[Fiction] Britain's Most Daring

[alli55]

I definitely think Channel 5's interest would have increased after the nudity! Right up their street!

I started out calling them Chapters but decided Episodes fitted the TV show idea better. But as to what you call each part of the Episodes, goodness only knows!!

[alli55]

“Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t get why Lowri is so desperate for Dylan to win!” Gemma says. “She’s not usually like that!”

“I dinnae get it, either! It’s normally all about the show, with her. She isnae usually that bothered about who wins,” Eilidh recalls. “But, it’s weird! It’s almost like this has become personal, now! I dinnae know why!” She stops, struck by a sudden thought. “I bet that’s it!” she mutters to herself. A broad smile spreads across her face, and she explains, “She’s been trying tae keep the excitement going by keeping Dylan in with a chance! It is still all about the show!”

“D’you think Dylan’s got any chance, really?” Lissie asks.

“I don’t know, …, probably not!” replies her Dad. “He’s still quite a way behind!”

“He’s 9 behind Jaz and 7 behind Matt!” Maddie informs everyone, her finely-tuned memory still retaining all sorts of information, without her really trying.

“Oh, that’s not as much as I thought! He could do it! But one of the others has got to have a disaster on this last dare, otherwise he’s got no chance!” Phil summarises. “And I don’t think they will!” he adds.

“Probably not!” agrees Eilidh.

I think it all depends on what the dare is, especially with Jaz! But, at least it’s made it a bit more exciting than it looked like it was going to be, when Dylan bottled out of the bungee jumping!

“Hello, again!” Trixie greets our return from the ad-break. “I’m Trixie Stonehill; this is Britain’s Most Daring; it’s the Grand Final; and it’s getting really exciting!”

“And I’m Joe Denecker; and I’m definitely excited!” Joe adds. “We’ve got just one more dare to go, before we have to say goodbye to one of wor three daredevils!” he states.

“Dylan’s been playing catch-up since he failed to complete his bungee jump,” Trixie reminds us, “but a stunning performance as a life drawing model, aided and abetted by his partner in crime, has pulled him to within touching distance of the other two!”

“As it stands: Jaz leads with 58 points; Matt has 56; and Dylan is on 49,” Joe recaps. “So, he can still do it!”

“They say you should always save the best for last,” Trixie continues, “so, I can promise you that the last of our Dare-A-Day dares is something truly unbelievable!”

“Here’s DD with the details!” Joe introduces.

For the last time, Jaz, Matt, and Dylan, along with Richie, Lisa, and Lowri, are sat in their familiar places, waiting for the Dare Deliverer’s sultry tones. As ever, she begins by belittling her subjects!

“Well, what a let-down, my little daredevils! Your modelling was most disappointing! Apart from you, my flame-haired lovely; there was nothing at all to be disappointed about with you! If you know what I mean!” Dylan turns bright red, as Lowri sniggers. The Dare Deliverer ignores them both, as she continues, “So, you need to up your game, for your final dare! You’ll need to have your wits about you for this, and it’ll help if you can read quickly! I dare you to be a co-driver in a rally car, with a proper rally driver beside you, trying to get around the course as quickly as possible! Hold on to your seat, and hold on to what really matters: your co-driver’s notes! Be daring, little ones! You’re nearly there!”

“How do you like the sound of that?” Trixie asks Dylan.

“That sounds awesome! I’m really looking forward to it!” he tells her, much to Lowri’s relief.

“Jaz, is this your cup of tea?” Joe enquires.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind doing that!” she reveals. “Except, I have real trouble with my left and right! Which could be a problem!”

“I think it might!” Joe nods and grins. “Remind me not to get in a car with you!”

“Matt,” Trixie asks, “is rallying your thing?”

“I’m not big on motor sport,” he tells her, “but I’m definitely up for a go at it! It should be good!”

Live in the studio, Trixie remarks, “So, it looks like, finally, we’ve found a dare that all our daredevils are keen on!”

“But that’s probably because there’s something DD forgot to mention!” Joe reveals. “A little detail that might just make them change their minds!”

“Yes, if only they knew!” Trixie agrees, smiling knowingly.

“There was only one person we could put in charge of this dare,” Joe tells us, “especially when you’ve seen the way she drives! So, let’s go over to wor very own speed-freak, Mairie!”

When the film begins, there is no sign of Mairie, or anyone else, for that matter. All we can see is a loveable yellow Labrador dog, lying on the grass, dozing in the sun. It looks at us, semi-interestedly, through its big, soppy eyes, and raises an ear, quizzically. This is the camera’s cue to leave the dog behind, and pan up and beyond, towards a ribbon of tarmac that cuts through the acres of green grass. Listening carefully, we can hear the sound of a car approaching, the engine straining to produce as much power as it can. It flies over the crest of a low rise in the road, all four wheels off the ground, before landing and powering towards us. As it gets close, there is a screech of brakes, and smoke billows up from the tyres, as the car is brought to a halt. The nearside door opens, and Mairie steps out, taking off her crash helmet as she walks towards us, a huge smile on her face.

“Absolutely fantastic! Unbelievable!” she exclaims. “That is just incredible! Isn’t it, Ayrton?” she asks the Labrador, which raises its head at the mention of its name. She crouches down and tickles Ayrton under his chin, as she continues talking to the dog. “Your daddy is something else behind the wheel of a rally car, isn’t he!?” She stands up and straightens her race suit. “Come on, Ayrton, let’s go and meet him!” Ayrton dutifully gets up and walks at her heel across to the car, tail wagging excitedly.

The driver has got out, and instinctively puts a hand down, reaching for the dog. It’s at this point that we realise why the dog has a harness on: Ayrton is a guide-dog; the rally driver is blind! That’s the little detail the Dare Deliverer failed to mention!

“Ash, that was phenomenal!” Mairie gushes. “How did you get to be that quick?”

“It’s all down to confidence and trust!” he tells her. “I know the circuit really well, so, as long as I’ve got a co-driver who’s reasonably competent, I can give it some welly!”

“So, I take it I’m reasonably competent?!”

“Reasonably!” he teases.

“So, what are you expecting from our daredevils?”

“Well, they’ve been given a set of course notes, with all the directions I need, so as long as they can read, and work out where they are on the course, they should be fine! Otherwise, it might get messy!” he laughs.

“Okay, well I’m really looking forward to doing the familiarisation laps with them,” Mairie reveals, “so let’s go and get ready!”

Jaz has drawn the short straw this time, and greets Mairie, both women looking resplendent in their cream-coloured race suits.

“Right, Jaz,” Mairie explains, “what we’ll do to start with is take you out at a sensible speed, to get you familiar with the course, and give you a chance to match the notes to the course itself!”

“Okay!” Jaz replies, pausing to check something. “Do I take it you’re driving?”

“I am for the familiarisation laps, and then we’ll introduce your actual driver!”

They do a lap at Mairie’s “reasonable” speed. As they approach the start once more, Jaz asks, “Can we slow down a bit, to give me a chance with these notes?” Their speed drops, a little, and
Jaz starts to call out the instructions from the notes. “MC 200 KR2, … what does that mean?”

“It means 200 metres after the start there’s a bend to the right, severity level 2,” Mairie explains. “But you don’t need to worry about that, so long as you remember when you’ve gone round each bend!”

“Okay! So, MC 200 KR2” she repeats.

“We’ve just gone round that one!” Mairie points out. “What’s next?”

“Um, … KL2?”

“How far?”

“What?”

“How far to the next bend, … never mind, we’ve just gone round that one, too!”

We mix in-car footage with shots of the car journeying around the circuit. Jaz is struggling to keep her place in the notes, and Mairie is having to drive on what she can see rather than what she’s being told! Which is going to be a problem for our blind driver!

As we continue to watch their progress, and Jaz becomes more and more flustered, Mairie’s voiceover states, “After many, many laps, it’s clear that Jaz is not really co-driver material! But, we can’t delay any longer!”

Standing by the car, Mairie tells Jaz, “Time to meet your proper driver!” She points towards Ash and Ayrton, who is now in working mode.

“Why’s he got a guide dog?” Jaz asks. “He’s not really blind, is he?”

“He is!” Mairie informs her.

“Oh, God!” she sighs.

“You must be Jaz!” Ash says, reaching for a hand to shake. “Ready for some rallying?”

“Um,” Jaz considers, “go on then!”

Once they’re strapped in, Ash revs the engine and they roar off. Pretty quickly the brake lights go on and they come almost to a complete stop at the entrance to the first bend.

“You need to tell me where to go!” Ash informs Jaz.

“I’m trying!” she replies. “But I’ve been having trouble with this!”

“Just relax and use your notes!”

“It’s quite hard to relax!” she tells him. “What with, … well, you know!”

