[Star Shadows]

Just because you think you know it all doesn’t mean you do.
Now this one... I have seen far too many times, so many times, it’s unreal. Seriously- and to be honest- you may think this seems sexist and i know it’s not always the case but the vast majority of the time, lads, it’s you who are caught short by this one. Especially the young ones trying to puff their chests out and seem big and strong.

The truth of the matter is no-one knows everything- and in reality no-one knows everything about BDSM- there is too much to know, and even more than can be known through individual differences. It is often found that those who know the most are those who admit to not knowing all of the answers

In addition: something i have said in my own threads and still tell people today when they ask me this same question “someone last night asked me if I thought he should read the threads in the s/M forums like this one, and the ones held in threads of note. So I put to you the same response as I told him.

"If you think that you are the perfect dominant then read the thread because there is a strong chance that you're not. If you know that you are flawed then read them to strive for perfection because you are never at a point in your life to stop learning, there will always be something new to learn, and the minute you stop shall be the minute the world as we know it stops, then you can learn about that.".*

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
--Isaac Asimov

* what it means to be a master http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=47276
(not sure i need to cite myself but never mind)

*The master controls the relationship
This is something that a lot of submissives are taught to believe, or find themselves believing when they come onto the scene. I myself included at one point in my life- and plain and simple it is not true. The fact of the matter is that the submissive has more power than they think they do often. It is important that (specifically to submissives here) you never let yourself feel like you’re pushed into a corner- because at the end of the day even submissives have some control over the relationship.

remember that you (should) have a safe word that you can use, while you can’t really use this just because you don’t feel like it doesn’t mean that you have to sit by and do whatever your dom wants to you especially if you feel you are out of your depth or comfort zone.

Ask questions. Question your dom(me)/master/mistress, especially if you think something isn’t right, be diplomatic at first but make it obvious that you want answers- if they refuse insist. Do not make it clear that you are directly challenging their authority but make sure they know that you want answers.

Then if you really feel you have to submissives always has the right to walk away from a relationship. You do not have to stay in a relationship where you are not happy- the same with any relationship- no matter what the dom says. Though be reasonable with this- don’t threaten to walk whenever you get in trouble when it is actually justified, you will get a bad reputation.

* All s/M is sexual
This- plain and simple. Nope, not true. A relationship can go in whatever direction you want it to. Just because some people have a sexual relationship does not mean that you have to- there is plenty that can be done without sexual involvement.

* All s/M relationships are the same
Again this isn’t true. As with any relationship vanilla or otherwise the relationship is what you make it and you do not have to be the same as all the others. With so many types of submission and dominance it is unlikely that all relationships will be the same. It is really just a case of what you like rather than what other people say you should be, But no- not all relationships are the same. A relationship is far to dependant on likes, dislikes, hard and soft limits, along with personalities for this to be true.

* Receiving physical pain is a necessary part of submission
Not everybody enjoys pain as an aspect of their likes, either in submission or dares and that is ok. You do not have to accept any parts of s/m that you are not comfortable with- be it pain or another. So in short, No pain is not a vital part of submission- it would be simple enough to find others who do not like it either.

* Trust/Respect/Honesty only goes one way.
This misconception annoys me somewhat. A BDSM relationship is in many ways no different to a vanilla one or any others (though there are some obvious differences) Because of this: - trust, respect and honesty must all be two way factors in your relationship if you ever want it to succeed. If you do not trust and respect your submissive then they will not respect you and vice versa- and one of the fundamental corner stones of trust is honesty. So no they cannot be one way aspects of a relationship- at least not in a fully functioning friendship- even as far as friends are concerned.

*sub has no way to leave if the dom is being abusive.
This in most cases, obviously there will be some exceptions, but in most is untrue- even if it may not feel this way at the time. While i know the … pressure, and anxiety and … fear you can feel if you are in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming but there are things you can do.

Assuming that you have tried and failed to talk to your dom and find a solution there are still things that you could do to help you get away but there are methods. One very important thing to make sure of though is that you have an element of social support.

This social support is very important when coming out of a relationships- especially an abusive one. It is important and often comforting to have someone to lean on. But it does help. But you do have the right to leave- just tell them straight in an email or on an instant message then walk away. Submission isn’t a legal contract they can’t make you stay.

* The dom can do anything they want to their sub-Subs/Slaves have no rights and are property to be treated however the dom sees fit
Ok this one we have all probably heard one time to many, and will continue to hear until they learn sense that slaves have no rights and the doms can do what they like. Well this isn’t true... in fact it’s a pile of bull really. The fact of the matter is that a submissive (and to an extent even a slave) chooses to submit so that does not give the dominant the right to do whatever the hell he wants. They can choose to walk away just as easily. Remember ‘tops’ you only have the power because they let you- don’t take this for granted.

For more misconceptions please be directed to lilangels thread on the misconceptions of BDSM found in the following link. http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=25352