My Wish

I've cried after scenes. Hell, I've cried during scenes. Not for the reasons that most dominants want. I never shed a tear from pain and any crying done post-scene was from a subdrop.

About, two days ago, around 2am, I decided to be a total brat to my dominant. Now, this isn't exactly news and I was doing it in a playful teasing way. So, he decided to 'express his dominance' in a playful and teasing way.

So, yesterday, after wearing my Kitty Collar for about an hour, with the leash attached and connect to the foot of my bed, Sinister decided that I wasn't going to orgasm for the next two days.

Day one, was no touching. For those who don't know, I hate denial. I hate not touching. I hate everything about denial, but I'd basically told him to be more domineering, so I kind of didn't have a right to complain. Doesn't mean I didn't complain, because I did.

I semi dropped a few times because, spoiler alert, I fucking hate denial.

So, because my dom is amazing and totally gives in when I'm upset, he offered to let me orgasm at midnight, his time. All I had to do, was continue not touching. He also offered to let me touch, but I wasn't going to cum.

So, I chose the route that would let me have an orgasm and I didn't touch until midnight. Unfortunately, my emotions kind of went all over the place, so although I could orgasm, I really was not in the mood when the time came around.

Day two, was a day full of teasing. I recently bought a new vibrator (it's amazing and I love it) and it can go several hours without dying. We haven't really tested it, but today it went four straight hours, on varying speeds and patterns, and still never died. After about twenty minutes of teasing, he offered to let me drop three hours of my time.

Sinister likes denial. A lot. Since this was a punishment for something that I very willingly did, I decided to suck it up. I'd go the four hours until midnight.

After four hours of teasing, nearly dropping, and more bitchiness than I care to admit to, I was finally allowed to orgasm.

It wasn't a mind blowing orgasm. I didn't scream. My body didn't contort. It was a nice orgasm, super great after two days of teasing but still, not the kind of orgasm people have in pornos.

Now, all day, Sinister had been telling me that he was amazed and proud of me. I didn't believe him because I was being punished and because I just don't believe him when he compliments me, but that's an entirely different issue.

Except, I had my orgasm, thanked him because it's polite and a rule, and then he started telling me how truly proud he was. That I'd pushed myself because I wanted to make him happy.

I've cried after and during scenes, but I've never cried like this. I don't remember the last time I cried tears of joy. Maybe I never have, who knows. But it was such a relief, and I'm now crying as I'm trying to write this so woohoo, that I'd been able to just do something right. That I'd stuck with something that fucking sucked and because of that, my dominant was proud of me.

He decided that he's going to spoil me for the next few days and gave me a few rewards for the last two days. One of them, was a wish. I could wish for anything I wanted from him, within reason obviously, but I had to decide then.

After a few minutes, I decided I always wanted to feel the way I did in that moment. I wish that I hadn't wasted my time on previous doms, because none of them had ever made me feel so amazing and cared for.

I wished that this became our new goal. I don't care about how intense my orgasm is or how creative the tasks are. My new goal is to end a scene and feel the way I do right now.

Pretty sure I made Sinister cry #lifegoal

It's kind of sad how I'm not giving my feelings any sort of justice in their description, but it's almost as though I'm truly seeing D/s relationships for the first time. Is this how I'm always supposed to feel? Does everyone feel this amazing after a scene? Because I have never felt this way and I never want to go back.