[Fiction] Britain's Most Daring

[alli55]

“What would you do, if you got the chance to join the circus?” I ask the girls.

“I don’t know!” Lissie replies. “Maybe, … what’s that thing where they all stand on each other’s shoulders?”

“Balancing!” her Dad informs her.

“Well, that!” she says. “I could be, like, the top of the pyramid. That’d be really cool!"

“What about you, Maddie?” I enquire.

Maddie thinks about it for a bit, then says, “A magician!”

“Why?” her Dad asks.

“Then I could saw you in half!” she snickers. Lissie shrieks with laughter at the very idea.

“That’d be a nice twist on the usual!” I remark. “A pretty magician and her unglamorous assistant!”

“Thank you very much!” hubby says to me.

“My pleasure!” I reply, with a smile.

“What about you, Mam?” asks Maddie. “What would you be?”

“She’d have to be the ringmaster,” Phil answers for me, “so she could crack the whip, as usual!”

“Ooohh!” I exclaim.

“Dad?” Lissie enquires. “How about you?”

“I thought we’d already established that I was Maddie’s unglamorous assistant!”

“Being sawn in half!” Maddie reminds him.

All we need now are some clowns …!

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring’s Circus Special,” Trixie cries, “with me, Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… and me, Joe Denecker,” Joe adds, as usual.

“Before the break, we left our super six daredevils contemplating their options!” Trixie reminds us.

“They were given a list of possible circus acts they could try,” Joe tells us, “and asked to pick the one they liked the look of.”

“Once they’d chosen,” Trixie continues, “we found one of our ever-helpful team to accompany them, and packed them off to start their training!”

“So, let’s find out what they chose, and how they got on,” suggests Joe, “starting with Matt, who took Lisa with him to deepest, darkest Hampshire!”

“We’ve come to the main base of Happy’s Circus, to get Matt started on his training,” Lisa informs us, from what appears to be a gymnasium. “So, Matt, what are we going to see you doing?”

“I wanted something that I can use my strength!” Matt tells her. “So, they suggested acrobalance, whatever that is!”

“Well, let’s find out!” she says, as the shot widens out, to reveal two women and a man, all wearing tights with either leotards or a vest. “So, guys,” she says to them, “how about you give us a quick demonstration of acrobalance?!”

They get into position: the man, laying on his back, stretches his arms out and one of the women takes hold of his hands; she then proceeds to put one foot on each of his knees. As she balances there, he lifts his feet off the ground, bending his legs at the knee, until his lower legs are at right angles to his upper legs. The woman moves her hands from his, so as to take hold of the other woman’s hands. He then lowers his hands, allowing the second woman to step onto them, before he lifts her up until his arms are fully extended upwards. The two women balance, hand-to-hand, like that, and then each lets go of the other’s hands. They hold that position for a moment, and then they both jump to their left, dismounting and landing on the floor beside the man.

“That was great!” enthuses Lisa.

“I take it I’m going to be the one lying down!” grins Matt.

“Yep!” the man tells him, as he gets up off the floor. “Think you can do it?”

“Yeah, why not?!” Matt replies. “Where do I start?”

“Let’s see what you can lift!” the man says, and he takes Matt and Lisa over to a weights bench. “Hey, Billy, give us a hand, will you?!” he calls to another man. Billy comes over, and the two men stand either side, ready to support the weights if necessary.

We watch as Matt comfortably lifts the bar, and continues to lift it as increasingly-heavy weights are added, with the two lads looking suitably impressed.

“You should have no problem lifting Carla and Krissy!” the man tells him. “That’s good core strength you’ve got there!”

“That comes from lugging bricks around all day! But Carla and Krissy look like a lot more fun than a hod full of bricks!”

“I’m sure! So, we can start with the basics!”

We see a montage of Matt’s early training: laying on his back, he starts by lifting one of the women on his hands; then on his knees; and then performing the trick we saw earlier. We next watch as, kneeling this time, he holds one woman’s feet in his hands and lifts her so that she can sit astride his shoulders. The other woman then stands on his thighs and holds the hands of the woman on his shoulders. Matt slowly stands up, and the lower woman leans backwards so that the two women’s arms are both fully extended, forming a triangle shape out of the three bodies.

“Looks like Matt’s training is going well,” remarks Joe, back in the studio, “and I bet he prefers that to lion taming!”

“Indeed!” agrees Trixie. “Keenan, though, was not looking forward to his week at the circus. So, has it turned out as badly as he expected? Here’s Aleksandra to tell us!”

“Hello, and welcome to the National Centre for Circus Arts, here in London,” Aleksandra says. “Keenan’s come here to try to get a better idea of what he might be able to do. Let’s see what he has found!”

Keenan has found a unicycle! He is sat on it, supported by an instructor, who looks no more than 15! The boy is trying hard to get Keenan to move!

“Just gently rock back and forward!” he encourages. “Keep your hand on my shoulder, so you don’t have to worry about your side-balance! Just concentrate on your in-line balance, first!”

Cautiously, Keenan turns the pedals just enough to move the bike forward a little, but, instead of then pedalling backwards a little, he simply stops pedalling. His non-vertical body position pushes the unicycle forwards until gravity takes over and Keenan falls off backwards.

“Maybe not unicycling!” he tells Aleksandra, when he’s picked himself back up. …

… “Jaz’s wish has come true, and she’s really looking forward to getting on a trapeze!” Mairie tells us. “Surprisingly, Gemma has also decided to give it a go, so we’ve come to Regent’s Park, home to Gorilla Circus, who specialise in trapeze work.”

“Oh my God! Trapeze?!” exclaims Lissie.

“Wow! Go, Gemma!” Maddie adds.

Debs, the instructor, begins by showing Gemma and Jaz how to grip the trapeze bar correctly. This is done on a bar that is a little over 2 metres above the ground. Then, aided by Debs, first Jaz and then Gemma are taught how to do a Knee Hang, where you bring your legs up through your arms, hooking your knees over the bar, point your toes, release your hands, and, as the name of the manoeuvre suggests, hang by your knees.

After being attached to a safety harness, Jaz climbs with Debs up to the main platform, 14 metres in the air! Debs proceeds to demonstrate what the girls are to do, with a young man shouting the instructions from the ground below.

Then, it’s Jaz’s turn. “Ready!” calls the man, and Jaz, holding the trapeze with both hands, bends her knees. “Hup!” he calls, and Jaz jumps off the platform. She swings a couple of times, then he says, “Legs over, hook the knees!” and she begins to perform the move Debs had helped her do on the low bar earlier. “Hands off, nice big reach!” Jaz lets go and allows her hands to drop below her, as she performs her first aerial Knee Hang. “Hands back up!” he calls and she brings her hands back to the trapeze bar; “Legs off!” tells her to bring her legs back through and down, so she is now hanging by her hands. “And swing forward, swing back, tuck and release!” he tells her. She backflips off the trapeze, and with the harness supporting her, lands on her feet, with a smile as wide as her face can handle!

“That was awesome!” she beams. “I can’t wait to get up there again!”

Before she can, though, it’s Gemma’s turn. She’s not as confident as Jaz, and takes a few extra swings before she’s ready to start her Knee Hang manoeuvre. Once she’s got herself into the right position, she lets go with her hands and swings a couple of times, before grabbing the bar again. Getting her legs off proves to be a struggle, and by the time she’s ready to drop off the trapeze, it’s only swinging half the length that it should be. No matter; she’s done it, and she’s really pleased with herself!

“After a few more goes, and some more training, Debs decides the girls are ready to take the next step,” Mairie informs us.

This time, when Jaz gets ready to swing, there’s already a man swinging on the trapeze at the other end. Debs tells Jaz at what point on his swing she needs to start her swing, and then off she goes. After a couple of swings, the man on the ground shouts “This time, release!”, and, when she gets to the far end of the next swing, Jaz lets go. Her momentum takes her forward, and she reaches her hands up, allowing the man on the other trapeze to catch her.

We then watch as Gemma does the same thing, to the constant encouragement from Debs.

On Jaz’s next go, we notice that she is swinging backwards. This time, when she releases, she twists 180 degrees in mid-air, before gripping her partner’s hands.

“This is the best thing ever!” she tells Mairie, back on the ground. “I can’t wait to get to the actual circus, and do this for real!”

“How about you, Gemma,” Mairie asks, “how are you finding it?”

“Yeah, it’s good!” she replies. “I’m getting more confident, so, yeah!”

“Wow!” exclaims Trixie. “That looks incredible!”

“The girls certainly seem to have taken to it!” agrees Joe. “Unlike Keenan …”

We see Keenan attempting to juggle, but getting in a right pickle, with the three juggling balls going in all directions. Next, he tries his hand at plate-spinning; but, it’s a good job the plates are plastic, or else there’d be smashed crockery all over the place! However, his tightrope walking seems to be going better, as we watch him edge his way cautiously along the wire. We are suitably impressed, until the camera pans out and we see that the tightrope is no more than half a metre off the ground! …

… “Eilidh,” begins Lorna, “we’ve come to Aerial Circus, so I’m guessing you’ve chosen something that involves being up in the air!”

“Aye, aerial silks,” Eilidh confirms.

“Which is …?”

“You remember that BBC thing with the four girls on long red ribbon things?”

“Yeah!”

“Well, that’s aerial silks!”

“Okay! That seems quite a challenge!” Lorna remarks. “Are you ready for it?”

“Definitely!” Eilidh asserts.

Standing next to a blue silk, which is hanging from a large hook in the ceiling above, Eilidh is being given basic instructions by Gigi, her teacher for the day.

“Which is your strongest leg?” Gigi asks Eilidh.

“This one!” Eilidh replies, waggling her left leg.

“Okay! So, take the silk in both hands, and wrap your left lower leg once around the silk,” Gigi instructs. Eilidh does as she’s told, and Gigi continues, “Now, pull up with your arms, and bring your legs up with you. Make sure your arm is firm! Okay, put your free foot on top of the silk; that stops it slipping and means you’re not supporting all your weight with just your arms.”

It takes Eilidh several goes before she begins to gain a bit of confidence and can stay in that position.

“Okay,” Gigi tells her, “now stand up, and continue climbing until your feet are level with my head!” Once Eilidh is high enough, Gigi keeps her there for a while, before instructing her on the safe way to come down. “Walk yourself slowly down, hand over hand, until you’re no more than a foot off the ground!” she tells Eilidh. “Under no circumstances do you even think about sliding down; you’ll get really painful second-degree burns on the top of your feet if you do!” she warns.

Lorna watches on, as Eilidh slowly lowers herself back down the silk.

“Good, well done!” Gigi congratulates Eilidh, when she’s back on terra-firma. “Believe it or not, that’s the hardest thing to do!”

“Well, it appears our daredevils are well on their way to turning themselves into circus performers!” Trixie remarks.

“Except Keenan!” Joe points out.

“Mmm!” Trixie acknowledges. “But who knows, he may find his niche, somewhere! We’ll find out after this! Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be back for more, before you know it!”

“Mam, …?” begins Lissie.

“You’re already doing Cheerleading classes, you’re not doing circus ones as well!” I pre-empt her.

“Oh!” she says, rather disappointed.

“It did look fun, though!” Maddie comments, somewhat lost in thought.

[alli55]

The sunlight streaming in through the window reminds me how fickle the British summer weather can be. If it wasn’t for the fact that everything outside is soaking wet, you would never have known that half-an-hour ago we were in the middle of an apocalyptic thunderstorm!

Lissie picks herself up and moves just enough to get out of the dazzling rays of the sun. Her new position means her wiggling foot is brushing against Maddie’s. Maddie looks at her sister, then looks questioningly at me. I smile and nod to her, silently giving my permission for her to do what she’s planning. Surreptitiously, she leans forward, and then pounces! She grabs the offending foot, and mercilessly tickles its sole.

Lissie’s body jerks in response to the shock of Maddie’s sudden attack, and then convulses as the tickle-torture takes effect. She tries desperately to wriggle out of Maddie’s grasp, her laughter leaving her gasping for breath. When she decides that her sister has suffered enough, Maddie let’s go and sits back in her chair.

“What d’you do that for?” Lissie asks, when she’s got her breath back.

“You wiggled once too often!” Maddie informs her.

“I nearly died!” Lissie exaggerates.

“Well, at least you’d have died laughing!” I remark.

“A bloke did that, once!” Phil informs us. “Watching a TV programme! He laughed so much, it brought on a heart attack, and he dropped dead!”

“Seriously?” asks Lissie, disbelievingly.

“Yeah!” he insists.

“What was the programme?”

“The Goodies!” he tells her.

“Never heard of it!”

“Well, you wouldn’t! It was 40 years ago!” he points out.

“What was so funny about it?” Maddie enquires.

“They’d invented a new martial art, called Ecky Thump!” Phil explains. “Which, basically, involved hitting each other round the head with black puddings!”

“Oh, okay!” replies Maddie, not sure what to make of it all.

I don’t remember it! All I remember of The Goodies is that giant kitten knocking down the Post Office Tower! But, then, that’s not something you’re likely to forget, is it?!

“Welcome back!” Trixie greets us. “We’re at the circus this week, and our daredevils are getting some serious training, ready for their big performances!”

“Let’s find out what Dylan’s been up to!” Joe suggests. “He’s with a load of clowns, one of whom you might recognise!”

Lowri and Dylan are with two men, who look completely normal apart from the fact that the younger one has a green-floppy-haired wig on and the other is sporting a wig made of shocking red hair; oh, that and the fact they are both wearing a red nose!

“Dylan has come to see Bobbity-Bob, who’s been performing clown routines for more than 20 years, to pick up some pointers on clowning,” Lowri tells us. “Bobbity-Bob’s nephew, Booby the Clown, just happened to be here, so we’ve kind of got two-for-the-price-of-one!”

“Okay, Dylan, before we go any further, let’s see how connected you are to your clown!” says Bobbity-Bob. “We’ll try a simple exercise!” He places an ordinary wooden chair in the middle of the room. “Anyone who sits on the chair, or stands near it, or walks by it, has to stop and not do nothing. You can do whatever you want: but nothing rude, nothing offensive, and nothing likely to cause injury!”

Everyone moves away from the chair, and the exercise begins. Booby approaches the chair, sits on it, and does a silly dance with his legs. Getting the idea, Dylan walks up to the chair and sits down, the wrong way round; he scratches his head and then turns himself the correct way. Bobbity-Bob nods, approvingly. Booby then returns to the chair, but develops an itch when he sits down; the longer he sits there the more uncontrollable the urge to scratch his itch becomes! When he next goes to the chair, Dylan pauses, thinking; then he sits on it and pretends to be incredibly sleepy. He allows his head to fall forward, then his whole body slumps forward, until he eventually falls off the chair, waking himself up in the process.

“Excellent!” exclaims Bobbity-Bob. “You’ve got a good link to your inner clown! We just need to strengthen the link, and let him take over your imagination!” Noticing Dylan looking a little confused, he adds, “Let me demonstrate!” He walks over to the chair and, like Dylan did, sits on it the wrong way round. “When you did this,” he tells Dylan, “your clown could have developed it! Maybe like this!” He scratches his head, looks at himself and the chair, then indicates, using facial expressions, that he’s had an idea: he takes hold of the chair, and jumps so that he is sitting facing the other way, but because he’s holding it, the chair has also turned, so he’s still the wrong way round! “See what I mean?” he asks Dylan.

“Yeah,” Dylan nods, “it’s, like, get an idea and go with it, and keep going as far as it will take you!”

“Exactly!” agrees Bobbity-Bob.

“So, what sort of thing do you think I should be doing?” asks Dylan.

“Are you going to be performing solo, or as part of an existing group?”

“He’s going to a circus and taking part in their show,” Lowri says, “so I think he’ll be working with their usual clown.”

“Okay, in that case,” replies Bobbity-Bob, “their clown will have a set routine or, at least, some preferred gags. So, you’ll be fitting in with that. Just remember, it’s all about exaggerating everything, and letting your clown loose!”

