[Star Shadows]

I'm 17, I've had no experience other than occasional casual things online, doing dares (from online) and being on getDare, but I am really curious about BDSM and I'm really curious to go out and try it but I am a bit shy to try it because I don't want to get into any dangerous situations and I don't want my identity to be revealed/I want to be anonymous and I'm also kinda shy and don't know where to find someone trust worthy. I want this just to be a way of experimentation not to become a way of life. What advice can you give me?

Just as a side note the other thing is I'm a virgin too and I'm not in a hurry to lose it but I'm also no too worried if I lose it, not saying that it would end up with sex but should that affect my decision.


There are a few ways you could go about this but I will tackle the side note first: Just because you are in a BDSM relationship, or seeking to enter one, DOES NOT mean that you are automatically signing up for a sexual relationship.

Despite the social stereotypes which imply sexual intercourse, or intimacy with your sub/dom as being a fundamental factor, this is not always the case - especially with BDSM encounters online, there is a fair possibility that your virginity would not come into it at all .

Even though it is most unlikely that a Dom would explicitly order you to lose your virginity, remember, even if they did, you do not HAVE to do it. You should discuss it maturely, ‘negotiate’ or if all else fails and you still really don’t want to do it then you may walk away. Rest assured that a worthwhile dominant would not force you to act upon something as major, and essentially permanent as this if it were not something you were openly willing to do.

You can even prearrange with a dominant that your virginity is a hard limit, and that you and you alone will make that decision.

As for the other bit there are a few things that are basic run of the mill advice that everyone gets from me in regards to safely entering a BDSM relationship, or the environment.

Firstly, it is important to understand that it is very hard, if not impossible, to find and maintain a stable relationship with someone while maintaining an anonymous persona.

The most important cornerstone of BDSM is mutual trust between Dom and submissive. It is that trust which is relied upon by the submissive to know that their Dom has no mal-intent and wishes to keep them safe, and that same trust is what the Dom uses to know that their submissive will try and obey.

Now, trust is not something that can be given simply because one is a sub and one is a Dom, it must be earned and this invariably means becoming more than just an anonymous face to each other.

In the process of getting to know someone and earning mutual trust, you will almost certainly end up sharing information which has the possibility to completely remove your anonymity.

Knowing each other as people rather than anonymous voices is the price of trust. You have to bear in mind that you will naturally expect that if they are willing to give you something then be ready for them to expect the same in return. Trust, openness and honesty swings both ways.

Communication is also key and there are many things to consider here.

First of all it is not considered rude to ask for advice with regards to regards to other members who you may be considering as a choice. Nor is it considered inappropriate to ask questions about the lifestyle, what it means, what options there are and other things - the advantage of such a massive community here is that there is always someone you can rely on and always someone you can go to for help with minimal judgement.

After all, for a lot of the more seasoned members there isn’t much we haven’t seen, heard of, or read or wrote stories about.. Also understand that there are a lot of members, like myself, honey and Lady Celeste who you can PM in confidence with any issues or concerns you may have.

I would also recommend knowing your dominant/submissive outside of the constraints of BDSM, get to know them as a person not just as a role in a relationship. Just as you would get to know a girlfriend as a person before she was your girlfriend. Knowing them outside of the role helps strengthen the relationship a lot and will help you trust them more in the long run.

Short of this, for people over 18 it’s just largely a case of making an ad in the SM section explaining exactly what you want, especially in this case, and being patient with your search. You should also consider looking at other peoples ads.

Beyond that you could go and try and find a real life relationship, either from a club or with a friend or partner that has a shared interest in this.

If push comes to shove a professional dom/escort to act as a form of teacher, but who will have no interest in your personal identity beyond providing their service. You may of course have mixed feelings about this route. However this 100% destroy the idea of anonymity that you were looking at - so again it is a toss up between the two.

However until then I would recommend wholeheartedly to do a lot of research and reading up about it- it gives you more time to prepare and understand what you want from the lifestyle and what you want to get out of it.

Advice by StarShadows, Edited by Philosophical so if it makes no sense blame him