We watch as Ash gets going again, but it’s clear that he has little confidence in his co-driver, as they cruise around the circuit at speeds your granny would be comfortable with! The second lap is little better, and the third sees them head off course completely, when Jaz mistakes left for right, and sends them trundling across the grass towards a line of trees. Fortunately, she has the presence of mind to tell Ash to stop before they get that far, as if he needed telling!

“That didn’t go well, did it, Jaz?” Trixie comments.

“No! I had real problems keeping track of where we were in the notes!” she admits. “But apart from getting really stressed about that, it was fun!”

“Well, let’s see what the DAPAs make of it all!” Joe says.

Dan awards 4 points, and Danielle only 3, giving Jaz a very low score of just 7 points, which means her Grand Final total ends on 65. It leaves her within Dylan’s reach, making her place in the Final Dare far from certain.

“I’m really disappointed,” she tells Trixie, “I don’t really see why they marked me as low as that! I did actually do the dare!”

Joe introduces the next filmed segment: “Okay, let’s take a look at Dylan’s rally experience!”

Dylan is calling out instructions to Mairie, as they do their familiarisation laps. He’s doing really well, with just one thing that Mairie picks up on: “Don’t get too far ahead of yourself,” she instructs, “or he might mix up which bend is which!”

“I just thought, once he’d got to one, he’d want to know what was coming next!”

“No, he’ll want you to focus fully on each bend, in turn, believe me!”

At the end of their laps, Mairie and Dylan get out of the car, and are met by Lowri, Ash, and Ayrton. Dylan looks suspiciously at the driver and his dog, putting two and two together but not sure he’s getting the right answer. Lowri is grinning as she watches Dylan’s reaction.

“Is he …?” he begins.

“Blind?” Ash finishes his question for him, before Lowri answers it.

“Yes, he is!” she exclaims, grinning wildly. “I’m so looking forward to seeing this!”

We’re in-car as Ash roars off the start line. “MC 200 KR2,” calls Dylan.

“Give me a shout just before we enter it!” Ash instructs.

“… Now!” Dylan shouts. “300 KL2 … Now!”

As they get further into the lap, Ash’s confidence in Dylan’s ability grows, and their speed increases. It looks impressive from afar, and, when we switch back to the in-car camera, it seems to be really fast!

“Heavens! Look at them go!” Mairie comments, as the car flashes across the start line once more.

“I can’t believe he can drive that fast when he can’t see where he’s going!” Lowri remarks.

We watch Ash and Dylan complete their laps, getting quicker each time, before we return to the studio, where the audience give Dylan a thunderous round of applause.

“Wow, Dylan, that was unbelievable!” Trixie exclaims.

“It was brilliant and terrifying all in one!” Dylan replies. “It was a good job I had to concentrate so hard on the notes, otherwise I think I’d have died of fright!”

“Well, the DAPAs should be impressed!” Joe declares. “D ’n’ D, what’s it to be?”

It’s a well-deserved 9 from each DAPA, giving Dylan 18 points, and making his Grand Final total 67, crucially 2 more than Jaz. Both Lowri and Dylan punch the air in delight when they realise that he’s made it into the Final Dare, against all the odds.

Poor Jaz, though, looks disconsolate; she turns to Richie and says, “I’m sorry!”

He puts a hand on her arm, and tells her, “Don’t worry! You did your best! That’s what matters!”

That’s little consolation for Jaz, as she contemplates the fact that Matt only needs 10 points to eliminate her. It looks like it’s going to be a case of ‘so near and yet so far’!

“Okay, it’s getting really tense now,” Trixie states, “so let’s find out who’s going to be joining Dylan in the Final Dare. Here’s Mairie with the tale of Matt’s rally encounter!”

Matt is struggling to make sense of the instructions, as he and Mairie navigate their way around the circuit. “Can’t I just shout ‘left now’ when we get to the bend?” he asks.

“No, he’ll need a bit more warning than that, and he needs to know how tight the bend is!” she points out.

“How about ‘left a bit’ or ‘left a lot’? Would that help? All these numbers and letters are confusing me!”

We watch them complete their latest lap and come to a halt, next to Lisa, Ash, and Ayrton. Once they’ve got out of the car, Mairie introduces Matt to his driver.

“He’s got a guide-dog!” Matt exclaims.

“Yeah!” Lisa confirms, grinning.

“Are you winding me up?” he checks.

“Would I?” she replies.

He pauses, waiting for the joke to end, but it doesn’t, of course! “Okay, you’ve had your fun! Let’s stop messing about, and do this properly!”

“Okay!” agrees Ash, and he heads for the driver’s seat.

“Is he for real?” Matt asks the two women, who both nod in affirmation. “No! No way! He can’t drive if he’s blind! That’s against the law!”

“It’s private land; it’s fine!” Mairie explains.

“It’s not fine!” Matt asserts. “It’s bloody dangerous! He could kill someone!”

“He hasn’t yet!” Lisa informs him, unhelpfully.

“No!” Matt decides. “I’m not getting in that car with a man who can’t see anything! No way!” He begins to walk off, muttering to himself as he goes.

“Despite our best efforts,” Mairie’s voiceover informs us, as we watch Matt walking away, “we couldn’t persuade Matt to change his mind. Still, it did give me a chance to have another spin with Ash!” The segment ends with a shot of the two of them roaring off the start line.

“Matt, you were adamant, weren’t you!?” Trixie says.

“Yeah, no offence, but you can see my point!” he replies, defensively. “I should have given it a go, but, I don’t know, maybe you caught me on a bad day or something!”

As he speaks, we can’t help but notice Jaz turn to Richie and smile a very relieved smile.

“Well, we know what a non-completed dare gets,” states Joe, “but let’s just confirm it!”

The DAPAs both award 0 points, leaving Matt’s Grand Final total stuck on 56, meaning that he is eliminated. He just sits, staring blankly into space and shaking his head. Jaz puts a sympathetic hand on his knee, jerking him back to the here-and-now. He shakes her hand, then reaches across to shake Dylan’s hand as well.

“Well, now we know who will be taking part in our live Final Dare!” Trixie points out. “After the break, we’ll see Dylan and Jaz go head-to-head for the title of Britain’s Most Daring! So, whatever you do, don’t go anywhere! See you, after this!”

“Well,” Phil says, “who saw that coming?!”

“I’m amazed!” admits Eilidh. “Of all the people tae back out of a dare, I never thought it would be Matt!”

“I’ve got nothing against Matt,” I make clear, “but I’m really pleased Jaz has made it through! Did you see how devastated she looked when she thought she’d blown it?!”

“She’s a really nice lass!” Gemma declares. “I’m really made-up for her!”

Eilidh nods in agreement, adding, “I’ll tell you what: I reckon she’ll win”this! I think she’s got a really good chance, now, I really do! I think she’ll beat Dylan!”

[Curtis]

Hello, and welcome to week twelve of "Curtis Makes Annoying Comments About Britain's Most Daring"!

“…And do you know what our favourite dare was? I bet you do!”

“I don’t want to think about it!” remarks Joe.

“Don’t interrupt!” she tells him, sharply, before returning to her usual, sultry tone. “We used to dare each other to kiss one of the boys in our class!” — I’m not going to claim this is British, but that it must be from after my time. Nothing remotely like this happened on the playgrounds of Carthage, New York back in the late ’60s/early ’70s.

“Well,” Eilidh begins, “I’ve decided that I’m gonnae need an excuse for asking people for a kiss. So, I’ve come up with the idea of doing a kissing survey! I’m just thinking up a few questions and making it into an official-looking survey sheet. Then, I’ll get a clipboard, and try tae get my targets tae take part in the survey!” — That is so clever! I hope she does well.

“Not so much a bogof deal, as a gogat: get one, get another two!” — Here we say ‘bogo’ instead of ‘bogof’, and up until last Christmas I’d’ve said the ‘f’ was unnecessary, but about that time ‘buy one get one half off’ started to overwhelm ‘buy one get one free’, so I can see that your acronym is superior. I’m glad you defined ‘gogat’, because we have nothing like that over here.

I like the way you have different contestants balking at different targets.

“Builder comes before teacher!” Maddie states. “Jaz did the builder before she did the doctor, and Dylan did the doctor before he did the teacher. So, the builder must be before the teacher!”

“How the hell do you remember all that?” Phil asks her.

“I’ve spent the last two months training my brain to remember everything it sees!” she points out. “I can’t just switch it off!” — Lovely!