“I can’t wait!” enthuses Dylan. …

… “We’ve come to beautiful Blenheim Palace,” Richie tells us, as he and Jaz stand in front of a very impressive stately home, “to join Gifford’s Circus, who are here for five nights from Friday.”

The camera pans round to show a large, white, big-top marquee, centrally-placed in a large grassy area in the palace grounds. A group of four people – two men and two women – are walking towards Richie and Jaz. One of the men tells them he’s Sergey, and introduces Dmitry and the two girls, Dasha and Yulia.

“So, you want to be on trapeze with us!” Sergey says to Jaz.

“Yeah, I’d love to!” she tells him.

“So, come on then!” he replies. “”What we wait for?”

Inside the big-top, there are two platforms, each with a trapeze swing, and there is a large safety net underneath the whole set-up.

“So, up we go!” Sergey encourages Jaz, and the two of them, along with Yulia, climb one ladder. Dmitry and Dasha go up to the other platform.

“So, have you done before?” Sergey asks, once they’re on the platform.

“I’ve had a couple of lessons and a few goes,” Jaz tells him, “but not much!”

“Is good!” he assures her. “It will be okay! We will start with easy!”

“Do you not have a safety harness?” she queries.

“No, we have nowhere to fix,” he replies. “But, net is there, so is safe!”

“Have you ever fallen?”

“I fall lots of times,” Yulia tells her, “but always net catches me, so is okay!”

“So, you are ready?” Sergey asks Jaz. She nods, and he continues, “Watch Yulia, then you do!”

Sergey signals to Dmitry, who pushes off from the other platform, and quickly puts himself into a Knee Hang. Yulia then pushes off, swings a couple of times, and then, as the two approach their closest point, releases, twists through 360 degrees and clutches Dmitry’s hands. They swing back towards the platform, and then, as they head for the middle again, Dmitry lets go and Yulia falls into the net.

“Now you!” Sergey tells Jaz, as Dmitry works to keep his swing at the correct tempo. Jaz pushes off when Sergey instructs her to, and goes through the same simple routine she’s just seen Yulia perform. When she lands in the safety net, she is bubbling over with excitement! …

… Lorna is also in a big-top, only the one she’s in is a much more vibrant red-and-yellow-striped affair! “Eilidh has joined Zippos Circus for the week,” she informs us, “and Svetlana has got her on the silks straight away!” The camera pulls out and we can see Eilidh demonstrating her climbing technique to a young, lithe, dark-haired woman, Svetlana, who is watching intently.

“Okay, now come down!” she tells Eilidh, who does so, making very sure she does it properly.

“Good!” Svetlana says. “Do you know one-foot tie-in?”

“Aye,” Eilidh tells her.

“Show me!” she orders.

Eilidh re-climbs the silks, to about a metre or so off the ground, then wraps her leg round the silk, pulls out some slack and loops it under her foot, so it looks like she’s wearing a shoe, being careful to leave her heel and toes uncovered. Svetlana inspects it closely, and pronounces herself satisfied with Eilidh’s one-foot tie-in.

Once Eilidh is back on the ground, Svetlana says, “Okay, we can start to teach you some simple positions!”

“Great!” enthuses Eilidh. “Let’s do it!”

“We can start with Ship’s Lady!”

“Sounds good!”

“Okay, first you must tie yourself in!”

As always, the first few attempts are tried at a height of no more than a metre or so, for safety. When Eilidh’s tied in, Svetlana half-tells and half-shows her what to do.

“Okay, so we separate the silks,” she begins. “Now, lift your arms and grip the separate silks, … higher, … so, your elbows need to be level with the top of your head, … good! Now, lean forward through the silks, so your body is in front of them, … now, push your other knee as far in front as you can, really extend your leg, … yes! I like it! That is Ship’s Lady! Good, yes?”

“Aye!” agrees Eilidh.

“Okay, down, and then you try, no help!” Svetlana tells her. We watch as Eilidh tries to remember the moves, but she still needs help the first couple of times. The third time, however, she masters it, and looks really pleased with herself!

“Well, everything seems to be going really well!” exclaims Trixie, when we return to the studio. “Those were some really impressive moves from Jaz and Eilidh!”

“They certainly were,” agrees Joe, “and Dylan looks like a natural clown!”

“Yes, he does!” Trixie concurs. “So, dare we find out how Keenan’s getting on?”

“Okay, in the interests of showing you lot at home that this stuff isn’t as easy as it looks,” Joe grins, “here’s Keenan once more!”

Keenan is still on the not-at-all-high-wire, shuffling cautiously along. “I reckon I could get the hang of this tightrope walking!” he declares.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Aleksandra replies, “but I think you have to do tricks on it, not just walk very slowly!”

“Tricks?” he asks. “Like what?”

“I think you jump up and down, or you turn around,” she tells him, “things like that!”

“Really?”

“Yes!” she insists. “One time, when I saw the Moscow State Circus, this guy, he rode his bicycle along the tightrope! Maybe you could do that?!”

“Are you mad?”

“I’m just telling you what I saw!”

“Maybe I’ll try something else!” he decides. …

… “Gemma is about to get her first experience of free-flying,” Mairie tells us, “with no safety harness to hold her up!” She turns and points to a couple of figures high above her on one of the trapeze platforms.

A close-up shot allows us to drop in on the conversation between Gemma and her instructor, Stuey, a fellow Geordie.

“So, the first thing you have to get used to is falling off!” he tells the nervous-looking teenager.

“I’ve got to fall off on purpose?” she checks.

“Yeah,” he confirms, “and you’ve got to keep doing it until I’m happy you’re completely confident about the net keeping you safe! So, grab hold, push yourself off, and, when I tell you, let go!”

We see a series of clips of Gemma falling off the trapeze, at various points in her swing. Each time she lands in the safety net and scrambles to the edge of it, before being helped off by a pretty brunette in a black unitard.

“Eventually, Stuey thinks Gemma has the confidence she needs, so, while he goes to the other platform, he leaves Gemma in Lilly’s capable hands,” Mairie explains.

After a bit of encouragement from Lilly, Gemma is ready. We watch as Stuey and Gemma perform the same routine that we saw Dmitry and Jaz do earlier, but without the 360 degree spin. Swinging back and forth, holding on to Stuey, Gemma is smiling broadly; but the smile disappears in an instant, when Stuey lets go of her and she falls into the safety net once more.

“You never warned me you were going to do that!” she complains, loudly. The sound of male laughter comes from above her!

“Typical Geordie bloke,” remarks Trixie, “always dropping you in it!”

“Charming!” Joe exclaims.

“Just saying!”

Joe grins and gives Trixie a look that, if she’d spotted it, would have set alarm bells ringing in her head, but she doesn’t notice. “So, after the break,” he says, mischievously, “Trixie will be telling you all about the finer details of the intricacies involved in aerial silk routines! Join us then …!”

“Pardon?” she says, caught completely unaware. “I don’t think that’s happening! What we will be doing when we come back,” she corrects, “is showing you just how much more work our daredevils have to do to get themselves to performance standard. So, join us, then, for more circus skills on Britain’s Most Daring!”

“Well, it’s obvious who’s going this week!” declares Lissie. “Keenan! He’s completely useless!”

“That doesn’t mean he’ll be going, though, does it?” her Dad points out.

“Uh?” she asks, clearly believing that it does!

“It only means he’ll end up in the Dare-Off!” he tells her. “But he might win that, depending what it is! And then he stays on the show!”

“I s’pose!” she concedes. “But I still think he’s going!”

[alli55]

“So, if Keenan’s going, little Miss Know-It-All,” Phil asks Lissie, “who’s going to win, then?”

“And don’t just say Gemma!” Maddie warns her sister.

“I wasn’t going to!” she protests.

“Really?!” her sister replies, disbelievingly. “So, who, then?”

“Not Matt,” she says, as she ponders her options. “Jaz maybe, … or Dylan, … or maybe Eilidh, … and, actually, I think Gemma has a proper chance as well!”

“Oh, well that’s really narrowed it down!” her Dad remarks, sarcastically.

“Well, I don’t know!” retorts Lissie. “They all look good so far!”

“She’s right!” I agree, coming to my youngest’s aid. “Apart from Keenan, they all seem to be quite good at what they’re doing! We’ll just have to wait to see the performances, I reckon!”

“Hello, and welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie greets our return.

“This week, it’s wor Circus Special,” Joe reminds us, “and wor daredevils have been getting some intensive training on their chosen skills.”

“Except for Keenan,” Trixie points out, “who still hadn’t found anything to suit his abilities, when we last saw him!”

“So, has that changed?” Joe wonders. “Let’s see!”

“Maybe I could do magic tricks!” Keenan tells Aleksandra.

“Do you know any magic tricks?” she asks.

“No!”

“Okay!”

“Probably not that, then!” Keenan concedes. “D’you reckon street dancing would be okay for a circus?”

“You weren’t very good at street dancing!” she reminds him.

“Yeah, there is that!”

“There must be something that you can do!” Aleksandra says.

“I could be the ringmaster!” he suggests.

“Hmm, I’m not sure that counts!” she states …

… “Having proved he’s got the strength to be a reliable base, Matt is working through some of the routine that he’s going to be performing, with Dale, Carla and Krissy,” Lisa tells us.

They are working next to a large wall mirror, so that Matt can copy Dale’s position and Dale, in turn, can keep an eye on Matt. Both the lads are laying, head-to-head, on their backs.

“Okay,” Dale instructs, “lift your legs, so that they are vertical! Now, bring your knees to your chest, but keep your feet flat, soles upwards!”

Once Dale is satisfied with Matt’s position, the girls climb aboard, each sitting on one of the lads’ feet.

“Right, extend your legs fully,” Dale tells Matt “and keep them as steady as you can!” Carla, on Dale’s feet, is already changing her posture, and, as soon as Matt’s legs are fully extended, Krissy begins to move as well. She leans her head right back, lowering herself into a near-horizontal position, extending her legs out the other way to maintain her balance. She rests her foot against the back of Matt’s knee, and holds it in place with one hand. Then she lifts her other leg into a vertical position, extending it fully. Both girls lean their heads back so they are looking at each other. Dale takes a look in the mirror, and seems happy with the pose.

“How was that?” he asks, when the girls have dismounted.

“He was good, really stable!” Krissy tells him.

“It really tests your leg muscles!” Matt admits.

“I’m not that heavy!” Krissy protests, jokingly. Matt sniggers.

“Want to try another?” Dale asks.

“Yeah! Defo!” Matt replies.

“Let’s try a foot-stand! Carla, you do the honours!”

Following Dale’s instructions, Matt lays on his back once more, and bends his knees, keeping his heels on the floor. He raises his hands for Carla to take hold of them, as she steps onto his feet. Extending his legs fully, he waits for her to shift along so that she is now kneeling on his feet. One-by-one he bends his knees, and she stands, sole-to-sole, on his feet, so that she ends up crouching, feet-to-feet, holding his hands. Carefully, she lets go of his hands and steadies herself, as he extends his legs fully once more. She then completes the foot-stand by lifting herself into a fully upright, standing position: she is, literally, standing on his feet!

“How are your legs now?” Dale asks.

“Yeah, okay,” Matt tells him, “I don’t think Carla’s as heavy as Krissy!”

“Yay!” cries Carla. “Hear that, heavyweight?” she taunts Krissy. “That’s all those pizzas you keep ordering!”

“That you help me eat!” Krissy retorts.

“Right, Carla, dismount, and then, everyone, we’ll freshen up, and get together and have a think about putting a routine together!” …

… Richie is standing in the grounds of Blenheim Palace, as tourists mingle around. “Sergey is pleased with the way Jaz is gaining confidence on the flying trapeze,” he reveals, “but, now, it’s time for her biggest test yet! Re-attaching herself to a loose trapeze swing!”

“You ready?” Sergey asks Jaz. She nods, and he tells her to push off, in the nicest possible sense, of course! She swings once and then releases, twisting 360 degrees and allowing Dimitry to catch her. “Okay, do 180 back, so you can see where swing is!” Sergey calls to her. Dmitry swings her back towards the middle, and she releases, twists and reaches for the empty swing. She misses and falls into the safety net. “No problem!” Sergey assures her. “It is normal! Back up and try again!”

We see her try again, and miss again, ending up in the net once more. “Again!” Sergey calls down to her.

“It takes a while,” we hear Riche say, over footage of Jaz missing the trapeze again, “and more falls than she’d like to remember, but eventually Jaz manages to get herself back to the platform the proper way!” We see Dmitry release Jaz, who twists 180 degrees and reaches for the empty swing; this time, she grabs hold of it, and swings back up to the platform, where Sergey grabs her and gives her a hug!

“I can’t believe I did it!” she exclaims. “That was amazing!”

“Now you must do it again, and again, and again,” he tells her, “until you do it every time!”

“Yeah!” Jaz promises.

“Then, you can do some tricks, maybe!”

“Oh, yeah, I really want to try some!” she enthuses.

“So, lots of practice!” he states. “Make Dimitry tired out!”

“D’you know what?” Joe asks Trixie, as they turn back to face us, “Every time we go back and see Jaz, she gets more and more impressive!”

“I know what you mean!” Trixie tells him. “I’m really looking forward to seeing her performance a bit later on!”

“I’ll tell you what I want to see,” Joe reveals, “and that’s Lowri getting pied!”

“Let’s see if Dylan can make your wish come true, then!” says Trixie, providing a link to the next segment.

“You must be Dylan,” says a cheerful chap, in red dungarees and a backwards baseball cap, who, otherwise, looks alarmingly like Professor Eilidh from last week’s show! “Pip!” he adds, by way of introduction.

“Hi!” replies Dylan.

“So, you’re going to be my accomplice?” Pip checks. “Are you ready for that?”

“Absolutely!”

“Okay, so, I’m usually a solo performer,” he explains, “but we can do a couple of fairly standard skits that always go down well! How are you at taking a pie?”

“Is there a special technique?” Dylan asks.

“Yep! Shut your eyes at the last minute, and don’t eat too much of it! It’ll make you fat!” Pip deadpans.

“Nice one!” Dylan laughs. “So, I take it I’m getting pied!”

“There’s a strict hierarchy in a good clown routine,” Pip informs him, “otherwise it degenerates into chaos, and you lose your audience. We want them to feel the injustice of you always being on the receiving end, so they become emotionally involved. That’s the key, you have to engage the audience, and get them involved!”

“Right, I get it!”

“Then, maybe, at the end, we can throw in a twist, and give them what they’ll want by then,” he adds, “which is you getting a bit of revenge! Maybe! Sometimes it’s better just to leave them clamouring for it!”

The camera pulls back, to reveal a table full of clown’s pies, ready and waiting to be used. “So, let’s see how you do!” Pip says, as he reaches for a pie. He proceeds to splat Dylan fully in the face with it. Dylan immediately reaches up to wipe the gunk away from his eyes. “Try not to do that straight away,” Pip tells him, “it’s funnier to allow it to slowly drip down for a bit, then wipe!” He pies Dylan again, and this time Dylan resists the urge to clear his eyes, keeping them shut. “You do need to open your eyes, though!” Pip instructs. “Let’s try again!” Another pie lands on Dylan’s face, and this time he opens his eyes as bits of gunk slowly fall down his face.

“My turn!” we hear Lowri say, and before anyone can stop her, she smacks Dylan in the face with a pie. “Oh, yes, that felt good!” she remarks, and sniggers.

“No, no, that’s the wrong way round!” Joe exclaims. “That’s so disappointing! Surely, someone’s got to get her before we finish! I’ll pay good money!”

Trixie snickers, but quickly gets a grip of herself, and says, “Let’s see some more circus action! Here’s Mairie, with an update on Gemma’s week!”

“Take a look up there!” Mairie says, pointing up and behind.

