[Fiction] Britain's Most Daring

[Edgeandenial]

Looking forward to more updates !

[alli55]

“When do you think Gemma will be on?” Lissie asks no-one in particular.

“How do I know?” her Dad replies. “What am I, a clairvoyant?”

The theme music interrupts any comeback there might have been from Lissie, thank goodness!

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring!” says Trixie. “Our daredevils have been taking on their first dares this week, with mixed success so far.”

“That’s right!” continues Joe. “James and Shanumi have done themselves proud, but poor Bex looks like she could be staring the Live Dare-Off in the face!”

“But there are plenty more to go, so she may yet escape!” Trixie adds, by way of encouragement. “Let’s see how Bradley and Mia found their dare! Olly takes up the story.”

The screen shows Olly casually leaning back against a horizontal metal pole, that forms part of the fence dividing the path he is stood on from a sandy beach. It is definitely not a day for being on the beach, though, as we see large waves breaking spectacularly behind him, and the wind is playing havoc with his extravagant hairstyle! He is looking cold, having foregone a coat in order to show off his tall, striking frame in a checked shirt with long sleeves and smart-casual trousers.

“Faced with the prospect of having to convince people they are foreigners,” he tells us, “Bradley and Mia have both had the same idea of how to go about this, as Mia explains.”

We see Mia standing next to Olly on the seafront, which we now assume is in her hometown, Weymouth. She is telling Olly about her idea.

“I think the best way to do this is if I pretend to be a tourist from abroad. That way I can just kind of mingle with the crowd and ask people things in a foreign accent!”

“Have you got anywhere in mind?” Olly asks her.

“Well, I need somewhere that lots of foreign tourists go to, so I thought about going up to London,” she says, “but then I thought of somewhere closer that would be really cool!”

“And where’s that?”

“Stonehenge.”

The scene changes and we see Olly standing on a gravel path that leads to some wooden buildings. On the side of one of these buildings is a sign: ‘Welcome to Wookey Hole’, it reads.

The camera pans round to show Bradley walking towards us. When he reaches Olly, he stops to answer the presenter’s questions.

“Bradley,” Olly begins, “welcome to Wookey Hole! Have you been before?”

“Yeah,” Bradley answers, “I came when I was a kid.”

“So, what’s the idea?” asks Olly.

Bradley reveals his strategy: “I’m going to pretend to be an Australian tourist. I want to do the tour with a decent-sized group, so that there are plenty of people to talk to and get me a better score for my dare.”

“Sounds like a plan!” says Olly. “How’s your Australian accent?”

“It’s not bad, mate!” Bradley replies, in an embarrassingly-bad Australian accent.

“Hmmm, good luck with that!” says Olly, as he looks into camera and raises his eyebrows.

We see Bradley walk off towards the entrance to Wookey Hole, before the scene changes once more. Now, Olly and Mia are standing side-by-side, with the distinctive stones visible behind them.

“Well, here we are at Stonehenge,” Olly informs us, rather unnecessarily given what we can see in the background. “So, Mia, have you decided on an accent?” he asks his companion.

“Well I did French GCSE, so I might try that,” she says, “maybe if I throw in a few French words as well, it will make it more convincing!”

“And if that fails?” Olly surprisingly asks, seeming to show little confidence in Mia’s ability.

“If that fails, then,” she replies, “does Welsh count as foreign?”

The shot widens and we see groups of people milling about. Mia turns and walks towards the nearest of them.

Over this shot we hear Olly say, “Bradley and Mia are ready for their day as foreign tourists. So, how will they get on? Let’s take a look!”

This leads into a montage of Mia, at Stonehenge, and Bradley, at Wookey Hole, both trying to pass themselves off as foreign tourists. Mia approaches various groups, and throws in a few French words and phrases, as she told us she would, to add to her passable French accent. We see Bradley hanging around near the entrance to the caves, waiting for a large-enough group of people to gather. After a sequence of shots of Mia wandering around Stonehenge with various other tourists, happily chatting with all of them, we return to Bradley as he finally latches on to a group and heads underground. We then see him at points along the tour where the guide has stopped to show them something of particular interest. He asks the guide a couple of questions in his mangled Aussie accent, and also attempts to engage his fellow tourists in conversation. Without exception, they try to ignore him. As the montage comes towards its conclusion, it is clear that Mia is having more success than Bradley, possibly because of her ability to add a few French phrases to her repertoire. The montage ends with Bradley turning to camera and exclaiming, “This is hopeless!”

“So, Bradley,” asks Trixie, once the film has ended and the applause subsided, “was it that bad?”

“Yes,” he says, “for a start there was hardly anyone there, which didn’t help. And I couldn’t get the accent quite right.”

Joe looks at him in mock disbelief. “Have you never seen Neighbours?”

Bradley just looks at Joe, smiles, and shrugs.

“What made you choose an Australian accent?” Joe asks him.

“I thought I could do one!”

“And, now, …?

Bradley gives an embarrassed cough. “It might have been a mistake!” he concedes.

Trixie rests her hand on his arm, sympathetically, as she says, “Shall we see what the DAPAs say about it?”

The DAPAs are unimpressed, with Dan giving him 4 and Danielle just 3, making a combined score of 7, which is going to leave him vulnerable. Bradley nods his head slightly, acknowledging that the score, whilst low, is deserved.

“Well, Bradley,” Trixie tells him what he must already know, “that could leave you in the Dare-Off. How d’you feel?”

“Let’s hope some of the others are even worse!” he says, optimistically.

As the studio audience applaud, the camera swings from Trixie and Bradley to Joe and Mia.

“So, Mia,” begins Joe, “how did your sightseeing go?”

“Stonehenge was great!” Mia replies.

“What about the dare?” Joe asks.

“Yeah, that went okay!” she tells him. “There weren’t as many people as I was expecting, but I managed to talk to quite a few.”

Trixie has joined the pair, and asks Mia, “And how long did it take them to rumble you?”

“I don’t think any of them did,” Mia says, confidently.

“Are you sure about that?” Joe asks, with a hint of menace in his voice.

“Fairly,” she offers, visibly losing confidence.

“Let’s see, shall we?!” he says.

We see Olly, still at Stonehenge, with a couple who look to be in their sixties and we assume are husband and wife. The man looks into camera and speaks with an exaggerated comedy French accent.

“Leesten very keffully, I shall say zees only wernce! Zat girl, she ees not French. I sink she ees barmee!”

The audience laugh appreciatively, though it is quite likely that a lot of the younger members won’t fully understand the joke. When we return to the studio shot, it is obvious that Mia is among those who don’t get it. Rather than ruin the effect by having to explain it all, Joe simply hands over to his co-presenter.

“What are you thinking, Trixie?” he asks.

“I think we need to go over to the DAPAs!” she tells him.

Mia is thoroughly unimpressed and disappointed when the DAPAs award her a total of 11 points, 6 from Dan and 5 from Danielle. Although it will, almost certainly, keep her safe from the Dare-Off, it’s lower than she thinks she deserves. The audience’s groans suggest they agree with her. She indicates her displeasure with a slow shake of her head.

“The DAPAs didn’t seem to like your attempt, Mia!” Trixie tells her.

“I don’t get it!” Mia complains. “Just because one old man thinks he’s funny they go and knock me down like that? I mean, come on!”

The audience applaud, as they decide to back Mia in her dispute with the DAPAs. For their part, the DAPAs just shrug and shake their heads in response.

“The DAPAs are not making themselves popular!” Joe comments.

“But they’re not here to win friends,” Trixie reminds us, “they’re here to analyse dare attempts. So, let’s give them some more to analyse! Joe, what have we got for them?”

“We’re going to see Mitchell, Tommy, and Eilidh, attempting to demonstrate their celebrity status to unsuspecting members of the public!”

A slightly longer montage follows, as the three daredevils try various methods to convince people that they are famous. …

… In his early appearances in the montage, we see Tommy showing us an image, on his phone, of Sean Bean. Next, he indicates that he thinks his own weather-beaten features might make people mistake him for the famous actor, and decides to play that card. …

… Right from the start, Mitchell goes for the ‘dress like a celeb, be mistaken for a celeb’ approach that worked so well for Shanumi, only, to begin with at least, he hasn’t quite taken it to the same level that she did. …

… Eilidh, meanwhile, is seen striking up conversations with random strangers on park benches, with little success. The most common reaction of her victims appears to be to simply get up and walk away! …

… Mitchell gradually adds more bling to his celebrity get-up, but it doesn’t seem to be getting him any more success. …

… Eilidh continues to harass her fellow park-goers, but it is becoming noticeable that she is targeting old ladies. We are left to wonder if she is taking advantage of the more confused members of society …

… Tommy has found an elderly lady of his own, and his OAP is determined to get a hug from the friendly man she has happened to meet in the street! Tommy obliges, but then looks increasingly uncomfortable when she won’t let go of him! …

… Mitchell appears to have met with some success, as we see him surrounded by a group of children, several of whom are asking for selfies. We have no idea who they think he is! …

… The montage finishes with a shot of Eilidh sitting on a bench with yet another pair of pensioners. She is telling them all about her role in Hollyoaks. Judging by their blank expressions, not only do they not recognise Eilidh, they almost certainly have never heard of Hollyoaks either!

We return to the studio, where the three daredevils are sat in the middle three seats of the front row of chairs, with Joe and Trixie sat on either end.

“So,” Trixie says to Mitchell, “we saw Shanumi demonstrate the effectiveness of a flashy appearance, but did it work for you?”

“Not really,” Mitchell admits, “I don’t think the people of Winchester are really into the whole celebrity thing!”

Joe leans forward so Mitchell can see him more easily, and asks, “Mitchell, where was your limo?”

Mitchell laughs, and we hear Shanumi giggling behind him. “I never thought of that,” he confesses.

“Well did you convince anyone?” asks Trixie.

“I did get a group of kids thinking I’d been in a couple of Star Wars films!” Mitchell tells us.

“Well,” Joe says, picking up the Star Wars reference, “will the force be with you, or will wor two Darth DAPAs be your downfall? Let’s find out!”

Actually, it’s somewhere in between. Mitchell gets a 7 from Dan and a 6 from Danielle, who seems to be consistently marking lower than her fellow DAPA, making a total of 13. He’s reasonably happy with that, and the audience’s applause is warm.

Turning to Tommy, Joe says, somewhat incredulously, “Sean Bean?”

“Yeah?” replies Tommy.

“Have you ever looked in a mirror?” Joe asks.

“I take the odd glance, now and then.”

“It must be a very odd glance!”

Trixie intervenes. “Did you find anyone else who thought there was a resemblance?” she asks Tommy.

“To be honest, half the people didn’t seem to know who Sean Bean was!” he tells her. “I thought I looked like him,” he adds, “but I might be the only one who does!”

“I think you are, mate!” Joe confirms. “DAPAs …?”

The DAPAs award Tommy 4 points each, possibly just for the sheer nerve of trying to be Sean Bean. The overall score of 8 leaves him in the bottom three at this point.

“I’ll take that!” he tells Trixie when she asks him what he thinks of his score. The audience respond well to his positivity.

“Eilidh, where were you,” Joe begins, “in a park or in the garden of the local home for the bewildered?”

The studio audience laugh, as does Eilidh. “It was a park,” she tells Joe. “Really, it was!” she adds, when he looks at her suspiciously.

He continues on the same theme. “So, did you target the care home residents on their day out?” he asks her, eliciting more laughs.

“No,” Eilidh assures him, “it just looks like that!”

“How do you think it went?” asks Trixie.

“They were all lovely,” Eilidh tells her, “and I’m sure some of them actually believed I was a young film actress. It’s just doesnae come across in the film. No-one wanted a selfie, but I dinnae think they even know what a selfie is!”

“I’m not sure many of them know what a phone is!” quips Joe.

“Okay, DAPAs, let’s have your scores for Eilidh, please!” instructs Trixie.

Eilidh’s technique of trying to confuse the elderly of Greenock appears to have achieved enough to keep her safe, as the DAPAs give her a 6 and a 5, split in the usual way with Dan awarding the higher score.

She is perfectly happy with her score, as she tells Trixie. “That’s a wee bit better than I thought, so I’m very happy with that! Anything that keeps me away from the Dare-Off is fine by me!”

“So, at this stage,” Trixie sums up for us, “it’s Tommy, Bradley and Bex facing the Dare-Off, but that could still all change! See you after the break for more Britain’s Most Daring!”

“It’s looking good for Gemma, isn’t it!?” Maddie says. “She should easily get more than 8, so she shouldn’t have to worry about the Dare-Off!”

“I would have thought so!” I agree.

[alli55]

I take advantage of the ad-break to go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of fruit juice. I make a second one, when Phil works out what I’m doing and requests one as well.

Lissie is getting increasingly impatient to see Gemma in action, but, as Maddie explains, we are only halfway through the show’s 90-minute slot in the Channel 4 schedule, so there’s plenty of time yet for her to feature.

“I hope it’s soon!” Lissie remarks.

We’ll find out shortly, as the theme music begins once more.

“Thanks for joining us,” says Trixie, launching the next part of the show, “as we continue to check out our daredevils’ first dare on Britain’s Most Daring!”

“We’ve seen 8 of wor daredevils so far,” says Joe, “so there’s plenty more to check out!”

“Let’s see some more unbelievable foreigners, shall we?!” suggests Trixie. “Take it away, Ayla and Keenan!”

The next montage provides us with a compare and contrast exercise, as it quickly becomes evident that Ayla and Keenan have taken very different approaches to the same dare …

… Right from the start of the montage, we see Keenan at different tourist spots in Central London, conversing with people in a variety of mangled accents. Each time we return to him, at a new London landmark, Keenan’s accent changes slightly. He is getting lots of attention, and an equal number of puzzled looks. But, it’s in Trafalgar Square that he faces his biggest challenge, as he gets caught up in an argument between two competing tour guides. They both want him to join their tour, and spend some time explaining how much better their tour is than their rival’s. Poor Keenan, who we think is attempting a German accent, though his delivery makes it quite hard to tell, attempts to be diplomatic at first. When this doesn’t work, he tells them that he has to be at Piccadilly Circus shortly to meet a friend. They don’t believe him, and continue trying to enlist him on their respective tours. Eventually, he spots a police officer, and asks for help, in his mangled accent. The officer helpfully warns the guides to stop harassing tourists, but then, once the guides have moved off, asks Keenan why he is pretending to be a foreign tourist. Keenan admits that he is simply doing it for a dare. “Maybe, don’t!” he advises …

… Each time we see Ayla, however, at least in the first half of the montage, she is at home practising her American accent. She is having trouble, though, eliminating her natural Edinburgh lilt. Her method of practising appears to consist of watching a classic Hollywood movie and trying to repeat the lines. Never mind ‘There’s Something About Mary’, there’s very definitely something about Ayla’s approach to this dare! Despite all her film-based research, Ayla’s American accent is not actually improving any! Needing to get her dare done, though, she heads off to a popular tourist destination and sets to work. So it is that in the latter part of the montage, we see her at Edinburgh Castle, where she is trying to pass herself off as an American student. This doesn’t appear to be meeting with much success; or, as one disbelieving young lad tells her, “If you’re American, then I’m Donald Trump!”; and that he most definitely isn’t! …

… Keenan, meanwhile, signs off the montage from the gates of Buckingham Palace, with a fairly French-sounding, “back to ze studio!”

In the studio, Ayla is sat with her head in her hands, unable to watch her own attempts at the dare. She looks up when Trixie speaks to her.

“You don’t appear very happy with how that went, Ayla!” she remarks.

“That was absolutely terrible!” Ayla exclaims. “I hated it!”

“Maybe you’re just too Scottish!” suggests Trixie.

“I’m no having that!” Ayla retorts. “There’s no such thing as ‘too Scottish’!”

The audience applaud loudly, backing up one of their favourite daredevils.

“Why an American accent?” asks Trixie.

“I can’t really do accents,” Ayla admits, “so I thought if I tried to copy the voices in the big American movies, that might be my best hope.”

“Well, let’s see what the DAPAs have to say!” Trixie looks at Dan and Danielle, awaiting their verdict.

It’s another low score, with the two DAPAs in agreement, awarding just 3 points each. Ayla holds her head in her hands again, as Trixie explains how that leaves her in the bottom three, facing the Dare-Off. Further along the row of chairs, Tommy looks relieved as he escapes that fate.

“Keenan,” Joe begins, “if nothing else, it looks like you got a fair bit of sightseeing in!”

Keenan laughs. “Yeah, I pretty much done the proper tourist route round the sights!”

Joe continues, mischievously, “But did you have to try a different accent at each one?”

Keenan laughs again. “Oh, mate, you have no idea! I just couldn’t get one that I was really happy with, so I swapped about a bit!”

“And did you actually know what any of them were supposed to be?”

“I think they were all vaguely European! With Brexit and all that, it doesn’t really matter where in Europe, does it?!”

“That’s one way of looking at it!” says Joe. “Let’s see if the DAPAs agree!”

The DAPAs are divided on this one, with Dan awarding 7 points but Danielle giving only 5. Still, a total score of 12 leaves Keenan happy enough.

“Yep,” he says, “that’s fair enough! Nice one, Dan!”

We see a shot of the DAPAs: Dan is showing no emotion, but Danielle has her arms crossed and is looking at Dan and shaking her head.

“Okay,” says Trixie, “five daredevils still to see, so let’s take a look at our next group: Dylan, Jaz, and Tariq!”

Lissie can’t believe that we’re still not going to see Gemma. A loud and exaggerated sigh indicates her displeasure.