“Bundies is the name for the undershorts worn by cheerleaders, knowing that their outfits are sufficiently revealing that anything worn under the skirts are going to be seen frequently during their routines.” — Back when I was in high school (mid-to-late ‘70s) the cheerleader’s skirts, which were heavy and woolen, had a strip that ran between the girls’ legs. It was permanently sewn at either the front or back (can’t remember… and may never have known) and had two snaps at the other end to hold it in place. You’d snap it after putting the skirt on, so I’m guessing the snaps were at the front. Once the snaps were done up, modesty was ensured. And the snaps would also ensure that the skirt was ‘accidentally’ pulled up too high.

I think I’ve found an error — “… The class of schoolchildren look round, surprised by the sudden interruption to their lesson. With the counter showing 20, Gemma strides past the kids… “Hello, Mr Warren, I’ve come to say thank-you for being such a good teacher!” she tells him, and walks up to him and kisses him on the cheek. Back outside, with the counter now showing 21…” — but, just a page earlier — “…causing the counter to change to 14, with Jaz earning her bonus point for getting her kiss in front of the teacher’s class.” — If Jaz got a bonus point for kissing a teacher in front of his class, shouldn’t Gemma have as well? I demand a re-count!

“Well may she ask!” — Oh, this makes so much more sense than the American way of saying it (‘Well, she may ask!’), which I have never understood.

“Jaz quickly removes her hand, and covers her face…” — I’d’ve probably kept my hand away from my face until I had a chance to wash it, but, ‘different strokes…’.
******
This was one of my most favorite episodes.

I'm a little shocked that Maddie and Mam would actually be worried about Maddie's 'bits' appearing on television, but I guess that's the difference between American and European television. In the U.S. she would either be pixellated or have a fog across her 'bits', even on late-night cable… which this is not. The only time she would appear frontally topless or bottomless would be if the show was pay-per0view or if it appeared on a channel for which you had to pay seperately.

Violence, on the other hand, is much more realistic on American tv. I have to resist the urge to laugh when I see actors falling down dead in one of the Sharpe's episodes for no apparent reason. Interesting how our priorities differ.

[Curtis]

Originally Posted by alli55

What to do about Gemma bothered me from the start...

I didn't want her to win, since that would have been too obvious and cliched.

I also knew that, for the family to maintain their interest, and thus for the story to hold together, she couldn't be eliminated too early. She had to last long enough to make sure they were hooked on the show.

I considered letting her reach the Grand Final, but finally settled on the idea of eliminating her the week before, for a number of reasons: it makes for a really unexpected turn of events; it allowed me to explore the aftermath of her leaving; and because I had to find a dare that could convincingly defeat a young lass who will attempt pretty much anything.

Once I'd decided on that, and on the nature of the dare, throwing Maddie into the mix was just far too tempting for me to be able to resist!

I'm glad you liked it; and, yes, the aftermath was inevitable really

Not a very enjoyable episode, but quite an interesting one — well-written and realistic.

So, does Eilidh live nearby? I had the impression that each of the ten regions represented initially were quite some distance apart, but Eilidh seems to pop 'round on a moment's notice.
******
“Maddie and I settle in for what is going to be a tense and testing 90 minutes.” — What, 90 minutes! All this time I thought BMD was an hourlong show. I think the last ninety minute show in the United States was the old Columbo mystery series, which ran from 1989-2003. (It was a two-hour show on a different network from 1968-78.)

Your Dare Deliverer got it wrong; it’s not ‘fortune favors the brave’. The original was from Virgil: 'Audaces fortuna iuvat (latin) — Fortune favors the bold.’ Which is Denmark’s motto (though not in Latin) to this day.
******
Well, the dark wouldn’t bother me. I’d hate dealing with spiders or being out in public naked, but I could grit my teeth and get on with it. Heights would do me in, though. It’s hard for me to believe that I did a 300 foot parachute drop at a Six Flags amusement park in New Jersey when I was in college, but there was a pretty young lady involved…. Never again.
******
“It’s like, maybe it’s not the dark I’m scared of! I think what I’m actually scared of is all the creepy shadows and objects that you can only half-see in normal darkness.” — Exactly. I realized that when I was four or five. I’ve been in pitch-blackness a couple of times when the power went out. I live in a windowless room in the attic. It was… restful. I got a lot of sleeping done.

Okay, house spiders aren’t THAT bad. It’s the hairy ones, or the ones that make a pulpy mess when you squash them, that really bother me. The same with installing the solar panels, especially with the safety harness. Actually making it from the scaffolding to the roof would be the worst part. Once on the roof (and firmly attached), sit or kneel facing the peak, so you can’t see the ground. I reckon I could make it past the first round of all of these dares.
******
Fifteen pounds for pizza! I’m glad I don’t live there; I reckon the cheapest delivered pizza around here would be six pounds, plus a pound for a delivery charge, and possibly another for a tip. The real problem here is that if a dirty old man like me flashed a delivery person — male or female — I’d likely get arrested, whereas Gemma just gets admired. Life ain’t fair.

Since actually touching the huge and hairy spiders wasn’t required, I could get past the second dare there, but there’s no way I’d go up in that window-washing contraption.
******
Okay, the haunted house would be easy-peasy. Abseiling is absolutely out of the question. The spiders… gah. I’d be able to make a start with the tarantula, but as soon as it started past my elbow I’d panic and toss it somewhere… regardless of how angry that made Heather. The bigger one, not happening. No sir.
******
I don’t think Gemma succeeded at the skinny-dipping dare. Taking off her bottom underwater, then putting it back on again without ever leaving the water… no, that’s right out. I could’ve done that one easier than flashing the deliveryperson. Running into the cold water would’ve been the hard part.

“… Back in night-vision black-and-white…” — Over here, night vision is always done in green-and-white, which is the way you Brits do it with the sighting systems for your Challenger tanks, which makes me wonder why your civilian system would be black-and-white. Hum. Anyway, I like graveyards. My sister, my dad’s mother and I used to walk through the cemetery at the end of her block every other day when we’d go visiting them in the summer. Never vat night, mind you, and I would be worried about stumbling over a gravestone and breaking it… or breaking me.

“…who sits near the catacombs…” — Oh, I forgot about that! In the Nicholville cemetery all they had was a ‘cold room’, which was where the bodies of the recently deceased were stored through the winter until the ground thawed in spring. THAT would’ve been very creepy, especially at night! Catacombs would be worse. It would require some real screwing-up-of-courage to get me to walk through the catacombs alone at night. With two other people, easy peasy.

As far as streaking across the pitch… uhm. I’d hate it, but IF I COULD BE ASSURED I WOULDN’T BE ARRESTED, I’d do it… somewhere over a hundred miles from home.

Why does Matt have to do a fourth dare? The others all balked on their third. Anyway, that was easier than the third one. As you pointed out, Matt couldn’t leave the box if he wanted to. I’d’ve covered my nose with one hand and absolutely not responded to any questions, but I could’ve made it through that one, even if leaving the box was an option.
******
“So, Matt,” Trixie asks, “have we cured your arachnophobia?”

“No! You’ve just made me never want see another spider in my life!” — I empathize! The more time I spend around heights, the worse my fear of them has become. Exposing someone to their fear gradually and repeatedly has supposedly been proven to help, but it hasn’t with me.

17 was about right — if not a little low — for Matt. 11 was too high for Gemma. Jaz at 15 is also high, and Dylan at 12 is about right. Say 8 or 9 for Gemma and 13 for Jaz, and I agree with you on who should be in the dare-off.

“I’m cacking myself!” — So, looking up ‘cacking’ and… oh, dear. Well, I can comfort myself that SpelChek doesn’t think that’s an actual word.

“If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, … why, … oh why … can’t I?” — I was certain I’d caught you in a lyrical error, but to my surprise there are at least three versions of the lyrics, and that’s one of them. I’m only familiar with Judy Garland’s version, which ends with, ‘Birds fly over the rainbow; why then, oh why can’t I?’

“Joe hugs his fellow Geordie, for whom he’s had a special affection from the very start.” — Really? I hadn’t noticed. (No, that’s not sarcasm.)

‘Maths’ is a more appropriate word than the ‘math’ that we use — since the word that’s being abbreviated is ‘mathematics’, not ‘mathematic’ — but it will never look right to me, like ‘arse’ for ‘ass’, for which the same may be said. Words like ‘lift’, ‘bonnet’ and ‘boot’ don’t bother me at all, but ‘maths’, ‘arse’ and ‘gusset’ are like fingernails on a chalkboard.

“…mooched about…” — We use ‘mooching’ differently, meaning to borrow money from someone. I’m not sure what term we’d use for this. If it was about a boy we might say ‘mooned about’, but in this case… ‘hung about’?

“…superfluous to requirement…” — Ah, now that’s a lovely turn of phrase. I think I used that once, over a decade ago.

