Anxiety.
Posted 01-16-2019 at 02:00 PM by IceMaiden
I have managed to mostly control my anxiety for the last few years or at least work through it and handle it relatively well the majority of the time. That changed just before Christmas last year when I was laying in bed one night and quite by accident found a small lump in my right boob. All sorts of scenarios ran through my head that night. Because it was around Christmas time I couldn't see my doctor immediately and had to wait for a week before I was able to go into the surgery and have him check me over.
Fortunately he wasn't too worried and told me he was 99% sure the lump was harmless. However because of my age and my family history of cancer, he was referring me to a breast clinic to be 100% sure. Two days after that appointment I recieved a letter with my next appointment at the breast clinic, which is where I will be going tomorrow morning.
I am nervous. I am scared. Even with my doctor's 99% sure claim of it being harmless. While there isn't a history of breast cancer in my family, there is a history of cancer. I lost my nan to it when I was 7 and my grandma to it 4 years ago. Waiting for this appointment has stirred up a lot of negative memories. I was too young to remember much of losing my nan, but I remember everything about my Grandma's fight against it. I remember watching her slowly fade and seeing her near the end and at the end. I remember sitting with her as she passed, absolutely heartbroken. I don't want to face the same. I don't want to go through that.
Rationally, I know the chances of it being serious are slim. At least, if my doctor is good at his job, it is. I am putting a lot of trust and faith in his 99%. But that doesn't stop me wondering about the alternative. It doesn't stop me wanting to break down. It doesn't stop the fear from threatening to overwhelm me. In a little over 12 hours I will be prodded and poked while I have various tests and scans. Soon after that I will recieve the results of these tests and scans. And I am scared.
Fortunately he wasn't too worried and told me he was 99% sure the lump was harmless. However because of my age and my family history of cancer, he was referring me to a breast clinic to be 100% sure. Two days after that appointment I recieved a letter with my next appointment at the breast clinic, which is where I will be going tomorrow morning.
I am nervous. I am scared. Even with my doctor's 99% sure claim of it being harmless. While there isn't a history of breast cancer in my family, there is a history of cancer. I lost my nan to it when I was 7 and my grandma to it 4 years ago. Waiting for this appointment has stirred up a lot of negative memories. I was too young to remember much of losing my nan, but I remember everything about my Grandma's fight against it. I remember watching her slowly fade and seeing her near the end and at the end. I remember sitting with her as she passed, absolutely heartbroken. I don't want to face the same. I don't want to go through that.
Rationally, I know the chances of it being serious are slim. At least, if my doctor is good at his job, it is. I am putting a lot of trust and faith in his 99%. But that doesn't stop me wondering about the alternative. It doesn't stop me wanting to break down. It doesn't stop the fear from threatening to overwhelm me. In a little over 12 hours I will be prodded and poked while I have various tests and scans. Soon after that I will recieve the results of these tests and scans. And I am scared.
Total Comments 13
Comments
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Posted 01-16-2019 at 03:24 PM by owlart -
Posted 01-16-2019 at 03:56 PM by Blue Fox -
Posted 01-16-2019 at 05:36 PM by Dman1212 -
Posted 01-16-2019 at 05:50 PM by Heart -
Posted 01-16-2019 at 08:50 PM by Jaro -
Posted 01-17-2019 at 12:20 AM by Matt: -
Posted 01-17-2019 at 06:25 AM by lilith_ -
Sending you all the prayers and positive thoughts!
Posted 01-17-2019 at 11:43 AM by eivins -
Posted 01-17-2019 at 01:40 PM by MarvHarvey -
Posted 01-19-2019 at 03:48 PM by IceMaiden
Updated 01-19-2019 at 03:51 PM by IceMaiden -
Posted 01-20-2019 at 01:29 PM by Blue Fox -
Posted 03-22-2019 at 08:35 AM by IceMaiden -
Posted 03-22-2019 at 08:47 AM by Heart