Not obedient girlfriend

[techiegirl]

If she isn't ready then give her time to figure out if she is. There is zero point trying to do bdsm if she can't talk about it. She might like kinky things, but that doesn't make her a submissive or even mean she wants to be. Give her time to open up and be more comfortable with kink.

[Wedgiebondagebabe]

From what I am reading... She is not your submissive and you are not her dom. Bottom line. Period. With that being said.

She needs to come to what she wants on her own. You seem to not know why she does not want to talk about sex and this kind of thing. Maybe you should find the answer to that before assuming what what she is like. Honestly, it seems like you have a communication problem and not a misbehavior problem.

Secondly, CONSENT, CONSENT, and oh yeh, CONSENT. Whether you like it or not does not matter. If you force her into doing things she is not ready for or does not like, you risk the chance of ruining her mentally and emotionally. You risk the chance of abuse, rape, and molestation at a worse case scenario.

My advice? Slow the fuck down. (yes I said fuck, the situation demands it). You are forcing something on her that it does not sound like she wants. Also as someone who cannot even orgasm because their mind is shutting down and their body shuts down (yes I have cried over the fact I cannot orgasm and I have had emotional break downs over it), take my advice. Baby steps. If you try to push her mind into something she is not ready for, you can push her down the wrong road. BDSM is more than physical interaction. If you want to someday become her master, you need to understand more than her physical behaviors. You have to understand her on many levels so that when and if this becomes more serious you know how to handle a scene. I would recommend going through the blog section. Anything written by IceMaiden, Butterfly, Sir Sam, Sub.Lucy, Abusive Master, and a lot of other more known people on this site have some information that you can use AS A GUIDE to help guide how you want to shape your BDSM personality.

Also it might be a good time to figure out if your needs and wants align with hers. It sounds like you want more out of the kink relationship than she might want or want to experience. As listed above, talk to her. I cannot stress it enough. If she does close up and pull back, then let it be, but let her know that you just want to know so you don't force her into something she does not want. Also have her join this site. I would love to chat with her in PM if she is willing. Its different to hear things from girl to girl than talking to a significant other. It is scary telling someone what you want and don't want.

My last words on the matter. RESPECT HER wishes. If she says no, in the moment leave it at that. Later, you can ask her what she does not like about it in more detail. If she struggles to verbally state things, ask her to write it down as well. AS of right now, you are two equals in a relationship with equal say. No one has more control over one than the other. Until you figure out where you stand together, kink and BDSM will not happen smoothly.

[cooperjess]

You need to talk about it, dude. It's akward, but the only way you're not going to be crashing headlong into her boundaries all the time is a frank and honest discussion about what you guys like and don't like. She's not really your 'submissive' till she's said so, so I'd establish what you guys both want and don't want firsthand before trying any more stuff on. To me, it sounds like she's not entirely comfortable with the advances you're making.

[msesi]

I do not know why everyone who replied thinks I am abusing her somehow. In my original post I say:
"However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it."
I am not saying that then I tie her down and rape her. Or do things she does not like. Or anything without her consent. I do not know why everyone replied to me in such way.

So.

To make things quite clear.

First of all, thank you all for the answers. Some people helped me more with their words, some did not, but thank you all.

From what I have read in your replies, I figured out that I must slow down. Things are going very well in our sex life which is somehow constantly evolving and I guess that is why I am really excited about what is about to come. I am going to slow down. I got that. I was thinking about that.

What you did not understand from my posts above, is not that I want to do something to her that she does not like.

What I am saying is that I am looking for the best way to try with her (WITH HER CONSENT, OF COURSE) more things. As someone said I should try to find what is causing her behavior to be like this. I am sure the problem is mental. Something is blocking her mind somehow, and my best guess is that it has to do with her family/religion.

By the way, she had her first orgasm 2 days ago. At a day I denied her to touch my cock and I did not fuck her at all that day. So... She orgasmed while I was playing with her pussy.

So, to sum it up people.

What I am looking for, is a way to make her have more orgasms. Stronger orgasms. More fun in general. And I feel that she somehow denies me that, by not being open to new things. I DO respect that and I am just gonna take it easy I guess and see where it goes.

[msesi]

And I am gonna give you some examples where she said no, so you get a better idea:
1) After she had her first orgasm, I asked her to keep her panties at my house: NO.
2) She does not let me lick her pussy (I Have done that only 3-4 times in the 4 months I know her.
3) She thinks she is bad at sucking me and that is why she does not like sucking me.
4) I asked for naughty pics: No (but she wanted to have some of me...)
5) More things I cannot remember right now.