As usual, Mam is wise and Stacie is… powerful. A very good friend to have. There’s a roleplaying game called Runequest that’s fairly popular in England; Stacie would make a good worshipper of any one of three related goddesses: Vinga the red-haired (also the dutiful daughter), who guards the stead, her mother’s temples and the children and avenges wrongs done to wives and widows; Yelorna the star maiden (also Starbringer and Light in the Darkness, Yelmalio's faithful sister), who guards her mother’s and brother’s temples and their priests/priestesses; and Babeester Gor the avenging daughter, who seeks bloody vengeance when the other two fail.

From Wikipedia: “A foam party is a social event at which participants dance to music on a dance floor covered in several feet of suds or bubbles, dispensed from a foam machine.” Huh, you learn something new every day… and not all of it is as unsettling as ‘cacking’.

[Curtis]

“Phil and I have been reduced to sitting next to each other in the garden seats!” — Okay, looking up ‘garden seats’… and the photo is of an Adirondack chair! Just to ensure that there is absolutely no question in your mind, there is no such thing as a plastic Adirondack chair, no matter how many stores try to sell you one. Adirondack chairs are made of wood. Accept no substitutes!

“As the screen fades to black, a red number 4 appears; Joe hugs Gemma, who then waves to us, turns, and walks off, the number 4 changing to a 3 as she does so. The screen and the number 3 fade, in turn, as the audience begin their enthusiastic applause.” — Unlike the silly catchphrase, THIS I like very much, and I should’ve said so two months ago.

My favorite scene was probably the cheerleading, but that may just be because I’ve read it so recently.
*****
Yeah, I’m not bungee jumping, either.

I agree with the order of finish and Dylan scoring zero, but I’d have Jaz up by three or four, instead of two.
******
I could stand as a knife-thrower’s target, but only if I kept my eyes closed, so not many points there.

I concur on the points for this one.
******
I’m not a fan of Simon Cowell, but the man’s a promotional genius.

I’d swim with the sharks, and pet them, and stroke their sandpaper skin, and dress them in layettes, and call them ‘baby’…. In all seriousness, I’d kill on animal dares, keeping firmly in mind that spiders and snakes are NOT animals.

“He looks like he’s just come from the beach, in t-shirt and shorts, with sunglasses perched on the top of his head, having somehow negotiated their way past his quiff.” — ‘Quiff’ can’t mean what I think it does. Well, in Britain it doesn’t: “quiff/kwif/noun/BRITISH — a piece of hair, especially on a man, brushed upward and backward from the forehead.” But in America it does: “[kwif] noun, plural quiff, quiffs. Slang. a woman, especially one who is promiscuous.” Yeah, that’s what I thought.

“You’re hot-wired to not get in amongst them!” — ‘Hard-wired’ — ‘hot-wire’ is something you do to a car to start it when you haven’t a key… except in England. Ten dictionaries agree with me and one English dictionary with you. “Sad, to be all alone in the world.”

Good scoring again, and I agree with Phil about what’s best about the show.
******
The life drawing would be easier for me than two of Gemma’s dares from the previous week. I’m a little surprised they didn’t end on that one.

That reminds that that I’d’ve won the dare-off the previous week, as I have no social media contacts for photos to be sent to!

I’m really surprised that Dylan is so resistant; he seemed to have been involved in several nude shoots in the past.

“…and maybe arch your back, so that your chest is a bit more prominent!” — Yeah, because we really need for her chest to be more prominent. (That was a sarcasm.)

I agree with the order of finish, but I suspect a good deal of Dylan’s 18 was sympathy rather than execution. I’d set him back to 15 just for putting up such a fuss.

…and looking up ‘Channel 5’… Well, I’m not understanding the reference, as their programming seems to have no nudity at all. Channel 5 seems to be failing, as its ratings have dropped every year for maybe fifteen years and are worse than when it was in its second season, so… desperate?
******
Rally-car racing should be more involved than they think it is, though not at all dangerous. Back in high school my second-best friend’s older brother did a LOT of rallies, and he made it seem very involved and difficult, the idea being to finish in as close to the established time as possible WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE ESTABLISHED TIME IS. Much more difficult than just trying to finish first. …and your rally is nothing like that.

“I’m really disappointed,” she tells Trixie, “I don’t really see why they marked me as low as that! I did actually do the dare!” — Well, but you didn’t finish the course, luv. 7 is about right, and so are the rest of the scores. I suspect I’d’ve finished around 10 or 11.
******
What? And it's not done? I guess there must be two segments yet to film, so I'll have to check back in Sunday night for the pulse-pounding conclusion.

By the way, it took me 6 ½ hours to get through episodes 12 and 13, and this much of 14; I can't imagine how long it took you to write it.

[alli55]

The rollercoaster of events, which completed Dylan’s unlikely comeback, brought about Matt’s elimination and dragged Jaz to the depths of despair and back again, has left us all a little disoriented. None of us, indeed probably no-one watching the show, expected Matt to fail to do his dare; and we were just getting used to the idea that Dylan had scraped through at Jaz’s expense, when Matt’s dramatic refusal changed everything once more. We don’t, any of us, dislike Matt for any particular reason, but we are all agreed that we have now got the Final Dare lineup that we would have preferred, given a choice at the start of this week’s show. But, as for who’s going to win, out of those two …

“Okay, hands up if you think Dylan’s going to win!” Lissie instructs, putting her own hand up as she speaks. Rayna’s hand shoots up immediately; I raise mine, and watch as Justine and Phil put their hands up. “And Jaz!” Lissie says. Stacie, Maddie, and the two former daredevils on the sofa all raise their hands. “Five-four to Dylan!” announces Lissie.

Maybe so! But, isn’t it interesting that both Eilidh and Gemma now think that Jaz will win?!

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring’s Grand Final!” cries Trixie, once more.

“And what a dramatic final we’ve had so far!” Joe remarks. “Everything changed with wor last dare, when Matt refused to be driven at high speed by a man who employs a guide-dog to do his seeing for him! Which, when you put it like that, seems perfectly reasonable!”

Trixie grins, as she continues, “It means that the final Dare-A-Day scores are in, and, incredibly, Dylan has won with 67 points! He’ll be joined in the live Final Dare by Jaz, who finishes on 65 points. Matt’s refusal on the last dare leaves him on 56 points, meaning it’s the end of the road for him.”

“So, we’ll be seeing Dylan and Jaz go head-to-head, live in the studio, for one last, very special dare, to decide who will end up being crowned Britain’s Most Daring!” Joe states.

“But, before that,” Trixie adds, in a more sombre tone, “unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to Matt. So, Matt, come and join us!” Matt picks himself out of his chair and walks across to where the two presenters are standing. They part, allowing him to fill the space between them.

“Matt, what’s it like going out now, like this?” Joe asks him.

“I’m gutted!” Matt admits. “If I could go back, I’d force myself into that car! I’m really mad at myself for backing out!”

“Was it a spur of the moment thing?” Joe enquires.

“Yeah, it was, really! But it was stupid! Maybe, if I’d have had someone pushing me harder, I don’t know! I really thought I could win! I have from the very start! I know I could!”

“Obviously, a disappointing end,” Trixie sympathises, “but, overall, what’s it been like, being on the show?”

“It’s been a real crack! I love doing crazy, silly stuff, me, and there’s been plenty of that! So, yeah, bangin’!”

“Well, let’s take a look at some of those crazy, silly things you’ve got up to over the past weeks!” Trixie says, introducing Matt’s farewell montage.

Matt appears behind Keenan and Olly, gives us a ‘hang loose’ sign, and says, “Let’s kick it! Bring it on!” We then see him: attempting to run up the down escalator; frying maggots and eating them; performing the Cha Cha Slide dance; playing kiss-chase with a young female vicar in a park; standing in front of a class of schoolchildren, trying to prevent a tarantula climbing up his arm; and falling through the air, attached by his ankles to a bungee rope. His friend, Digger, is tattooing a red rose onto Matt’s newly-shaven head, before completing the dramatic makeover by inserting a curved barbell piercing through Matt’s eyebrow; at the Heads Together Concert, Matt gives his improvised whistling solo, during the BMD Northern Singers’ performance of ‘Stand By Me’. Then it’s back to the silliness: Matt crashes a wedding and kisses the mother of the bride; he attempts to explain the concept of a selfie to a confused old lady; he eats a battered splat, which was once a slice of orange, with a grin on his face; with Matt dressed in women’s clothes, Digger has his arm around his shoulder, reassuringly, as Matt says, “Thanks, Unc!”, and the two of them collapse in fits of laughter. In street-dance gear, Matt drops to the floor of the stage and does a Cossack-style dance with his arms and legs; then we see him, standing, leaning back for balance, with an upside-down woman supporting herself on his knees as he holds her waist, and she spreads her legs up and down, to make the shape of the three legs of the Isle of Man flag; Matt, in diving gear, clutches his dive partner’s arm as a large shark glides over the top of his head. The crazy stuff then returns: a giggling, blushing, young female police officer handcuffs Matt and kisses him; knives land next to him, as he stands, nervously, against a board; watched by two girls, Matt asks a bemused McDonald’s worker for a single fry, telling the poor lad that he only wants one fry because he’s not very hungry! The montage then concludes with the shot of Matt walking away from the rally car, muttering to himself.