A lengthy montage follows, intermingling three very different approaches to the ‘convince strangers you’re famous’ dare: …

… Dylan, with help from fellow members of the Swansea Uni Dare Club, has somehow managed to persuade a local bookstore to hold a book signing session for a random novel from off the shelves. The Dare Clubbers have acquired 20 copies of the book, ready for Dylan to sign. Quite why the bookstore is going along with all this isn’t clear! Having stayed up all night reading the book, so that he can at least talk meaningfully to people about its plot and characters, Dylan tries to master a convincing signature for the author, one Neville Broadhurst. “I want something quite flamboyant,” he tells us, “but which I can actually do the same each time!” In the end, he drops the flamboyance for something closer to his normal writing, so that at least all the autographs will look fairly similar! Amazingly, people fall for this prank, and, over a series of shots in the latter half of the montage we see Dylan happily signing copies for people interested in purchasing ‘his’ book! …

… Jaz also enlists help, in her case from her older sister. Nicki is a teacher at a local primary school, and although she is Jaz’s sister, they reason that the kids in Nicki’s class will count as strangers. The two sisters approach the school’s headmistress and explain what they want to do, and why they want to do it. “Basically,” Nicki tells the head, “we’d like Jaz to come in and spend some time talking with the class about children’s book illustrations. Only, we’d tell them that she’s a famous children’s artist!” The head, unsurprisingly, is concerned that the children are going to very disappointed by their not-at-all-famous artist visitor, but Jaz assures her that she can draw pretty well, and she promises that all the children will have a picture to take home. That satisfies the head, and so, the next time we see her, Nicki is telling her class that they are going to have a visit from a famous children’s artist, whose illustrations have appeared in a number of well-known books. When Jaz enters the classroom, the kids are as excited as you would expect a class of 7-and-8-year-olds to be. They listen attentively as she tells them briefly about drawing pictures for children’s books, but what they really want is for her to draw them a picture! Fortunately, Jaz is able to back up her story with some more-than-competent pictures that she draws for the awestruck kids; and, as promised, all the children go home with a picture to remember the day they met a famous artist. Until their parents watch this, of course! …

… We see Tariq hanging around a series of hard-surface football pitches in various parts of London. He has decided to use his footballing skills to pass himself off as an up-and-coming player at top local professional club, Queens Park Rangers. He’s a keen QPR fan, so he knows enough about the club to convince the kids who are having a kickabout with him. He challenges them to see who can do the most keepy-uppys, something he is particularly good at, and they marvel at his ability to keep the ball off the ground for so long. He’s getting his dare done and making a load of kids very happy at the same time! But, at the end of the montage, he confesses to feeling slightly guilty about lying to the kids like he has!

The montage’s conclusion is greeted with a tumultuous round of applause, accompanied by whistling and whooping, as the audience recognises three very impressive dare attempts. Dylan, Jaz, and Tariq are all looking pleased with themselves, as well they might!

“Well that was something else!” remarks Trixie.

“That, folks,” adds Joe, addressing the viewing public, “is how to do a dare properly!”

“So, Dare Club?” Trixie asks Dylan.

“It’s not an official club,” he explains, “but seven or eight of us are really into daring each other to do stupid stuff, so we regard it as a sort of club. But that was the best one we’ve ever done!”

“How did you get the bookstore to agree?” Joe asks one of the questions we all want answered.

“It’s an independent store,” Dylan replies, “owned by the uncle of one of our Dare Club members, so we just explained what we were trying to do and he was properly up for it!”

“And, was ‘your’ book any good?” Joe enquires, cheekily.

“I honestly can’t remember much of it!” Dylan admits. “Either I was really zonked after reading it, or it must have been crap!”

Trixie turns her attention to Tariq and Jaz. “And you two,” she says, “I suppose you feel quite pleased with yourselves for disillusioning children like that!”

Tariq and Jaz look at each other, neither particularly wanting to have to provide a justifiable defence against the allegation. After a short pause, Tariq bites the bullet.

“Like I said at the end of the film,” he points out, “I wasn’t totally happy, but you gotta do what you gotta do, at the end of the day, innit!”

“And what have you got to say for yourself?” Trixie asks Jaz.

Jaz looks uncomfortable, but says, quietly, “Well, at least they all had a nice picture to take home!”

Joe comes to her defence. “I told you, Trixie,” he says, “you do a dare properly; you take no prisoners!”

“Well, let’s see if the DAPAs agree!” Trixie replies.

With three daredevils to be judged, the DAPAs get their longest exposure yet. Prompted by Trixie, they give Dylan 15 points overall, Dan awarding 8 and Danielle 7; Jaz gets 8 from both DAPAs, putting her in joint first place with Shanumi, on 16 points; Tariq, for some reason which the audience can’t fathom, receives 8 from Danielle but only 6 from Dan, giving him 14 in total.

Joe is able to shed some light on Tariq’s low score from Dan. “Unfortunately, Tariq,” he says, “you chose the wrong team! DAPA Dan’s a Chelsea fan, so QPR was never going to cut it with him!” There is a mixture of cheers and boos from the audience, as football allegiances temporarily take over.

Despite this, all three are very pleased with their high scores. With her position as joint leader confirmed, Jaz is particularly happy.

“I can’t believe it!” she tells Trixie. “It’s amazing!”

“We’ve got just two daredevils left to see,” Trixie informs us, in case we haven’t been keeping track of things. “We’ll see Gemma and Matt in action after the break. Join us, then, for more Britain’s Most Daring!”

“Those poor kids!” Lissie exclaims. “That was so mean! Making them think they were meeting a proper artist! I bet they were really upset when they found out!”

“Maybe, but I bet they were really excited when they found out they were going to be on TV!” her sister tells her.

Lissie hasn’t thought of that. She has to concede that being on TV is probably more exciting than meeting a book illustrator.

[alli55]

The excitement in our living room, particularly on the floor of our living room judging by the frantic movement of Lissie’s foot, is building as we get ever nearer to the end of the adverts. We haven’t actually seen Gemma do a dare yet, so we are all eagerly awaiting her appearance, itching to see how she got on with her dare of pretending to be a foreigner. We are all fairly confident that she will do well, but you never know, do you?!

The theme music plays once more, and all three of us that are on a seat subconsciously lean forward. Lissie is no longer sprawled on the floor; she is now sitting cross-legged and also leaning closer in to the TV.

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie says once more, before reminding us of the situation. “We have just two people left to see,” she says and looks towards the daredevils, “which, unfortunately, Bex, means you are definitely in the Dare-Off! Ayla and Bradley, you still have a chance to escape, depending on how our last pair get on.”

“Here’s Lisa to tell us what happened to Matt and Gemma,” adds Joe.

Lisa is standing on a building site, next to Matt. Her hard-hat and hi-vis jacket look ridiculous on her: the hat is perched on the top of her head, balancing on the large bobble that she has used to keep her hair tied in its usual ponytail; and the jacket is clearly feeling the strain put on it by her ample chest!

Lissie groans, as the agony is prolonged just a little more!

“So, Matt,” she begins, “you supposed to be a foreigner! So, what are we doing on this building site?”

“I’m starting on a new site this week, so nobody knows me here. So, I’m going to pass myself off as a Polish builder!” he reveals.

“You mean cheaper and more reliable than your regular British builder?!” she teases.

“Something like that!”

“So, what’s first?”

“I’ve got to go and see the site manager,” Matt tells her.

We see Matt in a portacabin, which is serving as the site office, talking with a man in a jacket and tie, who we assume must be the site manager. Lisa provides a voiceover to tell us what exactly we are seeing.

“Matt has to bring the site manager in on his plan, because otherwise he’s not getting a paypacket in his own name at the end of the week! The manager is happy to go along with the ruse, and so, for this week only, Matt the builder becomes Matteusz the Polish builder!”

“So, Matteusz,” Lisa giggles, “how do you like it here in Manchester?”

“It is, how you say it, very raining!” Matt answers, with a grin, in a dubious East European accent. Clearly, if he is going to fool his fellow workers, he’s going to have to work on his accent, or maybe act all shy and untalkative!

The scene switches to a riverside park, where Lisa strolls along talking into camera, her chest swaying with each step, a fact that her lurid pink sweatshirt is drawing our attention to. “We’ll check out how Matt got on in a moment,” she tells us, “but now, I’m here in Newcastle, because I’ve had a tip-off that Gemma’s got a plan!”

“At last!” sighs Lissie.

Another scene change takes us into a small office, where Gemma is seated at a desk, working away on a computer. The intercom next to her buzzes, and we hear a man’s voice say, “Gemma, can you come in here, please?”

“I’ll be right in!” Gemma informs the voice, and, as she gets up, Lisa’s voiceover tells us, “Gemma has been called into her boss’s office”, just in case we hadn’t worked that out for ourselves. The camera follows her in and we see her boss seated at a desk of his own. He looks up when Gemma enters.

“Ah, Gemma,” he says to her, “I’ve got a special job I need you to do for me.”

“Ohh, I can see why Stacie says that Gemma likes her boss!” remarks Maddie.

“Woo-oooh!” taunts Lissie. “Maddie fancies Gemma’s boss!”

Maddie blushes as she realises she has voiced her thoughts aloud.

Gemma’s boss continues, “We’ve got a special brochure, showing our new range, that we want existing and potential clients to take up. Marketing have come up with a list of priority clients that they want to be the focus of the first wave. I need you to phone each of them and explain why we’re sending them a brochure.” He hands her two pieces of paper. “Here’s a list of the clients, with their phone numbers; and Marketing have also put together a script for you to use.”

Gemma takes the pieces of paper. “I’ll get straight on to it,” she tells her boss.

Back in her own office, Gemma is sitting, drinking from a cup of coffee. Sitting alongside her is Lisa, who is also holding a coffee cup in her hand.

“You’re looking pleased with yourself!” Lisa tells Gemma.

“Yeah, I am!” she says. “The special task that Chris wants me to do has given me an idea of how I can do my dare.”

“What’s your idea?”

“Well, when I ring each of the people on this list,” she says, brandishing a piece of paper, “I’m going to pretend to be foreign and speak in a foreign accent! I reckon there are over 100 names on this list, so that should help me get a good score! So long as I can get my accent right!”

“So, what accent are you going to try?”

Gemma considers her options: “Well, I reckon I could do a decent French accent, probably; and maybe a German one; or Spanish, possibly, I don’t know, maybe not Spanish.” She looks up as she decides, sort of! “I think French is my best one, but I might do a few German ones, just to mix it up a bit!”

Back at the riverside park, Lisa says, “Well, we’ll see whether Gemma’s accents pass muster a bit later on! But, how’s Matteusz the Polish builder getting on? Let’s find out!”

The scene switches back to the building site, where Matt is in charge of a cement mixer, which is slowly turning, as it mixes the cement, strangely enough!

“Oi, Matty!” calls a man laying bricks, “hurry up with that! We haven’t got all day! We’re not in Poland now, you know!”

“I cin only go the same fast as theese macheene!” Matteusz replies. “How I am to go faster?”

“Yeah, yeah,” the bricklayer retorts, “I thought you lot were supposed to be hard working! That’s a load of, isn’t it!?”

“Here, you git buckit,” Matteusz tells his bolshy colleague, “end you cin heff load of theese!”

As we watch Matt tipping cement into several large buckets, Lisa’s voiceover informs us, “Despite a good start to his week as Matteusz, the longer it goes on the more Matt is finding his Polish accent difficult to maintain, and some of his workmates are becoming suspicious.”

Matt and three others are sat on a scaffolding plank about two metres above the ground, eating their packed lunches. They banter with each other as they eat.

“Matty,” asks one, “how come all your Polish words have loads of zeds in them?

“What you mean?” Matteusz replies.

“It’s like, all ess zed this, see zed that, zed bee here, zed dee there!” explains his companion. “What’s that about?”

“It’s because we are use all your spare litters,” Matteusz tells him, grinning, “all ones you don’t like! Polish always do what Inglish don’t like!”

The bloke nearest to Matteusz shakes his head and looks carefully at the Polish builder. “What part of Poland are you from, Matty?”

“Warsaw.”

“Really? That’s handy!”

“What you mean?”

“It’s handy you coming from the only place you’ve heard of in Poland!”

“I not know what you say!” Matteusz tells him. “But, I need toilit!” he adds, and hastily departs the scene.

“If he’s Polish, I’m Bulgarian!” the man declares to his workmates.

“Has Matt been rumbled?” Lisa wonders, as she continues to walk along the park path beside the river in Newcastle. “We’ll find out shortly. But, let’s check in with Gemma again, first!”

Gemma is on the phone to one of the priority clients on her list, reading from the script on the other sheet of paper she was given by her boss.

“Ze renge of products ’as been increas-ed in ze new brochure,” she reads, “to reflect ze need of our customers in ze shanzhing market. We ‘ope zat eet will be somesing zat you find weel benefit your companee, wheech is why we are sending zis complimenterryee copee, and we weel geeve you a 20 per cent deescount on ze first order placed from ze new renge.” Having reached the end of the script, she stops speaking, and listens to the reaction from the client on the other end of the phone. “Oh, merci, … sorry, sank-you!” she says, in response to whatever has been said. After another pause, she adds, “Of course I can say zat eef you weesh! Are you readee? Okay! Au revoir! Was zat okay? … Oh, merci, mon cheri!” She puts the phone down, looks at the camera, and exclaims, “Aww, he was sweet!” and giggles.

“How’s it going?” we hear Lisa ask her.

“I’m really enjoying it!” Gemma admits, giggling again. “I’m mainly doing the French, and I think the clients quite like the idea of having a French girl talking to them! But I’ve done a few with a German accent as well … and zay vent qvite vell also!” She looks at us and bursts out laughing.

“Does your boss know what you’re doing?”

Gemma shakes her head as she begins to answer, but a man’s voice interrupts her.

“No, he didn’t!” her boss announces. “But he does now!” He walks into shot, as the camera pulls out a little. “This explains the strange emails I’ve had this afternoon, asking me about my new sexy-sounding French secretary!”

Gemma giggles again and blushes. “Sorry,” she tells her boss, “I was just trying to do my dare for the show!”

“Oh, don’t apologise!” he replies. “I think it’s made a few people’s day!” he adds, making her blush intensify.

“So, it looks like Gemma can pass as a French secretary without too much trouble!” Lisa comments, as she sits on a park bench and looks out across the Tyne. “But what about Matt?”

A short clip of two builders giving Matt a friendly battering with their hard-hats, suggests that he’s been rumbled!

The filmed segment ends, to more rapturous applause from the audience.

“She was really good, wasn’t she?” says Maddie.

“Yeah,” agrees Lissie, “she’s the best!”

Phil and I agree that she seems to have performed her dare well.

As the applause dies away, Joe asks Matt, “So, I take it they twigged?”

“Yeah, some of them rumbled me,” Matt admits, adding, “but quite a few didn’t!”

“So, will we be seeing more of Matteusz?” Joe enquires, cheekily.

“God, no!” Matt tells him, emphatically. “I couldn’t keep that up! It was really hard work! You were always having to think how to say things! And it was so easy to slip up!”

“What sort of score are you looking for?”

“Anything that keeps me out of the Dare-Off!” he replies, crossing his fingers on one hand.

“Well, let’s find out,” says Joe. “Over to the DAPAs.”

The DAPAs award Matt 5 points each, keeping him out of the Dare-Off and condemning Ayla to it. He is happy enough, but we see Ayla put her head in her hands once more.

Trixie is keen to find out how Gemma’s dare went. “Gemma,” she says, “you had high hopes, so how did you get on?”

“It went even better than I expected,” Gemma reveals, “I had a blast doing it!”

“Did any of them rumble you?”

“No, I don’t think so! Mind you, they were probably so bored listening to me waffling on that they weren’t really paying attention! But my boss had a few emails asking him when he’d hired a sexy French secretary!”

“What did he tell them?”

“He told them he hired the sexy French secretary at the same time as he hired the strict German one!” she laughs. The audience laugh with her.

There is great expectation when the DAPAs are asked to rate Gemma’s performance, after what seemed like a dare well done.

We, too, are hoping for a really good score.

When Dan gives her a 9 the expectation rises, …

We are all on the edge of our seats now, willing DAPA Danielle to give her at least an 8, which will mean she’ll be the winner.

… and Danielle’s 8 means that, with a total of 17, Gemma has the highest score for the first dare.

“Yeeeaaahhhh, go Gemma!” shouts Lissie, leaping up off the floor and dancing around in her excitement.

Maddie looks across at me and her Dad, with the biggest smile and widest eyes ever. “Oh my God,” she says, “she’s done it!”

For my part, I am almost bursting with pride!

It also means that Bradley will face the Dare-Off.

Trixie encourages Gemma to stand and take a well-deserved round of applause from the audience. Then she turns to camera and links into the ad-break. “So, Gemma takes the honours for our first dare, but don’t go away! After the break, we’re going to have lose someone from the show. But will it be Bradley, Ayla, or Bex who is the first to leave Britain’s Most Daring? We’ll be back after this!”

Everyone chatters excitedly, all talking over each other, reliving how Gemma had done her dare and how we had felt watching her in action.

I can only imagine how excited and proud Gemma’s Mam and sister are feeling at this moment!

[alli55]

Maddie’s phone warbles to tell her that a message has arrived. When she reads it, her smile gets even bigger, if that’s possible! She shows Lissie the message, and then lets me see it. It’s from Stacie and simply says, ‘Yaaaaayyy!!!!!!!!!!’

“Welcome back!” Trixie says to us. “We’ve seen all our Britain’s Most Daring daredevils complete their first dare, and Gemma’s magnificent effort on the phone has seen her take the honours!”

“But now,” Joe says in a more sombre tone, “we’re going to have to lose one of wor daredevils. To find out who’s going, it’s time for wor first Live Dare-Off!”

“Yes, the three daredevils with the lowest scores on this week’s dare will take part in a special dare, live in the studio, to try to keep themselves on the show.” Trixie explains.

“So, step forward Bradley, Ayla, and Bex!” Joe instructs.

The three unfortunates leave their positions and join Joe and Trixie in the spotlight.

“How are you feeling?” Trixie asks each one in turn.

“Nervous,” replies Bradley.

“Terrified!” Bex answers.

“What happens happens!” Ayla says, trying to keep her feelings to herself.

“Okay,” Joe says, “let’s find out what the Dare Deliverer has in store for you!”

The authoritative-yet-sultry female voice of the Dare Deliverer booms out. “For tonight’s Live Dare-Off, you will each be assigned a stranger. I dare you to tell your stranger what you find attractive about them! You must keep complimenting them for as long as you can! The first one to hesitate for more than 5 seconds will be leaving Britain’s Most Daring tonight. Good luck, my little daredevils!”

During the Dare Deliverer’s speech, out of shot, Trixie has moved to the other side of the studio, where we can see three circular cubicles, in each of which there are two seats. The cubicles have been placed in a row, but with a significant gap between them. At the front of each cubicle is a missing section of wall, which allows us to see into the cubicle.

“Thank you, Dare Deliverer,” says Trixie. “Okay, let’s bring on the strangers!”

Two women and a man, all in their twenties, enter, to generous applause. As they make their way across the studio, the camera focusses on each one in turn, allowing us a good look at any attractive features they may have that the daredevils can pick up on.

