[Fiction] Curiosity Caught the Cat

[Gothamite]

*Preface* - My first attempt at a story here. This tale will involve all manner of adult subjects, all of which exist in a fictionalized world. Any resemblance to actual living subjects is probably an affair of subtle erotic attraction and week-old pizza. If subject matter of an adult nature including, but not limited to: sexual intercourse, oral sex, d/s relationships, and/or fortune cookies, bothers you, turn away now. Or don't, and be offended, if that floats your goat.

A Matter of Trust and Education

Maddie had never considered herself ordinary, but then almost no ordinary person ever did. As she neared her nineteenth birthday, however, she was facing the sinking feeling that she was, for all her extraordinary fantasies, just a normal girl. Her job at the Flip-a-Burger three blocks from her college dorm was mind-numbingly dull, punctuated only by the wandering hands of the manager who had only hired her for her looks. Her roommate was nice enough, but so bogged down in her work towards a degree in Marine Biology that she hardly ever peeked up from her books long enough to do anything exciting. The parents paying for her education were close enough to act like they cared, but distant enough to stay on the peripheral of her life's radar.

All in all, Maddie was utterly unremarkable until the day she walked into an unfamiliar sandwich shop because her usual place had been shut down because the owner had called a health inspector's niece a slut for trying to pay her bill with a blowjob. It was a Sunday, and everyone who's anyone knows that nothing exciting ever happens on a Sunday. Dom's Shack, as the place was called, seemed normal enough. Bored employees loitered behind the counter and a smattering of clueless customers sat at cheap faux wood tables eating sandwiches of questionable origin and talking about topics of questionable importance. All this went on under the watchful black-and-white eyes of a large man's portrait. Maddie could only assume that this was the illustrious Dom himself.

She ordered a simple ham and cheese, sitting inconscpicously in a corner to eat her meager lunch. When she was finished, she decided it would be a good idea to relieve herself before making the trek back to her dorm to watch the latest episode of Extranatural, whereupon Jean, one of the ghost-hunting heroines, was to be rescued by her sister, Pam from purgatory for the eleventh time. As she made her way to the little back hallway where the restrooms were, she noticed the first oddity within Dom's. Next to the expected "Employees Only" door, there was a second door marked "Club Members Only".

Curiosity pulsed through Maddie's body. Or was that the urge to pee? Anyhow, she pushed on the door timidly to reveal.....that it was locked. Only slightly disappointed, Maddie ducked into the restroom and quickly did her duty. No, no, duty, not dooty. Who raised you? But I digress.

As Maddie came out of the tiny watercloset, she was met with the sight of an attractive guy coming out of the "Club Members Only" door. He looked about her age, maybe a little older, and he was wearing a dress shirt, jeans, a dressy vest, and a pair of red Charlie Tailor's. He seemed flustered when he noticed her and he offered a small nod as he quickly slipped into the men's room behind her. But he had left the door ajar.

Now, Maddie thought about a great many things in a short span of time, but foremost among them was the thought that this might be her only chance to do something exciting anytime soon. So tired of being normal that it hurt, Maddie knew before she even thought about the consequences of going beyond that door that she would disregard them and do it anyway. And so when she did, hoping to stumble upon a group of men just as attractive as the first having some sort of gay orgy, she did not stop for fear that she would turn back if she did and and be, in her own mind, a bore.

She went down the dark wooden stair case, through a long, winding hall, and was only slightly worried when she began to hear the strange sounds echoing through the narrow tunnel. Whimpers, snaps, cracks, and laughter. She was frightened a bit, yes, but it only made her all the more curious. So it was only when she walked into the room of naked people in collars being ordered about that she realized the severity of her actions. And it was only when the suave voice from behind her called out that she began to wonder about the consequences she had so easily shrugged off.

"I think you might have taken a wrong turn. You aren't a club member. At least...not yet."

[willingmale]

great start, can't wait to hear what happens to Maddie

[Sexualobster]

Hey not bad! The writing style is quite casual and you speak directly to the reader which is an interesting way of writing a story. Keep in mind that the light humour may start to get a bit difficult to keep up once your story starts to get more serious and 'chained up'.

Also, your sentences tend to straggle on for a bit making it a little difficult to read and keep up.