“Give it up for Matt!” Trixie encourages. “What a star!” The audience respond enthusiastically, as Matt shakes hands with the two presenters. After giving one final ‘hang loose’ sign, he turns and makes his way offstage.

“And then there were two!” states Joe, looking at Trixie and raising his eyebrows.

“Yes, this is it!” Trixie exclaims. “It’s time for the last dare, our Live Final Head-To-Head Dare, as Dylan and Jaz go up against each other for the title of Britain’s Most Daring!”

“So, for one last time, here’s DD to lay it on the line!” Joe says.

“Well, congratulations, my pair of darers!” she begins. “You’ve done well! But you’ve won nothing, yet; and no-one remembers the runner-up! So, be brave one more time, little ones! I dare you to complete my little ‘Don’t Say No’ challenge! It’s simple: just don’t say no! Good luck, and remember, be daring, because if you flop you’re dropped!” She sniggers as Joe protests at her use of his catchphrase.

Trixie has moved to the other side of the studio, next to the familiar circular cubicles. “It really is that simple!” she explains, as Joe brings Dylan and Jaz over to join her. “You’re going to be shown a dare that you have to decide whether to accept or refuse. You’ll have 10 seconds to press either the green ‘yes’ button or the red ‘no’ button; if you don’t hit a button it will be assumed that you have accepted the dare. If both of you accept, then you will be shown another dare, and so on, until one of you refuses. The person left will then have to complete the last dare they accepted. If they do, then they will be crowned Britain’s Most Daring. If they don’t complete it to the DAPAs satisfaction, then their opponent will win, by default. Is that clear?

Jaz and Dylan both confirm that they understand, and are then shown into their respective cubicles by Joe.

“How are you feeling?” he asks them both, in turn.

“Really nervous!” Jaz admits, as usual.

“Yeah, and me,” Dylan agrees, adding, “but I’m really up for it, as well!”

“Okay,” instructs Trixie, “let’s begin the Don’t Say No challenge!”

Our screen splits into two, vertically, with Jaz on the left and Dylan on the right. A strip along the bottom of the screen fades and blurs. In the blurred space, we see the same written dare that Jaz and Dylan are reading on the monitor in their cubicle: ‘You are dared to blow up a balloon until it bursts’. Both of them press their green buttons to accept the dare as soon as they have read it.

Once the 10 seconds have elapsed, the accepted dare is replaced by the next one: ‘You are dared to lie on a bed of nails’. Again, there is no hesitation from either Jaz or Dylan; both of them accept the dare. As they wait for the next dare to appear, Jaz blows her cheeks out, trying to control her nerves.

‘You are dared to sit in our gunge chamber and take what’s coming to you’. Presumably that means being coated in some sort of slimy goo. Whatever it entails, exactly, Dylan and Jaz are both straight on the green button again, as you would hope and expect.

The fourth dare is the first one to make either daredevil pause, as Dylan hesitates for a couple of seconds before deciding to accept. ‘You are dared to give a solo singing performance’ causes Jaz no such problem. Dylan takes a deep breath, as they both wait to see whether another dare is coming, or whether they will have to do this particular dare.

When the next dare appears, Dylan breathes a sigh of relief. ‘You are dared to eat the whole of our Mystery Pie’ will no doubt bring back nasty memories of their auditions, but they both got through those, of course, so it’s perhaps no surprise that they both accept this dare without needing to think about it for much time at all.

‘You are dared to have your head shaved completely’ is the next dare, and both of them look uncertain this time. Dylan subconsciously runs a hand through his hair as he tries to decide, whilst Jaz’s hand appears to be hovering over the green button, as if she’s trying to force herself to accept the dare. With just a couple of seconds left on the countdown, Dylan slams his hand down on the green button, but Jaz fails to press either button. By default, that means she has accepted the dare, and the contest goes on.

As the tension continues to mount, we see the next dare appear along the bottom of the screen: ‘You are dared to get into a sleeping bag filled with creepy-crawlies’. Dylan is fairly quick to hit the green button, but Jaz is having trouble again. She puts her hand over the green button, but then moves it to the red button. She lowers it, and we get ready for her to refuse, but then, as the counter closes in on zero, she pulls her hand back to her chest. Another dare is accepted by default: she’s still in this!

There is a gasp from the audience when the next dare is revealed: ‘You are dared to have your nipple pierced’. Jaz’s eyes widen and she puts a hand over her mouth. Dylan looks equally shocked, and just stares at the screen for a few seconds. He shakes his head and plunges his hand onto the red button, refusing the dare. All eyes are now on Jaz, whose hand is wavering between the two buttons. As time begins to run out, she shuts her eyes and makes one of her famous impetuous decisions, pressing the green button and accepting the dare. Immediately the button is pressed, she opens her eyes and waits for the next dare; when it doesn’t come, she realises that she is now going to have to complete this dare to be crowned champion. She leans back on the chair, looks up at the ceiling of the cubicle, and puts her hands over her face.

“Well, we have a refusal!” states Trixie. “Dylan has declined that last dare, so it’s now all up to Jaz!”

Joe helps Jaz out of her cubicle, and she joins Trixie as Joe heads back to Dylan.

“Jaz, you are one dare away from officially being Britain’s Most Daring! How do you feel?”

“Terrified!” Jaz declares. “I don’t know what came over me! Oh God!”

Richie has come across to offer his support, and he puts a comforting hand on her arm, causing her to look gratefully at him. Trixie gives him a subtle nod, and he takes Jaz off to prepare for her dare.

“Give her a massive round of applause, as she goes to get ready to do her dare!” Trixie instructs the audience, who respond accordingly. Dylan and Joe join her, as they wait for the ovation to fade, at which point she asks Dylan, “How was that?”

“Really, really tense!” he reveals. “I could do most of them, and I had to just go for it on the head shaving. I was really hoping she’d accepted as well, which she did, luckily, ’cos I really didn’t want to do that one!”

“And what happened with the last one?” Joe enquires.

“There’s no way I could do that!” he explains. “But, I was pretty sure Jaz wouldn’t either, so I was expecting to get another dare, and I was hoping that would be do-able! But, obviously, …!”

“Well, you could still be our winner,” Trixie reminds him, “if Jaz is unable to go through with it!”

“Yeah, I know,” he acknowledges, “but I don’t really want to win like that!”

“I know what you mean!” Joe tells him.

“Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that!” Trixie says. “We’ll find out, after the break. So, join us then, for the exciting finale to our quest to find Britain’s Most Daring! Don’t move from where you are; you most definitely don’t want to miss this!”

For perhaps the first time in the whole three months we’ve been watching Britain’s Most Daring, no-one says anything as the theme music ends and the adverts start. What the reason for this is, I’m not sure; but I know, for me, the nature of the dare that Jaz is facing is making me a little uncomfortable. There’s a lot going on with that dare: the pain, obviously, which doesn’t bear thinking about, frankly; but, also, the embarrassment of having to bare her breasts to the nation, in order to get the piercing done. It’s this that’s causing me to be a little uncertain about whether I’m happy with the way the series is finishing. I want Jaz to do it, to be crowned champion, because she’ll definitely deserve it; but I don’t want her to put herself through something she’ll regret and I’m worried that’s what she’s doing, and for that reason, I’m not sure I want to watch her actually do it!

“Wow!” Maddie breaks the silence. “That was intense!”

[alli55]

Kiss-chase has been happening in primary school playgrounds up and down the UK since time immemorial, at least according to my Mum!

I think I’ve found an error ... If Jaz got a bonus point for kissing a teacher in front of his class, shouldn’t Gemma have as well? I demand a re-count!

No-ooooo! I tried so hard to make sure the scoring was accurate for this episode! But, I did get impossibly confused at one point, and ... yes, you have found an error!

The kiss-chase episode, along with the betting one, are the two that I think represent BMD at its best ... running around, accosting members of the public, doing random, stupid things. Much as I like some of the other, skill-based episodes (especially the concert and the circus), these silly episodes are, I think, the essence of the show.

"Fortune favours the brave" is another popular misquote here. No-one, but no-one uses "bold" instead of "brave".

“Joe hugs his fellow Geordie, for whom he’s had a special affection from the very start.” — Really? I hadn’t noticed. (No, that’s not sarcasm.)