The first woman is a petite brunette with shoulder-length hair that frames her face nicely. She is slim but full-bosomed, and has pronounced hips, giving her a real hour-glass figure. Her eyes match her hair and she has a slightly upturned nose that makes her face look a little like that of a Disney princess.

The man is your archetypal tall, dark and handsome specimen of manhood! He has designer stubble on his chin but a clean-shaven upper lip. His hair is slicked back and comes to just above his ears. He isn’t musclebound, but he clearly works out, and has a very presentable set of upper arms and a broad chest.

The third of the strangers is a blonde bombshell. Her wavy hair gives her something of a girl-next-door look, but the rest of her could have come straight from the catwalk. She has long legs and a slim build, atop which is a narrow face with angled cheekbones. Her piercing blue eyes complete the model look.

The three strangers head towards the cubicles, separating from each other as they reach their destination. They have clearly each been pre-assigned to a particular cubicle, and, once inside, they all sit on the right-hand seat.

“There are our strangers,” Trixie points out. “Now, can we hide them, please!”

A door slides round and across the front of each cubicle, enclosing the stranger within. We can now see that on each cubicle-front is a large letter: ‘A’, ‘B’, and ‘C’, respectively.

Once this is complete, and the strangers are hidden from view, Joe crosses the studio to join Trixie, bringing with him the three daredevils who are to face tonight’s Live Dare-Off. Bradley, Ayla, and Bex are all looking apprehensive.

Trixie explains the set-up. “In each cubicle we have a stranger, one for each of you,” she tells the three daredevils. “You will each choose a cubicle, and with it the stranger you will have to compliment.”

“Bradley’s in trouble if he chooses the one with the bloke in!” Phil comments.

“Bradley, as the person with the highest score, you get first choice,” Trixie continues. “Which cubicle would you like?”

“I’ll have ‘C’ please,” he replies. Joe takes him over to stand next to his chosen cubicle. We know that he has selected the blonde bombshell, but Bradley, of course, hasn’t a clue who might be inside cubicle ‘C’.

“Ayla, you get second choice,” Trixie informs the young Scot. “Which cubicle would you like?”

Ayla takes her time before plumping for ‘B’, which means she’s with the man. Again, Joe escorts her to her position.

“Unfortunately, Bex, as you got the lowest score, you don’t get a choice!” Trixie tells her, as Joe returns to shepherd Bex to cubicle ‘A’, giving her the brunette.

“In a moment, we’ll open the doors and ask you to step into your cubicle and take a seat opposite your stranger,” Trixie continues. “You’ll then have 30 seconds with your stranger before the buzzer will sound. Once you hear the buzzer, you must start telling your stranger what you find attractive about them. You may not pause for longer than 5 seconds; as soon as someone does, the buzzer will sound again and the dare will be complete. Is that clear?”

Bex, Ayla, and Bradley all affirm that they understand the instructions, and they each look at their cubicle, waiting for the door to open.

“Okay, open the doors!” Trixie instructs.

The doors slide back and round, revealing the three strangers once more. The strangers remain impassive, but, with a close-up camera trained on each of the daredevil’s faces, we can see their reaction in almost intimate detail: Bradley’s eyes nearly pop out of his head, and he exhales noticeably; Ayla’s eyes light up and we hear her exclaim, “Oh, wow!”; Bex gives a slightly embarrassed grin and raises her eyebrows.

They take their seats and, frequently switching between the three, we watch them as they study their strangers. After 30 seconds, we hear a buzzer, and the frantic complimenting begins. We follow the progress of the dare, jumping frequently between the three cubicles, catching snatches of the compliments. This gives us a tantalising, teasing hint of how each of the daredevils is approaching the task, and is one of the downsides of live television. A pre-recorded dare, cleverly edited, would have revealed much more.

From what we can gather, Ayla appears to be adopting a methodical approach. She is the first person we hear give a compliment, saying “I love the way you’ve slicked back your hair!”. On subsequent occasions that we drop in on her cubicle, she is highlighting his eyes, then his smile, and then his chin. It seems she is working her way down from the top.

We first hear Bradley tell his stranger that she has “lovely, deep eyes”. The next time he is telling her how much he likes her “warm and tender smile”. We get the impression he is picking out all the features a man think’s he’s supposed to focus on!

What we hear from Bex sounds more like someone giving compliments to their best friend. “I like what you’ve done with your hair!” she tells the brunette, then, later “I really like the way your dress shows off your hips.”

As the time ticks on, Ayla’s methodical approach is paying dividends, as she is able to focus on the next part of her man’s body and think of an appropriate compliment. By contrast, the pauses in the other two cubicles are becoming more pronounced. It is just a matter of time before one of them fails to keep inside the 5-second limit and loses their chance of returning next week. But whether it will be Bex or Bradley who cracks first is impossible to predict.

With the tension mounting, we are concentrating on Bradley and Bex. A stroke of good fortune on the director’s part means that we witness the pause that eliminates Bex from the dare and the show. The hooter sounds and Ayla, who is in mid-sentence when she hears it, immediately knows that she is safe. Bradley isn’t so sure, since he wasn’t speaking when the hooter went off. He looks questioningly towards Trixie, but the presenter doesn’t give him any indication of who has caused the buzzer to sound.

“Okay, that sound means the dare is complete,” she announces, “so, daredevils, you may leave your cubicles!”

As they exit, Joe gathers them up and brings them over to join Trixie.

Although we know who has been eliminated, there is still uncertainty amongst the three daredevils themselves. Eschewing the usual prolonged pauses that this type of show has become infamous for, Trixie quickly announces the result.

“The person who triggered the hooter, and therefore the person who will be leaving tonight, is Bex!”

Joe puts an arm around Bex’s shoulder and says, quietly, “Bad luck, Bex!”

“Ayla and Bradley,” Trixie says to the successful pair, “you’ve survived, so you may go and take your seats with the others!” She addresses the audience, “Give them the credit they deserve!”

The audience applaud enthusiastically as Ayla and Bradley walk across the studio and rejoin their fellow daredevils. As the applause fades, Trixie and Joe flank the unfortunate Bex.

“Sadly, Bex,” says Joe, “you didn’t manage to keep the compliments coming quickly enough. How was the dare?”

“It was hard!” Bex admits. “You quite quickly run out of things to say! I mean, she looks really nice, but I just found it difficult to think of another way of saying the same thing!”

“And, overall,” Joe asks, “how has being on Britain’s Most Daring been for you?”

“It’s been good!” Bex says. “I just think that I’m maybe a bit too shy when it comes to approaching strangers. I’d be better at dares I could do on my own!”

“Well, before we say goodbye to Bex,” Trixie says, “let’s take a look at her highlights!”

A short montage plays, during which we see Bex pick a key out of a bucket of poo, take bites out of a raw chicken heart, approach someone in the street, and compliment a young brunette. An appreciative round of applause greets the end of the montage.

“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up one more time for Bex!” encourages Trixie, as Bex waves to the camera before turning and walking off. Britain’s Most Daring has lost its first daredevil.

“So, we’ve said goodbye to Bex,” states Joe, “but there are still 14 daredevils left, all vying to be the last one standing.”

“They’re about to get their next dare,” Trixie tells us, “so make sure you join us next week to find out what they’re facing on Britain’s Most Daring!”

The two presenters wave to the camera, before the shot changes and we see the remaining daredevils seated, waiting for the next dares. The credits start to roll over that image before the screen quickly fades to black behind them.

“That was incredible!” says Lissie. “I can’t believe Gemma actually won!”

Her Dad threw a very damp cloth over the flames of her excitement. “But her winning doesn’t mean anything, does it?!” he says.

“Why doesn’t it?” Lissie asks.

“Well, the whole point of the show is to not be the one thrown off. As long as you avoid that, it doesn’t really matter where you come. Winning doesn’t gain you anything!” he argues.

“But maybe it does,” I counter. “Maybe, next week, we’ll find out there’s some advantage that you get if you win.”

“I bet there is!” says Lissie.

“Anyway,” Maddie adds, “even if there isn’t, she still won! You can’t take that away from her!”

You certainly can’t!

[alli55]

The day after last week’s Britain’s Most Daring, Maddie was at Stacie’s all day. Lissie wanted to go as well, but her friend, Rosie, was having a pamper party for her birthday that afternoon, and Lissie was obliged to go to that, which she did with very mixed feelings. As it turned out, the reality for both girls didn’t match the expectation. Maddie came back in a fairly downbeat mood, having struggled to get to grips with the assignment she and Stacie had been given to complete over the Easter holidays; that’s the Easter holidays they’d spent the last fortnight enjoying, whilst ignoring the assignment; the same Easter holidays that ended that day. By contrast, Lissie came back having had a wonderful time at the pamper party. The girls had been given instructions on how to apply make-up properly by a professional make-up artist, and had had their nails done professionally, and generally been, well, pampered!

Maddie went round to Stacie’s after school every evening, and made sure she stayed until it was time for dinner. I knew what her game was! She was hoping Gemma would be there, so that she could speak to her new hero! Lissie tried her best to tag along, but Maddie and Stacie always managed to avoid her somehow, so she ended up coming home frustrated each afternoon.

Not that Lissie was missing much! Maddie didn’t see Gemma until Wednesday evening, and even then, Gemma was too busy trying to organise her next dare to spend much time with Stacie and Maddie. But she did learn that Gemma was going to do her dare on Friday. Armed with that information, Lissie made an extra effort to latch on to Stacie and Maddie, but once again she was thwarted, by her form tutor of all people. He had asked her to stop by his room at the end of school to talk through an issue with her option choices, and by the time she’d got out, Maddie and Stacie were long gone.

“What was the problem with your options?” I asked her, when she grumbled about her form tutor causing her to miss out on going to Stacie’s.

“Oh, I dunno,” she replied, “something about them being incompatible or something!”

“Did you get it sorted?”

“I dunno, I think so, maybe!”

“Well, either you did or you didn’t!” I told her. “Which is it?”

“Yeah, I probably did, I expect!” she replied, clearly not remotely interested in continuing the conversation on this particular topic.

“Lissie, it’s important, you know!” I pointed out.

“Yeah, I know,” she acknowledged, “but he’s an idiot, so he’ll probably mess it all up, anyway!”

“I know he’s an idiot!” I replied. “That’s why it’s important you make sure you’ve got it sorted out properly, and you’re happy with what options you’re doing! You don’t want to find yourself doing subjects you didn’t want to do, just because you couldn’t be bothered to make sure he hasn’t messed it all up, do you?”

She looked at me with a bored expression that gradually morphed into one of concern as I pressed home the importance of getting this right.

“You’re right, Mam!” she said, earnestly, when I’d finished. “I’ll go and see the head of year on Monday. It’s too important to leave it to my dippy form tutor!”

“Okay,” I instructed, “you just make sure you do!”

Lissie was busy swapping messages and pictures with her friends on WhatsApp, when Maddie came crashing into the living room, shortly before dinner. To say she appeared excited would be something of an understatement!

“Oh my God!” she cried, bouncing from foot to foot, as she popped the cork that had been keeping her news bottled up. “You are not going to believe what Gemma has done!”

“What?” Lissie asked eagerly, abandoning WhatsApp and her friends in an instant.

“I can’t tell you!” Maddie replied.

“Yes, you can!” Lissie urged.

“No, I can’t!” Maddie insisted.

“You can!” Lissie asserted. “You really can!”

“No, I’m not allowed!” Maddie explained. “Gemma made me promise! It’s something to do with the contract she signed with the TV people.”

“Well, if that’s the case,” I told Maddie sternly, “why did you come bursting in here telling us that we wouldn’t believe what she’s done?”

Maddie realised how unfair of her it had been to do that. “Sorry,” she said, “but I couldn’t help it! It was like the words were trying to burst out of me!”

“Well, you need to make it up to your sister, somehow!” I told her.

She looked blankly at me. “How’m I supposed to do that?”

“What are you doing tomorrow?” I asked.

“Nothing much, just hanging out with Stacie,” she replied. “We’ll probably go up town or something.”

“Right, well cancel that!” I instructed. “We’ll have a family day out, instead! Lissie can choose where we go!”

“Okay, that’s fair!” Maddie conceded.

I smiled. It always gives me great pleasure when my girls demonstrate the consideration for others that I have tried to instil in them since they were small.

Lissie, meanwhile, had returned to her phone, and was once more engrossed in some bizarre quiz thing that she kept pestering everyone to complete.

“Lissie!” I called to my younger daughter. She looked up from her phone, as I continued, “We’re having a family day out tomorrow! Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t mind; wherever!”

“No,” I corrected, “it’s your choice; you decide where we go. It’s Maddie’s way of saying sorry for messing with your emotions just now!”

Maddie smiled her confirmation of this fact, and whispered to me, “I bet she says Ocean Beach!”

Incredibly, in the 10 seconds it had taken me to finish my sentence, Lissie’s attention had drifted back to her phone and that wretched quiz!

“So, Lissie!” I called.

“What?” she said, without even looking up from her phone this time.

“Where d’you want to go tomorrow?”

“I don’t mind!” she repeated.

My God, she could be frustrating sometimes!

“Lissie! Put your phone down a minute and choose!”

Jolted by the sharpness of my tone, she looked up. Her eyes went from Maddie to me and a smile formed on her lips.

“I really get to choose wherever I want to go?” she checked.

“Yes, within reason,” I qualified. “Obviously, it’s got to be do-able in a day!”

“It is!” she confirmed.

“So?” I questioned.

“Ocean Beach!” she revealed.

“Told you!” Maddie said, smugly.

Ocean Beach Pleasure Park is Lissie’s favourite destination, so it was no surprise to any of us that she’d chosen it. The rest of us all like going there, just not as much as Lissie does!

After a fun day out, we stopped for a KFC, before making sure we were back home in plenty of time for Britain’s Most Daring.

[alli55]

Taking up our usual positions, we sit through the last of the adverts, before the TV announcer tells us what we are waiting to hear.

“Now on Channel 4, it’s our daretastic new Saturday night show, Britain’s Most Daring. You have to watch this! Go on, I dare you!”

The opening titles for Channel 4’s edgy gameshow have been tweaked once again. Alongside some of the familiar images that have been there from the start, there are clips from the regional auditions, together with some new footage gleaned from the dares performed last week. The credits end to an enthusiastic round of applause from the studio audience, before the screen fades to black and a caption, in white letters, appears: ‘Last week on Britain’s Most Daring …’.

A montage begins. It is not as frantic as last week’s opening was, but it still moves rapidly from clip to clip. Following the Dare Deliverer’s announcement of the dare, we see: James repeatedly saying “Mamma Mia”; Tariq doing keepy uppys; Bradley speaking in an appalling Australian accent; the DAPAs shrugging and shaking their heads; Eilidh telling an old couple about Hollyoaks; Shanumi getting out of a stretch limo; Dylan signing books; Mia at Stonehenge; Jaz drawing pictures for schoolkids; James giving a talk at a conference; Matt being hit by two builders’ hard-hats; Gemma speaking on the phone in a French accent; Tommy being over-enthusiastically hugged by an old lady; Gemma taking her applause as last week’s winner; and Ayla complimenting a tall, dark, handsome man. Then we see a shot of Bex as she turns and begins her walk off the show; over this shot a red number 15 appears, then the 5 changes to a 4, before the number fades away. We then see the remaining 14 daredevils, as they appeared at the end of last week’s show, waiting for their next dare. The montage finishes with Keenan outside Buckingham Palace saying, “Back to ze studio.”

Another round of applause leads into the appearance of our two hosts. This week, Trixie is wearing a classic little black dress with a halter neck, leaving her arms bare from the shoulders down. Joe has made a more significant change to his outfit, this week, ditching the slightly-worn jeans in favour of a pair of smart trousers, which he is complementing with a red-and-white checked shirt, with the top two buttons undone.

As ever, it is Trixie who speaks first as the applause begins to die away. This week, though, she is a little premature and has to pause once before restarting her introduction.

“Hello and welcome, … hello and welcome to Britain’s Most Daring, with me, Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… and me, Joe Denecker,” says Joe, once more.

“Well, Joe, what a show we had last week!” recalls Trixie.

“Aye, it was bangin’ man!” he agrees.

“Fame and foreign accents, what more can you ask for?”

“Actually,” Joe tells her, “I had a bit of a ‘famous celeb’ moment myself this week.”

“Yeah?” she prompts. “What happened?”

“I was minding my own business, like, and this woman comes up to us and says ‘You’re that bloke off the telly, aren’t you?’ I played it cool, like, and said ‘maybe’, and she said, ‘you are, I’d recognise you anywhere!’ So, I said, ‘Okay, fair play, you’ve got me!’ and she said, ‘I knew it! I never miss an episode of Geordie Shore!’”

Trixie laughs, but puts her hand reassuringly on Joe’s arm.

“I mean,” he exclaims, “who does she think I am?!”

We see the DAPAs shrugging their shoulders in answer to his question.

“Anyway,” Trixie turns her attention to the little matter of Britain’s Most Daring, “after Bex’s departure last week, we’re down to 14 wannabe winners, all trying to make sure it’s not them who’s the next to leave.”

“That’s right,” adds Joe, “once again all wor daredevils have been given a dare to do this week, and the three with the lowest scores from the DAPAs will have to take part in tonight’s Live Dare-Off.”

Trixie continues, “And whoever loses that, will be leaving the show.”

“Because,” Joe reminds us, “if you flop you’re dropped!”

“Straight after last week’s show, our 14 remaining daredevils were given their next dare, courtesy of the Dare Deliverer,” Trixie tells us.

On the screen we see the daredevils, as they were at the end of last week’s show, sat in their seats, listening as the sultry voice of the Dare Deliverer announces their forthcoming dare.

“This week, my little daredevils,” she says, “I dare you to allow someone to give you a makeover! You can decide who you want to do this, but you must give them free rein to do as they please. Be daring, little ones!”

There are varying reactions to the dare they have been given, with Bradley looking particularly concerned. Shanumi is shaking her head defiantly, and any viewers able to lip-read will spot her saying “Ain’t happening!” repeatedly.

Bearing in mind what Maddie has kind of let slip to me and Lissie, we are now wondering exactly what sort of makeover Gemma has had!

“Oh my God!” Lissie cries, looking over at her older sister. “What’s Gemma done?”

Maddie just shrugs and says, “You’ll see!”

Live in the studio, Trixie comments, “Well that’s a very different dare they’re facing this week!”

“It certainly is,” agrees Joe, “and the big question is, how far will they let themselves be made over? We could see some interesting transformations!”