When she was finished, she decided it would be a good idea to relieve herself before making the trek back to her dorm to watch the latest episode of Extranatural, whereupon Jean, one of the ghost-hunting heroines, was to be rescued by her sister, Pam from purgatory for the eleventh time.

That was a difficult sentence to read for example. Try to use more full stops. One tip I took was long sentences are good for slow narrative, or describing something. When you want a feeling of tension, suspense or want to keep your reader on edge, use short sentences with lots of full stops.

I did not feel much of a buildup in the last part where she stumbled into the room and it felt like something she glanced at without much thought. I like it as it seems as if she just wandered in like it was nothing and took a few seconds to realize what had just happened. However I don't know if you intended for it to be written like that or if you wanted it to feel like a big reveal.

Overall its a good read and your English is good. I look forward to the next part !

[Saphir]

I really like the style, talking directly to the reader and digress here and there.

But I also have to agree with Sexualobster... the sentences are sometimes just too long... or, well not too long but the structure is too difficult for a smooth read. Try to avoid unnecessary long and difficult sentences, if you can express the same meaning/feeling in easier ones.

You party did that with shorter sentences though...
"Curiosity pulsed through Maddie's body. Or was that the urge to pee? Anyhow, she pushed on the door timidly to reveal.....that it was locked."

In comparison to the rest, this was short, so fitting to what is going on, good!

You have great potential!

Reading this I can actually learn some new words... And I like your stylistic work...

Alliteration
Curiosity Caught the Cat

Parallelism and intended repetition of questionable
eating sandwiches of questionable origin and
--1-------2-------3--------4--------5
talking about topics of questionable importance.
--1------------2---3--------4------------5

Something like an Anaphora (and some kind of Parallelism for the rest of the sentence)
So it was only when she walked into the room of naked people in collars being ordered about that she realized the severity of her actions.
And it was only when the suave voice from behind her called out that she began to wonder about the consequences she had so easily shrugged off.

good work :3 keep it coming ^^

[Gothamite]

Hello, and thank you all for your suggestions so far. Here are a few replies to the readers:

Keep in mind that the light humour may start to get a bit difficult to keep up once your story starts to get more serious and 'chained up'.

I am aware of this point, and it is a good one. There will, of course, be a stylistic shift based on the current situation within the story. This is to ensure that the story remains both entertaining and thematically sound.

But I also have to agree with Sexualobster... the sentences are sometimes just too long... or, well not too long but the structure is too difficult for a smooth read. Try to avoid unnecessary long and difficult sentences, if you can express the same meaning/feeling in easier ones.

Yes, I am afraid that I suffer from ramble-on syndrome. I blame the copious consumption of Lucky Charms. I will endeavor to improve the readability of the longer parts in future installments.

Again, thank you all. Your advice is appreciated and valued.

[b0ris]

Seeing the level of English used by some here (even though they are supposed to be "native speakers"), I understand why shortening your sentences is recommended.

I, on the other hand, have no problem at all with them, as long as the structure remains correct. In this case, I never had to read something twice. Therefore your text is perfect as it is, for me.

Regarding the comical note: I would like to read a less-than-extreme story for a change. The Club might the kind of association of sane people, with normal lives, all playing happily together. Hearing more laughter then screams in such a Club is a fact that I fortunately have witnessed myself

[Saphir]

Seeing the level of English used by some here (even though they are supposed to be "native speakers"), I understand why shortening your sentences is recommended.

Hehe true dat.

Well I had to reread two or three sentences, but then again I am not a native speaker, usually reading past midnight and my blood is not in my brain when I'm on gD.

I usually enjoy difficult language, and too easy and especially paratactic sentences can be real boring. But for me it's still better to not have too difficult stuff when I just want a quick read.

But well, keep it more difficult, and I am more likely to learn new stuff.

Oh and I have to completely agree about the sanity in clubs... ^^

[Sexualobster]

Originally Posted by b0ris

Seeing the level of English used by some here (even though they are supposed to be "native speakers"), I understand why shortening your sentences is recommended.

I am not suggesting shortening sentences because my meager English abilities can't cope. Sentence length is extremely important in setting the mood and the pace.