First of all I would like to apologise for taking so long to reply to this. I have had to cover for people away at work, so doing longer hours, and I've not been sleeping well, so just felt exhausted.
I also hope these answers make some sense, I'm not always good with words, especially anything to do with emotions or feelings!
Apple and blackcurrant squash is love!
Actually, and to drop character for a moment, there are too many questions, I have all of the questions!
How do you find being a sub? I mean, obviously it works well for you and you are in a happy place with it (and with an excellent dom too) but how can you cope with it?
I find that I get too particular about things, not in a nasty way, and find it really hard to let go and go with someone else's flow. But, at the same time, also wish I could give up the control. Something holds me back.
I guess what I'm asking is:
did you have something holding you back at first and did you get over that yourself or were you helped by Sam?
It did take me a while to be able to give up control to Sam, we took things slowly at first, just starting with small things and gradually increasing them. Sam was very understanding and helped me a lot. She has a way of putting me at ease and I feel I can completely trust her.
When things don't go as planned or there is a change of situation, like when you have something set up and the adaptation doesn't take quickly enough, does being a bit sub help matters or hinder them?
I do find change hard, but I think being sub does help. It allows me to think that the decisions are not all on me and I know that Sam will always help me through it and encourage me. If thing are not going as planned and I am struggling with anything, Sam will not push me to hard and is always ready to stop it if it gets too much. And even with normal life and none s/d things, she is always happy to talk things through with me.
What, and I see there are many, things do you think Sam is able to do for you to allow your relationship (s/d) to work so well?
As I've said, Sam is just able to put me at ease, she is very encouraging and inspires trust. I know she would never push me too far, that she is always looking out for me, even when punishing me. She helps and encourages me to do things I never thought I could do. That she is a very good listener and I never feel there's anything I could not talk to her about. She always notices when I'm down or finding things tough. She is firm but fair, if I mess up she will punish me, but never out of proportion and is always there for me afterwards to make sure I'm okay.
What are
you able to bring to this that
you are aware of? (so, no asking Sam for this one)
I'm not good at talking about myself, but I would say that I'm loyal, trustworthy, and honest even if I make a mistake, that I always do my best to please Sam. That I look out and care for her when she is finding things hard and try to make her happy.
What about yourself are you proud of and happy with?
I am proud about the relationship I have with Sam, that it has lasted and grown more than I could have ever expected when we first started. Also simply that I have managed to do well in my job, that I've got onto the housing ladder and managing my day to day life okay, that I keep going even when I find it hard.
Forgive me for being blunt, but how do you cope with depressive feelings? I mean, in several posts I get the impression that you are fiercely analytical with yourself and a tad unforgiving and yet, and yet, you achieve a kind of equilibrium and come across really quite well - is that something you are aware of or is it surprising to read this?
I am very surprised to read that! I do not feel that I do cope that well with depressive feelings at all. I do get very down at times, occasionally even to the point where I have seriously considered self harm. And I think it is only the effect that this would have on my family (and now Sam) that has stopped me. These times are rare though, and becoming less often, but I always worry that they can come back.
Yes, I have no words, but so many questions about being an aspie in your situation!
Do you think your Asperger's is related to your kinks? Or is it vice versa?
I really don't know. I think that having Asperger's makes it more likely that you would be submissive rather than dominant maybe. I do sometimes wonder if I sometimes turn to kink when I'm down as a distraction from how I'm feeling or escapism. As quite often the only way I can feel I can cope when I am feeling depressed, is to try to stop thinking (or dwelling) on my life and try to think about something else to take my mind off it.
Do you think you are more open and less judgemental in kinks and sexual relationships or less due to your Asperger's?
Again it's hard to say, as I don't know what I would be like without Asperger's. The effect Asperger's has on your emotions (or lack of them) I think could mean it could go either way. I would hope I am open and not judgemental.
I am wondering if the aspie part makes us more open and more willing to be honest about sexuality and less likely to just fit in and internalise things. You talk about wishing you could change this aspect of yourself but would that not also fundamentally alter what makes you, well, you?
I guess it is possible, I'm not sure. We obviously see things differently to other's! And yes, I guess if I didn't have Asperger's, it would fundamentally change me. As it has a massive effect on who you are, you can't get around that. But I still think I would change it if it was in any way possible.
I do know though, that I have got to accept the way I am, and deal with it in the best way I can. I just find it very hard at times.