For my uni pie <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSfKlxH6ZmM


I don't even know how to start this blog to be honest. I don't know how we got to that point during the time we spoke. I guess, it started after our conversation on Skype when we said our goodbyes there and went back to kik. We said we were going to have an early night. (Like we have had an early night since we started talking!!!)

We were our cute selves like we always are. Talking and flirting and pooping candy and throwing up rainbows. At some point during our conversation we got to talking about something I asked him to do something for me even before we had our first real proper conversation. I think it had to do with something over the weekend of him having a couple of drinks for me and he said he would.

Then something about 8 glasses. Then the conversation went to the time on the train when he didn't talk to me for a bit. And he confessed to thinking about things we spoke about. The name he had written over his heart. And how he had given his heart to me and what would happen if he had to lose me for some reason.

How it got to that I don't know and I don't care. It got me thinking about stuff from my past that had been keeping me from being free in a way. You see, things from my past have been keeping me from truly opening up to someone and giving them my all. Since I was hurt so much and by so many who made promises of forever and a day.

It is something that I've said to him when we were secretly already speaking about that and when we were still hiding from the world. I've said it and I meant it all. Every single word. I just feel, I don't know. It was true. But I was scared. I am scared heck who am I kidding. I was scared up until I opened up.

I have not cried in a good while and I thought I was not normal for not being able to truly cry and just let go. But it shouldn't be like this I thought to myself. I had to be the strong one for the both of us, and here I was laying in my bed and crying. I couldn't break down like this because he was supposed to do all that. He isn't the one to have to lift me up. I was the one who is supposed to be strong and help him along his journey of discovery.

So at one point, we just kind of said to heck with the s/M scenario. We were two people who were opening up and just forgetting about sex and kinky and BDSM. We were lovers, we were equal. We always are and always will be. And he will still get punished and still experience Utopia after all this.

For now, I was weak. I felt broken, beat down. I felt small and worthless and nothing. How could this person love me when I am so weak? When I hardly love myself at this point. I am the Dominant one in this relationship. But he kept telling me to forget it, and I did. I started opening up. Every single detail. Up until we both were at the point of exploding from exhaustion. Exhaustion caused by my weakness.

I shouldn't cry, be like this. How am I supposed to face you after I act like this? How can I gain your trust? How can I let you love me when I am nothing!?

But you kept me wanting to open up. Kept me wanting to break the hurt, the shame, the guilt down. I want to be free. Free from which is holding me back. Free from it all. I wanted to focus on that which does not or will ever hold us back. That which truly keeps us from being the best at everything.

So I have gotten to only the beginning of this heartbreaking story. And I want to tell you everything. Even the smallest of details. No matter how unimportant it may seem, I know that will be the thing that will truly set me free from everything.

With you next to me, holding my hand, holding my heart, I can do it all. This I know!!!

So my uni pie... my guy, my best friend, my lover, my perfect subby. I want to take this time to thank you for being you. For sticking with me in this time of breakdown. When I should have been the person to be strong, for us both. I look forward to this. This and so so so SOOOO much more.

In this lifetime and the next, and every other one that follows <3