Likes/Dislikes/Limits & Safewords

[Butterfly]

7589

In the near future, I would like to see a completely new section devoted to getDare Mentorship & Education. My hopes is that this will be a section devoted to discussing important topics and answering questions that people may have, no matter their experience level is. I also think it would be a great place to share resources that may be scattered throughout getDare, as well as in other places on the internet.

In the meantime, I am going to create designated threads in the advice section that will focus on one topic. Each topic will have discussion questions, as well links to any resources that I have found. People are encouraged to answer their questions, share their opinions, definitions or experiences as well as link to any resources they have found helpful. You may also ask questions relating to that topic and others can help answer them.

The only rules (other than the getDare posting rules) is that everybody be respectful to others. No personal attacks will be tolerated.

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TOPIC: Likes/Dislikes/Limits & Safewords
In this thread, I would like to focus on disusing how to figure out your likes, dislikes and limits and how to communicate them.

How did you learn what kinks you liked and disliked?

How did you decide on your limits?

How do you categorize your limits?

What is the difference between soft and hard limits?

How do you communicate your likes, dislikes and limits to your partner?

What is a safeword?

Do you use a safeword or safewords?

How do you decide on your safeword?

What happens if your safeword is used?

Do you think a safeword is important?

Please feel free to share your experiences, definitions, opinions and any resources you find many be helpful.

[Butterfly]

I have taken this from my blog: Safewords in Online Relationships (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=83351)

Safewords are a very important and useful tool in a D/s relationship. I firmly believe that they should be mandatory when you are starting to play with somebody you are not familiar with.

Of course, they make a lot of sense in a real life scenario. If you are tied up and helpless to do anything at all to stop what is being done to you, having a safeword to draw attention to the fact that you are not ok, is important. They are extra important when you are doing an intense scene: lots of edging, pain, impact etc.

But I feel they are also very important in an online relationship as well.

Why use a safeword?

First of all, online play can also get very intense. You may not be physically helpless, but I find that you can give just as much mentally in an online relationship as you can in a physical relationship. You might even give more because there is a false sense of security in the fact that you are the one physically in charge.

However, so many situations can arise that would make a safeword helpful.

For example, you could find yourself in mental distress. Maybe you are having a panic attack, maybe you are crying, or scared or hurt, and you cannot form the right words to communicate what is going on. Having one word to use, that can communicate a bunch of things, can be a lifesaver.

I know for me, I complain a lot. If I am horny, if I am hurting, I will call my dom names, I will tell him I hate him, I will beg to stop, but I don't always want to, or more importantly, NEED to stop. It can be hard for your Dom to realize when you cross the line between I am enjoying being tortured, and I need to stop right now! This is made especially difficult if you are playing through text alone, or even through only voice. When you cannot see your partners body language, or hear the distress in their voice.

As you get used accustomed to your partners unique noises, body language, or even texting phrases, it may become easier to differentiate when things are not ok, but in the meantime, a safeword is fantastic tool.

A safeword can also be helpful for those people who are are wanting to increase the intensity of their relationship. You may want to start pushing some limits, or seeing how far you can get to the edge of your limits, or trying new things. Having a safeword should make it feel safer, allowing you both to explore more securely.

What does a safeword mean?

A safeword can mean different things to different people.Some people decide to have only one safeword. It will mean that play stops and communication happens before you proceed again. Other times, people choose to have two or more safewords.

The important thing is to communicate what your safeword(s) mean before beginning to play. I personally have 3 safewords. In the document that has my rules, I have written my 3 different safewords and what they mean to me, and what action I would want taken if they are used.

Typically there are two standard meanings for safewords:

Yellow: This safeword would mean that you are in distress, you are overwhelmed, you are scared, etc. It can mean that you need to slow down, take a break, have some water etc..

Red: This safeword would mean that you absolutely need to stop right NOW!

You do not need to use the words Yellow or Red, but those are two of the most common.

How to pick a safeword

If you decide to use a safeword outside the typical Yellow/Red, make sure that you pick something that means something to you. Pick something that isn't hard to remember (if anybody remembers the scene from Eurotrip, you will understand why this is so important). Pick something that you won't say during a typical play session (ex. don't choose "ouch" or "stop").

Communication

Safewords can be a very useful tool, but they do not excuse you from communicating. A safeword is great to get the attention of your Dom/Top, but once action has been taken, and play has stopped, communication still needs to occur.