The camera zooms in, following the direction of her finger. Stuey is swinging on the trapeze, in a Knee Hang, ready to catch; Gemma is on the other trapeze, and leaps across to be caught by Stuey; they swing back and then, on the return to the middle, Gemma releases, twists, and catches the free trapeze, and plants her feet on the platform when it comes within reach.

“How about that!” we hear Mairie say.

Once Gemma, Stuey and Lilly are all back on the ground, Mairie takes the opportunity to get an interview with them.

“So, Gemma,” she begins, “that was phenomenal! How did you feel up there?”

“It was magic!” the excited teenager tells her. “Flying through the air, my God, it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced!”

“How’s she doing?” Mairie asks Stuey.,

“She’s doing champion!” he replies. “She’s come on tremendously with her confidence, and that’s what it’s all about!”

“Lilly, is there anything else she needs to learn?” Mairie enquires.

“Not really, not for our act, at least!” Lilly says. “We are normally just a duo, so we just do simple catcher-flyer moves. As long as she can get back to the platform every time, she’ll be fine for the performance!”

“How does that sound?” Mairie asks Gemma.

“That sounds awesome!” she enthuses. “I canna wait!”

“You’ve got lots of practice, before then!” Stuey warns her. “Lots of practice!” he emphasises. …

… One person who is definitely going to need some practice is Keenan, if he can ever decide what he’s actually going to do!

“So, Keenan,” Aleksandra asks him, “what’s your latest idea?”

“This is the one!” he tells her. “I’ve found my thing! For definite, this is it!”

“That’s great!” she says. “So, what is it?”

“A comedy plate-spinning routine!” he states. “I’m going to pretend to not be able to do it, so it all goes wrong!”

“I don’t think you need to pretend!” she remarks.

“That’s the beauty of it!” he explains. “It’ll all come naturally! All I have to do is add the comedy reactions, and, boom, it’s done. Circus magic!”

“I can’t wait!” she says, leaving us unsure as to whether she really means it, or if she’s developed a sarcastic streak.

Back in the studio, Trixie and Joe seem equally unsure about Keenan’s idea.

“Well, that’s either inspired or desperate!” Joe declares. “I just don’t know which!”

“Hmmm, well, we’ll find out soon enough!” Trixie informs him, and us. “We’re going to take another break now, but when we come back it’ll be showtime! We’ll see then how our daredevils cope with their big nights! Join us, for all the thrills and spills of the ring, on Britain’s Most Daring’s Circus Special. Right after this!”

“D’you know what? I reckon Gemma’s going to win!” Lissie tells us.

“She certainly looked good!” agrees Maddie.

“She was brilliant!” Lissie corrects her.

“It’ll be really interesting, that’s for sure!” I remark.

“It’ll be awesome if she wins!” Lissie says. “Really awesome!”

[alli55]

Lissie wants Gemma to win every week, of course, and is always convinced she can!

But, after her incredible first week’s triumph, when she opportunistically took advantage of a situation presented to her, she has never really looked like winning, if I’m being brutally honest. Obviously, she was part of the winning choir and the winning cheerleaders, but, individually, there always seem to be others who are more daring or more creative with their dare.

This week, though, I think she’s in with a real chance, so the anticipation and excitement in our living room is at fever pitch!

Come on, Gemma! You can do it!

“This week, Britain’s Most Daring is at the circus!” Joe informs us, taking his first ever turn at welcoming us back from an advert break. “So, without further ado, here’s your ringmaster for the evening, … wor Trixie!”

“Roll up! Roll up!” Trixie calls, getting into character. “Prepare to be amazed and delighted, astounded and entranced, thrilled and amused, as our daredevils dazzle you with their skills, entertain you with their enthusiasm, and astonish you with their daring!”

“Great introduction!” comments Joe.

“Don’t interrupt!” she rebukes him. “Ladies and gentlemen, let the show commence, … with our incredible acrobalancers!”

Onscreen, at their circus venue, Matt and Dale, with Carla and Krissy, begin their routine with the move that we saw them rehearse earlier. We then see Carla perform a foot-stand with Matt as her base, before we get our first look at a different move, which ends with Matt and Krissy in a really improbable position: he is standing, leaning back for balance, whilst she is upside-down, her hands supporting her on Matt’s knees as he holds her waist and she spreads her legs up and down, so that her body seems to be in the shape of the three legs of the Isle of Man flag. For the next move, Matt is laying flat on his back once more, with his legs extended fully upwards; and Carla manoeuvres herself until she is fully-extended upside-down, holding Matt’s knees, as he supports her head just above his chest.

We then come to the big finish! All four arrange themselves into a square – Matt, Krissy, Dale, Carla – and get into a crab position, with hands and feet on the floor. They shuffle in tighter, so that each is resting their head on the next person’s knees, and then everyone lifts their hands off the floor and folds them across their chest. It appears almost impossible that they are able to remain in that position, but, incredibly, they then start to spin the square round! After spinning it through a full 360 degrees, they all raise their hands and wave to the audience, before clapping, encouraging the audience to join in. As the applause rings out, they put their hands down and disengage, standing up to take their bow. In the bottom two corners of the screen, we see the DAPAs award their scores: 7 points each, for a total of 14.

“Matt, that was incredible!” enthuses Joe, as they sit together in the row of chairs. “How did you feel?”

“It was fantastic!” he replies. “And watching it on the screen, I still can’t work out how that last one actually works!”

“And a pretty decent score!” Joe remarks.

“Yeah, happy with that!” Matt tells him.

“Now, ladies and gentlemen, be wowed by the amazing skill of Eilidh the silk-aerialist!” cries ringmaster Trixie, introducing our next act.

Eilidh begins with the Ship’s Lady pose, some 3 metres off the ground. She returns to the upright position, and then swings her upper body through the silks, securing them around her waist, before leaning forward and touching her toes; she squats, with her knees pointing outwards, and gravity does the rest, leaving her in an upside-down Buddha position. Pulling herself back up, she pauses as the crowd applauds, and then begins her next trick. She double wraps the silk around one leg and leans her upper body between the silks once more; bending her other leg at the knee, she then extends it upwards, before lowering her head, and doing the splits, with her legs almost horizontal. After holding that position briefly, she brings her legs back together along the line of the silks and lets go with one hand. She uses this free hand to pull on the silks to set them rotating, and arches her back to create a pleasing pose as she spins.

As she tries to manoeuvre herself back, her leg seems to slip, and she looks alarmed. Svetlana rushes to her aid, holding onto her lower leg, as she recovers her grip on the silks. Satisfied that Eilidh is back in control, Svetlana leaves her to finish her routine, which she does with another Ship’s Lady pose, before hooking both legs into the silks and letting go with her hands, raising her arms to take the audience’s applause. Once more, the DAPAs appear at the bottom of the screen, and we see that Dan has awarded 8 points and Danielle 7, putting Eilidh into the lead so far.

“That looked a little scary at one point!” Joe says to Eilidh.

“Aye, my grip went, and I thought I was gonnae fall!” she admits. “I was terrified, but Svetlana got me back under control, thank goodness!”

“15 points, how’s that?” he asks.

“That’s great! The whole week’s been great! Just … brilliant!”

“And now,” Trixie announces, “it’s time for that daring young Jaz on the flying trapeze!”

As we watch Jaz, it is clear that she has become completely confident in catching the loose swing, and we see her perform three different tricks: a 360 spin, then a 180 spin from a backwards release, and then a reverse 360 spin; each time Dmitry catches her and then sends her back with a 180 spin. We then see the two girls, Jaz and Yulia, start from opposite platforms, hanging by their hands. They swing a couple of times, and then both release and swap trapezes, narrowly avoiding each other in mid-air. Planting themselves on the platforms, they turn and repeat the trick, each ending up on the platform that they started from initially.

Jaz’s big finish sees Dmitry resume his catching duty. Once he’s got his full swing going, Jaz pushes off and after one swing to get going, simply lets herself off the trapeze as Dmitry grabs her by her ankles. They swing once, as Dasha grabs the empty trapeze and swings towards them. As the two swings approach each other, Dmitry sends Jaz back at the same time as Dasha lets go. Dmitry catches her as Jaz grabs the empty trapeze; one swing later, Dmitry sends Dasha across to join Jaz on her trapeze, and the two girls land themselves on the platform and take the deserved applause. We look to the bottom of the screen to see Dan and Danielle both give Jaz 9 points, giving her 18 in total, a potential show-winning score.

That’s probably ended Gemma’s chances of winning, unless she’s spectacularly good!

“Wow, Jaz, what was that like?” Joe enquires, as Eilidh high-fives her.

“Unbelievable!” exclaims Jaz. “That was the best thing ever! Flying through the air was amazing! I can’t really describe how much of a buzz you get!”

“Am I looking at this week’s winner?” Joe asks, cheekily.

“I don’t know! I can’t believe that score!”

“Time for our speciality act, now!” declares Trixie. “Here’s Keenan, with his unique approach to plate-spinning!”

Keenan has 6 flexi-poles in front of him and a huge stack of tea plates on a table by his side. He indicates to the plates and then the poles, using exaggerated gestures, before picking up a plate and showing it to the audience. He places the plate on the top of a pole, spins it and begins to waggle the pole, to get the plate spinning faster. It certainly goes faster: straight off and into the table, with a smash. Undeterred he tries again, only this time the plate just slips straight off without even spinning. Keenan scratches his head and gives a puzzled look to the audience, who are starting to wonder whether he is deliberately useless or just useless. On his third go, he gets a plate spinning long enough to grab hold of a second, which he attempts to set spinning; but, by the time he’s started that off, the first one has fallen off and broken. If he had genuinely been able to plate-spin, he could have made a really good comedy routine out of this; but he can’t, and so the audience quickly bore of his attempts to spin more than one plate. Realising he’s losing them, he draws his act to a hasty conclusion, and takes a sympathetic round of applause. The DAPAs show little sympathy, awarding him just 4 points each.

Keenan knows he’s heading for the Dare-Off! “Yeah,” he says, before Joe can even ask a question, “that was as bad as it looked!” He looks at Joe, who is about to say something, but Keenan interrupts him. “And, yeah, I’m in the Dare-Off!”

“Trixie. It’s all yours!” Joe tells her.

“No circus would be complete without the clowns!” she says. “So, here are ours: Billybang and Dillydong!”

“Seriously? Dillydong?” asks Joe, incredulously.

Dylan, or Dillydong as we must think of him for now, and Billybang both apparently own garish suits: one in yellow-and-green checks, and the other in red-and-blue checks. Unfortunately, they have got a little mixed up, and each is wearing the other’s trousers – or is it the jackets that have been swapped, who knows; whichever it is, the effect is visually horrific! When you add Dillydong’s shocking purple wig and Billybang’s tuft of red hair, it’s no wonder that our eyes feel assaulted!

The two clowns have decided to do some decorating, and set about trying to hang a strip of wallpaper. Inevitably, it insists on rolling itself up, from one end or the other, and Dillydong gets increasingly covered in paste as he attempts to keep it under control. Gradually, more and more things get stuck to him, including the bucket of paste, which gets jammed on his foot. As Billybang tries to help him get the bucket off his foot, Dillydong is catapulted into the paste-covered table, which collapses around him. The effect is completed when the wall they were trying to paper, falls down on top of him, but he escapes injury thanks to a cleverly-positioned open window which he goes through, referencing the famous Buster Keaton sketch from the days of silent movies.

The kids in the circus audience have been impressed, judging by the laughter, and the DAPAs also seem to like the clowning around, as Dan awards 8 points and Danielle 7, keeping Dylan on the show for another week.

Back in the studio, Joe takes a long, disapproving look at Dylan. It is sufficiently long for Dylan to start looking a little uneasy. Finally, Joe asks his question, which consists of just one word: “Dillydong?”

“We needed something to go with Billybang,” he explains, “and Dillydong seemed to work!”

“I’ve nothing more to say to you!” declares Joe. “Trixie!”

“Well, we’ve had a lot of fun and seen some amazing skills,” Trixie points out, “but, it’s important to remember that a lot of these acts can be dangerous. That’s something that was brought home to us yesterday!”

As Trixie continues, she switches to a voiceover, and gives a commentary of the footage that we are watching on our screens.

“Gemma is rehearsing hard, ready for her performance. With Stuey catching, she swings across and performs a neat 180 spin into his hands. However, when she goes to catch the empty trapeze, something goes wrong. She tries to grab the trapeze, and manages to get one hand on it. But that causes it to spin, and she loses her grip and falls. Quite why we don’t know, but she doesn’t fall straight down; instead she goes slightly sideways, and lands right on the very edge of the safety netting. It breaks her fall, but she is tipped over and falls onto the floor of the ring, landing on her back, as we can see.”

Worryingly, she doesn’t move!

As she lays there, a woman screams, and we hear Mairie exclaim, “Oh, no!”

“Oh my God! Gemma!” cries Lissie. She turns to me, a look of panic on her face. “Is she alright?”

“You’ve seen as much as I have!” I tell her.

“She can’t be badly hurt!” Phil declares. “If it was anything serious, they wouldn’t show it! Don’t worry, Lissie, it won’t be as bad as it looks!”

“Oh God!” Lissie says, putting her hands to her face.

People come running to Gemma’s aid as the clip ends and we return to the studio, where Joe is standing next to Trixie once more and Mairie has joined them. All three are looking very solemn.

“That looked awful,” Trixie comments, “but I understand it wasn’t as serious as it first appeared. Mairie, firstly, how is Gemma?”

“She’s okay!” Mairie reassures everyone. “As we saw, the circus medical team were on the scene really quickly, and Gemma received all the medical attention she needed from them and from the paramedics. There was some concern about her injuries, initially, so she was strapped to a stretcher as a precaution, but fortunately, like you said, it wasn’t quite as serious as that. She was taken to hospital, and kept in overnight so they could monitor her. But I’m pleased to say she was discharged this morning.”

“Well, that is good news!” declares Trixie.

“Yes, it is,” agrees Joe, “but I’ve got even better news! Geordie lasses are made of stern stuff, and she was determined to be here tonight! So, give a massive welcome for one very brave lass! Come on, everyone, she’s here for you! Gemma!”

The applause is tumultuous, as we see Gemma make her way across the stage, on crutches. When she reaches the presenters, she stops and lifts one crutch in the air to acknowledge the tremendous reception she’s been given.

“God, what’s she done?” asks Lissie, understandably still extremely concerned.

“Gemma,” Trixie says, “it’s lovely to see you here! How are you?”

“I’m fine!” Gemma says bravely, and somewhat untruthfully.

“We’ve just seen your accident,” Trixie tells her, “but, what do you remember of it?”

“It was all going okay and then I don’t know, for some reason I didn’t get hold of the trapeze properly, and I lost my grip!”

“And what were you thinking as you fell?”

“I was fine;” Gemma tells her, “I was just like, okay I’m falling, I’ve done that before, no problem! And then, I don’t know what happened! The next thing I remember, there were loads of people telling us not to worry and not to move! And when they strapped us to the stretcher, that was proper scary. I kept thinking, ‘Am I ever going to walk again?’. But they were ever so good, and they kept telling us not to worry; and they were really pleased that I could wiggle my toes, so that sort of calmed us down a bit!”

“Obviously, we can see you’re on crutches,” Joe says, “so can you tell us what the damage is?”

“They think I might have got a hairline fracture of my hip,” she reveals, “so they’ve give me these to make sure I keep my weight off my hip. But, otherwise, I’ve been really, really lucky! My back’s a bit sore, but they said that’s just bruising, so, yeah!”

“Well, it’s really good to see you, and to see you looking so cheerful!” Trixie remarks. “Thank you so much for making the effort to come and see us this evening!”

“Oh, I couldn’t just not come!” Gemma says.

“Gemma, everyone! Show her what you think of her!” Trixie encourages, and the audience respond with another ovation.

“We’ll be back with more in just a moment!” Trixie tells us, having to shout to make herself heard over the applause.

