[Star Shadows]

Safety

Personal details
Being safe is soo much to do with common sense but again it is something that many people struggle with so here are a few simple points.
personal details

Bandit|Queen makes an incredibly good thread about this so for good measures I will post this here too http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=13227 and it is really worth a read but like so much of this stuff it really is just common sense. Do not give anyone your address, phone number, surname or any personal information to anyone unless you know that they are someone that you can trust. It is so easy these days to find information about someone so even the smallest piece of information may result in someone knowing more than you want them to. Always be cautious.

limits
limits are very important in all we do regarding s/m and dares. They draw a line that others know not to cross. It acts as a safety shield from things that we are scared of, or unwilling to do. While it can be as simple and generic as ‘illegal, family and permanent’ or they can go into more depth but please please do not under estimate their importance.

Also it is important to know the difference between a hard limit and a soft limit. Many people do not know, or refuse to acknowledge the difference in these two limits.

Soft limits: Now to me a “soft” limit (still resent that term but can’t come up with a better one…) is something that not only I dislike or hate but that makes me very uncomfortable for various reasons. Those are activities that are most likely to make me feel bad after performing them & can have negative effects on me either short-term or long-term.

Personally, I believe that if those were to be bent it always should be discussed between a Master & a slave no matter the situation, be it a punishment or just “play”…

Hard limits: Well, I don’t think I need to elaborate much on this one. I think for most it means something that a slave will not do under any circumstance & that those should always be respected.

** taken from chloe’s thread for ease and to be worked on here.

This is very much the case, while soft limits are called soft limits they are still very important- they are limits that someone still feels uncomfortable doing and usually have substantial negative emotions and responses after doing it. They should be approached with caution, but the main difference is- unlike hard limits- they can be approached. But slowly, with a lot of time, when the submissive or slave is ready to face them.

But I cannot mention enough how paramount it is to stand by your hard limits, and be cautious with soft limits. You should understand that no-one can force you to do something that is against your limits.

Also REMEMBER! REMEMBER REMEMBER limits are not set in stone, and when you first talk to someone they could tell you that their limits are x y and z this doesn’t mean that those are the only limits they have, people forget things, or in their rush to put one in side track another, or they grow and change their limits for example, they may once have had pain as a limit but after having had time to reflect and grow as a person found that they actually enjoy the idea of spanking and biting. This doens’t mean that they have lied or done you some great misdeed it just means that they have grown as a person.But this works both ways also remember that you are entitled to add limits based on experiences. Limits likes dislikes and such are not set in stone and are not something that should only be asked on once.

safewords
Safewords are a key part of safety in BDSM A safe word is a powerful indication given by a submissive or a slave (‘bottom’) when a boundary, be it physical, emotional or psychological (etc) has been crossed- and should act as an alarm bell to any dominant/ master/ mistress top whatever worth their salt that play has to stop right then right there so that a problem can be addressed. Those who practice the more permissive risk-aware consensual kink may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safe words is a consensual act on the part of the bottom or submissive. it is not the dominant who would make this choice.

This is entirely different from a ‘bottom’ showing reluctance by saying “no no i don’t wanna”- it is an indication that something has gone wrong, and that by continuing you would be recklessly endangering the emotional, physical, or psychological health of a ‘bottom’ not to mention, not to mention shattering the trust that you have with them.

Safe words should not be something that a submissive is willing to say as an excuse but should be something that is easily remembered. For example; a word that they despise, something that they fear, or a food that they hate,- generally speaking a word that is not spoken during this kind of scene- for example Oklahoma, red or clowns. Importantly, also make sure that it is understood that they will not be punished for using their safe word, only for misusing it to manipulate the play session.

Also please remember that while"Ouch" is not a safeword, anything that says "Help", "Stop", "Damn", "Shit" or "Fuck (off)" should be taken seriously and cause for you to think if not stop all together. Even if it isn’t the agreed safe word as there is a chance if the submissive has begun to panic that they wont remember the safe word. Also use common sense if a submissive says something like “I can’t breathe” it would tend to be a good idea to STOP- considering breathing is pretty darn important. *

If a safe word is used in play, everything stops, no matter what, ie) unbound, toys off or out, position dropped. This means that you have a chance to stop, talk things over and find out what went wrong, and above all else calm them down and make sure that they are ok. Chances are that if a ‘bottom’ was still bound and blindfolded with x y and z going on they would not be able to calm down properly and tell you what is going on. Once matters are cleared up then and only then can you discuss the possibility of picking up the play again, or leaving it for the time being.

However it is not just the ‘bottom’ who can use this safe word. It may also be the place of the top if a bottom is continuously behaving in an inappropriate way in order to gain a punishment. and would act as a window for the top to address this issue. Or it can be used by a third party person who has noticed something dangerous that is going on or spotted something that the dominant has not noticed- for example biological changes to a bottom like discolouration of the limbs, or a negative reaction that has gone ignored or unnoticed.

*some points adapted from http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=38316