Using your safeword

There is never anything wrong with using a safeword. Everybody hopes that it won't be used, that you won't be pushed far enough that you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, etc. however it is ok to use it. That is what it is there for.

I highly recommend practicing. You can do this by using simple little exercises to make you safeword For example: Hold ice cubes and squeeze. You are only allowed to stop AFTER you have said you safeword. The more comfortable you feel saying your safeword, the more natural it will be to use it when needed.

Do Dom(me)s need safewords?

There has been some debate on this topic. I personally don't think it would hurt for a Domme to have a safeword, and I have had one before. I have used it to indicate that I am feeling too subby, or that I have had alcohol and do not feel as though I should be in control, or if I am in a bad place mentally. However, not all Dom(me)s feel this way, and that is ok too.

Conclussion

Nobody does D/s the same. Different things work for different people. However, I do think that a safeword can be very useful, especially for beginners. But with or without a safeword, communication is the most important part of a relationship. A safeword is just one more tool to help successful communication occur.

[Butterfly]

Help with discovering Likes/Dislikes/Limits
BDSM Test (https://bdsmtest.org/)

Human Sex Map (http://www.humansexmap.com/)

Likes/Limits Questionnaire (for subs) (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=308789) by Jaroface

Limits
The Reason I have Limits (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=81392) by Wedgiebondagebabe

The Evolution of Limits (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=83157) by Butterfly

Facing fears and pushing limits (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=73672) by Butterfly

Everyone Has a Right to Change their Limits (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=83313) by NoLimitz

Safewords
Why I DON'T Have a Safeword (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=80553) by IceMaiden

Joining the Safeword Jamboree (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=80565) by iSpuds

Safeword Jam: The Aftermath (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=80809) by iSpuds

How to Use Safewords (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=74643) by Techiegirl

Really? You can use it like that? (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=72994) by colosubguy

Practicing my Safeword (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=72534) by Butterfly

What is the green safeword? (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=85705) by Lilith

When is it okay to safeword? (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=85602) by IceMaiden

[Butterfly]

How did you learn what kinks you liked and disliked?
When I first started exploring D/s, I spent a lot of time reading erotic stories, dares/tasks and answering truths. I got a good sense of things that turned me on and things that scared, disgusted or turned me off. From this, I was able to make a preliminary list of things that I wanted to like explore.

Another great resource is to take the BDSM test, complete the Human Sex Map or get a likes/limits report from Jaroface. They are all a great way to help you determine the things you might be interested in.

As I explored with Doms and completed dares/tasks, I was able to shuffle things around depending on how they went. I frequently change my likes/dislikes and limits based on new things I have explored.

How did you decide on your limits?
My limits were originally decided based on things that scared me, disgusted me or that I was unable to do physically. I have since added things to my limits that cause me mental distress.

How do you categorize your limits?
I have one category for limits listed on getDare. These are my limits to everybody except my husband/dom. I have decided not to categorize them into hard and soft limits as I feel like at the beginning, all of my limits are hard limits until the point something becomes a soft limit.

What is the difference between soft and hard limits?
A hard limit is something that you are not willing to do ever. It is completely off the table and you do not wish to push that limit.

A soft limit is something that you are willing to push or explore under certain circumstances.

How do you communicate your likes, dislikes and limits to your partner?
I always provide my partner with a list of my likes, dislikes and limits.
I try to explain all of them at least in a little detail. This is a great way to start a conversation.
I think it is really important to explain to your partner why each thing is is a like, dislike or limit. For example, some people have a love/hate relationship with spanking, and it is important to know how they categorize it and what circumstances might make it a love vs.
a hate.

What is a safeword?
A safeword is a word that lets yours Dom know that something is not ok.
A lot of people use two safewords. The most common practice is using the stop light method.
Yellow means you need to check in or change something. Red means everything needs to stop.

Do you use a safeword or safewords?
Yes. We actually have a couple different safewords to communicate different things. I also use a safeword as a Domme.

How do you decide on your safeword?
We chose words that meant something to us. Things that we would not normally say otherwise.

What happens if your safeword is used?
If yellow is used, it means that something needs to change. Play is paused and my Dom will check in with me. He may need to reassure me or calm me down, or make a slight change, or even just give me a break before continuing. Play would then resume when we are both ready.