We look at each other, still in shock at what we’ve seen happen to our friend. No-one can say anything.

[alli55]

It’s Phil who breaks the silence. “Credit to her, for going on the show, like that!” he remarks. “That must have been hard!”

“At least she didn’t seem too badly hurt!” Maddie says.

“A fractured hip is pretty serious!” I point out.

“Yeah, but it might not be that!” she reminds me.

Lissie has another, more immediate, matter that is worrying her. “What’s going to happen now?” she asks.

“What d’you mean?” Maddie checks.

“Well, they never said who’s in the Dare-Off! So, what’s going to happen?”

“No idea!” her sister admits. “Dad …?”

“Why ask me? I don’t know!”

“You usually have a good idea of what’s most likely!”

“Well, let’s think about it!” he suggests. “The question is: what do they do about the fact that Gemma hasn’t got a score? I don’t know how they get around that!”

“They can’t make Gemma do the Dare-Off,” Lissie decides, “’cos that wouldn’t be fair!”

“But it’s not fair, whatever they do!” her Dad points out. “If they just chuck Keenan off, that’s not fair; if they put Matt in the Dare-Off, that’s not fair either! Like I say, I don’t see how they get out of it!”

“Maybe they just won’t eliminate anyone this week,” I opine, “and just have two leave next week instead.”

“Yeah! That’d be fair!” declares Lissie. “Well done, Mam!”

“Hello, and welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring’s Circus Special!” Trixie begins. “We’ve had thrills and spills a-plenty! In fact, too many spills, as we saw before the break! Fortunately, Gemma wasn’t as badly hurt as we feared, and, incredibly, she’s here with us tonight! So, where does all that leave us, Joe?”

“Well, Trix,” Joe takes over, standing next to the seated daredevils, “an amazing performance on the flying trapeze has given Jaz the win this week, so congratulations to her!” He pauses to allow the audience to applaud this week’s winner, who smiles broadly, and then asks her, “How does it feel to win?”

“It’s brilliant! It’s like the cherry on the top of the icing on a really nice cake!” she grins. “I’m really thrilled. It’s amazing!”

“So, one very happy winner there!” remarks Trixie. “But, we’re left with a bit of a problem when it comes to the Dare-Off! Keenan and Matt have the two lowest scores, but Gemma’s accident means that she wasn’t able to complete her dare and so hasn’t been given a score.”

“Which presented us with a difficult decision!” Joe tells us. “One that we were really struggling with!”

“However,” Trixie carries on, “as we have already seen, Gemma is one amazing young lady; and, shortly before the show started, she informed us that she would go up against whoever had the lowest score from this week’s dares, in the Live Head-To-Head Dare-Off.”

“No!” screams Lissie, clutching her head.

“So, that means, it’s Gemma against Keenan for a place in next week’s show!” Joe informs us. Turning to the star of the moment, he says, “Gemma, what made you decide to do that?”

“Well, it seemed only fair!” she replies. “I mean, I was the one that fell off, so I should have got the lowest score! So, I should be in the Dare-Off!” Waggling a crutch around, she adds, “I just hope these don’t stop me from being able to do it properly!”

“Keenan,” Joe says, “how do you feel about this?”

“I dunno,” he admits, “the whole thing, just, you know, feels wrong somehow! I can’t tell you exactly, but it doesn’t sit right!”

“Mmm, it is an odd situation!” he agrees. “Still …!”

“So, Gemma, Keenan, come and join us,” Trixie instructs, and, together with Joe, they join her in the usual spot.

“Oh, God, why’s she doing this?!” cries a very concerned Lissie.

“Okay,” Trixie says, “let’s find out what you’re about to face! Here’s the Dare Deliverer!”

Perhaps in deference to the unusual circumstances, the Dare Deliverer dispenses with her usual patronising comments, and simply announces the dare: “For tonight’s Head-To-Head Dare-Off, we’re going to play another round of my little truth game, with 5 more questions for you to answer! I dare you to be truthful! Remember, we know more than you think!”

“Thank God!” exclaims Lissie. “At least she can do it!”

Once more, Trixie is standing in front of the two circular cubicles, each with its familiar set of five unlit lights above the cutaway front section, and a seat, keypad, and monitor inside.

“Okay, Joe, bring them over,” she calls to her co-presenter. The three of them head towards Trixie, the lads walking a little more slowly to allow Gemma to keep up on her crutches.

“We’re going to show you 5 questions, each of which has two options, ‘A’ or ‘B’,” Trixie reminds the two daredevils, when they reach her. “You will have 10 seconds to choose one of the options as your answer, as truthfully as you dare!” While Keenan and Gemma take their places in the cubicles, with Joe helping Gemma sort her crutches out, Trixie continues her explanation. “We’ve badgered their known associates and trawled social media, so we know how they should answer these questions! If they get it right, the light on their panel will go green; but if we catch them fibbing, they’ll get a red light! The person with the most red lights will be the one going home tonight!”

“Alright, Gemma, ready?” asks Joe. She affirms she is, as does Keenan, when Joe asks him.

They might be, but Lissie isn’t! She’s sat upright, with her hands pressed together over her mouth and nose, looking as if she’s praying fervently!

“Okay, let’s get going!” instructs Trixie. “Can we have our first question, please?”

We see the question on our screens at the same time as it comes up on the daredevils’ monitors. ‘Which would you normally wear: (A) comfy pants or (B) sexy undies?’ The question remains along the bottom, whilst the rest of the screen splits in two, vertically. On the left-hand side, we can see how Gemma has answered, and on the right-hand side, Keenan. In this case, Keenan has chosen comfort while Gemma has gone sexy.

Lissie hardly dares breathe between Gemma pressing her button and the lights coming on!

After 10 seconds, both daredevils’ first light goes green.

“Question number 2, please!” requests Trixie.

‘Have you ever been caught ‘playing away from home’? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ Gemma hits ‘B’ immediately; Keenan pauses, before pressing ‘A’. The second lights both go green.

“Alright,” Trixie says, “can we have question number 3?”

Both Keenan and Gemma look a little shocked when they read the next question: ‘How far would you go with a member of the same sex? (A) No more than a quick kiss; (B) As far as they want me to.’ Keenan is first to answer, choosing ‘A’, but Gemma seems to be having real trouble with this one ...

Lissie frantically wills Gemma to make a decision: “Press it! Press it!” she shrieks.

… She nearly runs out of time, but hits ‘B’ just before the timer clicks to zero. Once more, both get another green light. Clearly, they have both decided that honesty is the best policy!

I’m really not sure how much more of this Lissie can take!

“Ooh!” remarks Trixie. “Okay, let’s have our next question!

‘Have you ever sent a naked selfie to someone? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ They are both fairly quick to answer, with Gemma going for ‘Yes’ and Keenan opting for ‘No’. But, almost as soon as he’s pressed his keypad, he grimaces as he seems to remember something, and he pushes his ‘A’ button repeatedly, more in frustration than hope that he can actually change his answer. After 10 seconds, Gemma’s next light goes green, but, as we expect, Keenan’s goes red. The audience groan, and Keenan knows why: he could well be on the edge of elimination.

“Yessss!” exclaims Lissie, punching the air.

“Wow, this is getting tense now,” Trixie states, …

I don’t know about ‘tense’: we’re all on tenterhooks, and poor Lissie is having kittens!

“… so, we need our final question, please!”

‘I would never have sex on the beach. Do you (A) agree or (B) disagree with that statement?’ Both of them think carefully before answering, not wanting to slip up. Keenan’s finger hovers over both buttons, before eventually pressing down on ‘A’; Gemma, meanwhile, is starting to blush, and we must assume that that means she’s about to disagree. She does, pressing ‘B’, as her blush intensifies. The final light above each cubicle turns green, meaning that Gemma has been completely honest all the way through, and that Keenan’s moment of forgetfulness has cost him his place on the show.

Lissie literally flops backwards onto the floor, unable to do or say anything, so much nervous energy has she spent!

“Thank God for that!” exclaims Maddie. “I never want to go through that again!”

Keenan seems pretty sure that he has lost, but Gemma appears to have no idea of her fate, looking questioningly at Joe, who gives her no indication whatsoever. Before they are allowed out of the cubicles, they have some more questions to answer, from the two presenters.

“Well, well, Gemma,” Joe says, smirking, “you seem to be a little flushed there!”

“Mmm-hmm!” Gemma replies, putting a hand over her mouth.

“So, how was it?”

“It was tough!” she admits. “I was just being honest, telling the truth all the time, ’cos I’ve seen how others got caught out on this dare! But, on some of them, I wasn’t sure what you might have found out about us, so I had to take a bit of a guess on a couple! So, I don’t really know how I’ve done.

“Was sex on the beach one of the ones you had to guess?”

“Yeah! That was one!” Gemma confirms. “I haven’t done it! But my last boyfriend wanted us to, and I kind of promised him I would when we went on holiday. But we had a massive row and broke up before the holiday, so it never happened. But I thought, knowing you lot, you could well have got the story out of him, so I had to own up!”

“And going further with a girl?” Joe leads her into another confession.

“Yeah, that was me and my friend, Tayla!” she explains. “We gave each other a massage, for a laugh, and we kind of got a bit carried away, and it became an all-over naked massage!” She starts blushing again. “Oh God, she’s going to kill me for telling you this!”

“Especially as we didn’t actually know about that!” laughs Joe. Gemma clamps both hands over her face, in a mixture of shock and embarrassment.

“Keenan, we saw you trying hard to change one of your answers,” Trixie reminds him. “What was that about?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m really annoyed with myself! I knew I couldn’t change my answer, it was just pure frustration! I was trying to go truth all the way, as well, but that naked selfie one, oh, I could kick myself! I haven’t done anything like that, ‘cos I’m married, and when I was dating and stuff, it was so long ago, nobody had heard of naked selfies! So, I went for ‘no’. But, then I remembered me and the missus were messing about one time and we sent each other a couple of naked pictures of ourselves! Oh, man! That’s gonna cost me! That’s got me chucked off, ennit?!

“Let’s take a look, shall we?!” she says, and invites him to come and join her. Joe helps Gemma collect her crutches, and then they join Trixie as well. Both Gemma and Keenan take the opportunity to check the lights, and their reactions say it all: Gemma breathes a huge sigh of relief, and smiles; Keenan nods his head and grimaces.

“So, as you can see,” Trixie announces, “there’s only one red light on show, and it belongs to Keenan. Which means, unfortunately, Keenan, we’re going to have to say goodbye to you, in just a moment!”

“Gemma, well done, you’re safely through!” Joe tells her. “Go and have a sit-down, and we’ll see you again next week!” As Gemma makes her way over to the rest of daredevils, applauded all the way, Trixie and Joe position themselves either side of Keenan.

“Bad luck, Keenan,” Joe says, sympathetically, “you must be disappointed!”

“Yeah, obviously!” Keenan admits. “But it’s the right result! It would have been so wrong if Gemma had had to go after what happened to her! So, it had to be me!”

“That’s very magnanimous of you!” Trixie compliments him.

“Well, it’s true! She deserves to stay!” Keenan insists. “You go on gal,” he calls across to his former opponent, “I’ll be rooting for you!”

We see a brief shot of a smiling Gemma, before we return to Trixie, who asks Keenan, “Have you enjoyed yourself with us?”

“It’s been brilliant! Obviously, I wanted to win. That’s just me: I always want to win at everything! But, I’ve had so much fun!”

“Well, just before you go, let’s have a look at some of the fun you’ve given us!” she says.

Keenan’s farewell montage begins, as we see Trixie announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, Special K is in the house!”, before Keenan walks out, wearing his former DJ outfit, looking suitably embarrassed. “Three, two, one, drink!” Aleksandra instructs, and Keenan and a black guy in a sweatshirt begin drinking a half-litre bottle of water, as quickly as they can. “Look,” Keenan tells a disinterested Shanumi, “you can’t rock up to a football game and sing Little Mix songs!” Segued together with this, we see him energetically leaping around, whilst informing us through the medium of song that “I get knocked down, but I get up again”, as he bounces up and down to make the point. We then see him, dressed as some sort of Mrs Doubtfire character, as we hear Aleksandra cry “Mummy!” and giggle, before the shot changes and he falls backwards off a unicycle. In Parliament Square, Keenan leans towards us and says, conspiratorially, “I’ve just spotted Boris Johnson over there! I’m going in for a selfie!” He approaches Boris, and after an altercation with a minder, gets his selfie. Attempting the Running Man dance, Keenan collides with Olly, who, trying to flip back upright, kicks Keenan up the bum! His plate spinning is terrible; but, then, despite looking to be in agony, Keenan raises his arms in triumph as we hear Trixie cry, “Our Chilli Champion!” Finally, outside Buckingham Palace, Keenan says, in a half-decent French accent, “back to ze studio!”

Keenan is grinning from ear to ear, when we return to the live studio shot, clearly having enjoyed reliving his memories of being on the show.

“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give him a fantastic send-off!” Trixie encourages the audience, who respond accordingly. Keenan stands for a moment, taking it all in, and then turns and walks off.

“So, we’re down to wor last 5,” Joe informs us, “and the competition’s really hotting up!”

“It is,” agrees Trixie, “so, make sure you join us next week, when our daredevils will be taking on another hare-brained dare! See you then, for more Britain’s Most Daring! Till then, goodbye!”

“Cheerio!” says Joe, as the camera begins to pan round towards the daredevils. They are all waving, and Eilidh is stood, leaning on one of Gemma’s crutches, for what reason we don’t know! As the credits start to roll, the screen fades to black, and another show heads to its conclusion.

“I need a lie down!” I tell everyone.

“It’s only going to get worse!” my husband warns me.

Oh dear!

[alli55]

As soon as Britain’s Most Daring was over, the girls were straight on their phones. Both tapped away, occasionally looking at each other and smiling and nodding. Whatever it was they were doing, there seemed to be a degree of collusion between the two of them!

The following morning, when sleepyhead Lissie finally surfaced, Maddie greeted her appearance downstairs with a question: “Have you seen what she’s put?”

Lissie’s only answer was to grab her phone and swipe her finger across it a couple of times. Maddie watched her as she studied the screen and then broke into a huge smile. I could hear the sound of voices coming from the phone, but couldn’t make out what was being said.

“Aww, that’s really nice!” Lissie commented, when whatever she was watching had finished.

“Yeah,” agreed Maddie, “it’s lovely how those two are!”

By now, my curiosity was becoming difficult to contain; fortunately, Lissie was wanting to share the whatever-it-was with anyone she could find, which happened to be me! She held her phone out towards me, and I leaned closer. There, on the screen, were Gemma and Eilidh, with one crutch each, supporting each other, and with an arm on the other’s shoulder. Their faces were partially hidden by a large play symbol. I pressed it, and the two daredevils sprung to life, performing a can-can, whilst giggling uncontrollably. After a short while, they stopped, slightly breathless, and Gemma looked straight out at the viewer. “Thanks for all your really kind messages, everyone!” she said. “I’m fine, and as you can probably tell, we both still think we can win BMD!” Alongside her, Eilidh giggled, and then yelled, “Yes we can-can!” “Love you all, and thanks once again!” said Gemma, and the image froze.

I looked up, and smiled at the girls. “That’s lovely!” I agreed. “Really lovely!”

With Maddie having only one more exam, on Thursday, we took the opportunity on Sunday to visit Granny and Grumpy, so that they could give their eldest granddaughter her birthday present from them. I had no idea what they had got her, but the look on my Mam’s face told me that she was really looking forward to giving the present and seeing Maddie’s reaction.

Rather mysteriously, before they would do anything else, they pulled the blinds and the curtains, darkening the room as much as possible, and then turned on the light. Granny handed Maddie a small, wrapped gift, as she said, “Happy Birthday, darling!” We all watched as the wrapping paper was carefully removed, revealing a jewellery box. Inside was a pendant, made of white-gold, in an intricate, symmetrical design, with a beautiful magenta gemstone in the centre.