“Each of our daredevils was chaperoned for their makeover,” Trixie reveals, “to make sure that they really were giving their chosen person a free rein.”

“So, let’s get straight into it!” says Joe. “First up, it’s Tariq. Here’s Aleksandra to tell you more.”

We see Aleksandra, wearing a knee-length raincoat with a silk scarf that wraps itself around her neck before plunging down her front. She is standing outside a fashion boutique.

“Tariq has decided to come to a top fashion outlet for men, here in central London,” she informs us in her enticing East European accent. “He is hoping they will give him a makeover that will keep him well away from the Dare-Off! But how far will he let Gareth go?”

The scene changes to a private room inside the boutique, which, at least for now, is being used as a kind of consultation room. There is a smartly-dressed man, who we take to be the afore-mentioned Gareth, who looks to be thirty-something, standing opposite Tariq and Aleksandra. Tariq is wearing t-shirt and jeans.

“So,” says Gareth, “what sort of look are you trying for?”

“I was hoping you could come up with something, innit,” says Tariq. “You know, just give me a new look, yeah?”

“Could you give me a little more to go on?” Gareth presses him.

Tariq looks at Aleksandra, but she’s here to chaperone, not help, so says nothing. In his effort to help Gareth out, Tariq makes his first mistake.

“Just, maybe, something a bit smart, innit,” he suggests, disobeying the ‘free rein’ instruction.

We watch a montage of clips, during which Gareth measures up Tariq, assesses his options, and pulls a few likely outfits off the pegs in various parts of the boutique.

Whilst we watch, Aleksandra’s voiceover helpfully explains what is going on. “Gareth searches for some likely options to give Tariq the look he has asked for. While he is waiting, Tariq realises he has made a mistake by giving Gareth a look to aim for.”

“Oh bruv, I shouldn’t have said smart,” he says to the camera, “I’ve messed up, innit?”

Gareth arrives back, and we see Tariq dressed in a number of different outfits, mainly either a suit of some type or a waistcoat-and-trouser ensemble. Gareth preens and picks at each one, and Aleksandra helpfully poses next to Tariq to see how each outfit looks with a beautiful woman on his arm! With each new outfit, she pushes her luck just a little more, until she is practically draped over Tariq, much to the poor lad’s embarrassment. Eventually, Gareth puts Tariq back into a mauve-and-grey, diamond-patterned waistcoat with black trousers, and adds a mauve bow tie to finish the look.

“That’s the one!” he says. “But you’ll need to get rid of the stubble!” he tells Tariq.

“I can help with that!” Aleksandra offers, inexplicably producing a lady shaver from her bag. Tariq looks a little alarmed, but allows himself to be sat in a chair while Aleksandra makes quick work of removing his designer stubble. As she finishes, she winks provocatively to the camera.

“That’s the look!” Gareth remarks.

We return to the studio, and, to an enthusiastic round of applause, the new-look Tariq walks from off-stage across to join Trixie and Joe.

“Wow, Tariq!” says Trixie. “Quite the man about town!”

Tariq is clearly embarrassed but manages a weak smile.

“How d’you feel?” asks Joe.

“Over-dressed, innit!” he answers.

“We heard you say you’d messed up, …” Trixie says, leaving a pause for Tariq to fill.

“Yeah,” Tariq admits, “he kept pushing me to tell him what I wanted, and I said that thing about something smart, innit. I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late, you know!”

“Well, let’s see how much damage that’s done to your score,” Joe says. “It’s time to go over to wor very own Dare Attempt Performance Analysts, DAPA Dan and DAPA Danielle.”

The DAPAs, still dressed to the nines in sharp suits, bow slightly to acknowledge their introductions, before each pressing a button on their handheld keypad. The score they have each awarded is shown on a screen above their respective heads. We see that both DAPAs have given Tariq 5 out of 10, making a total score of 10 points. Based on last week’s scores, this should be enough to keep him safe, but it isn’t as high as he would have liked.

“What d’you think, Tariq?” asks Joe.

“It’s okay! I think I’ll be alright, innit!”

“Tariq, everyone,” enthuses Trixie, encouraging the audience to applaud. As they do, Tariq makes his way over to the rows of chairs.

“Okay, let’s head over to Mairie in Belfast,” says Trixie, “where she’s keeping an eye on James!”

Mairie and James are back in the same park we saw them in last week, sitting on the bench once more.

“So, James,” Mairie begins, “who have you picked to do your makeover?”

“For the life of me, I don’t know why I’ve done this,” he remarks, “but I’m going to let Eleanor, my eldest daughter, work her magic!”

“Goodness,” exclaims Mairie, “that’s brave! How old is Eleanor?”

“She’s 19,” James reveals, “and she’s studying hair and beauty therapy at college, so I’m hoping she knows what she’s doing!”

At the family home, we see James and his daughter, a short, full-figured girl, stood in the living room, with an excitable Jack Russell running around their feet.

“So, Els,” James asks Eleanor, “have you got an idea of what you want to do?”

“Yes, Dad, I have,” she tells him.

“Am I allowed to know what it is?”

“No! You just do as I tell you and leave it to me!”

He smiles nervously to the camera. We hear Mairie’s voice, off-camera, say, “You still sure about this, James?”

“He’s not changing his mind now!” Eleanor tells her.

We see Eleanor set to work, tidying up what hair her father has, before giving his face a close razor-shave. She uses a hair-dye to hide the areas where flecks of grey are starting to appear, before announcing, “Now for the finishing touch!”

At this point the film abruptly ends.

“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s welcome James to the studio!” urges Trixie.

When James walks on we see that the finishing touch is a jet-black hairpiece, either a wig or toupee, which has been fitted very well, giving him what appears to be a natural full head of hair. He crosses the studio, smiling broadly, and stops between Joe and Trixie.

“That’s quite something Eleanor’s done for you there!” comments Joe.

“Isn’t it just!” laughs James.

“What did you think when you first saw it?” asks Trixie.

“I was mainly concerned about how well it was going to stay in place!”

Joe is inspecting James’ head closely. “Well, I canna see the join!” he remarks. “Nice one, Eleanor!”

The shot changes, and we see that Eleanor is in the audience. She smiles when she realises she’s on camera.

“Eleanor, how did you decide what to do for your Dad’s makeover?” Trixie asks her.

Still looking up at the image of herself on the studio screen, Eleanor replies, “I just thought it would be fun to see what he looked like if he wasn’t going bald! I can’t really remember when he was like that naturally!”

“And what do you think?” Trixie enquires.

Eleanor puts a hand on one cheek and smiles again, as she tells us, “He looks really different! But, in a good way! I think he looks nice like that!”

“Well, thanks for making him over!” Trixie says. “Let’s see if it’s impressed the DAPAs!”

The DAPAs award James 6 points each, putting him slightly ahead of Tariq, on 12 points.

“I’m happy with that!” he tells Trixie when she asks, and he takes his place in the chairs to warm applause from the studio audience.

“Don’t go away!” Trixie instructs us. “We’ve got more transformations after the break on Britain’s Most Daring!”

Looking at Lissie, I can see she’s almost bursting with anticipation, finding it really frustrating to have to ‘wait and see’ what Gemma has done for her makeover. Her foot is going to be worn out if she has to wait too long!

I really wish Maddie hadn’t been so thoughtless yesterday evening! I also hope to goodness that Gemma’s appearance comes much earlier in this week’s programme than it did in last week’s!

[alli55]

“Dad,” Maddie asks, “would you ever wear a wig?”

Lissie collapses in fits of giggles at the very idea of her father in a wig! I snicker and look at Phil. After 21 years together, I know him well, and I’m fairly sure he would just accept his hair loss gracefully. At least, I hope he would!

“Emma!” he says, looking at me, in mock anger. “Lissie I can understand, but I expect better from you!” he castigates.

“Sorry,” I snigger, “but, you have to admit, it is an amusing image!”

“Well, it’s not one you’re ever going to see!” he informs us. “Any of you!”

Thank goodness for that!

“Ohhh, go on Dad,” Lissie says, between giggles, “I’d love to see you in a wig!”

“I bet you would!” her father remarks.

The conversation is interrupted by the start of the theme music. All of us turn our attention back to the TV screen.

“Welcome back!” says Trixie. “This week on Britain’s Most Daring, our daredevils are getting a makeover. They’ve been dared to let their chosen makeover artist have a free hand, and we’ve already seen some interesting results!”

“Yes, we have!” Joe confirms. “It’s certainly been a bit hair-raising! Let’s see how wor next daredevil, Jaz, got on! Here’s Richie to tell us.”

Richie is wearing the same tatty jacket and jeans that we saw him in at the Midlands auditions. He is standing outside a hair salon on a typical urban high street.

“Jaz has come here to ask her regular hairdresser to help with the dare,” he informs us. “So, let’s take a look inside!”

Inside the salon, Jaz is sat in a standard hairdresser’s chair, in front of a mirror. Standing behind the chair is a young woman, similar in age to Jaz. Her initial greeting tells us that she is Jaz’s regular hairdresser.

“Hi, Jaz!” she says.

“Hello, Sasha!” Jaz replies

Sasha asks, “What’s it to be today? Your usual?”

“No! I want you to give me a new look!” Jaz tells her. “Anything you want!”

Sasha is clearly taken by surprise by this unexpected instruction from one of her regulars. “Okay,” she begins, before checking, “you really mean anything?”

“Yeah!” Jaz confirms. “Do whatever you think will look good!”

“Alright!” Sasha says, with great relish. “Let’s have a good look at you!”

Sasha spins the chair round so that Jaz is facing her. She takes a good, long look, and then uses her thumbs and forefingers to frame Jaz’s head. Throughout all this, Jaz is watching Sasha’s face, intrigued by the process. Using her fingers and a comb, Sasha sweeps Jaz’s hair into a new shape, before reconsidering and letting it return to its natural resting point. She takes a step back and looks Jaz in the eye.

“You’re not going to get mad with me, if you don’t like it, are you?!” she queries.

“No, of course I won’t!” Jaz assures her. “You just do what you want with it! Really!”

“Okay! I only asked, ’cos you’re more like a friend than a customer!” she tells Jaz. “So, I don’t want to do something that you hate!”

“You’re too good a hair stylist for that to happen!” Jaz enthuses.

“Aww, thanks!” Sasha smiles.

“And, anyway, I trust you completely! So, just do whatever you want!”

This final confirmation seems to be what Sasha needed, and Jaz’s compliments give her the encouragement to be bold in her ideas for Jaz’s new style. She sweeps Jaz’s hair across to one side and uses her other hand to lift the back off of Jaz’s shoulders. Satisfied with how it might look, she spins Jaz back around and sets about turning her idea into reality. Shots of Sasha washing, drying, cutting, and styling Jaz’s hair flash across the screen, until the dizzying images cease and Sasha spins Jaz around once more to take a look. She flicks a stray hair from off of Jaz’s forehead, takes a step back, and declares her task complete.

Where, before, Jaz’s brown hair had extended to a little below her shoulders, now it has been cut much, much shorter. The back ends at the top of her neck, whilst Sasha has given her a side-shave from just above her ears up to a point just below the top of her head. From there she has encouraged Jaz’s hair to flow to the opposite side of her head, with a front ‘curl’ falling down to her eyebrow. Sasha has completed the transformation by dyeing it platinum blonde.

“Oh, wow, Sasha,” exclaims Jaz, when she’s spun back around again and shown the full effect in the mirror, “that’s fantastic!” She extricates herself from the chair and gives Sasha a grateful hug.

There is rapturous applause as Jaz joins the two presenters. Trixie has a smile almost as wide as Jaz’s.

“That looks amazing!” she enthuses. “You’ll have to give me Sasha’s number!”

Jaz grins. The screen fills with a close-up of Sasha, in the audience. She, too, is grinning.

“The most important question: do you like it?” enquires Trixie.

“I absolutely love it!” Jaz enthuses. “It’s awesome!”

“Is it a style you’ve ever considered before?”

“No, I’d have never thought of having something like this in a million years!”

Trixie brings Sasha into the interview. “Sasha,” she asks, “what inspired you to create this amazing style for Jaz?”

“When she told me I could do anything,” Sasha says, “I just really wanted to repay her trust in me and give her something special. I’ve done her hair for years, and her style has always stayed the same. But I was convinced a proper short cut would suit her face, so I just came up with what you can see!”

“And why blonde?” questions Trixie.

“Blonde works much better on a cut like this,” Sasha opines. “Darker hair can look good when it’s cut short, but blonde really gives a much more dramatic effect!”

“It certainly does!” Trixie agrees. “When are you free?” She turns back to Jaz. “It works really well on you!” she comments, adding, “I’d love to see what she could do with mine!”

“Well, I think Trixie likes it!” says Joe. “But do the DAPAs?”

They seem to, judging by the 7 points they each award Jaz. Her total of 14 puts her into the lead, so far, this week.

“Brilliant! Really pleased!” she says of her score, and adds, “And I’m definitely keeping this style!”

“Let’s see our next daredevil!” Trixie says, as the applause for Jaz subsides. “Javid has the lowdown on how Tommy got on.”

As soon as we see the barber’s shop behind Javid, we know that Tommy has gone for a similar approach to his makeover that Jaz did for hers.

“Tommy has had the same haircut since he was a lad,” Javid informs us, “so it has taken a fair bit of courage for him to allow someone to have a free hand at giving him a different style. So, how will that go?”

We see a similar montage to the one we have recently watched, as Tommy is given a radical new haircut. Gone is the short-back-and-sides that he has always had, as the barber sets to work with the clippers on number 2. He does the whole of Tommy’s head, leaving him with a very short cut indeed. When he is shown the result, Tommy appears less than convinced. Nevertheless, he shakes the barber’s hand and smiles to the camera.

When he comes outside, he stops, feels his head, and tells Javid, “Blimey, my head feel’s cold!”

Tommy joins Joe and Trixie, and they wait for the applause to end.

“Tommy,” says Joe, “you looked a bit uncertain!”

“Yeah,” Tommy replies, “I’m used to my old style. This was a bit of a shock when I saw it!”

“How d’you like it now?”

“It’s okay!” says Tommy, in a tone of voice that isn’t fooling anyone.

“Are you going to keep it?”

“No,” Tommy admits, “I’ll let it grow back.”

“Okay,” Trixie interrupts, “let’s find out what the DAPAs make of it!”

Tommy gets a 7 from Dan, but only a 5 from Danielle, giving him a total of 12. He’s happy enough with that, knowing that he’s almost certain to be safe from the Dare-Off.

“I spent a day with Mia,” Trixie tells us, “and this is what we got up to.”

We see Trixie, in a fetching knee-length blue dress, topped with a navy cardigan. She is walking through a shopping precinct with Mia, wearing a jacket and jeans, at her side.

“Mia,” Trixie says, “what have you got in mind for your makeover?”

“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, anyway,” she tells Trixie, “and this dare has given me the push I needed to get it done.”

What the ‘it’ is, we see when they stop in front of a tattoo parlour. The two women enter and walk up to the counter. The assistant, a middle-aged man with a goatee beard and arms covered in artwork, looks up.

“Hello,” he greets them, “how can I help?”

“I’d like a tattoo,” Mia states, fairly obviously.

“Did you have anything in particular in mind?” he asks.

“I’d like you to do me one that you think will look good on me,” she tells him, “and it has to be visible.”

He tries to get more of an idea of the sort of thing she might like, but Mia, realising that she mustn’t restrict him in any way, won’t say any more.

“I’m not sure I can help you!” he tells her, after getting nowhere with his questioning about her preference of design.

“Why?” she asks.

“You haven’t given me anything to go on, that’s why!”

She pushes him, asking, “Well, can’t you just do one that you think will look good?”

He decides there is no reasoning with her, so turns his attention to Trixie.

“Can you tell your friend here that getting a tattoo is not some sort of game!” he says to the bemused presenter. “You can’t just wash it off if you don’t like it!”

“Well, obviously!” Mia interjects. “I’m not stupid!”

Ignoring her, the man tells Trixie, “I don’t think she’s thought this through. Maybe it’s best if you come back when she has!”

“What d’you think she is, my Mum or something?” Mia snaps, indignantly. “I know what I want: I want a tattoo! And I want you to do it, now!”

“Perhaps, if you show me some designs, I can give you an idea of the sort of thing that she might like,” suggests Trixie, trying to defuse the situation.

The assistant agrees, and, presumably, Trixie gives him sufficient help for him to be happy to give Mia a tattoo like she’s demanding, because we see him setting up his equipment. He has decided to give her a design on her lower arm, since she asked for it to be visible. We see a series of clips of him at work on her arm, as Trixie watches on with interest. As the design is progressing, it is difficult to tell what it is, but one thing is clear: it is pretty large!

When he has finished, Mia holds her arm up to the camera to show us the result. On the inside of her arm, from her wrist to her elbow joint, she has a floral design. There is a central flower head, in a vibrant yellow, surrounded above and to the sides by leaves. Below the main flower are two smaller pink flowers, and the design is completed by a number of beads hanging from lines that stretch across between the two smaller flower heads.

“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it!” she says to the assistant, apparently still narked at his earlier reluctance to do what she wanted.

Trixie apologises for Mia’s rudeness, adding, “You’ve done a really good job! I think it looks brilliant! Thank you, so much!”

In the studio, Mia shows off her tattoo.

“Wow!”, exclaims Joe. “That’s an impressive piece of work!”

“I really like it!” Mia tells him.

“Have you had any comments from friends and family?” Trixie asks.

“My Dad hates it,” Mia confesses, “but everyone else likes it. Even my Mum!”

“I wonder whether the DAPAs do,” Joe says.

The DAPAs do like it. Dan gives Mia 8 points and Danielle awards 7, putting Mia into the lead with a total of 15. She smiles and blows the DAPAs a kiss. Dan catches it, whilst Danielle looks at him with a stern expression on her face.

“That’s our new leader, Mia!” Trixie exclaims. “Join us after the break for more Britain’s Most Daring! See you soon!”

“Dad …?” begins Maddie.

“No, you are not getting a tattoo!” her father second-guesses.

“Oh!” she says, disappointment etched onto her face.

The trouble is, it’s less than two months to her birthday, her eighteenth birthday; then, there’ll be no stopping her!

