My response to Techie re Abuse

Techies blog about consent and the thin line between consent and abuse was very well said. It also struck a cord for me and as I started to type my comment I realized how long it was and decided to post it as a blog of my own.q

First I grew up being emotionally and verbally abused by my father. When I left his house with my mom at 16, it was the most freeing day of my life and I still consider it the best day of my life.

I worked at a shelter for abused woman and children and I learned that my father was abusive in many different ways that I didn't realize. Even just the types of control he exerted was considered abuse. I became an advocate for victims of abuse. I was educated and aware of the different types of abuse and signs of abuse.

I became suspicious that my best friend was in an abusive relations. I saw a lot of the early signs and tried to warn her. I started asking those vague questions to her to try and make her see it on her own, but she couldn't. So I talked with her and told her my feelings. But she didn't want to see it. So I did everything I could to support her until he isolated her from me. Finally 6 months later, after he had broken her leg, she broke up with him and came back to me.

I never thought I could let it happen to me again. I always said if a man hit me, I was gone. If he called me names, even in anger, it was over.

But abuse comes in many different forms.

After 5 years or being in a relationship with a man I thought I loved, I was very unhappy. I was pretending to be happy but the truth is, I knew he had emotionally abandoned me on a few occasions. I still have a hard time using the word "abusive" in regards to that relationship but it definetly was controlling and isolating. But I was very good at hiding those things and hiding my unhappiness. Even from myself. Finally after 6 years, I ended the relationship. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but in reflection I really did start to notice all of the little things he did, all of the control he exerted of my life without my consent.

Consent really is the most determining factor.

However consent is tricky. Especially in a D/s relationship. I never realized that I had no consented to what was happening in my relationship because I didn't know it was happening. It took a long time for me to realize.

And I think too, some people who are new to BDSM don't understand what a healthy D/s relationships is supposed to look like. Maybe it is because they are new and uneducated, maybe they have read 50 shades and that is what they are basing their expectations on or maybe they have only ever had partners who cross that line and just don't realize that isn't the way it should/could be.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe there is one right way to do D/s. Honestly, different strokes for different folks ... do what works for you. But there are definetly factors that need to be present for it to be a healthy relationship: communication, consent, trust, etc. And there are things that shouldn't: fear (I don't mean the arousing fear of not knowing what is going to happen next, but rather being so afraid of somebody that you will do anything they say to protect yourself).

I know for me it is difficult when I suspect a relationship might be unhealthy because of a few reasons:

1. I don't want to scare away he victim by making accusations. I want to gain their trust so that they don't feel like I am attacking them. Because if I scare them away then I can't help them.

2. I don't want to cause a problem where there isn't any. It is sometimes hard to see things from the outside. People keep things private and maybe what they are showing is all consensual and makes them happy. I never want to ruin a happy relationships.

3. I don't want to lose friends or upset anybody. The is a big one for me. I need people's approval and I hate to have people upset at me.

But the fact is, it is really hard to see the big picture while you are a part of it and a lot of the time, you need somebody to help you see what you are blinded to.

I never gave anybody the opportunity to see that side of my relationship and so I wasted 6 years of my life being unhappy and changing who I was. If somebody had approached me and told me that it wasn't healthy, I probably would have been pissed. But it may have made me examine my relationship better and earlier and it could have saved me a lot of emotional damage.

That is why it is important to speak up. Even if that means asking vague questions to start. Because at least that is a step in the right direction.

*sorry if this is rambly and full of errors, it is morning time and it was written on my phone