“It’s alexandrite, Maddie!” her Granny told her. “It’s your birthstone!”

“It’s beautiful!” Maddie replied.

“Now, just you watch this!” Granny said, and nodded to her husband. He pulled the curtains and the blinds to let in the brightness of a midsummer noonday sun. “Keep watching the stone!” she instructed. As the light hit it, before our very eyes, the gemstone turned from magenta to a teal blue, reminiscent of those beautiful Caribbean seas you get in holiday brochures.

“Ahhh!” Maddie squealed with delight. “Oh, that’s amazing!”

“Wow! That’s so cool!” exclaimed Lissie.

Maddie reached out and gave her Granny a massive hug. “Thank you, so much! It’s so lovely! I’m going to treasure it for ever!” Over her shoulder, I could see tears forming in my Mam’s eyes. I looked at her, smiled, and mouthed, “Thank you! Love you!”

“It was your Grampy’s idea, mainly!” she informed us.

Maddie leapt up and gave her Grampy a loving hug too, and his face cracked into a smile that we see all too rarely.

“How much did that cost?” I asked him, when I got him alone, later on.

“Doesn’t matter!” he told me. “She’s only 18 once!”

What could I say?! He might be a miserable old so-and-so, but he’s got a heart of gold!

We stayed as long as we could, before racing home to get Lissie and Rayna to their cheerleading class. Rayna’s chore for this week would have to wait!

Needless to say, the conversation in the back of the car on the way to cheerleading centred entirely around Gemma’s fall.

“That was the scariest thing ever!” Rayna confessed. “When she didn’t move, I thought she was dead!” When she’s at home, she has to watch Britain’s Most Daring alone, so, unlike Lissie, she hadn’t had the advantage of a wise father to allay her fears. “I was literally about to cry, until they said she was alright! And when she came out on her crutches …”

“Oh my God, I was like, that’s so incredible!” Lissie interrupted.

“I know, I was so happy!” Rayna agreed.

“Have you seen her latest WhatsApp vid?” Lissie asked, brandishing her phone in readiness to show Rayna, if necessary.

“Yeah, I loved it! But, doesn’t Eilidh look weird now, with short hair?!”

“Yeah, I don’t like it! It doesn’t suit her!”

“D’you think Gemma will be able to do her dare this week?”

Glancing in the mirror, I could see Lissie looking worried. “God, I hope so!” she said. “That’d be awful if she couldn’t! She has to be able to do it, ’cos I really want her to win!”

“So do I,” Rayna confirmed, but, risking Lissie’s wrath, she added, “but I still think Dylan will!”

On Monday, we had an email from school, which I deemed important enough to interrupt Maddie’s revision to let her see.

‘Dear parent/guardian/carer. This is to let you know the latest situation regarding the Citizenship Studies exam, which your son/daughter took last Friday. We have received confirmation from AQA that there will be no assessment of the questions incorrectly included on the exam paper. Student grades will be based solely on the previously-assessed coursework, the paper 1 exam taken last Monday, and the first part of Friday’s paper 2. We hope this allays any concerns you may have had. Mr G Ingman.’

It did; both mine and, more importantly, Maddie’s.

Her final exam, Environmental Studies (paper 2), on Thursday, was, she told me, probably the one she was happiest with. As well as being the favourite of her three ‘A’ level subjects, she had managed to find questions on the two topics that she’d specifically revised most thoroughly, making her confident that she would achieve the grade she needed for her Uni place.

After all the studying and stress, revising and relentlessness of the past few weeks, now that the emotional energy it had taken to keep her going was no longer needed, she just flaked completely that evening! She fell asleep in front of the telly after tea, much to her sister’s amusement, and only awoke when I decided she would be better of sleeping in her bed, rather than slumped in the chair. She was still asleep when I left for work the following morning!

When I arrived home, she was sitting in the garden, flicking through goodness-knows-what on her phone.

“I feel really strange!” she informed me, when I joined her.

“In what way?” I asked.

“I don’t know what to do with myself! Everything I start doing, I get bored of after, like, 5 minutes! I can’t concentrate on anything, and I feel, … I don’t know, like I don’t want to do anything, … apart from lie on my bed and go to sleep! But I can’t be tired, I didn’t wake up ’til lunchtime!”

I laughed, and told her, “That’s perfectly normal, Maddie! You’ve just got a touch of ‘After the Lord Mayor’s Show’, that’s all!” She gave me a puzzled look. “Everything you’ve done over the past few weeks has been building up to your exams. Now they’re finished, it’s like the big event is over and it’s back to boring normality. It’ll soon pass! You’ve had it worse because you’ve been here on your own all day!”

Lissie, however, had had anything but a normal day at school, as we found out when she arrived home, after spending time at Luisa’s. “You’ll never believe what happened in English this afternoon!” she told us, excitedly. Without giving us time to reply, she continued, “Gemma came in, with Mairie and a cameraman, and kissed Mr Warren! Oh my God, it was so funny! We all cracked up!”

“What, she actually kissed him?” Maddie asked, hardly able to believe her ears.

“Yeah, right on his cheek!” Lissie revealed. “You should have seen the look on his face! It was priceless! And then Mairie asked him some questions, like, you know, what did you think when she kissed you, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, I wish I could have seen that!” her sister remarked.

“I expect you will tomorrow!” I pointed out.

“So, what did she do? Just kiss him?” Maddie checked.

“So, we were just sitting there, listening to Rosie reading from the book we’re doing, and then the door bursts open and Gemma comes in and says ‘Hello, Mr Warren, I’ve come to say thank-you for being such a good teacher!’, and then she walks up to him and kisses him! And the cameraman sort of follows her, filming it. And then, like I said, Mairie starts asking him questions.”

“What did Mr Warren say?”

“He didn’t know what to say to start with!” Lissie recalled. “And then he said, ‘Thank God it’s Friday!’, which made everyone laugh!”

Later that evening, when I discovered that Maddie had no plans for Saturday, I knocked on Lissie’s bedroom door, and waited to be allowed in, before asking her what her plans were.

“Me and Rayna were just going to hang out, maybe at the Leisure Centre, or the park, I don’t know!” she told me, vaguely.

“Right, seeing as Rayna didn’t do her chore last week,” I told her, “I’ve got a special one for this week! You two will be entertaining your sister tomorrow! You can text Rayna and let her know to be over here for 10 o’clock!”

“What do we have to do?”

“You know the sort of thing she’d enjoy! So, do some of that!”

“What, like here, or what?” she asked, incoherently.

“It’s supposed to be a nice day, so go out in the garden! Take a board game or two, or the cards; or why don’t you get the Super Soakers out and have a water fight?! That sort of thing!”

Lissie checked she’d heard me right. “We’re allowed to have a water fight?”

“Yes!” I confirmed. “Just give her a nice, fun day!”

Judging by the squeals and laughter coming from the garden this afternoon, Lissie and Rayna were making an excellent job of their chore! Though, God knows where they got the Silly String from, I’m sure!

[alli55]

“What the hell happened in the garden?” Phil asks, as he wanders in, ready to watch this week’s Britain’s Most Daring. Three girls snigger, and I decide to play innocent.

“Why? What d’you mean?” I ask.

“Have you seen the state of it?!”, he says to me. Hearing more giggles, he looks suspiciously in the direction of his daughters and Rayna.

“No,” I lie, “what’s up with it?”

“Well, it looks like Tony Hart’s had some sort of breakdown out there!” he remarks. “There’s loads of coloured stuff all over the lawn!”

“Really?” I reply, feigning surprise.

“Who’s Tony Hart?” asks Lissie.

“He was an artist on TV when me and your Dad were kids,” I explain, “a bit like Mister Maker!”

“Only a lot better!” Phil adds.

“What would you know about Mister Maker?” I challenge him.

“Not a lot!” he confesses. “But Tony Hart was amazing, what he could do; so no way is Mister Maker going to be that good!”

“I used to really like Mister Maker!” Lissie recalls.

“Me, too!” Rayna agrees.

“Never mind that!” my husband says, dismissively, sensing the conversation’s heading off-topic. “What about the lawn?”

Lissie snorts, as she tries, unsuccessfully, to hold a snigger in. This merely serves to confirm to her Dad that she knows more about this than she’s letting on.

“It was part of me and Rayna’s chore,” she informs him, “Mam told us to do it!”

Ooh, that was stretching the truth even further than a piece of silly string! But, under the circumstances, I decide to let it pass. “It was just a bit of fun!” I tell my husband. “I’m sure it will wash away when it rains! It’s not the end of the world!”

“Oh, I don’t mind!” he says, his face breaking into a huge grin. “Where d’you think the silly string came from?!”

“You!” I exclaim, in unison with Lissie’s accusatory “Dad!”

“I bought a load of it for Maddie’s party. It was in the shed. But I don’t suppose there’s much left now!”

“Nope!” confirms Maddie.

I can’t believe he wound me up like that!

“Good evening!” the continuity announcer’s voice says. “I haven’t got long,” he continues, slightly breathlessly, “so, next, it’s that dare thing! Oh no, gotta go!”

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” we hear Lowri warn.

The regular theme tune is back this week, and accompanies the title sequence’s usual mix of clips from the series. As the titles come to an end, the applause begins, and the screen fades to black. Once more, the words ‘Last week on Britain’s Most Daring …’ appear onscreen in white writing, alerting us to the imminent start of our visual review of the antics from seven days ago.

It’s not as frantic, this week, with some extended footage of the daredevils’ circus performances intermingled with shorter clips, beginning with the unexpected sight of Joe juggling six balls, after which Keenan falls backwards off a unicycle. Our first longer clip features Matt’s acrobalancing, where he supports Krissy as she shapes her body to resemble the three legs of the Isle of Man flag; then, laying on his back, he allows Carla to manoeuvre herself until she is fully-extended upside-down, holding Matt’s knees, as he supports her head just above his chest. After Keenan has scattered his juggling balls to the four winds, we watch Gemma on the flying trapeze; she swings and then releases, gratefully letting Stuey grab her hands, before returning to the empty trapeze and planting her feet on the platform, her face one big smile. Eilidh performs the splits, held in place by the aerial silks she has wrapped around one leg; she brings her legs back together and sets the silks spinning, as she arches her back and poses; after a scary moment, when Svetlana comes to her aid, she finishes her routine and takes the audience’s applause. We see Keenan cautiously walking along a tightrope, half-a-metre above the ground! Dillydong, Dylan’s clown alter-ego, gets in a right mess while trying to help Billybang hang wallpaper, ending up laying on a collapsed paste-covered table, as the wall falls down around him. Gemma swings across and spins 180 degrees into Stuey’s hands, but, when she attempts her return, she loses her grip on the trapeze and falls, landing right on the very edge of the safety netting, and ending up flat on her back on the floor, perfectly still, as the circus medical team rush in; Keenan’s plate-spinning also goes wrong, leaving him scratching his head and the audience wondering whether he’s for real! After watching her perform a forward somersault, as she flies from her trapeze into the waiting arms of Dmitry, we see Jaz push off once more and simply let herself off the trapeze as Dmitry grabs her by her ankles; Dasha grabs the free trapeze, and she and Jaz swap places high above the circus ring, before Dasha then joins Jaz on her trapeze and the two girls land themselves on the platform. As Gemma makes her way across the studio, on crutches, Joe, Trixie and Mairie are all smiles; when she reaches them, Gemma stops and lifts one crutch in the air, to acknowledge the applause of the audience. The screen fades to black, and a red number 6 appears; behind this we see Keenan, grinning from ear to ear, stand and look at the audience, before turning and walking off; the 6 becomes a 5, the screen fades to black, and the 5 melts away as well.

Trixie and Joe acknowledge the applause, smiling broadly; Joe points, with one hand, to Trixie, and she shrugs her shoulders in response. Her blonde hair has, this week, been separated into two bunches, which, when combined with her short black skirt and white shirt, evokes something of Britney Spears’ famous schoolgirl look in the video to her hit ‘Baby One More Time’. Needless to say, though, Trixie’s shirt is sleeveless! Joe, by contrast, is dressed normally, in his regular slightly-worn jeans and t-shirt, which is salmon-pink this week. As the applause continues, unabated, the two presenters exchange glances and Joe shakes his head, his smile becoming more of a smirk; Trixie shrugs again, apparently mystified by Joe’s extra attentions.

“Thank you, so much!” she says, when the applause finally falters. “Welcome to Britain’s Most Daring, with me, Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… And me, Joe Denecker,” he adds.

“We’ve come so far,” she comments, “and we can now count our remaining daredevils on the fingers of one hand!”

“We’ve got another dare lined up for wor famous five,” Joe continues, “and this one will really set the heart racing!”

“Ooh, you tease!” Trixie says, flirtatiously.

He turns and winks to her, saying, “Alright, kidda?”

She, in return, raises her eyebrows, and looks, knowingly, at us.

“I’ll take that as ‘yes’!” he tells her.

She shrugs once more, before continuing, “We’ll find out in a moment what the Dare Deliverer has in store for them!”

“Before that, though,” Joe says, more seriously, “if you were with us last week, you’ll have seen this happen …” As he continues, we see the footage of Gemma’s fall once more, ending with her laying, motionless, on the circus ring floor. “… Obviously, it came as a shock to all of us, and we were very concerned when we first saw this footage. But, Gemma wasn’t as badly hurt as we initially feared, and she even managed to join us on last week’s show and win the Dare-Off!”

“Yes, she did! She’s one amazing young lady!” Trixie remarks, not for the first time. “You heard, last week, that the doctors thought she may have a hairline fracture of her hip. Well, we’ve got an update for you, and we’re absolutely delighted to say that the doctors now think she has merely suffered heavy bruising; and, as you’ll see later, she’s very much been able to undertake her dare this week, so that is excellent news!”

“It certainly is,” agrees Joe, “and I know that Gemma wants to say a massive ‘thank-you’ for all the cards wishing her well and the thousands of messages of support she’s received! So, on her behalf, can I say thank you very much to each one of you; we passed all of your cards on to Gemma, and she really appreciated every single one of them!”

“Yes, thank you, everyone!” adds Trixie. “Well, after our Circus Special, last week we lost Keenan from the show,” she reminds us, “leaving just Gemma, Matt, Eilidh, Dylan and Jaz fighting it out for the title of Britain’s Most Daring.”

“But, for one of them that fight is going to be lost tonight,” Joe continues, “because there’s no let-up on this show! With so few left, it’s no good just doing your dares, you have to excel; otherwise, you’re history, because, as we all know, if you flop you’re dropped!”

“So, without further ado, let’s see what they’re going to be faced with this week!” Trixie says. “Here’s the Dare Deliverer!”

The daredevils are sat in their single row of chairs, with Gemma on one end, her crutches propped up against her and getting under Joe’s feet. Ringmaster Trixie is at the other end of the line.

“Oh my,” begins the Dare Deliverer, “all that circus stuff brought back some very happy memories! So, it’s only fair that I help to recreate some memories for you, this week! I’m sure you all remember playing in the school playground, when you were little! If it was like the school I went to, then there were plenty of times when we dared each other to do things! And do you know what our favourite dare was? I bet you do!”

“I don’t want to think about it!” remarks Joe.

“Don’t interrupt!” she tells him, sharply, before returning to her usual, sultry tone. “We used to dare each other to kiss one of the boys in our class! That gave me an idea, and, since you already know how much I like you to meet new people, well, I’m going to help you with that again! I dare you to kiss some strangers this week! … Strangers that I’ve chosen especially for you! Think of it as a kind of adult kiss-chase! Happy hunting, my little daredevils!”

Matt is grinning by the time the Dare Deliverer has finished, but most of the other daredevils are looking less-than-pleased by this week’s dare. Jaz, in particular, appears worried about her chances of remaining on the show; but even the normally optimistic Dylan seems to be a bit apprehensive.