If red is used, it means that everything needs to stop RIGHT NOW. I am not ok. All play immediately halts and my Dom will come to me and comfort me.

If Jelly Beans is used, it means that I am in too much of a little mindset to complete "Big"
or "Naughty" things and that type of play needs to stop. My daddy will change the direction of our conversation or give me a different instruction.

My Domme safeword can be used to express to my sub that I am overwhelmed, stressed or unable to communicate with him at this time. It means that all (or almost all) of his rules are put on pause until I can return and we can discuss things.

Do you think a safeword is important?
Yes, I think that safewords are SUPER important, even in an online relationship. It is just another tool in your communication tool box. Sometimes you can't express to your Top what is happening, and you just need things to slow down or stop urgently. One word is much than trying to explain that. Also, words like "ouch" or "stop"
can be used in play as part of a scene, so if you are seriously in distress, it may not come across that way. So having a word to mean that you are serious is very important.


I also want to mention safewords ARE NOT NEGOTIABLE after they have been put in place. If a Dom does not obey your safeword, you should run away immediately.

[sciencegal]

How did you learn what kinks you liked and disliked?
I started online play about 3 years ago. Before that I had 0 irl and online experience in BDSM play, especially D/s style play. I've been interested in BDSM since I first learned what it was, but I had never acted on it. But I did know what appealed to be through what I had seen in images and videos (porn). I knew that spankings were appealing to me, anal was very appealing, and beyond that, I didn't know. Even those two things were not a guarantee, just something I was interested in. I had experimented with a bit of anal, owning a small plug, but nothing beyond that. I lived at home or with a roommate for most of my time up until then, so I never had the opportunity to play much. I had never experienced a spanking either, but I wanted to try one at some point.

Before I started including others in my play, I experimented a bit on my own. I experienced enemas, anal (larger plugs and dildos), and even bought a long wooden spoon to spank myself. I enjoyed most of what I tried, so by the time I decided to seek a play partner, I had very few likes and the obvious limits (not wanting to reveal my identity, involve friends/family, or anything permanent). Beyond that, I was open to trying new things. I didn't know what was typical of an online relationship, but I wanted to learn.

I've been very fortunate to have the play partners that I have. I've always felt safe and secure in my relationships, and my opinion has always been respected. I've tried a lot of different things, both from my own suggestion when I find an image that looks interesting, as well as suggestions from my partner. I always do a lot of research before trying anything involved before I do it. For example, I read quite a lot before I ever bought candles for wax play. I wanted to know what sort of risk I faced, potential safety hazards, what to do if something went wrong, what type of wax was safest, what technique to use, etc. I spent at least 2 weeks researching (I was in school at the time, so I couldn't devote a lot of time to it), and after I felt comfortable, I told my partner and I purchased some candles. I mostly tried wax the first time on my own due to scheduling conflicts, but because I had done so much research, I already knew how it was going to play out to start with. I wanted to just experience the sensations first, worry about "setting the scene" for a different time.

That's pretty much how I've decided on all of my likes and dislikes. I try something after doing research when applicable, and then I just experience it. I may like it, I may hate it. But going in informed lets me relax and really experience the sensation at hand. I've learned a lot through trial and error, but that's how I approach play.



How did you decide on your limits?
My hard limits are fairly routine. I don't want to reveal my identity (like most of us), I don't want to involve people I know in my play, I don't want to do any permanent harm to myself, and I don't like bodily excretions. My soft limits have come more from trying something and strongly disliking it. For example, I have oral play as a soft limit. In the past, I did not have this as a limit so it was fair game for play. After trying it (attempting to suck on a dildo), I knew it wasn't for me. I have a very strong gag reflex, so oral play like that just doesn't turn me on. In addition, my mouth is rather small so I tend to tell my partners that I am not interested in putting panties in my mouth, or any other sort of gag. I can try it, but I only get a fraction of the material in before it's uncomfortable. It just doesn't really do anything for me, so I don't like to include it in my play. It's not a hard limit, because under the right circumstances and for the right person, I allow it to come into play. I understand the symbolism of putting your dirty panties in your mouth as a gag, and I enjoy that aspect. However, in practice I don't tend to like it. It's a bit more grey than my hard limits.



