Trying to Cope: An Extensive Update

May 2nd was the day that my ex-slave and I went our separate ways, nine days before what would be our one year anniversary. I didn’t know why she had decided to break up with me as she was vague and she said it had to do with her not revealing personal information about people. I know now what the situation is and I will get into that later in the entry.But I took the break up really hard.

I had decided to get back into the BDSM realm but I would be taking my role as a submissive rather than a dominant. It would just be too difficult to get into a dominant state of mind at the time. However, at the time I still wasn’t completely sure if this is what I wanted so I needed to test it. Cue my first entry back into a state of submission…

My parents were going to be gone for a few days in late May and about a year ago one of my good friends had dominated me as a kind of a “Dare Master” more than anything else, and I asked her if she would be willing to dominate me again and she accepted. We talked a bit about stuff we could do and what I wanted from the experience and I was so excited when the day came where she would have complete control over me for about three days. I know she probably doesn’t want me to talk about this, but several things came up that kind of didn’t make the experience go as planned and well it ended badly. I had a fun time with what I was able to do, you can read about one such experience, in my non-fiction story but needless to say I was upset and now I was even more confused if I was ready to be dominated.

However, we did manage to talk a little bit more and then there was another hiccup. Due to some misunderstanding in some cases, I got hurt emotionally by my friend who was my Mistress a few days prior and well that did cause me to over react. And before I go into this further I would like to say that this situation was not her fault, and it wasn’t my fault it was just some bad communication. But due to my overreaction to certain things, I became invisible on skype and yahoo to her and tried to make my visits to getdare minimal so that I would just seem to simply disappear from existence, or at least from her existence. Also I’m not going into huge details about what the situation is because well, I choose not to and personally I think it’s just business between me and her.

During this whole situation though I still was keeping contact with another one of my friends I had recently made and she was helping me through the situation as best as she could. During this withdrawl from my friend though, cue my second entry back into a state of submission…

Shortly before I “broke up” with my friend I had posted my first slave ad, and of course as a guy, I wasn’t getting any responses, so I know that when searching for someone it is important to post an ad as well as actively search for yourself. One female dominant caught my attention and I responded to her ad. Later that night, she asked me for my skype or kik, preferably both. I only have Skype so I gave that to her and we talked a bit and I found out pretty early on that she likes to snuggle which is ok because I’m a sunggler too. A week later we became a D/s couple with me being the submissive obviously. We both took steps outside our comfort zone. She normally doesn’t take switches and I usually don’t go after people who are engaged or married. Of course it wouldn’t be until later until my mind clicked that the Mistress who had casually dominated me in the past was married and I knew that but didn’t/don’t have any problems with that.

Unfortunately after that week of us together, the relationship quickly went south. It was party my fault with my emotions and it was partly my Master’s fault. We were talking about body writing and I said I don’t have a problem with as long as it’s not every day and then my Master said five words that I absolutely hate, five words I can’t stand, five words that bring up bad memories that literally make me sick to my stomach “Like…you…have…a…choice.” I hate these words with a vengeance and if you want to know why I suggest you read my blog entry called “Submissives Do Have a Choice.” And she said these words right before she left on a two week vacation, left with nothing but a task I was to do daily while she was gone that got really boring…really quickly.

The good news about all of this is that this exact same day, I was feeling really guilty, and I messaged my friend that I had broke up with that I had gone invisible from her life, and why I had done it, and that I felt really bad about it. We had a pretty intense conversation that night but I am happy to announce that after that conversation, we are still now very close friends and I am no longer invisible from her and we usually manage to talk on a daily basis. I honestly would not trade her friendship for the world.

Cue back to my Master arriving back from her vacation. Before she left she said that when she got back we would need to talk about my attitude and that she was going to be a lot stricter with me, however if she used the “I don’t have a choice” stuff again, I was leaving, no questions asked. Some more things happened that made me think that our relationship wasn’t going to last much longer and I was thinking whether I should leave her now while I’m not emotionally attached, or leave her when I would have to later and suffer another heartbreak. It seemed like an obvious choice, but it actually wasn’t. I have a very kind heart and I didn’t want to break hers by leaving. However, my decision was made very easy because on the first of July we both agreed that our relationship wasn’t really working out and we mutually broke it off with once again no bad blood, we’re still friends, but once again I was a free agent.

And now we cue to present day. When we rekindled our friendship my friend who had casually dominated me in the past and I were talking and I called her Mistress even though she wasn’t playing with me at the time. She asked me if she had heard me right in that I referred to her as Mistress and I didn’t deny it and well that’s where we are today. So not only is my friend my friend but she is my “Mistress.” Notice that I put that in quotations because we are not officially in a D/s relationship. It’s not because we don’t like each other but actually the complete opposite. It’s because we like each other that we don’t engage in an official D/s relationship. If you become friends with somebody and then start a D/s relationship…that could be bad news, especially if the relationship ends badly. Because then you have all the drama that you have to deal with and very rarely, at least in my experiences, the friendship cannot go back to where it was, which is why I usually engage in D/s relationship with people I don’t know beforehand. But aside from this she occasionally plays with me when she wants to, and just because she is my “Mistress” does not mean I am not actively looking for someone to be my new owner. My “Mistress” may be protective of me but she’s not going to bite your head off like a praying mantis if you approach me asking to be my new owner..unless you piss her off or hurt me, then you need to start worrying.

Now at the very beginning of this entry I mentioned my ex-slave and unfortunately that’s where this story ends. On June 6th, I sent my ex-slave an ultimatum. I had sent her a message three weeks before this…then two weeks before this…and we had talked about still communicating as friends and I had not heard anything from her. My ultimatum was that if I would not hear from her within a month, I would just assume that she wanted nothing to do with me and that I would leave her alone from then on. July 6th came…no response. Then July 7th came…response…this is when the second atomic bomb dropped.

It was bad enough that I had been mourning the past two months about losing someone who was very important to me someone that I loved deeply, but no apparently that wasn’t good enough as I needed to be destroyed more. I can say with what she wrote…almost every shred of sorrow I has regarding the situation with her…turned to rage. Yeah it was that bad. This person I had given more than a year of my life to had been lying to me since day one. She told me that she did not live in Florida, she actually lived in another state, which I won’t say what it is to protect her anonymity, but this state is where she said her parents lived. Adding on to that chances are that she probably did not live alone as she told me but lived with her parents, and if that’s the case there is no POSSIBLE way for her to do all of the task that I assigned her so yeah and that’s just the stuff I know about. Who knows what else she lied to me about? I don’t even know this person anymore!

That news would be bad enough but do you realize the implications this has on me. I am afraid of my life that if I start another online relationship with a person, I will quit a few weeks in because I don’t know if I can really trust a person or not. I am used to trusting people very easily but this…this just shattered that into a million pieces. Have you ever tried to do a one million piece jigsaw puzzle? I haven’t but I bet it’s hard to put back together. So yeah it wasn’t bad enough that my heart had been broken but you also had to break my trust in humanity. So yeah as of right now I can count the amount of people I truly and fully trust on one hand, once again myself included, and those two people know who they are and probably a lot of people know who those two others are as well.

So there was no real purpose in this entry except to let those who are concerned know what has been going on and get this off my chest. I know it was long, but for those of you who took the time to read this, my thanks go out to you.