Live in the studio, Trixie explains a little more about how the dare is going to work. “Well, you heard the Dare Deliverer say that the strangers our daredevils have to kiss have been specially chosen. In fact, there are 25 targets that they have to kiss, but they will be given those targets one at a time.”

“That’s right, Trix,” Joe continues, “each of wor daredevils has been given a dedicated phone, and, at the start of the dare, they will all be sent details of their first target. They have to kiss that person, and send proof of the kiss to wor staff here at Britain’s Most Daring HQ! As soon as that proof has been received, details of the next target will be sent.”

“Our daredevils have the chance to skip a particular target,” Trixie tells us, “but they cannot go back to that target later. It’s one point for each target successfully kissed, and there are a few bonus points on offer as well!”

“The two with the fewest points at the end will be taking part in wor Live Head-to-Head Dare-Off later in tonight’s show,” concludes Joe.

“So, having got all the admin out of the way,” Trixie remarks, “we’ll let the kissing commence when we come back after this break! Don’t go away!”

Just before the theme music takes us into the advert break, we hear Joe ask, “Trix, any chance of a kiss?” We don’t hear her answer.

“I wouldn’t want to be doing this week’s dare!” remarks Lissie.

“Me neither,” agrees Rayna, “that’d be dead embarrassing!”

“I’ll tell you what, this might be the best chance the others get to eliminate Dylan!” Phil announces, thinking about the long-term implications, as usual. “You’ve seen how embarrassed he gets when Lowri starts paying him too much attention, so this dare is going to be really hard for him!”

Lissie’s eyes light up at the prospect that the most likely overall winner could be in danger of elimination tonight. I’m not obsessed with the idea of Gemma being crowned Britain’s Most Daring like my youngest daughter is, but, even though I’d be sorry to see Dylan go, I must admit it’s quite appealing. The longer the series goes on and the closer we get to the end, the more tantalising the possibility that Gemma might actually do it is becoming!

[alli55]

“The question is, of course,” Phil states, “how good is Gemma going to be at this?”

“Well she didn’t have any problem kissing Mr Warren, apparently!” Maddie tells him.

“Oh, that was so funny!” recalls Rayna. “I can’t wait to see that again!”

“Oh, yeah, they have to show that!” agrees Lissie.

“So, what d’you reckon, Dad?” asks Maddie, who has come to regard her father as a pretty accurate predictor of how things might pan out each week.

“Well, I would expect her to be safe this week,” he answers, “because I think quite a few of the others might struggle. If I had to choose: I’d say Matt’s got the best chance with this one; Gemma should be okay; and then it’s two from the others for the Dare-Off!”

“Okay, well, we’ll see!” I tell him, though I think he’s probably got it pretty much spot-on!

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie cries.

“Before the break we saw wor daredevils find out what they were going to be up to this week,” Joe reminds us, “and they didn’t seem too thrilled!”

“Except Matt!” Trixie points out. “He seemed much too thrilled!”

Joe just grins, without commenting, and continues, “So, armed with their dedicated phones, with a direct link to BMD HQ, we sent them off in pursuit of their first kiss-chase target: someone wearing glasses. Should’ve gone to Specsavers!”

Right from the beginning of the montage, there is a counter in the top-right-hand corner of the screen. It remains there throughout, the figure changing with each different clip that is shown. To begin with, it is, naturally enough, showing 0.

Lorna’s voiceover tells us, “Concerned that she is going to find it hard to just ask random strangers for a kiss, Eilidh has come up with a strategy that she thinks will help her with the dare.”

Eilidh is sitting on a sofa, tapping away on her laptop, with Rosco at her feet. As she pauses to think, we hear Lorna ask, “So, what’s the plan?”

“Well,” Eilidh begins, “I’ve decided that I’m gonnae need an excuse for asking people for a kiss. So, I’ve come up with the idea of doing a kissing survey! I’m just thinking up a few questions and making it into an official-looking survey sheet. Then, I’ll get a clipboard, and try tae get my targets tae take part in the survey!”

“That’s quite clever!” Lorna remarks. “Do you think it will work?”

“Well, it’s got more chance than me just going up tae people and randomly asking them if I can kiss them!” …

… Which is exactly what Jaz is doing! She spots a middle-aged, spectacle-wearing man, and nervously heads towards him, beckoning Richie to follow her with the phone.

“Excuse me,” she says to the man, “this is going to sound really strange, but can I give you a kiss?”

He stops abruptly and looks her up and down. “If you want!” he replies. Now it’s her turn to look surprised, but she takes him at his word and plants a kiss on his cheek. The counter in the corner ticks over to 1.

“Thanks for being so good about it!” she says, as she pulls away.

“That’s okay! It’s not every day that a pretty young girl wants to give you a kiss, is it?!” he remarks. “Especially with her Dad taking a picture of it!”

Jaz’s eyes widen and she puts a hand over her mouth, as the thought of Richie being her father messes with her mind! …

… With her score already showing 1, Gemma is on to her next target. “D’you reckon I could get away with doing the receptionist at work?” she asks Mairie. “She’s only been there, like, a couple of weeks, so I don’t really know her! What d’you think?”

“Try it and see!” Mairie suggests.

We enter the office building where Gemma works, and are greeted by a young woman, whose expression tells us she knows trouble is brewing.

“Hi!” Gemma says, cheerfully.

“Hello,” the girl on reception replies, cautiously, “I’ve heard all about you! What are you going to try to get me doing?”

“I just want a little kiss, that’s all!” Gemma assures her.

“Hmmm,” she considers, “okay, then!” She stands up and leans over the desk. As Gemma moves in, she takes hold of the daredevil’s cheeks and guides Gemma’s lips onto her own. She gives Gemma a short, but friendly, kiss, as the counter in the corner clicks to 2.

“Oh, woah!” Gemma exclaims. “I wasn’t expecting that!”

“You said you wanted a kiss!” the girl points out, a little confused.

“I was just going to give you a peck on the cheek, like!” Gemma informs her.

“Oh!” she says, turning red with embarrassment …

… There follows a series of still shots showing Matt’s early progress. We see him kissing, in turn: a young woman wearing glasses, looking a little embarrassed; a dark-haired woman in her 30s, at the reception desk of a hotel; another young woman, wearing a student’s gown, receiving a kiss on both cheeks; a middle-aged postwoman clearly enjoying her kiss; and yet another young woman, who, it appears, Matt has interrupted stacking shelves in a supermarket in order to get his latest kiss. Each time, the counter shows one more target successfully kissed, clicking up from 0 at the start until it finishes on 5 …

… The counter returns to 0, as we see Eilidh standing in a shopping centre, armed with her clipboard, with Lorna by her side, phone at the ready. She has accosted a woman, with glasses, and has persuaded her to help with the fictitious survey.

“Question 4,” says Eilidh, “‘what makes a good kiss?’”

“Ooh, that’s hard!” remarks the woman. “I mean, you just know when a kiss is good or not, don’t you?! But how do you describe it?”

“Perhaps you could demonstrate it?” suggests Eilidh. “And then I can try tae put it intae words for the survey!” Wanting to be helpful, the woman goes along with the idea, and gives Eilidh the best kiss she can! Smack on the lips! The counter displays 1. “Mmmm, what can I put?” muses Eilidh. “Tender, …, soft, … and lingering!”

Once the woman has gone, Eilidh checks the phone. “How am I going tae know who’s a receptionist?” she asks Lorna …

… “Are you a receptionist?” Jaz asks the man behind the reception desk of the hotel. The counter in the corner continues to show 1.

“No, I’m a concierge,” he tells her, “I’m just manning the reception for a moment.”

“Oh, where’s the receptionist?” she enquires.

“She’s just fetching something, she’ll be back in a minute. Can I help?”

“No, I need the receptionist!”

“Oh, okay!” he says, with a slight shake of his head.

We leave her waiting, …

… and see a still shot of Eilidh giving a light kiss on the cheek to a slightly bemused woman standing next to a desk bearing the sign ‘Reception’, as the counter clicks to 2 …

… and then returns to 1, as we rejoin Jaz. The receptionist has now returned, so Jaz says, “I need your help with something!”

“Yes, miss?” comes the trained response.

“I’ve got to find a receptionist and give them a kiss!” Jaz explains. “And you’re a receptionist …!”

“What’s this for?” the woman asks, suspiciously.

“Have you heard of Britain’s Most Daring?” Jaz enquires.

“Oh my God! I thought I recognised you! But I wasn’t sure!” she exclaims.

“Well, it’s me!” Jaz tells her, with a grin. “So, can I have a kiss, please?”

“Yeah, of course!” She allows Jaz to give her a light kiss on the cheek; the counter now shows 2 once more. “Good luck!” she says, as Jaz and Richie exit, waiting for the next target to be revealed by BMD HQ …

… Dylan, Myfi, and Tish are wandering the streets of Swansea, carrying a large placard with the words ‘Give me a kiss for Maggie’s - £1 donated for each kiss!’ written on it. Needless to say, Lowri is with them. The counter, we see, has returned to 0.

“So, tell me about this!” Lowri says to Dylan, as they walk.

“We decided that I’d get more kisses if I did it for charity,” he explains, “so Tish came up with this idea.”

“Tish?” Lowri asks her to explain further.

“So, for everyone who gives us a kiss, or lets us kiss them, we will donate £1 to Maggie’s,” Tish enlightens her, and us, “which is, basically, a centre at Singleton Hospital, right next to the Uni, that helps people who’ve got cancer and provides support for their families.”

“This way, I can get my dare done, and we raise some money for a good cause!” Dylan remarks. “So, it’s a win-win!”

“And how’s it going?” Lowri enquires.

“We’re getting plenty of interest,” Dylan tells her, “but mostly from blokes who want a kiss from Myfi or Tish!”

“Aww, are you feeling left out?” Lowri teases. “’Cos I could always help, you know!”

“You’re not wearing glasses!” he replies, immediately.

“That can be arranged!” she tells him. She interrupts her teasing and nudges him with her elbow. “Over there!” she says, pointing across the road. “Nice young lady, wearing glasses! Go on!”

Dylan grabs the placard and heads across the road. We see him stop the woman in question, talk to her for a moment, then take her hand and kiss it! Lowri leans in to the shot, in close-up, and gives us a thumbs-up. The counter now shows 1 …

… Back with Jaz, the counter shows 2, but immediately ticks over to 3 as she kisses a very young-looking lad with floppy dark hair.

“That’s a student done!” she tells Richie. “What’s next?”

“Hold on, it’s just coming through!” he replies. “Ah, let’s see, … a postman or postwoman.”

Jaz thinks about it for a moment, then says, “That’s going to be too hard! Press skip!”

“Sure?” he checks.

“Yeah, sure!” There’s a short pause, before she asks, “Well?”

“Give it a chance!” he tells her. After another brief pause, he looks up and says, “You’ll like this one: a shop worker at work!” The grin on her face indicates she does like it.

It’s not her grinning, though, when the young shelf-stacker she asks for a kiss nods, roughly grabs her face, pulls her to him, and attempts to french-kiss the life out of her! The counter may have ticked another one off, showing 4 now, but Jaz is not remotely pleased! She pushes him away and gives him a mouthful of her own, most of which is bleeped out!

“That’s it! I’m not doing anymore! Not with creeps like that about!” she tells Richie. She turns and walks off. “Bye!” we hear her say as she goes …

… Matt, with his counter still showing 5, is at an indoor swimming pool, but he hasn’t seen what he’s looking for. “This is no good,” he announces, “all the lifeguards are blokes!” He goes back out to the entrance hall and finds a member of staff. “Have you got any female lifeguards?” he asks.

“I don’t know! Why?”

Thinking on his feet, he replies, “One of my friends said she works here, as a lifeguard, and I wondered if she’s on duty.”

“What’s her name, and I can go and ask the manager if she’s in,” the man offers.

“Tell you what,” Matt says, backing out, “it doesn’t matter! I’ll catch up with her later!” He beats a retreat, leaving us to follow him; we join him on the pavement outside. “Scratch that one!” he instructs, pressing ‘skip’ on the phone. “Let’s see what the next one is!” …

… The counter remains on 5, and we’re at another swimming pool, as Eilidh goes in search of her lifeguard. She finds him, sat on a ladder, looking bored, as he watches over the handful of people in the pool. Little does he know just how much she’s about to liven up his day! She engages him in conversation and we see him break into a smile. He leans down so that his face is in reach, and she gives him a kiss on his nearest cheek, making sure we can see. The counter ticks to 6; just for good measure, she gives him another kiss on his other cheek, before turning to leave, giving him a little wave as she goes.

“Well, they’re certainly getting into it!” remarks Trixie, as we return to the studio.

“I think there are some proper happy chappies after all that!” says Joe, grinning. “Especially Matt!”

“Ah, yes, Matt! That’s Matt, who apparently won’t kiss the boys!” Trixie replies. “But just look at who, or should I say what, he will kiss!”

A short clip follows, in which Matt, having kissed a woman walking a pug, bends down and lets the dog nuzzle up to his face!

“That, apparently, is a more kissable face than yours!” Trixie says to Joe.

“I know a couple of ex’s who’d probably agree!” he quips. “But enough of that! Let’s see how wor daredevils are doing, score-wise!”

“So, at this stage,” Trixie reveals, “Matt’s in the lead with 8, Dylan and Eilidh have 6, Jaz is on 4, and Gemma is last, with 3 so far.”

“But all that can change,” Joe assures us, “and almost certainly will!”

“So, join us for more kiss-and-tell after the break!” instructs Trixie. “We’ll be back, after this!”

As we head for the break, we hear Joe try again. “So, where’s my kiss, then?” he asks. Once more, the theme music drowns out Trixie’s response.

“How come Gemma’s doing so badly?” asks a concerned Lissie. Not for the first time while watching Britain’s Most Daring, I have to point out that she’s seen just as much as I have! She turns her attention to her father: “Dad, you said she’d be alright!”

“Yeah!” he confirms. “Do you not trust your old Dad, then?”

She doesn’t reply, apparently not sure whether she does or not!

[alli55]

The tension in our living room, particularly on the floor of the room, has increased dramatically following Trixie’s revelation of the surprisingly poor start Gemma has made to this week’s dare.

None of us says very much during the ad-break, each lost in our own thoughts. Even the normally chatty Lissie has fallen quiet, fearful that this week’s show is not going how it should be.

“Hello, and welcome back to the madhouse!” Trixie says, grinning.

“It’s the Britain’s Most Daring Kiss-Chase tonight,” Joe continues, “and we’ve already seen Matt terrorising the lasses of Bolton, and some of wor girls getting more than they bargained for!”

“Jaz certainly did, and she seemed pretty determined not to carry on with her kiss-chase,” Trixie recalls, “so, could Richie persuade her to keep going? Let’s find out!”

With the start of the next sequence of clips, the counter returns to the top-right-hand corner of the screen, showing Jaz’s score of 4.

Richie and Jaz are in the park, where we have seen them a number of times before. This time they are slowly spinning on the roundabout, propelled by Richie’s foot.

“So, how are you feeling today?” he asks Jaz. It almost feels like we’re watching a concerned father trying to help his daughter tackle her problems.

“I don’t know!” she confesses. “What happened yesterday, … it was, like, woah, I could be putting myself in trouble here, you know?!”

“Don’t forget, you’ve got me and the cameraman with you,” he points out. “Just let us know if you want one of us to step in, you know, if things get out of hand! You only have to say!”

“Yeah? That’d be really helpful!”

“So, are we back on?”

“Yeah, okay! What’s the next one?”

“Lifeguard!”

“No, not doing that one,” she replies, without hesitating, “too difficult! Skip!”

“Someone with an animal!” Richie reveals, after a short pause, “bonus point for kissing the animal as well!”

“I don’t know …”

“Don’t forget, we’re right there with you; you only have to shout!”

