Shallowness in BDSM?

[MsFrancesca]

Hello!

We all know (well some of us) how BDSM works, or what it even stands for.
But that's aside, Let's say you got a nice and obedient submissive/slave regardless of the gender. That he/she is doing whatever you say, they are completely submissive and willing to please you. But.. you are not attracted to them sexually. Let's say, not around the weight/height you find normally attractive. Or maybe not good-looking, to you.

[works too for the slave finding their Master/Mistress attractive or not]

looks matters nowadays deep down we know that.

But now answer these questions;

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?

3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not?
Everyone is welcome to answer
I've always found this subject interesting and wanted to ask someone about it for a long time, so here it goes. Share your thoughts!

[Kitten]

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?
I think I would up to a certain point. If a person is so out of shape that they can't walk, that severely limits the kind of activities you could enjoy. But to me it's not my #1 concern.

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?
Up to a point. Finding each other attractive or finding each other sexually attractive are two different things. In some cases, one party not finding the other physically attractive could give extra depth to humiliation/degradation play. But I do think there has to be some kind of mental stimulation between the two.

3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?
I would rather have a partner I was attracted to if I was aiming for a long-term relationship with mutual feelings. If someone is not attractive to me that would limit a lot of things I'd wanna do with them. I think someones personality can take them a long way though. But I wouldn't likely have any kind of D/s relationship with someone who doesn't interest me at all, or even worse, disgusts me...

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not? YES! I am shallow like that. I'm blessed to be with someone I find very attractive. I'm not saying I could never do something to someone I didn't find attractive. But I don't think if I could do something with or for someone I didn't find attractive. Not in a BDSM context anyway.

p.s.
Of course, it doesn't have to be two people. Not forgetting the poly's out there.

[Noku]

for 1. it would be personality bc im not very looks based because everyone is beautiful in their own way

for 2. if partners find egouther attractive that perfect but if not its okay as long as they are loyal and truthful to egouther in every way possible

and for 3. if they have looks that's great but as i state in the first answer i am not shallow nor do i base on looks and it doas not affect me in any way possible

[Philosophical]

Every single one of these things is a shade of grey.

1. The probability of an initial approach, probably. People use physical attributes as an initial sorting mechanism, they subconsciously discount people who they do not consider physically attractive. This is in part due to eons of evolution, we're programmed to look for an attractive mate, thus increasing the likelihood that the genetic mix will bring about attractive offspring, which are then more likely to procreate themselves. In some ways we're no different from peacocks showing their feathers.

2. No. Although there's always the potential element of lust, on top of the BDSM relationship, which may be absent if one person does not find the other attractive. It's possible to have D/s relationships without ever seeing the person, as risky as it would be.

3. Of course. Again, we're biologically programmed to have certain neural responses to seeing things which we find attractive. The release of hormones and dopamine for example. At the end of the day you can't play all the time, and want someone who you can lay back, just spend time looking at, and feel nice about it.

It's all shades of grey though, to put a dozen parameters on who you would and would not accept in a BDSM relationship, many based on looks, before ever really interacting with that person.. well, that only stands to make the person who is looking lose out.

Are looks important? Yes, very much.

Are they the most important thing? No.

[Tushie]

1 At risk that this may sound kind of douchbaggerish (if that's an actual word), at least to me looks do matter a lot. And since, especially in the beginning, the physical attractiveness is a major factor in the process of consinderation if a relationship is worth starting, I'd obviously take looks into account. (lateron the character is more important to me... butt (this one is for fran =P) the first impression is not neglectable.

2 I don't think I could submit to someone I didn't find attractive.. I kind of need the feeling that the dom is actually worth submitting to. But the personality, intelligence etc. are also important. But in general - yes.