It's there from the very start, in the auditions, but it is quite subtle a lot of the time.

As usual, Mam is wise and Stacie is… powerful. A very good friend to have.

Over the course of the story, Stacie has largely been just a source of text-messaging fun (with the exception of the troll incident). She and Gemma owe a lot to Maddie's family, and I wanted to give Stacie the chance to do something meaningful in return. This was the perfect opportunity.

“You’re hot-wired to not get in amongst them!” — ‘Hard-wired’ — ‘hot-wire’ is something you do to a car to start it when you haven’t a key… except in England. Ten dictionaries agree with me and one English dictionary with you. “Sad, to be all alone in the world.”

You're right, and I knew it when I wrote it. I just thought it would be fun to have Lowri mangle the expression!

I’m really surprised that Dylan is so resistant; he seemed to have been involved in several nude shoots in the past.

He had a "wardrobe malfunction" that he was unaware had been caught on camera; and then faced the embarrassment of BMD getting hold of a naked selfie he had taken ... and which modern British teenager hasn't taken one of those?!!
I wouldn't class either of those as 'nude shoots', and his reaction to the idea of standing naked in front of a group of people, who will be studying his body in detail, is entirely understandable and in keeping with his character, I would suggest.
His mistake, if you will, was to forget just how anarchic Lowri can be!

Rally-car racing should be more involved than they think it is, though not at all dangerous. Back in high school my second-best friend’s older brother did a LOT of rallies, and he made it seem very involved and difficult, the idea being to finish in as close to the established time as possible WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE ESTABLISHED TIME IS. Much more difficult than just trying to finish first. …and your rally is nothing like that.

But the dare wasn't to enter a rally, it was to co-drive for a rally driver around a particular course ... with the twist that the driver was blind. Never mind keeping to a time, or even going fastest, I'm with Matt on this one - I'm not getting in the car!!

By the way, it took me 6 ½ hours to get through episodes 12 and 13, and this much of 14; I can't imagine how long it took you to write it.

It took a long, lo-ong time! But it was so much fun!
I'm also acutely aware of how much time and effort it has taken everyone to read ... and I'm so, so grateful to each of you who has stuck with it. I really hope you have found it worth sticking with!

Anyway, nearly done now. I've just posted the penultimate part. It all finishes tomorrow!!

[alli55]

“D’you think she’ll actually do it?” asks Lissie.

“Yeah, definitely!” asserts Eilidh, straightaway.

“Really?” Lissie checks.

“Oh, yeah!” Eildh confirms. “There’s no way she’ll back out!”

“Will it hurt?” Rayna enquires, prompting several quizzical looks from around the room.

“God, Rayna, she’s going to have a needle stuck through it! Of course it’ll hurt!” Lissie exclaims.

“Zoe had hers done and she said it hurt like hell when the needle was going in, but after that it was alright!” Gemma reveals.

“When did she get that done?” Stacie asks.

“Just after Christmas. She got both of them done. But one’s not healing properly. It keeps oozing pus.”

“Eeeurrghh! That’s gross!” Lissie screws her face up in disgust. “I’m never getting mine done!” she vows.

“Nor me!” agrees Maddie. “I really like my nipples, so why would I want to stick anything through them?”

I glance across at Phil and he smiles at me. He lives in a female-dominated house, so he’s used to hearing about women’s issues, but there are some things that he maybe doesn’t need to be told all about. Maddie’s nipples might just fall into that category!

“Thanks for being with us!” Trixie says, smiling broadly. “We’re almost there, now!”

“In a moment, we’ll see if Jaz can successfully complete her final dare,” Joe reminds us, “and find out whether it’s going to be her or Dylan who is crowned Britain’s Most Daring.”

“First, though, let’s take a look back!” Trixie continues. “Dylan, in particular, has wowed us throughout the whole series! So, here is our very special Top Ten countdown of Dylan’s Dares!”

As the two presenters provide the voiceover for the countdown, we get to see the relevant clips once more, and are reminded just how creative Dylan and the Dare Club have been.

“At number 10,” Joe states, “it’s Bob the Builder, … and Fred Flintstone, … and a skeleton!” Dylan appears in each of the costumes, but it’s Fred that provides the most memorable moment, when Lowri takes him by surprise, plopping herself down next to him, dressed as Fred’s wife, Wilma!

As Dylan, Lowri, Tish, and Myfi walk down a Swansea street at night, Dylan wearing a shimmering dress and tottering on high heels, we hear Trixie say, “Number 9: girls night out!” Dylan then gets hit on by two likely lads, causing him to flee the nightclub with his fellow students.

“At 8, it’s the book he never wrote!” Joe informs us, as we watch Dylan signing copies of ‘his’ book, faking the signature of the actual author.

“Here’s our naughty naked number 7!” Trixie introduces a clip from today’s show, where a naked Lowri drags an equally naked Dylan out from behind the screen, ready to face the art group. As they pose for the artists, Lowri castigates him for his lack of enthusiasm. Looking down at his groin, she grins and adds, “It’s not like you should be ashamed of anything!”

“The Helicopter is at number 6!” says Joe. Footage from the boy’s street dancing dare follows: Dylan does half-a-dozen rotations of the Helicopter move, then steadies himself and back-flips into a standing position.

Another clip from today’s show is next, as we see in-car footage from the amazingly quick laps achieved by Ash, the blind driver, using Dylan’s co-driving skills. “Blind rallying is at number 5!” Trixie tells us, as the scenery flashes past the car at alarming speed.

“At number 4, it’s the Make ‘Em Laugh challenge!” Joe continues. We see Dylan trying desperately not to laugh as two of his Uni mates, dressed in drag and fat-suits, perform a striptease; and then give up completely as a row of elderly care-home residents attempt the ‘YMCA’ dance in their own, inimitable style.

“Mannie the mannequin is a hit at number 3!” Trixie remarks, as we watch Dylan dragging his plastic friend around the various rides and attractions at the theme park. After a race against Lowri on plastic trays, Dylan ends up submerged in a large pool as Mannie floats helplessly on the surface.

Alex Lovell is taken completely by surprise as Dylan sits himself down next to her on the BBC Points West studio sofa and plants a kiss on her cheek. “At number 2,” shares Joe, “it’s Dylan at the Beeb!” It quickly becomes apparent that Alex has got off lightly compared to her co-host, David Garmston, who is having to deal with Lowri. “I just wanted to come and get acquainted with Dave, here!” the Welsh bundle of trouble explains, as poor Dave squirms, seemingly having been touched, inappropriately, which causes Lowri to giggle.

“And at number 1,” declares Trixie, “it’s the incredible …, well I’ll let Lowri introduce it as only she can!”

Lowri appears on screen, looking flushed, and attempts to deliver her piece to camera. “Hello, and welcome to a very special What’s Up My Bum …” She can go no further, breaking down in fits of laughter. On her second attempt, she just about makes it all the way through, before having another giggling fit. The What’s Up My Bum challenge begins, and we see Dylan and another young man wiggling around, trying to identify a bulldog clip by means of their backsides! Dylan then pops a bag of crisps by sitting down too hard; and a young woman in a dress, giggles as she wiggles, correctly identifying a carrot ‘up her bum’!

When we return to them, Trixie and Joe are grinning at each other.

“Incredible!” exclaims Joe. “What would we have done without him?!”

“Okay, we’re nearly ready for Jaz to take on her final dare, and attempt to become Britain’s Most Daring,” Trixie informs us, “but, before she does, let’s take a look back at how she got here!”

50 metres above the O2 car park, Jaz looks into camera, puts a thumb up, and says, “Okay, here goes!” She turns, walks to the edge of the cage, and hurls herself into the air; gravity and the bungee cord do the rest. There follows a more familiar-style montage, as we see some of Jaz’s highlights. She rubs noses with a primary school teacher, to the delight of his class; an unfamiliar-looking Jaz, with shoulder-length brown hair, fishes a key out of a bucket of animal poo; then chews on a pig’s heart, before spitting it out. We then see her transformation, at the hands of her hairdresser friend, Sasha, into the cropped-blonde-haired Jaz we’ve got used to. At Bristol Harbourside, she’s singing ‘One Moment In Time’ to the gathered crowds; in the circus ring, she flies from her trapeze into the waiting arms of Dmitry, and then leaps back onto the empty trapeze. Blindfold, she reaches into Marcus’ shorts, her face turning bright red; she nibbles, tentatively, on fried earthworms; wide-eyed, she watches a knife hurtle towards her, missing the top of her head by a matter of 6 centimetres; she and Marcus are both blushing, as she has her hand inside his shorts again. We see her: on the catwalk, wearing a flowing ball gown; at work, in a male Boots uniform; and in an art class, standing, naked except for a series of black strips of tape, astride a child’s hobby horse. In night-vision black-and-white footage, she clutches Richie’s arm at the sound of a loud high-pitched scream; we hear her apologising profusely, as a rally car trundles slowly off the track and across the grass; and at Wembley Stadium, the other cheerleaders send Jaz flying into the air, where she does the splits and touches her toes, before landing safely in their arms and receiving an ovation from 90,000 fans.