“Okay!” she says. “But I’m not sure about kissing the animal! It depends what it is!” …

… The counter changes to 6 when we see Eilidh approach a middle-aged man walking his black Labrador, brandishing her clipboard once more. As they chat, and Eilidh scribbles a few notes on her survey sheet, another dog walker passes, and the black Lab greets the other dog in that unique way that dogs do! Eilidh gets her kiss from the man, but, aware of where the dog’s nose has recently been, passes up the opportunity of a bonus point! The counter, therefore, ticks up one more, to 7 …

… Jaz, too, declines a chance to kiss the dog she’s faced with, which given the ugliness of its face, is understandable, especially since it appears to be slobbering! She does, however, give the mastiff’s owner, a middle-aged woman, a kiss on the cheek, which sees the counter change from 4 to 5.

“There’s no way I was kissing that!” she asserts, as she waits for BMD HQ’s next text …

… Gemma, possibly aware of the fact that she’s struggling, as evidenced by the counter showing just 3, has recruited Cherise to help; and her friend has come up with an idea that could, potentially, be genius!

“Go for the sympathy vote!” she instructs. “Take your crutches, and make out you’re having trouble with them, and when people help, give them a thank-you kiss!”

“But, I’ve got to get certain people!” Gemma points out.

“Well, with a bit of planning, that shouldn’t be a problem!” Cherise declares. “Who’s first?”

“A postman or postwoman,” Gemma informs her.

“Easy! Come on!”

Walking along the pavement of a normal residential street, the two girls, with Gemma on her crutches, spot a postman further along the road.

“Okay, you know what to do,” Cherise tells Gemma, “so go and do it!”

As Cherise ducks behind a parked car, Gemma heads towards the postman. Suddenly she appears to get one crutch caught in something, and she tumbles to the ground, with a shriek. The postman looks up, sees her lying there, and comes across to help. He gently lifts her back up, and supports her until she can get her crutches back how they should go. She looks at him, smiles, says something, and then gives him a peck on the cheek. The counter ticks over to 4. He pats her shoulder, smiles, and carries on with his round, glancing back to check she’s moving alright. Once he’s disappeared around the corner, Cherise scurries across to join her friend, both of them grinning broadly.

“I told you it would work!” Cherise points out. “Right, let’s crack on! What’s next?”

“A shop worker at work.”

As we watch, a grin spreads across Cherise’s face that can only be described as bordering on evil. “Does that mean any shop?” she checks.

“Yeah, I would think so!” Gemma confirms. “Why?”

“I’ve had a wicked idea!” Cherise informs her. “Oh, Gemma, you have to do this! It’ll be awesome!” …

… Matt’s counter has reached 9, as we join him in the Outpatients Department of the Royal Bolton Hospital. He is chatting to a young female nurse, of course! For her part, she is shaking her head a lot! It seems Matt’s powers of persuasion are not working this time! She walks away, and Matt comes over to us.

“She won’t let me kiss her,” he confirms, “but she’s got a colleague who she says will.”

The nurse returns, bringing another nurse with her, who looks to be Filipina or Thai. This second nurse sees Matt and exclaims, “Oh! Most Daring! It’s fun! Good!”

“Can I give you a quick kiss?” Matt asks her.

“Kiss? Yes! Good, good! You kiss!” she tells him, putting a finger against her cheek, to show him where she wants to be kissed. He bends down slightly and plants a kiss where it’s required, which makes her giggle, girlishly. The counter reaches double figures for the first time, …

… but immediately changes back to 4 when we return to Gemma and Cherise. They are now inside a shop that, from what we can see around them, sells beds. The two girls pretend to be looking at one bed in particular, and, inevitably, one of the sales staff quickly approaches them.

“Can I help?” he enquires.

“Yeah, probably,” Gemma tells him, making Cherise smirk. “I like the look of this one, but I’d like to see what it feels like! Can I do that?”

“Certainly,” he replies, “you can sit, or have a lie on it, if you like!”

She indicates her crutches. “I’d like to have a lie on it, but I might have a bit of trouble getting back up!”

“I’m sure we can help!” he says, looking at Cherise for confirmation. She nods her head.

As Cherise takes the crutches, Gemma eases herself onto the bed, and makes a play of wriggling around, as if trying to get a feel for the bed’s comfort. She then attempts to get up, but clearly requires assistance. He leans over to help, and, seeing her opportunity, Cherise manages, somehow, to swing round with the crutch and knock it into his back, causing him to fall forward onto the bed right next to Gemma!

They all begin apologising, and when, eventually, he manages to get Gemma sitting upright on the edge of the bed, the young daredevil gives him a thank-you kiss on the cheek. He looks a little embarrassed, but is too polite to say anything, and we leave them sat there, as the counter clicks to 5.

In the studio, Joe exclaims, “Classic! Absolute classic! Give those girls a comedy gold medal!”

“Now,” Trixie says, moving on, “one of the targets our daredevils were given involved kissing someone whilst travelling at the highest speed they could, with a bonus point available for the person who went fastest!”

“Well, we had a clear winner,” Joe inform us, “because there’s no bus yet invented that travels at 120 miles an hour!”

“No, indeed!” agrees Trixie. “But someone took the train! Let’s find out who!”

Inside a busy train carriage, we quickly spot the distinctive red hair that tells us it’s Dylan who’s got the bonus point in question. He is sitting in one of those groups of four seats with a table in the middle, opposite Lowri, and, more significantly, next to a young blonde. As Lowri steadies the phone in her hand, Dylan takes the girl’s hand and gives her one of his chivalrous kisses.

“You can do better than that!” Lowri tells him. “At least kiss her face!”

A little reluctantly, Dylan obeys, and gives his fellow traveller a light kiss on the cheek. They both blush slightly, and she buries her head on his shoulder.

“Aww, bless!” says Lowri, as we see the counter change from 6 to 8 …

… Gemma’s high-speed attempt isn’t so impressive, taking place, as it does, on the lower deck of a double-decker bus! The counter, though, is on 8, revealing that Gemma has been busy since her antics in the bed shop. With Cherise sat behind her, she plops herself down next to a dreadlocked man and, in a move that may well have been deliberate, manages to clout his leg with one of her crutches. She says sorry, and he tells her not to worry; but, when she turns to listen to Cherise tell her something, she somehow digs him in the ribs with her elbow. Again, she apologises, and again, he brushes it off. When her crutch then slips across and bangs him on the knee, he gives her a look that says he’s starting to get irritated. She looks at him, says sorry yet again, and gives him a light kiss on his cheek, by way of apology, taking the wind out of his sails completely. The counter changes to 9, as she checks her phone for the next assignment.

When she gets confirmation of her next target, she shows Cherise, and nods towards an old man sitting two rows back on the other side of the bus. She wanders across and repeats her shenanigans with the crutches, as the old man stoically tries to ignore her. Eventually she senses a reaction is imminent, and apologising profusely, she gives him a kiss too, as the counter moves again to 10 …

… Back on the train, Dylan has found his pensioner. In fact, he’s found a trio of excitable older ladies, all of whom are happy to receive a kiss from this flame-haired young man. Not so much a bogof deal, as a gogat: get one, get another two! The counter ticks from 8 to 9, as Dylan attempts to extricate himself from the attentions of the ladies! Eventually finding his way back to Lowri, he sits back down next to the blonde girl, who is taking a keen interest in what they’re doing.

“A nurse in a hospital,” Dylan informs Lowri, handing her the phone. “Can’t do that on here! Skip!” he instructs.

When the next message arrives, Lowri smirks and says, “A married couple, both him and her.” The young blonde looks at Dylan, wondering if he’s going to be up for this one. Disappointingly, he isn’t.

“No,” he tells Lowri, “not doing that. Skip!”

“You’re not doing yourself any favours!” she warns, as she presses the skip icon.

“How many do you have to do?” the girl asks him.

“As many as I can by Friday,” he tells her.

“Okay, this’ll be good!” Lowri announces. “A group of friends, as many as possible; bonus point for the one who gets the most.”

“Alright, let’s do that one!”

“I think I can help!” the girl says. “I moved from where I had a reserved seat, because just behind me was a really noisy hen party. There were about 10 or 12 of them, and I bet they’d all be up for a kiss!

“Right,” says Lowri, getting up, “come on, Dylan, let’s get you some action!”

The hen party are very willing to each have a kiss from Dylan; in fact, maybe ‘enthusiastic’ would be a better description, or ‘eager’, or, if you were being a little cynical, ‘desperate’! We watch Dylan being passed around the group like a piece of meat, as each of the hens gets her kiss. The first one is a kiss on the cheek, but Dylan can’t get away with that again: the others want lips-to-lips, and as things progress, the kisses turn more and more to snogs. By the time he reaches the bride-to-be, she is ready for as much action as she can get! Encouraged by the other girls, she pulls Dylan’s face to hers and dives in! When he emerges, Dylan is blushing redder than his hair, and there’s a look of fear in his eyes! The counter rings up another point, now showing 10. Lowri is busy high-fiving the hens!

“Wow, Dylan really had to work for his point there!” Trixie exclaims, struggling to hold back a snigger.

“Rather him than me!” declares Joe. “They looked proper feral!”

Trixie has to give in to her snigger, before continuing, “Well, Joe, let’s see how all that has affected the scores!”

“Okay,” he replies, “it’s still Matt out in front with 12, then comes Gemma on 11, Dylan and Eilidh on 10, and last now is Jaz with 9.”

“So, it’s getting really tight,” Trixie summarises, “with nothing much between any of them!”

“And there’s still plenty of time for things to change,” Joe points out. “Just look how Gemma’s come racing up from last to second!”

“So, make sure you join us as the kissing continues,” Trixie tells us, “when we come back after this next break. See you then for more Britain’s Most Daring Kiss-Chase action!”

“I’m still waiting, you know!” we hear Joe tell Trixie, before the theme music prevents us from finding out if she’s replying or not.

Gemma’s improved performance, and her resulting surge up the leader-board, has settled a few nerves in our living room.

“See, that just goes to show how much of a difference Cherise makes!” Phil points out.

There’s a moment’s quiet, as we all silently acknowledge that fact. As usual, it’s Lissie who speaks first, asking another of her regular impossible-to-answer questions!

“When are they going to show her kissing Mr Warren?”

“They may not show it at all!” I warn her.

“What?! Why not?”

“Well, we’re obviously not seeing them kiss everyone, are we?!”

“How do you know that?”

“Look at the scores! Matt’s got, what was it, 12, 13?”

“12!” Maddie confirms.

“12,” I repeat, continuing, “but we haven’t seen him kiss 12 people, have we?! And, we haven’t seen Gemma kiss a lifeguard, but she must have! In fact, I don’t even remember seeing her do the first one, you know, someone with glasses!”

“No, we didn’t!” confirms Maddie again.

“Well, there you are!” I conclude. “You may well not see her kiss Mr Warren!”

“We’d better!” Lissie declares.

[alli55]

Maddie’s phone warbles, prompting her to check to see what’s just arrived. “Oh-hh,” she exclaims, the disappointment in her voice clear for us all to hear, “that’s a shame!”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Stacie’s just had a text from Cherise,” she explains, “and Cherise says that they’ve missed out the one when Gemma kissed Zoe’s sister’s guinea-pig on its nose! I’d have liked to have seen that!”

I resist the temptation of an ‘I told you so’ remark aimed in Lissie’s direction, instead leaving her to draw her own conclusion about the possibility of not seeing her English teacher getting his kiss from Gemma.

“That means she must have kissed Zoe’s sister, as well!” Rayna deduces. “Do we know her?” she asks Lissie.

“I don’t know! Maddie, what’s her name?”

“I don’t know! She doesn’t live with Zoe; she lives with her Mam. She’s got the same Dad as Zoe, but a different Mam.”

Ah, the complexities of modern families!

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring’s Kiss-Chase!” cries Trixie.

“Wor daredevils are busy sexually harassing the Great British public,” grins Joe, “and it won’t surprise you to learn that Matt’s doing it best!”

“So, let’s head back to Bolton, and see who his latest victim is!” suggests Trixie.

The counter resumes its position in the corner of the screen, showing 12. Unsurprisingly, Matt has found himself another young woman to kiss … only this one is wearing a dog collar!

“So, what’s the idea of this kiss, then?” the young vicar asks Matt.

“It’s like a challenge thing, to get a kiss from a certain person,” he tells her. “A bit like when you used to play kiss-chase at school!”

An inappropriately mischievous look sweeps across her face, and she glances at Matt and smiles. “Oh, well,” she says, “if it’s kiss-chase …!” She dashes across the grass and puts a park bench between her and Matt. “Come and get me!” she calls to him.

As the distinctive strains of ‘Yakety Sax’ begin, better known to millions as the music that accompanied the chase scenes on The Benny Hill Show, we watch speeded-up footage of Matt and his young vicar playing kiss-chase! After circling the bench, she runs across to the children’s playground, where she uses the play equipment to keep Matt at a safe distance, before climbing up the steps of the slide. She stands at the top, taunting him, and, predictably, as soon as he is halfway up, she slides herself down and makes her escape. She runs across the grass, from left to right across our screen, with Matt in pursuit; the camera doesn’t move, and very soon she runs back across in the other direction, still followed by Matt; again, the camera stays where it is, and the two of them re-appear, from left to right again, only this time the vicar is chasing Matt! Finally, as the music fades out, we see the two of them, sitting on the park bench, breathing heavily. She holds her hand out, and Matt takes it in his hand and kisses it. Satisfied by his good manners, she allows him to give her a kiss on the cheek as well. The counter clicks over to 13 …

… With the counter showing 10, we are back in the shopping centre, with Eilidh and her survey. She has stopped a middle-aged couple, and is, once more, writing on her sheet.

“What makes a good kiss?” she asks them, reading from the sheet on her clipboard. “You can either describe it, or, if you prefer, you can demonstrate it,” she adds.

They look at each other, and then, without needing to say anything, they lean in and share a tender, loving kiss.

“Will that do?” he asks Eilidh, when they have finished.

“Could you demonstrate on me? Then I’d be able tae describe it! If you dinnae mind!” she ventures.

Again, they look at each other. The woman nods to her husband, and he gives Eilidh a kiss. It’s not quite the same as their shared kiss, but it satisfies Eilidh! She looks questioningly at the woman, who points to herself and raises her eyebrows. When Eilidh nods, the woman moves closer and kisses her on the lips, lingering just long enough to make sure it’s good enough for the survey. The counter goes from 10 to 11, and Eilidh thanks the couple for their help.

“They were the ninth couple I asked!” Eilidh reveals, once they’ve gone. “None of the others would let me kiss them!” …

… Dylan is in his swimming trunks, standing at the edge of the local indoor pool. Judging by the paleness of his skin, there are parts of his body on display that don’t see daylight very often! “How are we doing this?” he asks.

The camera pans through 180 degrees, to show Lowri, wearing a skimpy red bikini, brandishing a phone and a large glass jar.

“I’ll start it on video,” she tells him, “put the phone in here and seal it tight. Then we can film underwater!”

We pan back round to Dylan, and see that he has been joined by a young woman in a much more demure dark-blue swimming costume.

“Okay, ready!” announces Lowri, and all three of them jump into the pool. Through the rippling surface, we can just about make out Dylan kissing the woman on the cheek, as Lowri bobs around underwater holding the jar in front of her. In the corner of the screen the number 10 changes to 11. The three resurface and swim to the edge of the pool. Resting her arms on the edge, Lowri takes the phone from the jar and checks the footage. Satisfied, she sends it to BMD HQ, giving Dylan a thumbs-up …

… “So, explain it to me again,” Richie tells Jaz, “you won’t kiss a vicar, but you’re happy to come to a building site and kiss a brickie!”

