28/female/slave seeks 21+/any sex/dom in (see post)

[Sexyplant]

28/female/slave seeks 21+/any sex/dom in (see post)

Another year, another ad, isn’t that how the saying goes? In all seriousness, taking time to reflect, has made me realize that I need motivation to make life changes. Mostly ones based on health and fitness. I have found success in the brief months I was an exercise slave to LPV and briefly to bee9 and have found that I need a proactive and active approach. Hence incorporating kink to reinforce positive behavior through habits. So I am searching for someone again, hopefully in a relatively local timezone (+/- six hour at most) which will make reporting easier. I don’t have a preference towards age and gender for this.

Please note, I will need someone who is active and around. I am not expecting an everyday kind of thing, but at least every three days. I will try my best to do the same. The best way to reach me these days is through Skype or Discord. I am terrible at checking Kik, and it doesn’t allow me a way to save my progress and record my journey to more effectively self-reflect. I find self-reflection healthy in any form of relationship, whether kink-wise or vanilla.

I am a 28-year-old American living in the Midwest (GMT-6), in an apartment with her two cats. My hobbies are writing and reading, but I have always had an interest to branch out more and try new things, in particular gardening (both indoors and outdoors), exploring nature areas, sewing, cooking, cultural exploration, and video games. Some things I want to try include dance or ballet, figure skating, ceramics, painting, and learning a foreign language.

Goals:

I would like to improve myself in the ways I can. I’d like to learn how to look in the mirror and like what I see. Not just in looks, but that would definitely help, but also in how I carry myself. I keep getting told by people that they see greatness in me and that I am a good person, but whenever I look at myself, I cannot see it at all. I just see all my failings in the mirror and wonder, well, is this all there is to me?

I want to eat healthier. First, I’d like to start with increasing my fruit and vegetable intake and want to drink healthier drinks. Whether that means getting back into tea again or drinking more water than I usually do, I want to get healthy fluids in my body each day. I already have a list of goals that I am more than willing to share, and I am more than willing to create more, especially short-term ones. I tend to make a lot of long-term SMART goals, but short-term is always harder for me. I would be more than willing to work with you to create those.

I want to be able to be more physically active, to see the world outside my apartment. Even if transportation is limited, there are some green areas nearby my apartment. As with activity, that could be yoga, an exercise regimen, dance. Just something that keeps me engaged and my growth can be seen. I want to be more social (both on and offline) and make connections that can open the door to new opportunities.

I want to be able to see beauty and joy in life, to actually live for once instead of surviving. I want to find joy in BDSM and kink, to actually be able to be more consistently horny versus going through months of dry spells. And I want to make and use all the tools in my tool kit: journaling, therapy, support systems, so I can stop being held back by trauma, and instead move past it and reclaim my life. At the end of the day, I want to be happier with myself.

This will probably be a long-term type of thing that will require patience and understanding. I will warn that with my depression and anxiety, it is very difficult to turn on the switch to kink and sexual things. As it is, withholding me from playing with a part of myself often backfires as a punishment because I don’t really have the drive to do so when I’m depressed, and I don’t see touching myself as a tantalizing enough reward. I need something that engages me, that makes me want to please. A reward system that is friendly to my libido-less side of depression and anxiety, yet one that allows for exploration when my libido decides to exist. Stressors make it harder, but I am willing to try my best.

What I am dealing with:

Depression, anxiety, an ever-fluctuating part-time work schedule, cats that don’t know that early morning is time to let their human sleep, and of course, medical issues. My job and weight have contributed to giving me the lovely condition: Plantar Fasciitis which is a lovely condition where my already low arches became flatter while my calves have become tighter than ever and to have limited flexibility. I do suffer from several vitamin deficiencies which I am being medicated for. One is a vitamin D deficiency and another is Vitamin B12 which is within a healthy range, but on the lower end for depression/anxiety-induced folks.

It’s a challenge to juggle my mental health, physical health, social health, and work-life balance. In fact, it’s harder with a lack of self-discipline, self-control, and self-motivation which in turn stems from a lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and poor self-image. I have always weighted myself against this vision of who I want to be and found myself lacking. I am actively working with my therapist to fix this issue, but I do find barriers in my life - a very unrewarding job (retail seldom is), limited transportation, a limited network. All these things are hard enough, but add mental illness, and what’s already hard becomes inhibiting.

Currently, I am working up to 24 hours/week in retail because I don’t have the mental fortitude to work 40 hours/week without burning out in two months. These shifts can fluctuate from being as early as 7:30 am or getting home as late as 10:00 pm, be between four to eight hours long, and the days are not set in stone, which is a con, but there are benefits to following this work model: time to rest and rebuild my work-life balance.

Additionally, the reduced load is so I can get get assistance for food and medical, thus allowing myself to have some flexibility with my health and diet needs. It’s not an ideal life, but it’s allowing me to survive for now. I want to eventually find a job where I am not dependent on aid, one that is closer to my support system, and one that is realistic and that I can handle. If it’s part-time, that would be ideal as long as I am able to sustain myself.

That said, I will be battling my depression as I do so. And this manifests in many ways. Poor spending habits, poor self-image, lack of self-care and self-love, self-isolation, a tendency to warp what is said about myself (and/or refusal to see positive in myself), poor discipline, and poor work-life balance.
Regarding spending habits; getting myself takeout, delivery, or prepared food from the nearby gas station or store versus cooking at home. This has made my diet get worse in the past four months, as demonstrated by large portions, poor proportions, and not getting proper nutrients.

My anxiety often occurs as an effect of my depression. Poor spending leads to anxiety of not being able to support myself financially and of wasting food. Poor self-image leads to anxiety of people just tolerating me and becoming overly dependent at best or cutting off support so I don’t burden others. Poor self-care and love lead me to be anxious about developing a variety of health problems. Not being able to discipline myself properly leads to fear of spiraling out of control. It’s a vicious cycle and I hate it.

At the end of the day, I think I owe it to myself and my cats to make improvements to my lifestyle. Because, I am not happy with who I am, and I’d like to be able to look at myself one day and at least like what I see. I want to be a person who I can be proud of. To be able to at least love myself as much as others love me. To be able to make healthy decisions and grow without inhibitions.

In Closing:

Currently, I cannot motivate myself to do any of this alone. I have my doctor and therapist, however, their focus will be more on my mental and physical state – so I am looking to add to this network and that's where you come in. They won’t be able to motivate me or hold me accountable for my actions, and while natural consequences will in the future, I want to prevent and mitigate that from happening. So if you are willing to take on the task, I am more than happy to work with you as well so I can get myself on the right track and improve my life on any or all of these things.

Two more things I must add. Yes, I do have a Master currently but he's taking a less active role to help me explore and grow. I do talk to him to update him, but currently he supports the fact that I'm looking elsewhere for training.

Yes, I currently identify as ace and lesbian. When I have more time tonight I will add more information in a blogpost.

And of course, please PM me. As always I typically ignore one-liner sentences. Please tell me why you think you are a good fit and show examples.

Thank you.

[Twisted_Master]

Wow, what a splendid advert! Well done for explaining your situation and what you seek so thoroughly. I hope you find the right person!