How do you categorize your limits?
I have likes/loves, dislikes, soft limits, and hard limits. I try to keep my list up to date based on what my interests are at the moment. I've been active for about 3 years, and in that time my likes and dislikes have changed quite a bit. I am more focused on different aspects now that I have been in the past. I don't have specific lists for certain situations. My list is the same based on my current interests regardless of the person. I am more flexible on my dislikes/soft limits with the right partner (after a good deal of trust and mutual respect is established), but I stand firm on them in the beginning.



What is the difference between soft and hard limits?
For me, my hard limits are things that I will never do. Do not ask, I will not compromise. My soft limits are things that I will only do under very special circumstances for someone that I truly trust. I will not do them for 95% of people, so again, don't get your hopes up. I have soft limits because to me the topic is not something that I find revolting; I understand the desire to try them (such as oral play), but they are just things that do not work for me personally. I enjoy some of them in theory, and I often incorporate them into my play when I am dominant. But overall, they just aren't my thing as a submissive.



How do you communicate your likes, dislikes and limits to your partner?
I generally give them a list, explaining about each one. I have toothpaste as a hard limit, but sensation play as a like. This seems contradictory, but menthol makes me nauseous. I have tried toothpaste in the past and loved the sensation until the smell made me sick. So in this case, I explain to my partner that I do not like it because of that, letting them know that if there is an alternative that gives the same sensation, I am fine trying that. I explain that it's not the sensation, but the smell specifically. This helps open up doors since I do thoroughly enjoy sensation play. I think explaining why you like something or dislike it helps establish boundaries as well. Even though I love anal, I don't necessarily want to do it every single time. It can take a lot of prep work, and sometimes I'm just feeling lazy.



Do you use a safeword or safewords?
I have never used one myself (as a submissive), but I always encourage my partners to use and establish them.



How do you decide on your safeword?
I think using a word or phrase that is clearly identifiable and at the same time does not come up much in conversation is best. You don't want to necessarily use a common word, as your mind may gloss over it during play. Using something obvious helps trigger in your mind to stop.



What happens if your safeword is used?
If my partner were to use a safeword, I would stop immediately. All play would cease and we would discuss what happened. Why did they use it? Was it something simple like a family member showed up unexpectedly, or was it something more serious, where I pushed too far? If I pushed too far, what can I do in the future to ensure that I do not push in that direction again? Was it one thing specifically that we can easily change (such as using toothpaste for me) and then continue on with play with that change? Was it something where we tried something new and you absolutely did not like it? In this case, I would stop completely and talk with my partner. Explain why I disliked it, what I disliked about it, and discuss if there is a way to move forward with the play scene, or scrap it altogether



Do you think a safeword is important?
Even though most of us play in an online capacity only, with no one but ourself doing the action, I still think that a safeword is important. It's a clear signal to the dominant that you are not happy with how something is going. It's perfect for people who are in more strict relationships, where the submissive doesn't have a strong voice (by choice). Negotiations wouldn't happen regularly, so using your safeword would stop the scene and directly result in a conversation where you could safely discuss your concerns. Using a safeword does not mean that you will never play with that person again (hopefully, obviously depends on the people involved and the infraction that caused it). It simply opens up a direct channel to discuss your feelings and concerns in a healthy, constructive manner.




These are based off of my own experiences and I know that each person will need to do what works best for them in their dynamic.
I know it can be intimidating to speak up when you are the submissive, but your happiness and safety are just as important as pleasing your dominant. You should never compromise yourself in a manner you are not 100% comfortable with just to please your partner.

[Lightze]

Ok then. It's time for me to weigh in a bit.

Why yes, that does mean me being serious!

I'll wait for you to get over the shock...

Ok y'good?

Awesome.
Now I'm going to be talking very generally about the subjects Butterfly has asked for, as applicable to GetDare (mostly). This is not a be all and end all. This is merely intended to voice some of my thoughts that some of you, hopefully, will find helpful.

How did you learn what kinks you liked and disliked?

This is a good one.

Many of you will probably have stumbled across GD by searching the internet for something to do with a kink.

It's a common thing. You use the world wide web to expand your knowledge of something that gives you tingles in you naughty areas.

When you begin you might not even realise what your exact kinks are.

When I came here I have a vague idea of what I enjoyed looking at and participating in due to previous play partners.

Then I had a good lurk around the site and read anything that looked interesting.

Finally I decided to start a thread with the goal of exploring kinks as I knew, over-all, my views were limited.

I was very clear that I was new, this was my first thread and I was open to exploring, with the sole purpose of further populating my likes, dislikes and limits lists.