“Hasn’t she been fantastic!?” Trixie says, when the montage ends, eliciting a prolonged round of applause.

“Now, a few weeks ago, this happened, …” Joe tells us, turning to look at the big screen.

Jaz approaches a police officer, asking him, “Excuse me, d’you think I could just give you a kiss on the cheek? It’s for a TV show!”

“You can,” he tells her, “on one condition!”

“What’s that?”

“You have to make sure you end up as Britain’s Most Daring champion!”

“I’ll try!” she promises, and reaches up to give him the kiss.

“Good luck!” he says. “I’ll be watching and cheering you on!”

“Well, sir,” continues Joe, “if you are watching, then prepare to start cheering really loud! Because here she is!”

Jaz enters, to more enthusiastic applause, looking incredibly nervous. Richie is by her side, once more, providing all the support he can.

“So, Jaz, this is it!” Trixie declares. “How are you feeling?”

“Oh, God!” Jaz replies. “My heart’s pounding! I’m just a bundle of nerves!”

“Well, in a moment, you’re going to have the chance to be officially confirmed as Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie reminds her.

“Let’s just remind worselves of the moment that brought you here!” interrupts Joe.

We see, again, Jaz shut her eyes and impulsively press the green button; she immediately opens her eyes and waits for the next dare to appear on the screen in front of her. When it doesn’t come, it dawns on her that she is one dare away from being crowned champion; one dare that she must complete! She leans back on the chair, looks up at the ceiling of the cubicle, and puts her hands over her face.

“What were you thinking, at that moment?” asks Trixie.

“I was like, what have I just done?!” confesses Jaz. “I had no idea how I was actually going to do the dare! I still don’t, really!”

“Well, it’s now time!” Trixie informs her. “I have to begin by asking, are you still going through with the dare?”

Jaz takes a deep breath, and nods her head. “Yes!” she confirms.

Trixie takes her hand, and leads her across the studio, with Joe and Richie following. They halt beside what looks like a doctor’s examination table, where a middle-aged man in a white coat is waiting for them. Next to the table is a small trolley, on which is a container holding a number of implements.

Trixie introduces the man to Jaz, and to us: “This is Greg; he’ll be doing your piercing!”

“Hi, Jaz,” Greg greets her, “if you’d just like to take your bra off and pop yourself onto the table!”

“What about my top?” she asks.

“You can keep that on!” he tells her.

She reaches beneath her top and wriggles herself out of her bra, giving it to Richie to hold, before sitting on the edge of the table and swinging her legs round and up.

“If you could lay down for me,” Greg requests, and Jaz complies.

“Okay, Jaz,” Trixie says, seriously, “this is your last chance to change your mind! Are you definitely doing this?”

Jaz pauses for just a moment, before pursing her lips and replying, “Yes!”

We switch to a close-up shot of Jaz, as she waits with trepidation for the procedure to begin. She reaches for Richie’s hand and clasps it tightly.

“Okay, Jaz, can you lift up your top for me!” Greg instructs. She lets go of Richie’s hand just long enough to pull her top up to her shoulders, and then resumes her grip. From the rise and fall of her chest, we can tell how rapid her breathing has become, as she tenses up.

Greg takes a metal clamp from the container, and places it over the nipple on her left breast. He tightens the clamp, gripping the nipple, and leaves it in place, as he turns and searches for the next thing he needs. Jaz grimaces a little, from the pressure the clamp is exerting on her nipple.

“Deep breath in!” Greg instructs. With a sterilised cannula needle in one hand, he takes hold of the clamp again, and pulls it, stretching her nipple. “And out!” As she exhales, quickly and expertly he inserts the needle into one side of her nipple. She winces, and lets out a quiet cry, as the pain hits her. He pushes the needle through her nipple, and leaves it in place, as he returns the clamp to the container. She bites her lip and looks up at Richie, who gives her a friendly smile in return.

“That really hurt!” she tells him.

“Nearly done!” he says, trying to encourage her.

Greg picks up the round metal bar, that forms the main part of her piercing, and pushes it through the inside of the cannula needle. She grimaces again, when Greg removes the needle, leaving the bar in place. He quickly screws the balls onto either end of the bar, and steps back.

“There! All done!” he announces.

Jaz looks down, to see what her nipple piercing looks like. Her face doesn’t give us any indication of what she thinks of it. Having let her take a look, Greg places a piece of gauze over her breast and sticks it in place with a couple of strips of surgical tape. Once that’s done, she pulls her top back down, sits up, and swings her legs round so that she is sitting on the table sideways-on. Richie puts an arm around her shoulder, and she breaks into a broad smile.

“Jaz, how was that?” Trixie asks. “We heard you say that it hurt! How bad was it?”

“It really hurt when the needle went in!” she reveals. “But the pain got less, and it’s not too bad now! I can still feel it, but it’s okay!”

Once Trixie has given him a subtle nod, Richie says to Jaz, “Come on, gal, let’s get you up!” She allows him to help her off the table.

Trixie, meanwhile, turns to the audience, and instructs, “Come on, everyone! Give her a massive round of applause!”

“She’s only gone and done it!” cries Joe. “Come on!”

One rapturous ovation later, Jaz is standing between Trixie and Joe, beaming from ear to ear.

“So, it’s official!” declares Trixie. “We have our champion!”

“But, before we crown her, let’s have a quick reaction from wor runner-up! He’s with Lowri!” says Joe.

“Dylan,” Lowri begins, “how are you feeling?”

“I’m really pleased for Jaz,” he declares, “she absolutely deserves it! Obviously, I’d have liked it to be me, but that’s not how it’s turned out, so …!”

“And overall, how has being on the show been for you?”

“I’ve absolutely loved it! We’ve had so much fun! I’ll never forget it! I’ve got loads of stories to tell the grand-kids when I’m old and senile!” he laughs.

“Well,” she puts her arm around his back, “I can honestly say I’ve had a fantastic time, keeping an eye on you! Thank you, so much!” She plants a kiss on his cheek, and pulls him closer into her, as she says, “Trixie, back to you!”

“Thanks, Lowri!” says Trixie. “So, here we are: the moment we’ve all been waiting for!”

“From thousands of hopefuls at the regional auditions, to the 15 daredevils that started out on the show; now we have wor champion!” states Joe.

“Yes, ladies and gentlemen, everyone at home,” Trixie continues, “I can officially say, Britain’s Most Daring is Jaz Longley! Richie, come and do the honours!”

Richie steps in, carrying the Britain’s Most Daring trophy, which consists of the letters B, M, and D, perched on a plinth and topped with an orb bearing the number 1. He hands it to Jaz and kisses her on each cheek.

“Well done, kidda!” he tells her, affectionately.

“Thanks!” she replies, her face one big smile and her eyes glistening. He steps back, out of the way, and to tumultuous applause, led by Trixie and Joe, Jaz raises the trophy above her head, looking around and taking in the scene.

“Jaz, many, many congratulations!” smiles Joe. “What does this mean to you?”

“Oh, it’s amazing! I’m just, … I don’t know!” she declares. “I never ever thought I’d get anywhere the final, so to end up here, like this, it’s just awesome! I don’t know what to say!”

“Have you enjoyed it?” Trixie asks.

“Oh God, yeah! I’ve had the most amazing time! Some of the things I’ve had a chance to do!” She pauses, and looks to her left. “But I couldn’t have done it without that man there!” she continues, pointing at Richie. “Come on, Richie, this is partly yours as well!” She holds an arm out, encouraging Richie to join her. When he does, she hands the trophy to Joe so that she can give Richie a proper hug.

“So, there you are!” Trixie turns to camera and says. “That’s the end of our quest! Jaz is Britain’s Most Daring!”

“Thank you so much for joining us and being part of this fabulous experience!” Joe adds. “We’ve all had an absolute blast, and we hope you have too!”

“Now, all that remains is for us to say, thank-you for watching, and good-bye!” Trixie concludes. “And, everyone, give it up one more time for Britain’s Most Daring … Jaz!”

Jaz and Riche hold the trophy aloft, as the applause thunders once more. Richie tries to get Jaz to take the trophy so that he can slip out of shot and give her the moment in the spotlight that she deserves, but she won’t let him. He whispers something to her, and she nods and takes the trophy in both hands. He crouches down, and she slips a leg either side of his head. Carefully, he stands back up, with Jaz sitting on his shoulders. This allows the camera to pan up and zoom in on the 23-year-old sales assistant, giving the show its perfect concluding shot.

