[pluky]

For the longest time (a decade or so, in other words almost my entire adult life) I've been mostly only capable of cumming to porn or fictions or fantasies involving people of the same gender, F/F or M/M, occasionally I could get off to F/M provided that the M was dominated (and some specific fetishes involved) but as a mostly sub that doesn't really make for most of my sexuality.

I can be turned on, fantasize for hours about heterosexual relationships and scenarios, but when it comes to cumming my brain automatically turs to those other scenarios, the "normality" doesn't get me there. I'm not too sure if it's because I'm inherently not heterosexual enough, or if it's because those other types of content have an abnormal side to them and I need that "twisted" sensation to just push me over the edge (what I feel is the most likely explanation for me).

I used to think I was more turned on by F/F because as a bisexual I was simply more like that than heterosexual, until I realized that gay BDSM turned me on just equally or more, depending on the moment.

That said, all of this doesn't feel necessarily right or sit well with me. I know that it's not wrong rationally, but emotionally, I always have a weird after taste, a sort of subconscious guilt or disgust from it all. Being rational, I never gave it too much thought, and brushed it off over and over and continued to do things the way that satisfies me.

But the rare times I do end up cumming to thoughts of good old M/F, it feels so much better, so much more right to me, even if it's always BDSM so not exactly "normal" and still twisted, it feels so much more normal and doesn't make me feel bad.

I just wish I could delete those other sides of me, and be able to get off like that all the time. It sucks when I am turned by my exchanges with a man the whole time, but then I have to secretly switch my brain and think about lesbian things or gay things or even tentacles or aliens except the normal thing to achieve orgasm.