3 Definetly. But its way more fun to tease attractive dommes since they are mostly used to get what they want. So in this case it may affect the level of submission negatively ;P

4 In real life it matters even more - I once gave it a shot with a rather unattractive female.. and it was not fun at all :X

[Sharp Shooter]

Originally Posted by Kitten

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?
Up to a point. Finding each other attractive or finding each other sexually attractive are two different things. In some cases, one party not finding the other physically attractive could give extra depth to humiliation/degradation play. But I do think there has to be some kind of mental stimulation between the two.

I completely agree.

Since BDSM has a huge mental element that often exceeds the physical, it's important to recognize how other things can come into play. It's also important for the dom to understand what's going on in the sub's head so that the scene (experience) is more enjoyable or effective. When the dom doesn't know how the sub is handling a scene, serious problems can happen very quickly.

[dan1mal]

Depends.
RL, Id want the dominant/submissive to be good looking, or else it would just be a turn-off.
Online, I dont really mind too much, as you cant always see each other anyway

[Happy Me]

YAY. Questions. Happy fun.

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?
For an online relationship, no. I don't think it matters. In real life I don't have a specific look or body type that I am more attracted to. And I have not been able to nail down exactly what it is that determines whether or not I am attracted to someone. But yes, I would have to be attracted to them.

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?
Well, for me (I know it is not like this for everyone) the BDSM stuff is a whole lot of things, but the thing it really boils down to in the end is sex. So yes.

3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?
Yes. I definitely get more into it if I am attracted to them, but like I said before, this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their appearance, it is some combination of confidence, kindness, intelligence, and appearance all together.

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not?
Yes. If something is purely online, I really don't care at all what they look like etc. I really just care if they are intelligent, fun, nice, and creative.

[Rascal.]

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?

Determine? No. The whole relationship would not rely on this one factor. I feel however that if i was not attracted to the other person, then i could not have a relationship with them. But, if they are attractive, that doesn't mean that its a definite yes either. I feel like it plays a big part for me.

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?

Yes. For me to not find the other person attractive it would hugely determine on my commitment and excitement during play. I know i am shallow, but you are what you are. For me there is no difference between online and offline in this respect.

3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?

Yes, it has an effect. I haven't had much experience with someone i am not attracted to, since my girlfriend who i partake in BDSM with is very attractive in my eyes, so i am predicting this answer. I guess if there was a great Domme i may be able to see through it, but generally i feel the more attractive the woman, the more i would want to please her.

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not?

Yes. For me i need to get in a certain mental state. My current Domme can have control over me in an instant, i want to please her, but if she wasn't attractive i feel i would be much more bratty and ultimately end the relationship.

I'm aware that these answers will be looked down upon, and i agree it is a very shallow way of thinking. But its the truth. For this reason i could never be with a Male Dom or Sub, being straight. Good question though Fran, definitely had me thinking about myself for a while

[camslave_13]

1. Physical attraction is sometimes a factor that I might consider but personality and style of domination is way more important.

2. I think at least some mutual attraction will likely strengthen a BDSM relationship but successful relationships can happen between people who might not have a high level of physical attraction to each other so long as there are other redeeming qualities that each person thinks is more important.

3. I definitely think being attracted to my partner will greatly affect the level of submission, the more attractive that person is the more I would be willing to do I have toward them and I usually like them better, but like i said personality is important, I wouldn't be very down to be dominated by a really boring or super inconsiderate domme.

4. I am, and always will be more selective with my real life experience, online relationships provide a sort of disconnect and sometimes makes it easier to focus on personal traits rather than physical ones that might make me like or dislike somebody more.

[JaysonClaims]

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?
I'm sure it's a big deal for some people, but not for me. It makes more of a difference if the relationship is in real life of course, but not a digital one through gD or et.


2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?
Not a MUST but it certainly plays a part. If one finds the other un-attractive it's not going to be very pleasant is it?


3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?
Of course I would in a perfect world. And when you put it like that I would say it does affect the dares/tasks you would think up for a submissive and the other way around, yes.

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not? I think I answered this one myself above, haha, And yes. It does matter more if its in real life more than an online relationship.

[VelvetCage]

This is a great set of questions. There are a couple of things that I would say haven’t been raised by the people who already responded.