The most important parts of this discovery process? Be honest with yourself.
Take it slow. This is self discovery. It's going to be fun, and thrilling but also can be scary and quite emotional.
You do not have to be an expert straight away.

Allow yourself time to process all the new input. Also, as long as it's safe, legal and all parties are consenting, you really shouldn't worry.

What's that? You just discovered you like butt stuff? Awesome, don't panic. You are still the same person you were five seconds ago. Now you just have another way to enjoy yourself, but start with the SMALL plug.

You want to try some deep throating? Sure. Go for it. But try ONE or TWO first. Don't put yourself under the pressure of 100.

So. Kinks. Explore. Don't stress. Take it slow. Take your time. Ask for advice.


How did you decide on your limits?

Your limits are yours. They are iron clad, unbending rules, as long as you want them to be.

Anything that you are not comfortable in participating in, belongs on that list.

I'm very much a beliver of limits being non-negotiables.

Many of my limits were discovered by the self discovery thread I mentioned earlier.
I attempted the very basic levels of different dares and if it wasn't working for me, it went in a limit.

Do not force yourself to complete anything that will violate a limit, even if that limit has just made itself known to you. You won't be happy.

Cum eating? Not for me. Can't do it. Makes me gag.
It's often one that people seem to like approaching. 'Oh lightze cum and lick it up...'
'Are you sure I can't convince you to-' and so on.
The answer is no. A polite no sure, but if they continue, a hard no. It's not up for debate and neither are yours!

If and this is an if, you trust someone enough that you want them to push your limits that is, always, your choice.
If you want to turn a hard limit into a soft limit or a curiosity? It must always be your choice. Ultimately.

How do you categorize your limits?
I, personally, have three types of limits:

Never: This is the illegal stuff. The stuff that is never happening. That would ruin my life.

Makes me unhappy: This stuff is usually something that makes me uncomfortable of has a negative emotional tie. An example of this is voice recording. I won't record my voice, especially singing, as, when I sing, I sound like someone close to me who lost their ability to sing tragically. That's a thing that is not for play time.

Not My Thing: This is the kinky stuff that just doesn't get my motor running and is just unenjoyable to do for various reasons.

What is the difference between soft and hard limits?

Hard limit: A hard limit is the no-way, no-how, I do not like, I do not want, limit.

Soft Limit: A soft limit is something that, whilst it doesn't come into your scope, you don't feel so negatively about it that you may never bring it into play.

How do you communicate your likes, dislikes and limits to your partner?
Talk.
Always talk.
If you get a new play partner, talk.
I know, I know, you crazy kinksters don't wanna listen to Lightze and just wanna dive right in, but that's a mistake.

Sure, I get it, I've been there. It's play time and you just wanna have all the fun.
But you gotta talk it out. You have to sit down with clear heads and establish what you're both comfortable with.

Unless you have both developed mind reading abilities you're gonna have to talk about your limits at least.

Do you know when to stop? Traffic light system? Safe word?

Realising your partner doesn't know you hate anal, whilst you're gagged and they have their fist up your ass, is a little late.

Talk, like adults, and go into the play time informed.

What is a safeword?
A safe word is your safety net.
It is a word or phrase that you can say to make everything stop.
Yes you need one.
No, it's not for 'pussies'.
Yes, real play partners use it.
No, you shouldn't play with a partner who refuses to use safe words.

Do you use a safeword or safewords?
I actually use a duel system. 'Jingle bells' in both the word and tune form.
Why? Because you can hum the tune through a gag.
See? Even I, the great Lightze, use a safe word.

How do you decide on your safeword?
I decided it because it's not something I'd accidently say in play, it was so unusual that when it's said it stands out and because the tune is hummable through a gag.

I find knowing it's a jarring phrase, makes me feel safer.
'That was an unusual thing for him to say- OH!'

What happens if your safeword is used?
Play stops. No ifs or buts.
Your play partner then checks to see are you ok, help/aftercare/comfort you if you need it, and why the safe word was used.

This is where the trust of the Sub/Dom(me) relationship really comes into play, because it's the ceasing of play. That's where the care comes in. It's important.

Do you think a safeword is important?
Absolutely.

It's you stop button. Your safetynet.

It stops people getting hurt, it saves lives.

Have a safeword and use it when you need to!
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There you have it. Some thoughts on the subject from yours truly.