.

Like I said, I am getting a bit better. Things with Asslvr feel a lot more secure than any other relationship I have ever been in. He is very good at telling me, not just that he loves me, but that he is thinking about me, he adores me and cares about me and that he is afraid to lose me too! Those things, along with him doing things that prove that those things are true, have really helped me feel more secure. I don't feel like he is going to run away from me if I say or do the wrong thing.

But when it comes to other people in my life, I still get apprehensive and avoid conflict and compulsively apologize.

I really relate to this. That's all I am used to as well. I do exactly the same things almost. That's a very good way to describe it though.
Same with what masterwants said. Actions show more than words.

It can be hard not to beat yourself up sometimes and panic about how others perceive or feel about you.

I guess with others I'm always looking outside of the words. Words are great, but i need the actions to back up what they say. Don't just say you love me or care about me, how have you shown me that lately through your actions?

You are so wonderful and I am so glad you have had a chance to look back and see how far you have come, because you really have come so far. You should be proud of yourself! I am! I know how hard it can be sometimes.

Thanks for the share. Its good to be reminded from time to time that we are playing with things that can go wrong quite easy.
I like to push my pet, she likes to be pushed. Still I tend to builtup step-by-step. And be very responsive and atentive to "how it goes".
Online play can be even more tricky. I cannot see my pet. And if something goes wrong I cannot assist.

Excellent blog post, techiegirl! I am sorry that you had that happen to you, hopefully you have recovered in the weeks since!

I have a couple of stories to share as well, on the risk/reward front

I was tied once, with my hands over my head. Not TOO long, but I thrashed about a bit during the play . I ended up not being able to move my shoulder muscle on my left arm for about 6 weeks. This was the exact nerve injury, for those curious:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurapraxia
I share this story to point out that safety is relative, and that sometimes weird things happen!

Another time I was doing suspension like you. I was tied upside down with my hands and feat above me and my head about 2 feet off the ground. It was a fun session. I wasn't worried because I had watched a couple of guys bounce with all of their weight on the beam that I was hung from and a massive bolt with a hook end went all the way through the beam. Afterward, a couple of hours later, we were all sitting around chatting while a guy was hanging from the rope attached to the bolt that I was suspended on. He was just casually leaning on it, swinging about when all of a sudden the nut, which was apparently slightly too big, stripped from the bolt and he and the bolt went crashing to the floor. That could have been my head!
I share story this just to point out that many people, even 'veterans', make mistakes, and even when you think something is safe, you really really have to be thorough!

It takes a lot of courage and strength to battle depression, because it is something that takes initiative away from you. It robs you of even the desire to be normal again. What you have achieved is phenomenal. Unfortunately, many who were in the same state as you - don't ever get to help themselves.

Yes, you really have a lot to be thankful for - especially your friend who helped you through it.

You have a good amount of things to be thankful for. Here, we don't celebrate thanksgiving but it's always good to remember that there is almost always things to be thankful for!

Rock on.. Techiegirl, you are awesome!
For if you ever go for the possible future dom, just make it extra clear that you wish to incorporate your scenes and play partner. They are important to you. They are helping you grow too, right?
Perhaps the future dom could get creative with those things with you?

You are a beautiful girl! And I am so glad you aren't letting others tell you that you don't look the "right" way.

I have struggled with body image for a long time. I am overweight and short and stumpy and I don't think I am pretty. But I have learned that Asslvr loves the way I look and he loves who I am as a person which is even more important.

Keep being you beautiful.

Hi, I'm a random stranger off the internet, come to give you his opinion!

I think looks *are* important, but there's a whole range of tastes. And what's far more important to people is personality, how you hold yourself, how you approach and interact with other people, and so on. That's what makes the big impression on people.

So actually, that's the same comment as the one above. I thought it was going to be more original when I started typing. Never mind.

On edit: Forgot to say, I think you look hot, from your profile pic

This is probably the best blog post I have read in a while. You don't have to live your life the way people want you to - whether you are a Dom or a sub, you have the right to be who you are. Your body is gonna be beautiful to the right person - and so will your personality, the way you chew, the position you prefer to sleep at night. That person is the right person - not the ones who try to change you in to who they want you to be.

Wow....
A very well written blog about how i enjoy Ds.
I hope you find your Dom.
It will not be easy, but at the same time you can be assured that the Dom you will find is already looking for you for a long time. Because there are not so many subs that suit him.

You aren't alone in wanting your Dom to "conquer" you. Just like respect, submission is something that must be earned and cannot be simply demanded.

A Dom who is not up to that task does not deserve your submission.

Facing and working through your issues is healthy - but it's no good to be in a state of distress, sorrow, or frustration 24/7! Taking breaks to let go is often critical for healing. If you feel better during and after the session, your mind has time to rest. That, in turn, will eventually help you figure out what to do with the bigger issues. It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing for yourself.

Actually I found facing the pain, isn't always the healthiest.

Sometimes the best way to get rid of pain is to do something that helps you forget.

Think about this way, everyone feels pain and goes through it but eventually they forget it.

So in a way it's human nature to find ways to forget about pain.

<3 loved this blog my twin

This whole "facing your pain" thing is overrated. If you were admitted to a hospital with an injury, the first thing they give you are pain-killers to reduce the pain. The reason is not just for the patient comfort - physical pain initiates the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones are good in the short term - if you are being attacked by a sabre-toothed tiger, these hormones will give you the energy you need to run away. However, when you are in constant pain, these hormones elevate blood pressure, increase blood glucose levels, etc.

The strange thing is - painful, depressing emotions and anxiety elicit the release of the same stress hormones. So this "facing your pain" damages your body over time.

If BDSM helps you forget your emotional distress - go for it. It is a much healthier choice than alcohol, pharmaceuticals or street drugs - which people eventually gavitate to, if they have no other choice. You are fortunate that you have discovered what helps you overcome those emotions.

So no - submission is not a bad thing. As you have discovered, it is a beautiful thing.