“Kissing a vicar is just wrong!” Jaz declares. “But a builder, that’s different!” She kisses a burly bloke wearing a hard-hat, who looks extremely pleased with himself, and the counter in the corner ticks over from 9 to 10 …

… and then changes to 13. Fresh from his exertions chasing the vicar, Matt looks at his phone screen and shakes his head. “No way!” he exclaims. “A builder on a building site? Not a chance! I’m skipping that!” …

… A series of still shots flash up on the screen, as Gemma is seen kissing, in turn: four young lads, who we assume are the group of friends that she needs to kiss; a taxi driver, giving us a thumbs-up whilst she kisses him on the cheek; a slightly-embarrassed, middle-aged, bespectacled, male vicar; and a shirtless builder, who is standing with her on the lowest level of some scaffolding. All the while the counter is increasing; having started at 11, it reaches 15 by the end of the montage …

… We’re back with Matt, whose hair appears wet, suggesting he’s probably claimed his underwater kiss, which the counter confirms, showing 14 now. He’s returned to the Royal Bolton Hospital, but the nurses are safe, … it’s a doctor he’s after this time! Obviously, being Matt, it’s got to be a female doctor, preferably young! He spots a likely-looking candidate, a youngish olive-skinned woman in a white coat, with a stethoscope hung around her neck. “Excuse me,” he says to her, “can I ask a cheeky favour?” She comes over, and he explains what he’s wanting her to do.

“Were you here yesterday?” she asks him.

“Yes,” he admits, “and the nurses were really helpful!”

“So I heard!” she remarks.

“Well, are the doctors just as helpful?” he tries.

“We always try to do what we can!” she teases.

He is unsure whether or not this is her way of telling him that he can kiss her. She notices his discomfort and giggles, amused at having turned the tables on him.

“Go on then!” she encourages him, and he leans in and kisses her cheek, as the counter changes to 15 and she puts her hand on his lower arm. “Now,” she tells him, grinning, “I prescribe lots of fresh air, and maybe a cold shower! So, get on with you!” …

… At our next hospital appointment, the counter has dropped to 10, as a middle-aged male doctor listens, wonderingly, to Jaz. He scratches his head, looks her up and down, smiles, and nods his head, assenting to her request. The counter changes to 11 when she presses her lips to his cheek, standing on tiptoe to reach …

… Yet another doctor, a middle-aged woman this time, is with Dylan and Lowri.

“He hurt himself when he fell over just now,” Lowri tells the disbelieving medic. “So, maybe you could kiss it better?!”

“Seriously?!” she asks.

“That’s what my Mum always told me!”

The doctor shakes her head, but says, “Maybe you should kiss it better, then!”

Lowri’s eyes light up with that all-too-familiar look of mischief! “Where does it hurt you?” she asks Dylan. “You landed on your bum, I seem to remember!”

“Definitely not there!” he declares, in answer to her question. Ignoring her protests, he turns to the doctor, showing her an image on his phone. “Can I just get a quick kiss, for Maggie’s?” he asks. “See, that’s what we’re doing to raise some money!”

“Oh, well, in that case, yes, go ahead!” she tells him, and, after he’s done the deed, she adds, “Now, can you take your mad friend away with you, please?!” Dylan grabs Lowri and they head out of shot, with the counter having changed from 12 to 13, …

… on which it remains, as we return to Eilidh’s kissing survey. The latest respondent is a bald-headed member of the clergy, so goodness knows what he’s going to make of the last question!

Eilidh appears to have realised the problem, and, thinking on her feet, changes the final question. “If it’s okay, I’m gonnae kiss you on the cheek, and I’d like you tae describe how you think that kiss feels,” she says, before checking, “is that alright?”

“Um, yes, okay!” he decides. She gives him a kiss, steps back and waits for his description. The counter, meanwhile, changes to 14. “Gentle!” he says, after a bit of thought. “Is that okay?”

“That’s great! Thank you!” …

… Somehow, Lowri and Dylan have been allowed into a secondary school, though it appears they’ve arrived after all the schoolkids have gone home. The teachers, however, are gathered for a staff meeting. As Lowri and Dylan enter the room, everyone looks up to see who’s managed to be late for the meeting. Most of the staff look understandably puzzled, but a couple seem to recognise the intruders and begin to grin in anticipation of the potential mayhem about to be unleashed.

“We’re looking for the sexiest members of staff!” announces Lowri, in her usual subtle manner. “The hunkiest guy and the dishiest gal! You can take a vote if you want!”

They quickly nominate Danny, the P.E. teacher, as the hunkiest guy, but are undecided which female member of staff to select.

Lowri’s getting bored, so interrupts their choosing. “How about you!” she says, pointing to a pretty brunette. “What’s your name?”

“Lyn!” the woman replies.

“Right, Lyn, it’s you!” Lowri informs her. “Okay, Danny, Lyn, stand up!” They obey, Danny showing a lot more enthusiasm and confidence than Lyn. “I assume you’ve heard of the Ice Bucket Challenge!” she continues. They are now both looking alarmed, but Lowri assures them, “Well, this is much nicer than that!” With that, she pushes Dylan towards Lyn, and then heads over to Danny. She gives him a peck on the cheek, and turns to watch Dylan do likewise to Lyn; satisfied that he’s got his point, she then plants her lips on Danny’s and gives him a proper kiss, to the sound of much laughter and cheering from the other teachers! The counter ticks over from 14 to 15, as Lowri pulls away, looks into the camera, and says, “Lovely!” …

… Matt, whose counter is on 17, has found no fewer than seven young women, all dressed in identical royal-blue mid-thigh-length dresses! “Meet the Rivington netball team!” he tells us. The girls give a cheer, before Matt continues, “They’re a great bunch of gals, and they’re going to help me with my dare, aren’t you?!” They whoop and cheer once more. Matt goes along the team line-up, giving each member a kiss on the cheek, and the counter changes to 18. One resourceful lass, we notice, runs from one end of the line to the other, in order to get a second kiss! “Thanks, girls!” Matt says, now standing in the middle of a tightly-packed group, who are all smiling broadly and waving to the camera.

“You canna keep that man down, can you?!” observes Joe, with a wry smile.

“Mmm, he’s nearly as bad as Lowri!” Trixie remarks.

“And I take it he’s still in the lead?” Joe asks his co-presenter.

“Yes, he is,” she confirms. “Matt has 18 points, Dylan and Gemma have 15, Eilidh’s on 14, and Jaz is still last with 12 points.”

“So, it’s looking good for Matt and bad for Jaz,” Joe reflects, “but it’s still really tight for the other Dare-Off spot!”

“Yes, it’s all to play for when we take a look at the last set of targets for our kiss-chasers,” Trixie agrees. “So, make sure you join us for more kissing capers on Britain’s Most Daring! Don’t go away! We’ll be back, after this!”

“So, am I not getting this kiss, then?” we hear Joe ask, before the theme music takes us into the break.

“What was the last one we saw Gemma do?” Lissie asks.

“Um, vicar? Builder?” I offer. “One of those, wasn’t it?”

“Builder!” Maddie says.

“Is that before or after the teacher one?” Lissie checks.

“Don’t know,” her Dad tells her, “but we haven’t seen Dylan do the builder one! So, maybe after?”

“Builder comes before teacher!” Maddie states. “Jaz did the builder before she did the doctor, and Dylan did the doctor before he did the teacher. So, the builder must be before the teacher!”

“How the hell do you remember all that?” Phil asks her.

“I’ve spent the last two months training my brain to remember everything it sees!” she points out. “I can’t just switch it off!”

[Curtis]

Well, I'm back. I've been most distracted recently, and the only reason I'm back tonight is that I'm putting off doing something else. So, with no further ado, on to week six.

“At any point, you can have a drink of water,” Lowri tells them, “but as soon as you so much as take a sip, you will be deemed to be out of the Chilli Challenge, and however many points you’ve got will be your final total.” — Water is one of the worst things you can drink after peppers. Milk coats your tongue and somewhat cancels the hotness — like a base helping to negate an acid.

"…but it is Dylan who throws in the towel in this round. He shakes his head, puts the chilli onto the table, and then pummels the life out of it with his fist." — great image!

"Eilidh is now halfway through her chilli and pulling faces that any self-respecting gurning champion would be proud of!" — So, we’re off to look up ‘gurning’… From Wikipedia, “A gurn or chuck, in British English, is a distorted facial expression and a verb to describe the action. The American English equivalent is making a face.” Oh. What a let-down.

“Oh, what are you, suddenly,” he challenges her, “chairman of the Pedantic Society?”

“It’s the Association of Pedants, actually!” she replies. — She came back with that so quickly! I assume that's a known joke over there; we've heard it a time or two over here, but I couldn't come back with it that fast.

The ‘oxeye daisy’ is just called the daisy around here.

Around here we stew our nettles before eating them, but I can’t swear they’re the same type as you have there. I saw some of what were called ‘stinging nettles’ in a German S&M film from 30+ years ago, and they definitely were not the same as ours. Stewing causes the hairlike spines to drop off and collect at the bottom of the pot.

I’m with Shanumi on eating disgusting things, though my definition of ‘disgusting’ differs from hers. I’d’ve eaten any of the fried things, even though I don’t like most fried food, because they were battered. I probably would’ve scored zero on the nature portion, though I may have let peer pressure force me through the plants for five. On the chilis I would’ve been off with Gemma commiserating… and I eat the spiciest foods in our family. So, at best I’d’ve bumped Shanumi off with a 16, and at worst embarrassed myself with an 11.

I’d’ve gone for the lamb testicles, which was close to what I was expecting. The biggest difficulty would be the consistency, which I’m told is rubbery. Upon further consideration, the best bet would be to swallow them whole, which I’m oddly suited for. (I was expecting bull’s testicles, which I could NOT have swallowed whole.) I probably could’ve eaten the frog’s legs, but no guarantee.

This was a very good episode, and one I could relate to.

[Curtis]

And on to week seven. When I read what the dare would be, I expected this to be one of the weakest episodes, and so it turned out to be. There just isn't much of anywhere you can go with that, unless you're on paid-per-view cable, where you can strictly limit your audience.

"Mia, we observe, has a trilby hat on…" — So, we’re off to find ‘triby hat’ on Wikipedia, and… it turns out to be just ‘a hat’. Huh.

I think this week’s dare would’ve been better as the first (or more likely second) week’s dare. There really wasn’t much going on, so having more participants would’ve increased the chances of errors like Tommy’s or miscalculations like Keenan's at the beginning. Doing it the first week might’ve been a bit much and gotten the censors down on them too early, besides setting up unmeetable expectations for the rest of the show’s run.

I had completely forgotten about the DAPA’s! I was planning to show up in coveralls, so I probably would’ve been relegated… again.

I’m really enjoying the ‘Truth’ questions. I hope we get back to those again before the end.

“I know it’s hard, but just try to ignore it, and I promise it will go away and all be forgotten before you know it.” — This is what in America is known as a ‘nine days’ wonder’, which is a little amusing as the expression should be in more use on your side of the pond. It was known over there earlier than 1325, but we claim it’s based on the nine day faux reign of Lady Jane Grey in 1554.

“Now,” I told the pair of them, when Lissie had perked up a bit, “go and find a video of a cat doing something stupid to cheer yourselves up!” — That’s good Mom advice.

[Curtis]

And on to week eight.

"They begin with a shot of a spinning disco ball, to the sound of the familiar theme tune. The usual mixture of images from the series so far, including some new ones from last week’s show, follow; but, each image emerges from the disco ball, as if thrown out by the spinning motion of the ball, whistles across the screen, and then is replaced by the next image." — You’re so inventive! I could never come up with these little bits. I noticed when you had Trixie start her intro too early a couple of episodes ago, but didn’t think to comment on it at the time. This is reminiscent of one of the openings for "Guiding Light" back in the day. ("Guiding Light was the longest-running soap opera in history, running from 1937 on radio until 2009 on television — 18,262 episodes.)

“It’s strictly not Strictly,” she points out, “so, we’re not doing all the glitzy, sparkly, dress-up stuff!” — No idea what this is about, so we’re off to Wikipedia, and… crickets. No idea. The closest I can come is Kanye West saying something unintelligible about fashion. Could you please elucidate?

“She demonstrates each one in turn, and the girls copy her: ‘touchdown’ has them raise their arms straight up above their head.” — How can ‘touchdown’ be a basic move in Britain, where no touchdowns are scored?

I’d be better at the cheerleading than at the street dancing. I did learn quite a bit about the dance moves; I’d heard the terms ‘pop’ and ‘lock’ for decades, but really had no idea what they looked like before now. I already had a good idea of the ‘body wave’.

I think the key with Mia would be to get her to slow it down initially. Once she can perform a pose immediately upon hearing its name, then you can speed her up a bit at a time.

Nice touch with Jaz trying to console Mia. I had forgotten that they’d busked together. It’s beginning to dawn on me the amount of note-taking you probably had to do to keep all of their associations straight.

“…they are wearing bundies, also in matching purple, underneath their skirts.” — Tried looking this one up and found four definitions of 'bundy' — one of them British slang — but none made sense in this context, where you appear to be referring to clothing. A little help, please?

“I could do it all on my phone, but I just don’t like the touch-screen keypad thing, preferring to type on an old-fashioned keyboard.” — Neither do I! And I hate that all of my friends keep touching the screen of my desktop computer. Keys, please, gentlemen!

“But, until then, it’s revision, revision, revision for Maddie. Remembering how much I hated revising, she has my sympathy…” — I have no clue what ‘revisions’ are. Please advise.

…and that's me through the weekly summary for week eight. I have no idea when I'll be able to get back to this again. It's really progressing nicely. I'm amazed at the work you've put in, and it shows in the results.

[Jacques]

Hi, just wanted to say the level of effort/ detail you've put into this story is fantastic!

Really enjoying reading it and great to find something so different from pretty much everything else posted on this site- thanks for writing it!

[alli55]

And on to week seven. When I read what the dare would be, I expected this to be one of the weakest episodes, and so it turned out to be. There just isn't much of anywhere you can go with that, unless you're on paid-per-view cable, where you can strictly limit your audience.

Yep, this was one of two episodes I had most difficulty writing and am, ultimately, least happy with. But you can't work the magic every time!!


“I know it’s hard, but just try to ignore it, and I promise it will go away and all be forgotten before you know it.” — This is what in America is known as a ‘nine days’ wonder’, which is a little amusing as the expression should be in more use on your side of the pond. It was known over there earlier than 1325, but we claim it’s based on the nine day faux reign of Lady Jane Grey in 1554.

Over here, we tend to prefer the expression "fifteen minutes of fame", from the Andy Warhol quote. Perhaps because, as a society, we are much more celebrity-obsessed than clued-up on our own history!


“It’s strictly not Strictly,” she points out, “so, we’re not doing all the glitzy, sparkly, dress-up stuff!” — No idea what this is about, so we’re off to Wikipedia, and… crickets. No idea. The closest I can come is Kanye West saying something unintelligible about fashion. Could you please elucidate?

One of the most popular shows on TV here is Strictly Come Dancing, which everyone knows simply as Strictly. It is renowned for being a very glitzy, sparkly, dress-up show. Here BMD are doing away with all that stuff, hence it's strictly not Strictly!
I was quite pleased with that little play on words, tbh!


“…they are wearing bundies, also in matching purple, underneath their skirts.” — Tried looking this one up and found four definitions of 'bundy' — one of them British slang — but none made sense in this context, where you appear to be referring to clothing. A little help, please?

Bundies is the name for the undershorts worn by cheerleaders, knowing that their outfits are sufficiently revealing that anything worn under the skirts are going to be seen frequently during their routines.


“But, until then, it’s revision, revision, revision for Maddie. Remembering how much I hated revising, she has my sympathy…” — I have no clue what ‘revisions’ are. Please advise.

Revision is the act of revising, which is reviewing and attempting to learn all the information/work needed to pass an exam. It is the bane of every teenager's life at this time of year!


Thanks for all your comments, Curtis. This story did take a lot of time and effort, but I really enjoyed researching for it and then writing it, and I hope that shows in the final result.