[alli55]

If anyone had told me I’d be spending my Saturday evening watching a makeover show, I’d have told them they were mad. But here I am, doing just that! This, though, is a very different makeover show to the usual run-of-the-mill ones that I dislike so much. This one is edgy and unpredictable, and is made all-the-more exciting for us because we are waiting to see what our friend Gemma has had done. At least three of us are; Maddie already knows, because she saw Gemma yesterday afternoon, after she’d had her makeover.

“You don’t think Gemma got a tattoo, do you?” Lissie asks.

Maddie stays silent, having promised Gemma she wouldn’t say anything before the makeover is revealed on the show.

“I wouldn’t have thought so!” I reply. “She always used to say how much she didn’t like them.”

“Well, in that case, she won’t win this week,” declares Lissie, “not after what Mia’s done!”

“It doesn’t matter, though, does it,” her Dad reminds her, “so long as she keeps out of the bottom three and avoids the Dare-Off!”

“I know! I just want her to win again!”

“You join us as we watch our daredevils undergoing a makeover this week on Britain’s Most Daring. I’m Trixie Stonehill …”

“… and I’m Joe Denecker. We’ve got plenty more of wor daredevils to see, so let’s press on! Here’s Lisa to tell us about Matt’s week.”

Buxom blonde Mancunian, Lisa, is sat in her car, parked at the side of an ordinary-looking street with rows of terraced houses along either side. She is in the driving seat and we, vicariously through the camera operator, are in the front passenger seat. She looks across at us and does her piece to camera.

“I’m outside Matt’s house here in Bolton,” she informs us. “He’s asked two of his friends to do his makeover for him. He’s told them they can do anything they want. I’ve come to check that he means what he says and to find out what they’ve got planned for him. So, we’d best go in!”

We follow her to the front door, which, upon her knocking, is opened by Matt.

“Lisa, come in!”

We enter and go through to the back room. There are two other people, a man and a woman, both in their late twenties by the look of it.

“Let me introduce you,” says Matt. “This is Shanice …”

The woman smiles and says, “Hi!”

“… and this is Digger!”

“Alright?” says Digger, sounding very Mancunian.

“How do you know these people?” Lisa asks Matt.

“Digger’s my best mate, I’ve known him since school,” Matt explains, “and Shanice is my brother’s missus.”

“So, what have you two got planned for Matt?” Lisa enquires.

“We’re going to totally change how he looks,” reveals Digger, with a grin. “We want him to win this dare, so we’re going for maximum impact!”

“How does that sound, Matt?” Lisa asks our daredevil, who is looking a little apprehensive.

“It sounds good,” he says, “I think!” He laughs.

Lisa provides an intermittent voiceover for the montage that follows. We see first Shanice and then Digger set to work on Matt.

“Shanice has done some hairdressing in the past, so she’s been entrusted with the task of restyling Matt’s hair … “

We watch as Shanice gets the clipper out and sets it to number 0. She shaves most of Matt’s head, but leaves a narrow strip that runs down the middle of his head from his forehead to the top of his neck.

“… Shanice is giving Matt a Mohican. It’s a radically different style to any that he’s had before …”

Once Shanice is finished, Digger takes up position in front of Matt.

“… Digger’s experience in a tattoo and piercing parlour is what he brings to the dare …”

We see Digger brandishing his tattoo gun, and inking two identical red roses, one above and slightly forward of each ear on the newly-shaved parts of Matt’s head.

“… The red rose that Digger is tattooing onto Matt’s head is the traditional symbol of Lancashire …”

Digger finishes the tattoos and admires his work.

“… With the tattoos finished, Digger sets to work on the other part of his plan …”

We see Digger insert a cannula needle through the bottom of Matt’s eyebrow and out through the top. He then begins putting a curved barbell in place.

“Digger has decided that an eyebrow piercing is the perfect finish to Matt’s new look. But I’m not sure Matt is keen on the idea!”

As Digger continues to work on the piercing, Matt grimaces and winces. This, we suspect, is more than he was bargaining for! But there’s nothing he can do, and the montage ends with Matt standing up, flanked by Shanice and Digger, all looking into the camera with their thumbs up.

“Give him a warm welcome, everyone,” urges Trixie, “it’s Matt!”

The welcome Matt gets from the audience is more than warm, it is scorching. The audience, at least, are mightily impressed by the extreme makeover he has been put through.

“Matt, Matt,” begins Joe, “what have they done to you?”

Matt laughs. “I know!” he replies. “Mad!”

“Did you have any idea what you were letting yourself in for?”

“I knew Shanice would do something with my hair, but I didn’t really know what Digger was planning!”

“It’s certainly striking!” Trixie remarks.

“I don’t mind it!” he tells her.

“Are you keeping the whole look?” she asks him.

“That’s the clever thing,” he confides. “It can all be covered over, eventually. The piercing can come out and the hole will heal, and if I grow my hair back the tatts get covered over!”

Whether revealing that was a mistake or not remains to be seen. The DAPAs may knock Matt’s score down a bit now they know it isn’t necessarily as permanent and radical as it first appeared.

“Well, you know what comes next,” Trixie tells him, “it’s time for the DAPAs to do their stuff!”

An 8 from Danielle is followed by another 8 from Dan, giving Matt a total of 16, which puts him in front, knocking Mia off the top.

A worthy round of applause follows, before Trixie says, “Well done, Matt, you’re our new leader!”

“Magic!” says Matt. “Digger’ll be made up! Big thanks to him and Shanice!”

“Matt everybody, … Matt!” cries Trixie, initiating another round of applause.

“Well, that’s going to take some beating!” remarks Joe. “So, let’s see if Mitchell is up to the task. Trixie, here, went with him, and here’s her report.”

When we see Trixie this time, she is wearing a cream roll-neck jumper over tight-fitting jeans. The black beanie hat she has on tells us that this dare was filmed on a cold day. She is inside a shopping centre, strolling along slowly, and once she has passed the camera, we see she is walking towards Mitchell and a young woman who is with him. She stops when she reaches them.

The shot changes to a close-up of the three, as Trixie greets Mitchell. “Mitchell, hi, who have you got to help with your dare?”

“This is my girlfriend, Sammi,” he says, introducing the young woman to us. “She’s going to be doing my makeover.”

“Nice to meet you, Sammi,” Trixie says. “What have you got planned for Mitchell?”

Sammi reveals far more than Mitchell wants her to, when she answers, “Well, I know the sort of look that Mitch likes, and I think that’s why he trusts me not to do anything too over-the-top. So, I’m going to sort of tweak his usual look a bit and give it a fresher appearance.”

“Well,” Trixie says to camera, “let’s see how that goes!”

Our next montage begins with the three of them in a clothes shop, as Sammi selects some casual trousers and a floral-print shirt. The scene then changes, as the rest of the montage appears to have been filmed in the room of a house somewhere. Initially, Sammi is applying fake tan to all the exposed parts of Mitchell’s body. We then see her adding some lighter highlights to his mousy-brown hair, before having him put on the trousers and shirt we saw her select earlier. The final shot sees Mitchell posing with his new ‘tweaked’ look beside a smiling Sammi.

Back in the studio, Trixie welcomes Mitchell in her usual exuberant manner. Once the applause dies down, the interview can begin.

“Well, that shirt’s got a lot to say for itself,” exclaims Joe, “and it’s saying it loud and clear!”

Mitchell grins, but doesn’t say anything.

“Has Sammi come up with the sort of look you were expecting?” Trixie asks.

“Yeah,” Mitchell says, “I pretty much knew what sort of thing she’d do. It’s the sort of look she likes on me.”

“But is it the sort of look the DAPAs like on you?” asks Joe, giving Dan and Danielle their cue.

The answer to Joe’s question is immediate and negative. Danielle instantly hits her keypad and awards just 3 points, whilst Dan quickly follows suit. The total of 6 points is comfortably the lowest score this week, and we can be pretty sure that Mitchell is going to be taking part in tonight’s Dare-Off.

“I think you might have paid the price for Sammi’s predictability!” Trixie comments. “Never mind,” she consoles him, before eliciting a polite round of applause from the audience. As this starts to fade, she continues, “I’m not the only one who’s been out with some of our daredevils this week, am I Joe?”

“No,” he confirms, “I popped back up to the North-East and hooked up with last week’s winner, Gemma. Take a look at this!”

Good! Lissie is about to be put out of her misery! She pulls herself a little closer to the TV and watches excitedly.

We see Joe, dressed in his usual t-shirt and slightly-worn jeans, inside a hairdressing salon, where Gemma is stood with a couple of girls her age. One of them, at least, looks to be a hairdresser.

“So, Gemma,” begins Joe, “who have we got here?”

Gemma indicates the two other girls in turn. “This is Tamsin,” she says of the shorter, blonde girl, “and this is Cherise.” The taller, auburn-haired girl waves enthusiastically.

“And they’re helping you with your dare?”

“Tamsin is going to do my makeover for me,” Gemma informs him, and us, “and Cherise is here for a bit of moral support!”

“Cherise is Gemma’s best friend,” Maddie explains to us. “I don’t know Tamsin.”

Tamsin sits Gemma in the chair and sets to work. We see another hairdressing montage, during which there is a clip that might be significant, especially if the DAPAs have been paying close attention: at one point, Tamsin appears as if she is about to cut a plentiful amount of Gemma’s hair, but before she can begin, Cherise stops her and whispers something in her ear which makes her change her mind and leave Gemma’s long blonde hair intact. By the end of the montage, Gemma’s blonde hair has become multicoloured, with Tamsin having created a rainbow design that runs from red on one side of her head through the whole spectrum to purple on the other side. It is certainly striking!

“Oh my God!” cries Lissie. “I can’t believe she’s done that!”

“I told you!” Maddie says.

“Dearie me,” Phil comments, “I hope it washes out easily!”

“What do you reckon?” Joe asks Cherise.

“It’s different!” says Cherise, in that polite way that tells us she doesn’t like it but doesn’t want to offend either Gemma or Tamsin.

“It’s certainly that!” Joe addresses this last comment to us, the viewers at home, and he raises an eyebrow knowingly.

“Give it up for Gemma,” urges Trixie, as the teenager emerges from backstage, rainbow locks bouncing as she walks over to Trixie and Joe.

It is Joe who begins the interview. “Gemma,” he says, “what did you think when you first saw what Tamsin had done to you?”

“I was a bit surprised,” Gemma admits, “but there was not a lot I could do about it, so I just decided to make the best of it!”

“I imagine you’ve been getting plenty of attention!” comments Trixie.

“Yeah, I have,” Gemma tells her. “People keep checking it out. Some don’t like it, but I think plenty do.”

“Do you?” asks Trixie.

“Kind of!” Gemma replies, without really giving away her true feelings about her vivid hairstyle.

“She doesn’t!” Maddie informs us. “She said she’s going to wash it out as soon as she gets back from the studio this weekend.”

Joe has picked up on the non-committed nature of her response. “Well, let’s hope the DAPAs are a bit more certain. What d’you reckon D ’n’ D?”

Dan reckons it’s worth 6 points, whilst Danielle awards 5, making a total of 11 points. That puts Gemma in the bottom three as things stand.

“How does that compare with what you were expecting?” Trixie asks Gemma.

“It’s a bit lower,” admits Gemma, “I was hoping for more than that!”

After Gemma has taken her place amongst the daredevils who we have already seen tonight, Trixie recaps the situation and takes us into the next ad-break.

“So, we’re about halfway through our makeovers, and it’s Gemma, Tariq, and Mitchell facing the Live Dare-Off as it stands. But it could all change, so join us, after the break, to see the next set of daredevils being transformed on Britain’s Most Daring!”

Lissie looks across at her Dad, with a concerned expression on her face. Once again, he reads his daughter’s thoughts and answers her question before she has even asked it.

“Gemma will be fine!” he reassures her. “It’s only going to need one more to mess up and she’s away from the Dare-Off. One of the others is bound sure to get a worse score!”

I can see that Lissie knows her father is right, but I sense that she won’t be able to relax until Gemma is actually out of the bottom three.

[alli55]

“Why did they give Gemma such a low score?” Lissie asks.

“Because Cherise wouldn’t let Tamsin cut Gemma’s hair,” Maddie explains.

I offer my own insight: “I think that’s why Cherise was really there. Not for moral support, but to make sure Tamsin didn’t do anything Gemma didn’t want. It was quite clever of Gemma to get someone else to tell Tamsin ‘no’ so that it didn’t look like Gemma was setting a limit, but I think the DAPAs saw through it.”

Phil nods in agreement. “It’s only the fact that her rainbow hair is so attention-grabbing that stopped her getting a really low score!” he comments.

“I’m not surprised she didn’t let them cut her hair!” says Maddie. “She’s always had long hair for as long as I can remember.”

“She used to hate even having it trimmed,” I remember aloud.

“But if she wants to do well on this show,” Phil points out, “she’s going to have do things that she maybe would prefer not to do!”

Perhaps Phil should have a word with Gemma!

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring!” beams Trixie, as we return for the next part of the show.

“We’re watching wor daredevils get a makeover,” Joe reminds us, “and, so far, it’s Matt and his punk rocker look that’s top of the charts!”

“There are plenty more makeovers to see,” Trixie tells us, “so let’s head over to Wales and join Lowri, who spent a day with Dylan.”

The raven-haired Welsh presenter is seated at a café table alongside Dylan. Sitting opposite them at the table are two young people, a dark-haired boy and a fair-haired girl, both of whom look to be about Dylan’s age.

“I’ve come to Swansea Uni,” Lowri informs us, “where Dylan has enlisted the help of a couple of students from the drama department, Rhod and Tish.” She turns to the two students and asks, “So, what have you two got in mind for Dylan?”

Tish does the talking for the pair. “We’re going to raid the costume store to come up with a really unique look for Dylan, and then use our theatrical make-up skills, such as they are, to give the whole thing a ‘wow’ factor!”

“That sounds awesome!” Lowri exclaims. “Let’s see what you can come up with then!”

We move into a large room that has a series of walk-in wardrobes along one wall. Rhod and Tish are going through the extensive range of costumes and clothes looking for possibilities. Inevitably, Lowri is in with them, offering her own suggestions, which they are politely ignoring. She looks at the camera and shrugs.

To pass the time as Rhod and Tish search for the look they want, Lowri finds out how Dylan is feeling about putting himself in the hands of these two drama students.

“It’ll be fine!” he assures her, and possibly himself. “I don’t know Rhod, but Tish is one of our Dare Clubbers, and she’s really imaginative! So, I can’t wait to see what she comes up with!”

What she and Rhod have come up with is revealed in all its glory: Dylan, we see, is wearing black formal trousers, a white pin-stripe shirt, a dark-red velvet waistcoat, and a black cape; the effect is completed with a top hat. To look at him, he could very well be the inspiration for the next Doctor Who!

We watch as Tish sets to work with the theatrical make-up.

“Have you done this before?” asks Lowri.

“Not on a real person!” Tish informs us.

Lowri grimaces to the camera, encouraging us to wonder what exactly Tish has used her make-up skills on so far.

Tish works at forming a realistic-looking scar across Dylan’s left cheek, and makes pock-marks on his hands and face, creating the impression that he is suffering from some unpleasant skin disease. As she works on him, Lowri chats with her.

“So, Tish, you’re part of the Dare Club, too?”

“Yeah. I went with Dylan to the auditions for the show, actually, but I couldn’t do the cawl dare. I was gutted! I’d have loved to be on the show! I’m so jealous of Dylan!”

“The cawl was too much for you, was it, then?”

“No, it wasn’t that! …” Tish begins.

Dylan interrupts, to explain, “Tish has a load of allergies to foodstuffs, so she has to be really careful what she eats! Don’t you, Tish?”

“Yeah, and I’d never heard of cawl, so I didn’t have a clue what was in it, so I couldn’t risk it! Some of my allergies are really serious; I nearly died one time, when I ate something in a restaurant that had something in that I reacted to. If there hadn’t been an off-duty paramedic at the next table, I wouldn’t be here talking to you!”

“It’s a real shame there was that cawl dare,” Dylan comments, “because Tish would have been brilliant on the show! She’ll do anything; I mean, literally, anything! She’s way more daring than me; I need to be pushed, but she’s straight in there!”

“What’s the most daring thing you’ve done then, Tish?” Lowri enquires.

“Oh, I dunno, um…,” Tish considers, “Dylan, what d’you reckon? That time on the athletics track?”

“Yeah, definitely that!” he confirms.

“Go on!” Lowri encourages.

“We were at the Uni athletics track,” Tish tells us, “one evening after they’d finished training. There were only a few of the athletes still about, and I got dared to run a lap of the track … naked!”

“And she did it!” Dylan laughs. “And then, when she’d finished, she launched herself onto the high jump mattress thing, and just laid there!”

Tish finishes Dylan’s make-up, and presents him to the camera, for our inspection.

“Well,” remarks Lowri, “I wouldn’t want to meet you in a dark alley!”

We return to the studio, and Dylan walks on, giving his new character an exaggerated limp, which causes the audience to whoop and cheer even more. It is certainly some entrance!

“Good grief, Dylan!” Joe exclaims. “I would shake your hand, but it looks like I might catch something!”

Dylan thrusts out a hand, enticingly, anyway. “Go on,” he challenges Joe, “I dare you!” The audience love it, and cheer loudly.

Joe rises to the challenge, shakes Dylan’s hand, and then wipes off the ‘disease’ on Trixie’s arm! Trixie responds by giving him a slap on his wrist.

Once the hilarity has finished, Trixie asks Dylan, “Did you travel up here looking like that?”

He grins and tells her he did, coming up from Wales by train. The big studio screen backs up his tale, as a series of selfies he’s taken on the journey appear for us all to see.

“Fantastic!” Trixie squeals with delight, unable to contain her enthusiasm.

“Surely that’s got to impress the DAPAs!” Joe comments. “Hasn’t it?”

We go over to the DAPAs expecting to come back with a new leader. When Dan awards 9 points it’s looking a certainty, but then comes a moment of controversy. Danielle presses her keypad and the number 6 comes up on the screen above her head. The audience boo vociferously, but Danielle is adamant. So, a total score of 15 means Dylan falls just short of Matt’s score. Dylan looks visibly crushed by Danielle’s low score.

Trixie and Joe are clearly surprised and seem momentarily lost for words. But it’s a brief moment, and Joe is soon back to his usual ebullient self.

“Well, DAPA Danielle seems to have got the hump for some reason!” he says. “A transformation like that has got to be worth more than 6!”

Danielle shakes her head defiantly. Dylan’s makeover has obviously failed to impress her for some reason. The audience boo again. In their minds, Danielle has become the pantomime villain.