There’s a difference between beauty and attractiveness. Beauty is static (like in a statue or photo) and is independent of their personality. Attractiveness depends upon what a person is like. It can over time, sometimes quite abruptly. I suspect many of us have had the experience of, say, thinking someone plain and then watching them dance and instantly finding them quite the sensual creature. Other times it can happen quite slowly. My initial impression of one of the women I’m most attracted to in real life was that she was mousey. Indeed except for my wife all the women I find most desirable physically did not initially appeal to me.

So what I would say is that my reaction to someone’s physical appearance adjusts itself to my sense of personality. I recognize that people react to me in the same way. I’m plain looking myself and am not a social butterfly. I get initially passed over a lot and am frequently underestimated. It takes time and work to change that.

How does all of this play into bdsm? My sense is that physical attractiveness matters less in tops than bottoms. A top who is creative and loving and pushes your buttons will bend your sense of attractiveness to them. Bottoms seem to have a tougher time of that. I guess it’s because people are attracted to power itself.

The internet intensifies the use of beauty as a sorting mechanism. If you’re a top in a remote small town and there’s one bottom of the right gender, that alone will make them enormously attractive. On the internet, if someone doesn’t physically attract you, you’ll skip onto someone else with a click of a button. I’m not sure that this reflects well upon us but it happens.

[MsFrancesca]

Thank you all for answering. Really appreciate it
And some people asked me to answer the questions myself, so here it goes.

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?

To me yes, I only need the first impression on looks, If I find the person appealing to me appearance and personality wise I'd most likely be willing to give it a go,But only personality or just looks doesn't do it for me.

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?

Yes. Finding each other desirable makes thing more.. fun? Let's face it, hormones are A big factor to why most of the subs submit,to others.
And I'm not talking about 'I submit because i'm horny' It's more about the "BDSM is for me, in bed. Not outside of the room"

3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?

I myself is a Dominate, I dominated people who I did not find attractive, can't say I enjoyed it as much as dominating someone I am attracted to.

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not?

I did not try RL, yet.
But for me online, it must be somewhat of attraction for it to work. Speaking from experience.

[kentslave]

i dont know how to answer, i agree with a lot of people, i think the moderate approach is best, pros and cons of a person have to add up to what you find acceptable, not to make the human creation sound to categoric.

[Poeticstuff]

Originally Posted by MsFrancesca

1-Would you determinate the potential of the relationship based on looks/body type/ appearance in general?

2-Do you think it's a must for partners to find each other attractive to have a successful BDSM relationship?

3- Would you rather have partner you are attracted to? Does it effect your style/level of submission?

4- Does it matter if you are submitting/dominating online or in real life, wherever you find them attractive or not?

1. Yes, to an extent. I do believe that in a romantic or sexual relationship that sexual attraction is important on one level or another. Some people may value it more than others, but I think everyone has their standards, and if they don't feel sexually charged after a while, even if they feel romantically fulfilled, there will always be that itch they can't scratch.

2. Well, kind of. I've encountered people who have said that they are attracted to "ugly" girls/boys. I asked them "Then wouldn't that mean they are attractive? At least to you?" They all answered along the lines of "Maybe. But what turns me on is how much I'm unattracted to them. I don't really understand it."

I don't think it is necessary for everyone, I've found people who even pursue the opposite!

3. Personally I feel that I have to be reasonably attracted to my partner. I don't need to be with a partner whom is on the level of a super model to be happy in a bdsm relationship, but if there isn't enough to at the very least get my imagination moving, then I couldn't get into it.

4. In some ways, I consider online to be better, and in some ways, I find real life to be better. The obvious drawback to online is the lack of the physical aspect of it. However when using online means the air is a bit more laid back. When you're chatting via text, you can think before you talk. You can put more thought into what you want to do and say rather than flying wild on a whim. Also there is a kind... thrill to having a girl half the world away doing sexual acts for you and even sending you pictures. Not too many people can say they've done that.