[honeyness]

I would like to be a competent dom one day, and currently I have a gf who also acts as my sub, but she cheated on me multiple times a while ago, and since then I don't trust her. The problem is... while I could look for a new sub, she is my first and I’m not very experienced so I don’t know where to look, if I should look or if I should try and patch things up with her.

Any relationship without trust is a very rocky road and if you feel you cannot trust your girlfriend then it may be the time to come to the end of the road. It certainly isn’t the time to be embarking on a more serious s/M relationship with her. The fact you aren’t very experienced shouldn’t come into the decision as it is a completely separate issue, what should be the deciding factor in your relationship with your girlfriend is whether you can 100% trust her again. If you do feel you can trust her then, like previous advice, take things slowly and carefully before becoming her dominant.

If you wish to look for another submissive then again do this slowly and with careful planning. Whether it be online or offline you wish you have a good read around and familiarise yourself with how to get into the scene. This website, as well as other such as fetlife offer advice on this, as well as gives the opportunity to get into the scene. If you are looking to gain an online relationship then set about writing an ad. The more time you spend constructing a good ad, the better the outcome will be, with a lot more serious replies. State in the ad that you are a beginner and looking to learn the ropes, this means that any submissive replying will know you are just starting out, thus will appreciate any bambi moments you may have! You are likely to get a lot of time wasters, it is the internet, and it will take a good amount of time to find the perfect sub but with PATIENCE there is no reason why you can’t find a submissive to slowly get started with. If you are looking for an offline relationship, this can appear more daunting but it needn’t be. Look up your local fetish clubs and find out when they have munches – an informal meeting in a vanilla setting. This will be a relaxed setting to talk to and get to know people, where no one will be dressed in leather or bearing whips! I’m sure any members will be more than happy to guide you into becoming a good dominant, in the same way that talking to experienced people online will.
Just take your time and get to know what you want, and who you want it with. Once you know this is your mind then slowly start looking into finding a partner, whether this is online or offline. Take your time and be honest with all those you meet and you will find that your inexperience is no longer a barrier.

A subsequent question. I guess it makes sense. I can read all the stuff I want and talk to people, but just like a normal relationship it doesn’t fully prepare you. So may as well jump in headfirst at some point.

When taking on a submissive, whether online or face to face whenever you are “playing” and even when you aren’t, you become responsible for the submissive. This includes their safety, their feelings and their mindset. Submissives have this title as they are just that, submissive. Many will submit unquestioningly to the Dominant and put all their trust in you. If you therefore jump in head first to this, you not only put yourself at risk of drowning, but also taking the submissive with you. You have the potential power to, if things went really badly, to damage a submissive both mentally and physically, as well as put their safety in danger. If you jump in head first you don’t have the experience to back pedal and pull both of you out if you end up in a messy situation. Not to mention the damage you could cause to your own mental state. By all means start looking for a submissive to have a relationship with, but take it slow and talk to them. Be totally honest from the beginning – even from your advert – that you are a beginner to this and looking to learn the ropes. If you make this clear from the start it will help you and allow yourself time. Get to know the submissive, and whilst doing this get to know yourself and your own dominant side. Build up the relationship before you attempt any tasks, and when you do start small. By taking things slowly and building it up over time you are not only less likely to do something wrong, but also have far less of a distance to fall if things go wrong. If you make a mistake in a relationship that already has good foundations then you can right the wrongs with ease. So go for it if you decide this is what you want, but go for it with the brakes half on, giving you the control over the situation any beginner needs.

Advice by Honeyness