“Give it up for Dylan!” Trixie encourages, turning the boos to cheers. “We loved it, no matter what the DAPAs say!”

“Time to head to Scotland, next,” Joe says, “and we’re getting two for the price of one! Wor Lorna’s been a busy lass, chaperoning Ayla and Eilidh.”

“Aye,” says Lorna, in a link that has obviously been filmed to respond to Joe’s scripted introduction, “I spent a day in Glasgow with Eilidh and a day here in Edinburgh with Ayla. And d’you know what, all I got for my trouble was this wee tartan bobble hat!” She shows a bobble hat, in red and blue tartan, to the camera, before thrusting it over the top of her head. It completes a wrapped-up look that tells of another cold day’s filming.

We see a montage that combines the makeovers of the two Scottish daredevils …

… Ayla is at an upmarket dress shop in Edinburgh; Eilidh is wandering around a street market in Glasgow with an older woman, who she introduces as her Aunty Anne, her makeover artist. In the shop, Ayla has the help of a ladies’ dresser, in the shape of thirty-something Mags. We see Anne picking up a selection of items from various market stalls, whilst Mags is shown selecting garments from within the store …

… After gathering up her selections, Mags takes Ayla off to a large, salubrious fitting room, to start putting together a look that she thinks will suit Ayla but at the same time give her a very different visual personality …

… Eilidh and Anne are back at home – we don’t know whose – and Anne is picking through the items she’s bought …

… We then see both girls having various garments and accessories tried on, taken off or re-arranged, before a split screen shot shows the finished looks side-by-side …

… Eilidh is wearing a mish-mash of items that creates a confused look over all. There’s a yellow blouse underneath a green-and-blue-tartan cardigan. With this, Anne has gone for a pair of slacks in a slightly dubious grey colour, and topped the outfit off with a navy-blue beret. If you were being unkind, you might think Eilidh’s been dressed by someone without any help from their guide-dog! …

… Mags has made full use of Ayla’s curvy figure, dressing her in a tight light-blue, calf-length skirt that shows off her hips, under a darker-blue mini-dress with yellow stars glittering all over it. The dress has a daring neckline, that plunges almost to Ayla’s navel, giving her cleavage plenty of opportunity to grab your attention and meaning Ayla has had to forego her bra. Mags has given Ayla a feather boa that she can use to cover some of the bare skin if she wishes.

“Well, that’s our wee girls,” Lorna says, as we return to the specially-filmed link. “Trixie, back to you in the studio.”

“Thank-you, Lorna!” says Trixie, in response. “Here they are: Ayla and Eilidh!”

Once the two Scots have taken their places, Joe says, “Ayla, let’s start with you!”

Ayla’s smile fades as a blush starts to redden her face when Joe asks, “Don’t you feel the cold dressed like that?”

“No,” she manages to say, “we Scots girls are made of tough stuff, you know!”

The audience respond warmly, which is unsurprising given how Ayla has been one of their favourites right from the start.

“Have you ever worn an outfit as daring as that before?” Trixie asks, doing her best, in her subtler manner, to keep Ayla’s blush going.

“No, I haven’t,” Ayla confesses, “but, you know, now I’ve tried it, I’d be a lot more confident going out like this!”

“Can you say the same, Eilidh?” Joe asks, mischievously.

“Definitely not!” Eilidh states. “There’s no way I’d go anywhere looking like this!”

“Is Aunty Anne registered blind?” he jokes.

Eilidh shakes her head, but is clearly struggling to stifle a giggle. “Stop it!” she pleads.

There’s no chance of that! “Did she get her inspiration from Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat?” he quips.

“You’re gonnae get me in so much trouble!” Eilidh tells him.

“Well, before he does,” Trixie interrupts, “let’s go over to the DAPAs!”

The DAPAs both award Ayla 6 points, which earns them another sustained booing from the audience, giving her 12 in total; Eilidh’s makeover has impressed them less, with both Dan and Danielle marking her 4 out of 10, for a total of 8 points. That leaves Eilidh in the bottom three at the moment, facing the Dare-Off.

And gets Gemma out of trouble, much to Lissie’s relief!

Neither girl is happy with their score, but at least Eilidh is unsurprised by it. Ayla is not impressed with the DAPAs rating of her makeover, and the audience is with her all the way.

Once they’ve taken their seats, the show heads into its next ad-break.

“Join us for the last 3 daredevils’ makeovers,” says Trixie, “when we’ll see whether anyone can top Matt’s effort, and whether Tariq, Eilidh, and Mitchell can avoid tonight’s Live Dare-Off on Britain’s Most Daring!”

“At least Gemma doesn’t have to do the Dare-Off!” says a smiling Lissie. We nod.

“I think Dylan should be winning,” remarks Maddie, “don’t you, Mam?!”

“Yes,” I agree, “he should! I don’t understand why Danielle marked him so low!”

“I think,” begins Phil, “it’s because all the stuff he had on, the costume and the make-up, is easily removed. So, it’s less daring than having your eyebrow pierced or getting a tattoo.”

I hadn’t thought of it like that!

[alli55]

Maddie’s phone warbles and she looks to see what has arrived on it. She bursts out laughing when she sees what she’s been sent. Lissie gets up and rushes across to take a look, and she, too, collapses in a fit of giggles. Maddie comes over to the sofa and shows me and Phil just what our two girls have found so amusing. We chuckle as we watch a five-second clip of the end of the theme tune to the old children’s programme, Rainbow: ‘paint the whole world with a rainbow’, with Gemma, complete with rainbow hair, superimposed on it!

“Who sent it you?” I ask Maddie.

“Stacie,” she replies, before another warble distracts her. After checking the latest incoming message, she enlightens us further. “Oh, right,” she says, “Cherise sent it to Stacie, and Stacie thought I’d like it!”

“Send it me!” Lissie instructs her sister. Maddie does, and Lissie’s phone pings to confirm the clip’s arrival. She immediately plays it again and laughs at it once more.

We hear the familiar theme music, telling us that the ad-break is over. The phones are put down, as we all turn our attention back to the TV screen.

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring,” Trixie says again, “where our daredevils are getting a makeover.”

“We’ve still got three more to see,” Joe reminds us, “so nothing is decided yet, but Tariq, Eilidh, and Mitchell are heading for tonight’s Live Dare-Off as things stand.”

“Let’s see our next makeover!” Trixie continues. “Aleksandra has the story of Shanumi’s week.”

The effervescent Aleksandra is standing at the bottom of a tower-block on a rather run-down looking inner-city estate. She is providing an eye-pleasing contrast to her drab surroundings, dressed as she is in a vivid pink fluffy jumper worn over a pair of slim-fit smart jeans.

“Welcome to Tottenham!” she says, her radiant smile hiding any negative thoughts she might have about her surroundings. “Somewhere up there,” she points to the upper half of the tower-block behind her, “is Shanumi. I think she is hiding from me!” She turns and heads into the ground floor of the block, beckoning us to follow. Once we are in, she calls the lift, and we step into it with her.

The scene changes to the outside of a flat, somewhere in the tower. Aleksandra knocks on the door and calls out, “Hello, … Shanumi?!”

A few moments later, the door opens and Shanumi appears. “Oh my God,” she shrieks, “what are you doing here?”

If Aleksandra is taken aback by Shanumi’s reaction, she doesn’t show it, simply saying, “We have come to see your makeover.”

“That ain’t happening!” Shanumi repeats the same phrase she uttered when the Dare Deliverer announced this week’s dare.

The scene cuts abruptly to inside the flat, where Shanumi and Aleksandra are sitting on the sofa, albeit at either end of the three-seater.

“So,” Aleksandra is saying, “why are you saying you are not getting a makeover?”

“This is me!” Shanumi tells her. “My look is who I am! I ain’t changing that for no-one!”

“But it is just for a dare!” Aleksandra encourages her.

“I’ll do loads of crazy stuff for a dare,” declares Shanumi, “but I’m not changing the whole me! The way I look, what I wear, the way I have my hair, my make-up, all that stuff says ‘this is Shanumi’, and I ain’t changing who I am!”

“We can’t persuade you to do just a little change?” Aleksandra tries to tempt her.

Shanumi is adamant, “No! It ain’t happening!”

Another abrupt scene change brings us back to where we began this segment, outside the tower-block. Aleksandra is looking a little perplexed, but still managing to maintain her radiance at the same time.

“Well, Shanumi is not coming out,” she informs us, “and she is not having a makeover, so no more fun for me today!” She pouts and the camera lingers on her before we return to the studio.

Shanumi is already standing between Joe and Trixie. Presumably, the show’s producer and director weren’t sure how the audience would react to Shanumi’s refusal to do this week’s dare, and so decided against having her walk on to what could be an embarrassing response.

“Shanumi,” Trixie begins, “you told us in the film why you weren’t prepared to get a makeover done. Are you regretting that now?”

“No!” Shanumi says, forcefully. “I have to be true to myself, so I knew as soon as the dare was announced that I wasn’t going to do it.”

“Fair play!” comments Trixie. “Power to you for sticking to your guns!”

“Well, we know what the DAPAs are going to do,” Joe says, “but let’s just confirm it anyway!”

The DAPAs both press 0 on their keypads, giving Shanumi the only score possible for a refused dare. Before we return to focus on Shanumi, we get a brief shot of Tariq looking relieved that he has finally escaped the Dare-Off.

“So, it’s the Dare-Off for you, Shanumi!” Trixie tells her, sending her over to the seats, to the sound of very muted applause.

“Two more to go,” Joe informs us. “First up, here’s Olly with Bradley’s makeover.”

Olly has decided to give himself a makeover for this week’s show, and is wearing a collar and tie together with a pair of dark trousers; it only serves to make his extravagant hairstyle look even more incongruous. He is standing outside a semi-detached house in a quiet street.

“I’m here in Chipping Sodbury, outside Bradley’s place,” he tells us. “Let’s go and see what he’s up to!”

We follow Olly to the front door and, after he rings the bell, we are welcomed inside by Bradley. We go into the front room, where we see a woman with a young girl sitting on her lap.

“That’s Clare, my wife,” Bradley says, by way of introduction, “and Grace, our daughter.” Grace looks bewildered and rather scared by the intrusion of Olly and the camera crew, and clings to her mum.

Olly turns to address Bradley. “So,” he says, “what have you got in mind for your makeover?”

“Well, my first thought was to go along to the tattoo place,” he tells us, “but we’ve decided against that. Then I thought I might have my head shaved, but maybe not!”

Behind him, we see Clare shaking her head. It is becoming clear who wears the trousers in this house! It seems that Bradley’s makeover options have been severely restricted by Clare.

“In the end, we’ve decided that I’m going to go into Bristol and get myself fitted out at the top gentleman’s tailors by Cabot Circus.”

That’s where the scene changes to: inside the tailors, where an elderly assistant is measuring Bradley for his new outfit. We see a rapid series of still shots of Bradley being fitted for what quickly becomes apparent is an evening suit, complete with bow-tie.

“Give it up for Bradley!” urges Trixie, as a very dapper-looking Bradley steps out, to begin his walk across the studio. As he reaches halfway, we see Dan and Danielle nodding approvingly.

“You scrub up alright!” quips Joe.

“You’re not looking so bad yourself!” retorts Bradley.

Joe chuckles, giving himself time to think of a comeback. “I’ve been taking lessons from the DAPAs,” he says, “but I reckon you’re a ready-made replacement if we get fed up with them!”
Dan and Danielle look astonished at the possibility of being replaced! “Let’s see how much your makeover has impressed them!”

Not very, that’s how much! The DAPAs give Bradley just 7 points in total, with Dan awarding 4 of those. It means Bradley is in the bottom three, but Eilidh escapes the Dare-Off.

“Are you wishing you’d gone to the tattoo parlour now?” Trixie asks.

“I’d have been looking for a new wife, if I’d done that!” Bradley tells her. “I’ll take my chance in the Dare-Off again!”

Once the applause for Bradley has subsided, Trixie introduces the final makeover: “Against our better judgement, we let Joe here loose in London, where he tagged along with Keenan. Here’s what happened.”

Joe, in his trademark shirt and slightly-worn skinny jeans, is sat on the top of a children’s playground climbing-frame, with Keenan next to him.

“Keenan,” he says, “have you found anyone to give you a makeover yet? Only, I’ve got a bit of time on my hands, if you’re interested …?”

“You’re alright, mate,” Keenan tells him, “my sister’s gonna do it!” He looks down. “Aren’t you, Lu?”

The camera pans down to ground level, where a woman, who looks a lot like Keenan facially, is standing with her arms crossed, clearly unimpressed by the antics of the two lads.

The next shot shows the three of them walking across the park, talking as they go.

“Lucy,” Joe asks Keenan’s sister, “what have you got in mind for your little brother?”

“I’m gonna transport him back to his teenage years!” she says, with a twinkle in her eye and a mischievous grin. “Back to the days of the Special K!”

“Special K?” asks Joe, seeking an explanation for our benefit and his likely amusement.

“That’s what he used to call himself, when he was doing his DJ-ing!” Lucy tells Joe.

“You didn’t really, did you?” he asks Keenan.

“’Fraid so!” Keenan replies. “It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

“Well, I canna wait to see the Special K back in action!” Joe tells us, with a broad grin.

A montage follows, which shows Lucy scouring various market stalls for the items she wants, whilst the two lads trail along behind, larking about: they play frisbee with a baseball cap at one stall; we see Joe giving Keenan a piggyback past another stall; the two of them are playing tag around a bemused trader at a third stall; and, whilst Lucy is inspecting some decidedly dodgy-looking jewellery, they are taking it in turns to try to place a baseball cap on her head, much to her annoyance!

After all that, we watch as Lucy begins transforming Keenan into Special K. Once she’s finished, Keenan looks in the mirror and appears both horrified and embarrassed, as we hear Joe hooting with laughter in the background.

“Wow, that’s some look!” Joe says, when we see the two of them together. “What have you done to upset your sister that much?!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, Special K is in the house!” announces Trixie. Keenan walks out to a brief medley of club hits from the early 2000s. He is wearing a light grey trackie, white trainers, a back-to-front baseball cap, and has an overly-large medallion round his neck.

“Special,” Joe begins, suppressing a snigger, “how do you feel?”

“Totally ridiculous!” Keenan admits.

“Is this what you wore when you DJ-ed?” Trixie asks him.

“Sadly, it is!” he confesses. “But, fortunately, it was nice and dark in the clubs!”

“What do you think the DAPAs are going to make of it?” she asks him.

“I don’t know; by the looks of them, I don’t think they’ve ever been in a club!”

“Ohh, I don’t know,” comments Joe, “I reckon Danielle’s out on the town every night!” She shakes her head and wags her finger at Joe.

“DAPAs, give us your scores!” he instructs them.

The DAPAs both award Keenan 4 points, giving him 8 in total, which is just enough to keep him safe, at Bradley’s expense.

“Maybe that should be ‘Not-So-Special K’!” Joe jokes.

Keenan laughs, but we can see that he’s relieved to have escaped the Dare-Off by the skin of his teeth. He takes his place in the seated line-up of daredevils, as Trixie confirms this week’s results.

“So, that means our winner this week is Matt!” she announces, encouraging the audience to give Matt a hard-earned round of applause. She continues, “After the break, we’ll find out who we’re going to be saying goodbye to, as Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi take on the Live Dare-Off. Don’t go anywhere, we’re back with more Britain’s Most Daring after this!”

“What’s the point of going on a show called Britain’s Most Daring and refusing to do the dare?” Lissie asks, referring to Shanumi’s odd decision.

“Well, she didn’t actually do the dare to get on the show in the first place, did she?” Maddie reminds us. “She just made an eel out of lots of pieces!”

“She deserves to go out!” Lissie decides.

“I hope she doesn’t!” I state. “I like the fact she stood up for herself the way she did!”

[alli55]

“Who do you want to go out, then?” Lissie asks me.

“I don’t mind out of the other two. Both of them are letting themselves be controlled too much by their partners!” I declare.

“But isn’t that just putting their relationship above the need to do well at their dare?” Phil asks me. “As they should do!” he adds.

“Yeah,” I acknowledge, “but there should be some give and take in any relationship, and the give seems to be all one way with them!”

“Maybe the ‘give’ was letting them go on the show in the first place. That’s quite an intrusion into any relationship, I would have thought!”

That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place: he always sees things from a different perspective and makes me think about how I see things. I love that about him!

“Welcome back!” says Trixie. “All our daredevils have had their makeover,” she recaps, conveniently forgetting about Shanumi, “and Matt’s extreme transformation has won this week’s show for him.”

“Now, though,” Joe takes over, “we’re going to be losing one of wor daredevils. To find out who’ll be leaving us, it’s time for this week’s Live Dare-Off.”

“That’s right,” confirms Trixie, “our three lowest-scorers this week will take part in a special dare live in the studio to try to keep themselves in with a chance of becoming Britain’s Most Daring.”

“So, out you come, Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi!” instructs Joe. The three of them get up and walk over to join Trixie and Joe.

“Bradley,” Trixie says, “you’ve been here before!”

“Yeah, I got through that one, hopefully I can do the same again!”

“Mitchell, Shanumi,” she asks the other two, “how are you feeling?”

“Nervous!” admits Mitchell.

“I’ve got this nailed!” says Shanumi, confidently.

“Okay, here’s wor Dare Deliverer to tell you what you’ll be doing!” Joe informs them.

The familiar sultry-yet-powerful voice of the Dare Deliverer announces tonight’s live dare. “We’re going to play a little truth game. All you have to do is answer 5 simple questions! But, I dare you to be completely truthful. The one who answers least truthfully will be leaving Britain’s Most Daring tonight. Remember, my little daredevils, honesty is always the best policy!”

As she did before, Trixie has moved to the other side of the studio, where the three circular cubicles from last week are back. They have been modified slightly, with one of the seats in each replaced by a flat-screen monitor and a keypad. Above the cutaway front section of each cubicle is a row of five lights, which are all off at the moment.

“Okay, Joe,” Trixie calls to her co-presenter, “bring them across!”

Joe crosses the studio to join Trixie, bringing with him Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi. Before they are placed into their cubicles, Trixie explains the rules.

“You’re going to be shown 5 questions, each of which has two options, ‘A’ or ‘B’. You will have 10 seconds to choose one of the options as your answer. Remember, you’ve been dared to answer truthfully!” She concludes with a cautionary note, “And be warned, we have done our research!”