There is no screen fade, this time, as the credits roll over the top of the shot of Jaz, smiling for all she’s worth, sat on Richie’s shoulders, the BMD trophy in one hand, waving to the camera with her other. Once the credits have ended, a simple caption comes up along the bottom of the screen: ‘Britain’s Most Daring : JAZ’, holding for a couple of seconds, before the screen finally fades to black and the caption melts away.

“That was incredible!” enthuses Lissie.

“I’m so pleased for her!” declares Eilidh, and there follows the sounds of general agreement from the rest of us.

“D’you think they’ll do another series?” asks Maddie.

“God, I hope so!” Lissie exclaims.

“I don’t know!” I say. “I suppose it will depend on how well this one has done in the ratings!”

“I hope they do!” Maddie reveals. “I might go in for it!”

[Curtis]

All right, obviously I’ve overstepped my bounds, so before I get to the good stuff, the necessary apologia:

Quote Curtis: “Rally-car racing should be more involved than they think it is, though not at all dangerous. Back in high school my second-best friend’s older brother did a LOT of rallies, and he made it seem very involved and difficult, the idea being to finish in as close to the established time as possible WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE ESTABLISHED TIME IS. Much more difficult than just trying to finish first. …and your rally is nothing like that.”

Quote alli55: “But the dare wasn't to enter a rally, it was to co-drive for a rally driver around a particular course ... with the twist that the driver was blind. Never mind keeping to a time, or even going fastest…”

Quote DD: “I dare you to be a co-driver in a rally car, with a proper rally driver beside you, trying to get around the course as quickly as possible!” —
Okay, first, I write these notes out as I get to the places that I’m noting; I don’t read through the chapter — much less the whole episode — then go back and write something up that makes me look smart. It’s all reaction-in-the-moment, which is why I include a fair amount of backpedaling… such as the bit after the ellipsis in the quote you made of me, above. That was added when I read further and realized nothing I’d written was relevant to your story.
Second, that having been said, I apologize for my tone there, as upon re-reading it I can see where it might annoy you; I should have phrased differently.
Third, I took the liberty of quoting the dare as it was originally presented, meaning the specific thing I was commenting upon. Looking at it again, I still think my notes were valid. Granted, every rally I’ve ever heard of was a road rally on public streets/roads, not on a closed course like the one used in the dare, but the path rally cars take in a rally is called a ‘course’.
So, to sum up, I think I was right to comment, and I should’ve been more careful about how I phrased my comment. Most of the time I’m not trying to criticize, but to comment, and I’m sorry I didn’t get that across.

“I'm also acutely aware of how much time and effort it has taken everyone to read ... and I'm so, so grateful to each of you who has stuck with it. I really hope you have found it worth sticking with!” — Well, it was certainly worth periodically re-visiting to see how it had progressed! I don’t know whether my reading slowed over time or your chapters got longer, but when I looked over episodes 6, 7 & 8 it took four hours, inclusive of writing my response. Episodes 9, 10 & 11 took five hours, and as mentioned previously, episodes 12, 13 and most of 14 took six-and-a-half. Part of that is due to my responses getting longer, I’m sure! Anyway, I know that I type about twenty times as fast as I read, so that would imply that you have no life outside of making these posts. I am in awe.

And now, on to the final two chapters…
******
“You’ve done well! But you’ve won nothing, yet; and no-one remembers the runner-up!” — I’ve been wondering about this since the beginning: What’s the prize? In America you couldn’t get anyone who’s finished school to go through this for free. I know on our reality shows the reward is usually tremendous, but there’s been no mention of it to date. And over here the runners-up (runner-ups?) often become more famous than the winners. Wasn’t that true of Susan Boyle over there? Do you remember who she finished second to? (I didn’t; I thought it was a church choir, but it was a dance troupe I’ve never heard of.)

“If they do, then they will be crowned Britain’s Most Daring. If they don’t complete it to the DAPAs satisfaction, then their opponent will win, by default.” — Interesting. This involves more gamesmanship than daring, since the person who doesn’t accept doesn’t have to perform any dare at all to win. The idea would seem to be to push the bid two or three stops beyond where you’d really back out, then concede, hoping your opponent had been doing the same thing, but waited one bid too long to trap you. I don’t like it, but I understand why it was set up that way. If both of them had to perform very many dares to win, they could easily run over the allotted time, which is very bad for a live show.

For most of the don’t say no’ dares my eyes would’ve been bulging, and for the last couple before the nipple piercing I’d’ve been making odd little sounds, but I think I could go through with the piercing, as long as they didn’t throw in any ‘you’re not allowed to shriek’ caveats.

Really, a trophy? I assume the contestants knew that going in, or else that would be the worst surprise in the history of game shows.

Hugging Richie also surprised me. I assume this was a one-armed hug on the side that didn’t get pierced.
******
Well, sadly, I felt a bit let-down at the end. I was expected more denouement than that, though I can see why you'd cut it short, considering how long the chapter had already gone.

I've already said what I liked best about the show; what I like best about the story is the incredible detail you've stuck in everywhere — the presenters' clothing changing from week to week; the expressions on everyone's faces; even Richie's lift of Jaz at the end; and on, and on…. The level of detail absolutely boggles my mind.

Take a turn along the runway; you deserve it.

[Jojo246]

i just want to again say what a brilliant story this was i have read all 3? of your stories and each one is unique but enjoyable and i hope there's many more to come

[alli55]

All right, obviously I’ve overstepped my bounds, so before I get to the good stuff, the necessary apologia: ...

...Most of the time I’m not trying to criticize, but to comment, and I’m sorry I didn’t get that across.

No apology necessary, and you are free to criticise as much as you like - it helps me focus on areas that I can improve in the future. I just felt you had missed the point a little, ... but then I also missed the point of your point in my reply (I hope you're following this). So honours even, and I love that you go to such great length with your comments.

... so that would imply that you have no life outside of making these posts. I am in awe.

And now you've sussed me out completely!
This story took on a life of its own, and its life then took over mine! I am now going for a lie down in a darkened room.
After that, apparently there's something could outdoors where you can do all sorts of stuff - I might try that

What’s the prize? In America you couldn’t get anyone who’s finished school to go through this for free.

Well, that's the difference between you Americans and us Brits. Give us the chance to make a fool of ourselves on TV and that is reward enough! As Jessie J said, "it's not about the money"!

Well, sadly, I felt a bit let-down at the end. I was expected more denouement than that, though I can see why you'd cut it short, considering how long the chapter had already gone.

I just felt that it was the end of the show, and I didn't want a long postmortem. And you know, better than anyone, the problem I can have ending things

I've already said what I liked best about the show; what I like best about the story is the incredible detail you've stuck in everywhere — the presenters' clothing changing from week to week; the expressions on everyone's faces; even Richie's lift of Jaz at the end; and on, and on…. The level of detail absolutely boggles my mind.

Thank you, once again, for your kind words. I'll happily settle for mind-boggling as a description of my writing style!

[alli55]

Originally Posted by Jojo246

i just want to again say what a brilliant story this was i have read all 3? of your stories and each one is unique but enjoyable and i hope there's many more to come

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate the fact that you've stuck with the story and been so complimentary about it. You must have some serious staying power!!

As for more stories: I have one in the very early stages of writing, ... and it is, again, very different from the 3 so far. I'm hoping to get going properly with it over the summer, and with a bit of luck it will be ready for posting early in the autumn.

[apu-apu]

It was an excellent story- I really like your style.
the persons in it were well described, they became alive in my mind and one could realte to them. And, further more as a non-native speaker, I learned some things about the English language, probably more than in college.
I always enjoy it, when I can look over a craftsman's shoulder, which needs somebody who asks the right questions, so also a thank you to Curtis.

apu-apu

[Jojo246]

Originally Posted by alli55

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate the fact that you've stuck with the story and been so complimentary about it. You must have some serious staying power!!


As for more stories: I have one in the very early stages of writing, ... and it is, again, very different from the 3 so far. I'm hoping to get going properly with it over the summer, and with a bit of luck it will be ready for posting early in the autumn.

I've not had a complaint yet! i look forward to reading it promise me you'll go and enjoy that bjg ball of light in tbe sky we dont often have in this part of the world

[Curtis]

Originally Posted by apu-apu

And, further more as a non-native speaker, I learned some things about the English language, probably more than in college.
I always enjoy it, when I can look over a craftsman's shoulder, which needs somebody who asks the right questions, so also a thank you to Curtis.

apu-apu

Well, you're welcome; I'm glad I could contribute something.