Why So Serious?
Posted 04-08-2017 at 11:59 AM by KHdominant
No points if you know where that title comes from.
Why So Serious?
Or more acurately, why am i not serious enough? It's a comment i've had before from a couple of prospective subs, that i'm not serious enough for them. One that really made me take a step back and think (actually was the reason i stepped away for a month or so over Christmas).
I thought i was serious. Serious enough to find GetDare and other similar sites. Serious enough to hang around for a couple of years. Serious enough to write an Advert and pursue a submissive. What more serious could i be?
Well, eventually, the answer has come to me. I am serious, but i'm not intensive.
But what's the difference? Well "Serious" to me is equivalent to "genuine". I'm a genuine person and i mean it when i say i want a submissive, enough to put time and effort into searching, contacting, communication and effort into the relationship itself.
"Intensive" to me is more on the level of the relationship. I'm not intensive, i am a more relaxed Dominant. I prefer a simplistic framework of rules and tasks, to build up slowly over time.
That i can understand, might come across as lazy or as "weak". This isn't true at all, i'm just not here for a quick rush. I want a real connection to be built over time. To make sure i get my side of things right.
Honestly, i think this is a great thing. But it won't gel with everyone. Some people need the intensity quicker, that's fine for them. It's not me.
So going forwards, i am going to be more open about this. That i want to take it slower. That i am not intensive. I don't want to be the 24/7 Controller right off the bat.
Hopefully this blog can provide a reference in the future to help me get this across. And hopefully i can find the right type of submissive and we can build a great relationship.
Just slightly annoying it took so long and such self confidence knocks to get here. But i am here.
Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.
Why So Serious?
Or more acurately, why am i not serious enough? It's a comment i've had before from a couple of prospective subs, that i'm not serious enough for them. One that really made me take a step back and think (actually was the reason i stepped away for a month or so over Christmas).
I thought i was serious. Serious enough to find GetDare and other similar sites. Serious enough to hang around for a couple of years. Serious enough to write an Advert and pursue a submissive. What more serious could i be?
Well, eventually, the answer has come to me. I am serious, but i'm not intensive.
But what's the difference? Well "Serious" to me is equivalent to "genuine". I'm a genuine person and i mean it when i say i want a submissive, enough to put time and effort into searching, contacting, communication and effort into the relationship itself.
"Intensive" to me is more on the level of the relationship. I'm not intensive, i am a more relaxed Dominant. I prefer a simplistic framework of rules and tasks, to build up slowly over time.
That i can understand, might come across as lazy or as "weak". This isn't true at all, i'm just not here for a quick rush. I want a real connection to be built over time. To make sure i get my side of things right.
Honestly, i think this is a great thing. But it won't gel with everyone. Some people need the intensity quicker, that's fine for them. It's not me.
So going forwards, i am going to be more open about this. That i want to take it slower. That i am not intensive. I don't want to be the 24/7 Controller right off the bat.
Hopefully this blog can provide a reference in the future to help me get this across. And hopefully i can find the right type of submissive and we can build a great relationship.
Just slightly annoying it took so long and such self confidence knocks to get here. But i am here.
Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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I think this is wonderful! I am on the same page as you. Both as a domme and a sub, I want things to go slow and build up slowly. I am very serious when it comes to commitment and dedication to a relationship, but I am not intense.
I find that there are some people who like to start with a bang! They want intense play with full control right away. This can be fun, but I don't think it is sustainable over a longer period of time.
For me, I need to build up trust, get used to rules, see how things work and adjust as necessary. I deffinetly have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings, and I need time to figure those out and then express them.
Neither one of the above are the wrong way, or the right way, it is whatever works for you, and it is very good that you came to this realization so that you can let others know and not waste time on people who are looking for something different.
Good luck in your search!Posted 04-08-2017 at 03:23 PM by Butterfly 
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Very good blog post. Indeed there is nothing un-serious about you. As a matter of fact: it seems to me you are actually more serious than a lot of wannabe doms here that talk about slave contracts and punishments right of the bat!
Yes, being intense or not has nothing to do with seriousness. It's just about the style of play.
I hope you have found, or will find, a sub who understands the difference.Posted 04-08-2017 at 08:24 PM by Jaro
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Hi,
There is nothing wrong with being carefull. I know it can be frustrating. Finally you found some sub,... then she dumps you because you're too carefull.
But... 100x better then bypassing your standards and ending up discovering you have become abusive.
My advice: never go beyond what you feel comfortable with. this applies for doms, and certainly for subs.
A sub may "hornily want you to be more intense", but at the same time,... and especially when intense,... would want to trust that you withhold when it becomes too much.
Going intense in a safe way can only be done if you (as a dom) have a complete good feeling and understanding about that.
Some may be able to reach that state quickly, but personally i think it takes time to get there. My pet and myself play very intense, but it has taken a lot of time to get there. For each broadening of scope we talk long. It took 1 month of talking before we finally dared to do our last stepup in challenge.
The truth is, the amount of serious players (both doms and subs) is very small. It's just like in rl. Finding the right partner taks time, it takes a few month easily.
So,.. my advice,...
NEVER compromise on your standards!!
You will find the right lady. It just takes some time.
(read some blogs of myself or my pet if you want to have some insights in our dynamic)Posted 04-09-2017 at 04:56 AM by sir sam
Updated 04-09-2017 at 05:01 AM by sir sam -
This blog makes me very happy. I identify very much with you, and I think you're on the right path. Your ability to self-search and arrive at this answer is astounding and a testament to your ability to take someone under your wing and, with the right connection, help them blossom (or simply tend to them) as a beautiful submissive human being.
I hope you find a sub who is looking for your kind of attention! This really made my day. Keep writing!!
Posted 04-09-2017 at 08:59 AM by iSpuds
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You have pretty amazing timing with this blog!
I was just having a discussion with my Almost about what words to use to define our relationship. By my definition we're serious, as we've been doing D/s for 3 years now. But it's always weird for me especially because I'm pretty open with my vanilla friends. Explaining to them that a LDR primarily conducted on the internet with lots of cybersex and not even remotely headed toward a typical living together type relationship is what qualifies as serious for me.
And from a kink aspect, I don't think it's a lazy way to conduct a relationship to not constantly be keyed up and using high protocol address and conducting heavy scenes for every interaction. I've actually found that the only way to make this work for me is to do the opposite. When we started, we tried having rules and it started feeling more chore-like to me. Now our whole relationship operates at a pretty casual level and at this point the only rules we have are:Complete honesty
It makes it way easier for us to talk to each other like real people* and share things because we can slip easily between talking about our days or something that's worrying one of us to flirts and requests from me for toys and him asking if I have time to do something for him.
Real life comes first
Keep on looking, I'm sure you'll find a sub who wants the same type of dynamic you do and will appreciate your dedication to making sure it fits for both of you!
*I'd like to clarify briefly that I'm only saying this is the relationship style that best suits my partner and I. I know there are plenty of couples who operate with strict protocols and such. I really do think one of the most beautiful parts of the community is the attention a caring couple puts into tailoring their relationship to suit their personalities and desires.
Posted 04-09-2017 at 08:15 PM by kittenlyss
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Wow! Thank you so much for the supporting comments, everyone.
Fills me with confidence and hope <3Posted 04-10-2017 at 02:50 PM by KHdominant 