As the three daredevils take their seat in the cubicles, Trixie explains a little more to the studio audience and the viewers.

“We’ve rooted around on social media and spoken to family and friends, so we know what the honest answers to these questions should be. If their answers don’t match with what we know to be the truth, the light on the panel will go red. If they are truthful, it will go green. The person with the most red lights will be leaving the show.”

“Are you ready?” Joe asks Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi. They all confirm they are.

“Okay,” Trixie instructs, “let’s have our first question!”

The question appears simultaneously on the monitor in each cubicle and at the bottom of our screen. ‘What do you prefer to do on a normal Saturday night: (A) quiet night in or (B) out on the town?’ Above the question, the rest of the screen splits, showing us how all three are answering. Bradley and Mitchell have chosen A, whilst Shanumi has gone for B. No surprises there! When the 10 seconds are up, the first light on all three cubicles turns green. The three daredevils, of course, cannot see this.

“Next question!” requests Trixie.

‘Have you ever been in trouble with the police? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ Mitchell and Shanumi quickly press B, but Bradley seems to be in two minds. As his time runs out, he selects A. The second light on each cubicle also turns green. Bradley had obviously been considering lying about his misdemeanour!

“Question number 3, please!” Trixie says.

‘How far would you go on a first date? (A) No more than a kiss; (B) As far as I can get away with.’ Shanumi again hits B straight away, but the two men are having more trouble with this. Bradley eventually hits A, and, just before time is up, so does Mitchell. This time, they have not all been honest. Bradley and Shanumi get another green light, but Mitchell’s middle light turns red. The audience’s reaction gives the three daredevils a clue that something has happened.

“Can we have our next question, please?” asks Trixie.

‘Have you ever had a holiday romance? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ As ever, Shanumi is first to answer, selecting A. Mitchell goes for B, whilst Bradley also plumps for B after a fair bit of agonising. Only Shanumi gets a green light this time, meaning that she is now assured of her place on the show next week, although she is unaware of that, of course.

“Okay,” Trixie says, “time for our last question!”

‘When it comes to sex, size doesn’t matter. Is that (A) true or (B) false?’

I wonder how my family are feeling about that question. I like to think I am broad-minded and not easily embarrassed, so I have no problem with it. Phil, I think, will be a little more uncomfortable, not because he is embarrassed about discussing sex, but because of the presence of the two girls. Their reactions are what I am most interested in.

I look at Maddie, who is focussed intently on the TV. Is that just because she’s hooked, or is it to avoid the possibility of any embarrassing eye-contact with one of us at this moment?

Glancing at Lissie, I am somewhat at a loss to know precisely where she is in her emotional development. She, too, appears engrossed in the on-screen action. But I wonder about her awareness of sex and her reaction to its mention.

Shanumi giggles when she reads the question, but quickly answers B. Mitchell is also quick to answer, choosing A. Bradley once again takes the longest to make his mind up, finally picking B. His last light, together with Shanumi’s, turns green, whilst Mitchell’s goes red.

Before the daredevils are allowed out of their cubicles, the presenters wander over to them, ready to conduct a post-mortem.

Joe starts with Bradley. “So, who’s been a naughty boy, then?” he asks. “What did you do to get the police on your back?”

Bradley scrapes his hair back with his hands, and says, “I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly a few years back.”

“Oh yes …?” says Joe, leaving a pause for Bradley to fill.

“I don’t remember much about it, that’s how drunk I was, but I think I was caught watering a council flower display in the town centre!”

“And your holiday romance?”

“I’ve never had one!”

“We beg to differ!”

“Really?” Bradley says, then his expression changes as something from his past resurfaces. “Ah, yes!” he mutters.

“Ah, yes!” Joe repeats.

“I wouldn’t call it a holiday romance,” Bradley explains, “more like a roll on the beach after dark! And I was only 19 at the time!”

“I see!” Joe says, nodding knowingly.

“Mitchell,” Trixie says, “you’ve been telling us porkies, haven’t you?!”

He looks at her and shuffles in his seat, his face a mixture of guilt and embarrassment.

“No holiday romance?” she reminds him of his untruthful answers. “No further than a kiss on a first date?”

“Hmmm, yeah,” he says. “I haven’t dated for a long time, so what I’d do now is maybe different to what I did when I was a lot younger.”

“That’s sounds like a pretty feeble excuse!” Trixie declares. “But I’m more interested in your last answer,” she tells him, turning the screw of embarrassment a little further, “size doesn’t matter?”

“That’s right!” he confirms.

“Are you sure?” she says accusingly.

He gives a nervous laugh.

“Are we a little large or a touch on the tiny side?” she enquires, to the delight of the audience and the total embarrassment of Mitchell.

Mitchell’s only answer is another nervous laugh.

Maddie glances at me, obviously feeling somewhat awkward at having to share this subject matter with her parents; particularly, I assume, her Dad. I smile reassuringly, but I don’t think it helps.

I look down at Lissie, to see how she is reacting to Trixie’s questions, but I can’t really tell. I assume that, at nearly 13, she does at least know what Trixie is referring to, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind tells me that, maybe, it’s time for an awkward sit-down talk with my younger daughter.

Before Trixie can get any more intimate, Joe begins his questioning of Shanumi.

“You didn’t need much time to think about any of your answers, did you?” he comments.

“When you’re being honest, you don’t have to think about it, do you?” she replies.

“And were you being honest?” he asks, even though we know the answer to that question.

“You should know! You’ve done the research!”

The audience reaction suggests that they are not overly-impressed with the cockiness she’s displaying. But she pays no attention to them.

Trixie and Joe return to the front of the set and call the three daredevils over to join them. Shanumi glances over her shoulder, to see who has the most red lights. The two men don’t think of doing this, so are still unaware of who is on their way out of the show.

Once again, Trixie does away with all the theatrical pause-for-effect nonsense that bedevils so many reality and talent shows, simply announcing the result. “The person with the most dishonest answers, and therefore the person who will be leaving tonight, is Mitchell!”

Mitchell gives a small grimace, which suggests that he kind of expected it to be him. Bradley breathes a huge sigh of relief as he realises that he has survived his second Dare-Off.

“Bradley and Shanumi, you’ve survived, so you may go and take your seats with the others!” Trixie tells them. “Well done!

The two of them walk across the studio to re-take their seats, to the accompaniment of warm applause from the audience. Trixie and Joe stand either side of Mitchell.

“Well, Mitchell,” Joe says, “wor Dare Deliverer told you honesty was the best policy, and you got caught fibbing!”

“What can I say?” Mitchell replies. “You have done your research!”

“And how has being on Britain’s Most Daring been for you?” Trixie asks.

“I’ve enjoyed it! It’s been something a bit different, and I’m glad I gave it a go! It’s just a shame I haven’t been able to go a bit further!”

“Well, before we say goodbye to Mitchell,” Trixie tells us, “let’s have a look at how he did!”

A short montage follows, allowing us to see for the first time Mitchell being thrown off the end of Bournemouth pier. We then see him eating seaweed, before hearing once more his terrible ‘kelp me’ joke. This is followed by a clip of him in his celebrity bling posing for selfies with a bunch of excited kids, before the montage ends with Mitchell having fake tan applied to his arms by his girlfriend. The audience applaud Mitchell’s efforts.

“Ladies and gentlemen, one last time, Mitchell!” Trixie cries, as Mitchell nods at the camera, turns and walks off the set and out of Britain’s Most Daring.

“So, that’s Mitchell gone,” Joe says, “but we still have 13 daredevils left on the show.”

“Straight after we’ve finished tonight, they’ll find out what their next dare is,” Trixie states, “so make sure you tune in next week to see what they’re up against on Britain’s Most Daring!”

The two presenters wave as the camera pulls out and then pans around to show a distant shot of the 13 remaining daredevils, who are also waving. As the credits start to roll, the screen slowly fades to black behind them.

“I wonder what their next dare will be,” says Lissie.

“Who knows?” I tell her, and then decide to throw out a warning to Maddie. “And this week, Madeleine, we’ll have no rushing in telling us you can’t tell us anything, okay!?” I make sure she understands how serious I am about this by using her proper name.

“Yeah, Mam,” she says, “I’ll try to think before I say anything.”

That’s my girl!

[alli55]

We went to visit the girls’ Granny and Grampy on Sunday; or as we generally refer to my parents, Granny and Grumpy! It wasn’t something any of us really looked forward to, particularly not me. My Mam, Granny to the kids, is a lovely, kind-hearted mother, and a doting grandmother, and the girls love her to bits! But my Dad, well! He’s always been, shall we say, forthright in his views and not reticent about expressing them; but as he’s got older, he’s become more and more intolerant. It’s like he’s modelled himself on Victor Meldrew, but without the comedy mayhem to break up the constant grumbling! It’s got even worse since Maddie discovered how easily she could wind him up, and how much fun it was to then watch him ‘go off on one’ as she so eloquently puts it!

True to form, my Dad was reading the Mail on Sunday when we arrived. “Look at this!” he exploded, shortly after we’d walked in and sat down. He turned the paper towards me and Phil, allowing us to read the headline: ‘Outrage at Channel 4 show’. Below it was a picture of the new-look Matt, following his radical makeover at the hands of Shanice and Digger. Turning the paper back, Dad summarised the article for our benefit. “They made a young girl get a tattoo all the way up her arm, and they showed a man having his eyebrow pierced live on TV! Can you believe it?!”

Nice to see the Mail reporting things with their usual unbiased, accurate journalistic skill!

“Who watches this rubbish?” he continued.

I shot Phil a warning look that screamed “don’t you dare!” loudly and clearly. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Phil I needed to worry about!

Lissie had been delayed coming in by the arrival of a message from Luisa, one of her schoolfriends, that she’d decided was important enough and urgent enough to require an immediate phone call in return. So, she’d stayed outside while me, Phil, and Maddie had gone in. Having made her call, she then entered the lion’s den. Going across to say hello to her Grampy, she spotted the picture on the front of his newspaper. Before I could do anything to warn her or stop her, she said, “Oh, there’s Matt!”

My Dad looked at her, his facial muscles not knowing what to do, since they were unclear what expression he required. “You watch this programme, Melissa?” he asked.

I was frantically shaking my head, but she hadn’t looked my way by the time she answered, “Yeah, it’s wicked!” Maddie, who was sitting directly in my eyeline, looked at me with possibly the most mischievous grin that I’d ever seen on her face!

Grumpy turned to face me. Oh, God, I knew what was coming: another lecture on how my parenting skills were lacking in certain areas. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had that particular conversation!

“Emma!” he began, his brow furrowed in disapproval. “I want to say I’m surprised at you for letting the girls watch rubbish like this, but, quite frankly, I’m not surprised! You’ve always lacked judgement!”

I was having enormous trouble keeping a straight face and suppressing an urgent need to snigger. Not because I wasn’t taking my Dad seriously, although I wasn’t; no, the cause of my strife was my eldest daughter, grinning impishly whilst she admonished me with the wagging of her index finger. Somehow, I held myself together the only way I could: by saying nothing and thinking of something completely off-topic, in this case the various options we had at home for dinner that evening.

When Grumpy realised he wasn’t going to get a response from me, he turned back to his newspaper. It wasn’t much more than 20 seconds before he exploded again. “It gets worse!” he announced. “Apparently, they were discussing the size of a man’s, ... well, you know!”

I watched Maddie and Lissie swap sly glances and stifle giggles.

“What is it coming to?!” he asked, rhetorically. “I mean, is that sort of thing really necessary? There were probably children watching! Well,” he corrected himself, “we know there were children watching, don’t we Emma?!” He gave me another disapproving look.

I shot back a stern look; not at him, but at Maddie, who I could tell had just spotted an opportunity to get Grumpy going properly. The naughty little madam chose to pretend she hadn’t seen me warning her not to do it.

“Why is it so bad for children to know about things like that, Grampy?” she asked, all innocently, whilst her younger sister desperately fought off an attack of the giggles. “I mean, without it, there wouldn’t be children in the first place, would there?!”

Oh, God! Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my Mam purse her lips as she prepared for the tidal wave of apoplexy that would surely surge forth. It did, relentlessly, for the next five minutes or more! In the end, I had to step in and rescue my Dad from the torture that his evil granddaughter was inflicting on him!

“Dad, I need your advice on something,” I told him. “I think I can hear a knocking sound from the engine when I’m driving, can you see what you think?”

Phil was about to wonder aloud just what I was talking about, but stopped when I dug an elbow into his ribs, as gently as I could under the circumstances! I took Grumpy outside to listen for the non-existent noise, whilst Granny found something more constructive for the girls to do with their time!

The following day, after school, Maddie was back round to Stacie’s! This time, when she came home, she had news of Gemma that she could actually share with the rest of us!

“Gemma has been down in London at the studios since Saturday. She hasn’t got back yet,” she said. “Apparently all the daredevils were there all weekend.”

“What on earth are they doing?” wondered Lissie aloud.

By the time Stacie got home from school on Tuesday, with Maddie for company once more, Gemma had been and gone. The only trace of her presence was a rather colourful wash-basin in the bathroom, where the rainbow hairstyle had been removed. Stacie’s Mam revealed that Gemma had gone in to work, so Maddie hung around long enough for Gemma to return. She was to be disappointed, though, because, after saying “hi!” to her and asking after us, Gemma apologised for not being able to talk longer because she had to pack. She was, she told Maddie, off to Glasgow until Friday night, and was then going straight from there to the studio for next week’s show.

Armed with that information, which she dutifully passed on to us, Maddie brought Stacie round to ours after school for most of the rest of the week, much to the delight of Lissie and her friend, Rayna. We have an arrangement with Rayna’s Mam, who is a single-parent, that when she has a week that she has to work the later shift, Rayna comes to us until her Mam picks her up on her way home from work. This was one of those weeks. Lissie and Rayna pumped Stacie for as much information as they could get out of her, but, unfortunately for them, Stacie didn’t know what Gemma was up to this week either.

[alli55]

Lissie joins us in the living room, ready for this week’s Britain’s Most Daring, wearing her pyjamas and carrying her sleeping bag along with the usual pillow.

“I’ve just had a bath,” she explains, “and I can’t be bothered to get dressed. But I’ll get cold just in my p-j’s, so I’ve got this to keep warm in.”

Phil shakes his head and sighs.

Lissie unrolls the sleeping bag and zips herself into it. She’s still wriggling around trying to get comfortable when the TV announcer begins his introduction.

“Our Saturday evening’s entertainment here on Channel 4 continues now with a special musical extravaganza.”

The screen fills with the opening panoramic scene from ‘The Sound Of Music’. To a building crescendo from the orchestral backing track, we fly over trees and meadows, spotting the figure of Julie Andrews on the hilltop below us. As we zoom in, she spins round to face us and opens her mouth ready to deliver that famous first line …

There is the sound of a needle being lifted clumsily off a record, and Julie Andrews disappears in an instant, replaced by the opening titles of Channel 4’s edgy gameshow. Once again, they have been tweaked to include a few clips from last week’s show. As they come to an end, loud applause is heard and the screen fades to black before white writing appears: ‘Last week on Britain’s Most Daring …’

We have come to expect a frantic opening montage, and we are not disappointed. This time, though, there are no highlight clips from last week’s show. Instead, we simply see a rapidly changing set of still images of the 14 daredevils who were on the show last week. They flash onto the screen and off again with alarming speed. As each daredevil’s image returns, they have changed slightly, until, by their last appearance, they have morphed into the way they looked after their makeover. The montage begins with an image of Shanumi, and the sharp-eyed viewer will note that we don’t see her again until the very last shot, when she looks exactly the same as she did at the start. The screen fades to black as the number 14 appears in red; behind these digits we see a clip of Mitchell leaving the show, and the 4 changes to a 3; the screen fades to black again and the number 13 disappears too.

To the sound of another enthusiastic round of applause, the scene quickly cuts to a long-shot of the two presenters in the studio. We zoom in until they fill the frame, standing next to each other, waiting for the audience’s clapping and cheering to die down. Trixie is wearing a sparkling silver off-the-shoulder dress, which comes down to just above her knees; Joe, we are astonished to see, is wearing a tuxedo, complete with bow tie.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,” Trixie begins, “and welcome to Britain’s Most Daring, with me, Trixie Stonehill …”

“… and me, Joe Denecker,” Joe says, as usual.

Trixie appears to be about to say something, when she stops and looks at Joe. “Going somewhere special after the show?” she asks him, cheekily referring to his unusually smart appearance.

“No!” he tells her.

“Auditioning for one of the DAPAs’ positions, perhaps?” she suggests. We see the DAPAs place their hands against their cheeks and give us a horrified look.

“No!” Joe replies again.

“Well,” Trixie remarks, “there has to be some reason for it!” She indicates with a sweep of her hand that by ‘it’ she means Joe’s tuxedo.

“I just thought I’d bring a special look to tonight’s special show!” he explains.

“Oh!” she says.

“And I see you’ve gone all sparkly on us, as well!” he adds.

“Yeah, do you like it?”

Joe produces a pair of very black sunglasses from the top pocket of his tux, puts them on and says, “I do now!” Trixie puts her hands on her hips and gives him an exasperated look.

The banter over, Trixie looks into camera and delivers her next line. “After losing Mitchell last week, we have 13 daredevils left, vying with each other to be crowned Britain’s Most Daring.”

“And it will be unlucky 13 for someone,” Joe continues, “because, as always, we’ll be losing one of wor daredevils at the end of tonight’s show. As we all know, on this show, if you flop you’re dropped!”

“Tonight, though, we have a very special show for you,” Trixie says, enticingly. “Just what it is will become clear when we hear from our very own Dare Deliverer. This is how she broke the news to the daredevils after last week’s show.”

The daredevils, in their full makeover outfits, are sitting in their chairs as usual. Trixie and Joe are standing, together, at one end of the rows. We can see that all the daredevils are holding a white envelope.

“Okay,” Trixie tells them, “we need you to open your envelopes and show us what’s inside!”

They do so, and we can see that there are three letters, ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’; presumably, this means there are three different dares as well.

We focus on Gemma and see that she is holding the letter ‘B’. Now we know which dare to particularly listen out for.

Once all the letters are revealed, we hear the familiar sultry voice of the Dare Deliverer. “Well, my little daredevils,” she says, “this week you are going to be doing some group dares! Won’t that be nice! All those of you holding the letter ‘A’, I dare you to go busking together; you must collect as much money as you can! Those of you with the letter ‘B’, I dare you to get together and form a choir; I’ve arranged for you to appear at a very special concert! All of you with the letter ‘C’, I dare you to join forces to get a crowd of football fans singing along with you, but no naughty rude chants! Have fun, my lovelies, and remember …”

We hear Julie Andrews’ first line that had been so cruelly cut off at the start of the show: “The hills are alive with the sound of music,” before we return to Trixie and Joe live in the studio. Joe has removed his dark glasses.

We look at each other, all seeking an answer to the same question: can Gemma sing? None of us appears to know the answer!

“Yes,” Trixie declares, excitedly, “we have a musical extravaganza for you this evening!”

“Never mind the X-Factor,” grins Joe, “this is going to be the why-factor!”

“The Y-Factor?” Trixie asks, misunderstanding Joe for comic effect.

“Yes,” he tells her, “why did we ever think this was a good idea!”

She smirks, but presses on regardless. “Let’s see what our daredevils thought of their latest dare!” she says.

The screen returns us to after last week’s show, as we watch the less-glamorous versions of Trixie and Joe interview each of the daredevils in turn. This serves as a useful way of showing us who will be doing each dare.

We, of course, are watching carefully, to see who will be joining Gemma in the choir.

First to be interviewed is the youngest daredevil, 18-year-old student, Dylan. Trixie does the honours. “So Dylan, what have you got?”

He shows her his card with the letter ‘A’ on it. “I’m busking, apparently!”

“Ever done that before?”

“No, and I can’t sing or play any kind of instrument either!”

“So, not looking forward to it, then?”

“Yeah, I’ll have a blast!” he assures her.

We see Joe and Ayla next. “Let’s see your card, Ayla!” Joe asks. Ayla reveals she is in the ‘B’ group. “Ever sung in a choir?”

“No!”

“Ever wanted to?”

“No!”

“Excited about it?”

“Take a guess!” Ayla answers, with a quick raise of her eyebrows.

“Shanumi,” begins Trixie, “which letter have you got?”

“C!” replies Shanumi, showing us the card by way of confirming this.

“How many football songs do you know?”

“I hate football!” she informs the world.

“Not happy with this dare, then?”

“Not really!” Shanumi admits. “I’d have loved to have been in the choir!”

“We’re not going to see another refusal, are we?”

“Definitely not!” she promises. “I’m doing this!”

“Keenan,” Joe instructs, “reveal all!” Keenan holds up his card, which has the letter ‘C’ on it.
“So, you’re off to the football with Shanumi! How d’you feel about that?”

“Let’s hope it’s a good game!” Keenan grins.

“What about leading the chants?”

“Yeah, that’s alright!” he says, without sounding too convinced about it.

“Where are you hoping you might be?”

“Anywhere except Arsenal! I hate Arsenal!”

Trixie is standing next to James. “What have you got?” she asks him. He shows her a card with a ‘C’ on it. “Another one for the football!” she remarks. “Well …?”

“Oh, God!” he says. He doesn’t need to add anything.

“Not a good dare for you, I take it?!”

“My singing voice doesn’t just break records,” James quips, “it shatters everything!”

“Ah!” says Trixie.

“So, heaven help the poor souls at whatever football game we turn up to!”

“Eilidh, which one have you got?” Joe asks.

“B,” Eilidh replies, “the choir one.”

“Please tell us we’ve got at least one person who can sing!” Joe pleads.

“Oh, aye, I love singing! I was in the school choir all the way up to Year 11!”

“Wow! So, this is right up your street, then?!”

“Aye, I just hope I’ve got some decent voices tae work with me!”

“Bradley,” begins Trixie, “which dare have you got?”

“The busking one!” he tells her, as he holds up his ‘A’ card.

“You’ve been in the Dare-Off both times so far,” Trixie reminds him. “Are we likely to see you there again this week?”

“I hope not!”

“But …” Trixie encourages him to say more.

“No buts! I’ll get my guitar and see what I can do with it!”

“Show us your card, Gemma,” Joe tells the rainbow-haired teenager. She holds up a card on which a large letter ‘B’ is printed. “So, you’re in the choir!” he points out.

“Yeah! I’m looking forward to it!”

“Have you done anything like this before?”

“No, but I’m always singing in the shower at home!”

“There’s an image I’m going to take away with me tonight!” declares Joe. Poor Gemma blushes bright red. Joe puts a hand on her arm and gives her a kind smile. “Dinna worry lass,” he tells her, “you’ll be champion!”

“Well, Tommy, …?” Trixie says to the Yorkshire regional winner. It’s hard to imagine anyone looking less like a singer than the weather-beaten Tommy!

“I’m in the choir as well!” he tells her, showing her his ‘B’.

“Are you going to surprise us and tell us you’ve sung in a choir all your life?” she asks, impertinently.

“I’d like to,” he teases, “but, no, I’ve never sung in a choir.”

“How’s your singing voice?”

“We’ll find out, won’t we?!”

“Matt,” says Joe, “don’t say you’re in the choir as well!” Matt holds up his card. There’s a ‘B’ on it. He is in the choir! “Is it good news for the other choir members?” Joe enquires.

“Only if they’re deaf!” jokes Matt.

“So, not looking forward to this week then?”

“Not really, but you’ve just got to make the best of it and get through!”

“Positivity,” comments Joe, “that’s what we like!”

“Mia, hold up your card, please,” instructs Trixie. Mia does so, revealing an ‘A’ in the process.
“Busking: ever done it before?” asks Trixie.

“Yeah, every summer me and a mate have a pitch near the pier.”

“At last, someone who knows what they’re doing!”

“I love it! I love the reaction you get from the public! It’s brilliant! Everyone should try it!”

“Which dare are you doing?” Joe asks Tariq.

“The football one, innit!” Tariq replies, showing his letter ‘C’ to the camera.

“We know you’re a big QPR fan,” Joe recalls, “so, presumably that’s where you want to be leading the singing?!”

“Nah,” says Tariq, surprising everyone with his answer, “that’d be way too embarrassing, bruv! Anyway, we’re away at Wolves next Saturday, innit.”

“Any good at singing?”

“What do you think?”

“I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’!” grins Joe.

“What’s on your card, Jaz?” enquires Trixie.

“I’ve got an A!” Jaz answers, showing us her card to prove it.

“Which means you’re going busking!” Trixie tells her. “How does that sound?”

“I wasn’t looking forward to it, until I heard what Mia said,” she reveals, “but now I reckon it could be a whole lot of fun!”

“You’re hoping Mia will teach you a trick or two?”

“Exactly!” Jaz confirms. “It’ll be really good to see how she does it!”

The interviews over, we return to the live-in-the-studio, all-glammed-up versions of Trixie and Joe.

“So, that’s what our daredevils thought about their musical dares,” Trixie says. “Join us after the break to see how they got on! We’ll be right back with more Britain’s Most Daring, after this!”

“They must have been rehearsing last weekend;” Maddie states, “that’s why Gemma didn’t get back from the studios until Monday night!”

“Probably!” I agree.

“And then the concert thing must have been in Glasgow last night,” Maddie continues, piecing together the evidence of the past week to come up with her conclusion.

“Mmm-hmmm,” I reply.

“Wow!” exclaims Lissie. “I wonder what sort of concert it was!”

There is quiet for a moment, as we all try to imagine the possibilities.

[alli55]

“Gemma’s got a really nice singing voice!” Lissie announces, out of the blue.

“How do you know?” Maddie asks.

“She used to sing to me when I was little.”

“When was that?” I enquire.

“When she lived with us.”

“You remember that?” I ask, surprised. “You were only 3 or 4 at the time!”

“I can remember it like it was yesterday. You used to come upstairs with me and get me ready for bed. And then, after you’d tucked me in and gone back downstairs, Gemma used to come into my room and sing lullabies to me.”

“Did she?” I say, belatedly angry that Gemma had kept little Lissie up later than she should.

“Yeah,” Lissie remembers, “I used to love her singing to me! She had a really nice voice, all soft and gentle. I bet she still has!”

“Her voice won’t be the same,” I warn my youngest daughter, “that was 9 years ago. Gemma’s an adult now, so her voice will have changed from when she was 10.”

“But I bet it’s still soft and gentle and lovely!” she insists. “I can’t wait to hear her sing again!”

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring’s Musical Extravaganza!” beams Trixie, her dress reflecting the studio lights in a sparkling series of twinkles.

“Wor daredevils have all been given a singing dare to complete,” Joe reminds us.

“Yes,” Trixie continues, “and it’s a special group dare this week, so they’ve been divided into three groups. And, to look after each group, we’ve brought in some of our favourite Britain’s Most Daring presenters.” She looks at Joe, adding, “And I don’t mean you!”

“Thank you very much!” replies Joe. “I notice you’re not on the list, either!”

“Exactly!” Trixie remarks, leaving us uncertain what she means by that.

“After a night to think about it,” Joe says, “the following morning the groups got together for the first time. Let’s see what happened!”

Trixie introduces the next segment, “First up, the choir. Here’s Lorna to tell us more.”

Lorna is standing in a corridor, next to a door marked ‘Studio 4’. She is wearing a vibrant green silk blouse above a black knee-length skirt, and has a small yellow flower pinned into her hair.

“The other side of this door,” she informs us, “the five members of our choir are finding out what talents they each might be able to bring to this dare. Let’s go and join them!”

She opens the door and enters, leaving us to follow her in. Once through, we see Ayla, Eilidh, Gemma, Matt, and Tommy sat on plastic chairs in a vaguely semi-circle arrangement. They all look across at us, to see who is intruding on their session.

“Hi guys!” Lorna says cheerfully to them. They respond with varying degrees of energy and enthusiasm. “So,” she continues, “where are we at?”

Eilidh answers, “We’re working out what everyone can and cannae do, in terms of singing.”

“Okay,” Lorna bubbles, “and what have we discovered?”

“I think us girls should be okay, but Matt’s definitely gonnae be a probem! I’m not really sure about Tommy, he’s no giving much away!” Eilidh reveals. In the background, we see Matt smiling and agreeing.

“That sounds promising!” Lorna says, exuding positivity. “And what do we do with Matt?”

“We hav’nae got that far yet!”

As the only one of the group with experience of singing in a choir, Eilidh has assumed leadership for now, and the others seem quite happy to go along with that.

We notice that neither of the two Scots girls are wearing their makeover outfits, but Gemma still has her rainbow hairstyle. The boys, obviously, can do nothing about their radical new looks!

“Great!” Lorna enthuses again. “It sounds like it’s going really well!” They nod. “So,” she continues, “I’m here to tell you a bit more about the concert you’ll be performing in.” The five daredevils all notably lean forward in their seats, eager to hear what Lorna has to tell them. “So, there’s a very special concert on Friday evening at the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall,” she tells them, “in aid of Heads Together. As I’m sure you know, Heads Together is the campaign to bring mental health issues out into the open. It is fronted by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry; and William is hoping to be at the concert, along with Harry and Meghan.”

There are audible gasps from the others as the enormity of what Lorna has just said hits them: they are going to be singing in front of royalty!

“It’s not a pop concert as such,” Lorna continues. “There’s a real mix of styles, Susan Boyle is headlining, and it’s being hosted by Kevin Bridges, the comedian, I don’t know if you know him.”

“Aye,” exclaims Ayla, “he’s really good!”

“Well, anyway,” Lorna goes on, “we’ve got you a 10-minute slot in the concert, and the organisers are expecting three songs in that slot. So, now you know what you have to aim for!” Once she has finished speaking, she exits the room, leaving us to stay behind with the daredevils.

Goodness me! I can hardly believe what I’ve just seen and heard!

“You didn’t say anything about that!” Lissie says, accusingly, to Maddie.

“That’s ’cos I didn’t know!” Maddie exclaims.

“I can’t believe it!” Lissie continues.

“I know!” agrees Maddie. “Just imagine! Singing in front of William and Harry! I think I’d die of embarrassment or nerves!”

“No wonder they were rehearsing so much!” I comment.

There is a stunned silence in Studio 4 after Lorna has left. Tommy and Matt are shaking their heads in near-disbelief, whilst Gemma appears to be staring into space. Eilidh’s confident leadership has evaporated as she sits with her hands pressed against the underside of her chin. Ayla quietly looks around at the others; she is the first one to speak.

“Right, well,” she begins, “we’d better make sure we put on a damn good performance, then! Eh? What d’you say guys? Let’s show ’em what we can do!”

“Yeah,” agrees Tommy, “let’s do this!”

“Whatever it takes!” emphasises Ayla.

Back, live, in the studio, Trixie and Joe seem to be equally surprised by Lorna’s news, though, we imagine, that must simply be scripted surprise, given that the concert took place yesterday!

“Well,” states Joe, “that’s put the cat amongst the pigeons!”

“It has certainly increased the pressure on our choir to do their dare well!” Trixie agrees.

“We’ll see how they cope with that pressure a little later,” Joe informs us.

“Next, though, let’s see how the football group are getting on!” Trixie says. “Here’s Aleksandra with the low-down.”

Aleksandra is in a similar corridor to the one we saw Lorna in just now, only the door she is standing next to leads to Studio 2. As always, Aleksandra is looking stunning, with a really interesting mauve top drawing our eyes to her middle, below which she is wearing a dark micro mini-skirt. The top itself is perfectly normal until her midriff, when it becomes a series of criss-crossing strings that attach to a thin strip of material wrapped around her waist.

“Shall we see how our football-loving funsters are getting on in there?” she asks us, gesturing with her hand to the studio door. “Come with me!” she instructs, and we do.

James, Tariq, and Keenan are all stood at one end of the room, in various poses that each displays a degree of frustration. They are all looking at Shanumi, who is sitting in the middle of the room, staring back at them, with her arms folded across her chest, striking a defiant pose. We assume that she is the cause of their frustration.

“Hello, my friends!” Aleksandra greets them. They all look at her but none of them say anything. “Oh dear,” she says, “you don’t look very happy! Something is wrong, I think!” She looks enquiringly at each of them in turn, but no-one seems to want to be the first to speak.

As we wait for someone to say something, we see that Tariq has ditched his smart look from the previous night. We are also aware that Keenan is Keenan once more, and not Special K. James, though, is still wearing his hairpiece.

Aleksandra uses this to try to break the ice. She edges over to James and flirtily ruffles his hair. “I love this,” she tells him, “it feels so real!”

We see just the hint of a blush from James, as he says, “It’s a good job you do! I’m stuck with it at the moment! I tried to get the damn thing off last night, but I couldn’t shift it! God knows what Els stuck it on with!”

The others laugh at his predicament, and the tension in the room eases.

“So,” Aleksandra continues, “I have something to tell you! But you have to be nice to each other before I do! No more sulky-sulky! Is that a deal?”

Four affirmative responses are either heard or seen, so Aleksandra reveals some more details about their dare.

“On Friday, there is a little football game in something called the F. A. Cup. It is Chelsea against Aston Villa and it is at Wembley Stadium. You are going to be leading some entertainment before the game, when you must try to get the fans of each team to sing louder than the others! I think it is going to be a lot of fun!”

“Oh, man!” Tariq says quietly to himself, shaking his head.

“Be nice!” Aleksandra tells them, as she exits the studio without us.

Keenan claps his hands together twice to get everyone’s attention. “Okay,” he says, “we’ve got to sort this!”

We return to Trixie and Joe, and find them looking suitably impressed once more.

“That’s another high-pressure dare, that!” comments Joe.

“It certainly is!” Trixie concurs. “It’ll be interesting to see if they can resolve whatever problems they appear to have!”

“We’ll return later to see whether that’s possible,” Joe says.

“But, before we do,” Trixie adds, “we should drop in on our buskers! There was only person we could ask to take on this motley band: it had to be Lowri!”

We find ourselves in another identical corridor, next to a door that only differs from the previous two because of the number after the word ‘Studio’. This one has a 6 on it. Lowri is leaning against the door, holding a harmonica. She is dressed as some sort of wannabe hippy, with a flowery loose-fitting blouse and a flowing yellow-and-brown skirt. The look is completed by a garland of flowers she is wearing around her head.

“Right,” she tells us, “I’ve got the gear, so let’s do some busking, shall we?!”

She pushes the door open and gives a quick blast on the harmonica as she walks into the studio. The four daredevils look up, startled by her entrance and bemused by her appearance.

“What’s happening then, guys?” she asks them, before blowing another note on the harmonica.

Dylan, who is more used to her irrepressible nature than the others, is the only one not too stunned to answer.

“We’re just working out what we can all actually do when we go busking,” he tells her.

“Okay,” she says, “so what have we learned?”

“Well, Bradley’s got his guitar,” Dylan begins, “Mia can do all sorts of stuff, and we’re trying to persuade Jaz to sing.”

“What about you?” Lowri asks.

“I’m holding the collecting tin!” he laughs.

Lowri takes a quick look around the group, then says, “Well, Mia, I s’pose you’ll be wanting someone to play harmonica for you!”

Mia looks at her. “Can I get back to you on that?!” she says.

“Well, before you do, let me tell you a bit more about your dare,” Lowri replies. “So, you’re going to be spending four hours busking around Bristol Harbourside next Saturday morning. You have to collect as much money as you can, which we’ll then donate to Caring In Bristol, which supports homeless and vulnerable people in the city. But you’re not allowed to tell people that you’re collecting for charity, they have to think you’re keeping the money yourselves! Obviously, we want a nice big total to hand over to Caring In Bristol! So, no pressure, whatsoever!” She gives them a final, assertive blast on her harmonica and then exits, leaving us behind.

“We’ve got to make this good!” remarks Jaz.

“Yeah,” agrees Mia, “we need to make sure we are interesting enough to attract people’s attention and good enough to get them to part with their money!”

“Oh my days!” exclaims Dylan.

“Who on earth let Lowri have that harmonica?” Joe asks Trixie, when we return to them, live in the studio. “That’s like a lethal weapon in her hands!”

“Never mind the busking,” Trixie adds, “I think Mia’s got her hands full keeping Lowri under control!”

“But it’s another dare with plenty of pressure to perform,” comments Joe. “We’re playing for high stakes this week!”

“Yes, we are,” nods Trixie, before addressing the viewers at home, “so make sure you join us for more Britain’s Most Daring after the break!”

We are still coming to terms with the shock of finding out that Gemma is going to be singing in front of the young royals. Maddie is texting furiously on her phone.

“I’d love to know how the concert went!” Lissie tells us.

“Wouldn’t we all!” replies her father.