[Wedgiebondagebabe]

We come off the way we do because of how your responses are worded. I do not thing you are abusing her, but only mentioned that as the worse case scenario because it is a serious topic. You said youve known her 4 months and while its easy for a relationship based on kink to move someone fast depending on who you are, rl is a lot slower. I also reaponded the way I did because it seemes like your not grateful for what she does do. I guess I dont want to beat a dead horse, but it seems like you two are in 2 different places so personally i would do some thinking. In my personal experience, I broke up with a guy because he was too submissive in a lot kf aspects in his life and I couldnt stand how it affected his ability to be an adult and make choices. So really just feel out the solution.

[Luthor]

Originally Posted by RiskyFlame

My advise to you is to talk to her about these activities. If she gets upset when you initiate these activities (whatever they include), then don't initiate them. Don't force her to do the activities with you.

If she says that she likes spanking and bondage, I wonder if she ever said this explicitly. If so, then this is a good first step for talking to her. Why does she like these things and would she be willing to try more?

So put otherwise, don't continue these activities unless she wants to as well. Tell her that you'd like to try some kinky stuff with her and only with her consent you can continue and try things.

This. Double This.

Originally Posted by msesi

I know what you are saying. But.
I am talking about new things. Things she does not really know if she likes. And I am not talking about "extreme" kinks.
And every time I ask her for something, she is always like "No". And after a short while, we do try it and she loves it.
I feel it is a shame. She can have much stronger orgasms if we try more.

Originally Posted by msesi

What you did not understand from my posts above, is not that I want to do something to her that she does not like.

. . .

What I am looking for, is a way to make her have more orgasms. Stronger orgasms. More fun in general. And I feel that she somehow denies me that, by not being open to new things.

Have you communicated this to her before? What you want: trying new things, more fun, and creating a better experience; but only continuing things that she's comfortable with? Do you guys have a safe word set up-- or is it otherwise clear that she can choose to stop if it becomes too much? What has she said, asides from no?

I don't know you or your girlfriend, but it may be a good idea to talk with her about the new things she ended up liking, seeing if she's open to continuing trying more, and asking her how she'd like to proceed, regarding that. I wouldn't rush her regarding this-- probably explicitly giving her time to think it over. She's trying new things, just had her first orgasm, and may still be processing it and how if its in, mentally (and/or physically).

[msesi]

Here is the situation. The practices of bdsm we have tried till now are these (spanking, bondage, pulling her hair) which are all things she mentioned she likes. When I ask her what else she wants to try, the response is I do not know. Also, especially the last times we had sex, she did not take almost any initiative and I was telling her all the time what to do and what not. But for example, when I tied her hands and tried to lick her pussy, she said no.

Sex with her is great (both for her and for me) and I do not want to ruin that by adding more bdsm elements. I think however, that if we do add elements we both enjoy, we can both have more fun. Especially her. But she gets upset very easily and I am afraid if I have a conversation about bdsm she might get really upset and even stop wanting to do with me the things we already do (spanking, bondage etc).

I am taking it slow for the time being and I am not gonna suggest trying something new soon. But at some point later I would like to suggest that. Would you think that it would be better talking with her at a neutral ground -eg while drinking a coffee- or during/before/after sex. I have a feeling she might has her "defences" more down while we are at bed. And the problem is that almost all the times we start talking about sex, we have an argument at the end.

Originally Posted by Luthor

This. Double This.

Have you communicated this to her before? What you want: trying new things, more fun, and creating a better experience; but only continuing things that she's comfortable with? Do you guys have a safe word set up-- or is it otherwise clear that she can choose to stop if it becomes too much? What has she said, asides from no?

I don't know you or your girlfriend, but it may be a good idea to talk with her about the new things she ended up liking, seeing if she's open to continuing trying more, and asking her how she'd like to proceed, regarding that. I wouldn't rush her regarding this-- probably explicitly giving her time to think it over. She's trying new things, just had her first orgasm, and may still be processing it and how if its in, mentally (and/or physically).

[sir sam]

Originally Posted by msesi

I do not know why everyone who replied thinks I am abusing her somehow.

Well,...
The post is titled "not obedient girlfriend"
Then you write:

Originally Posted by msesi

However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it.

In principle pushing things through that she does not like is abuse.

-----------------

Then you sumup a list of things she does not want to do:

Originally Posted by msesi

And I am gonna give you some examples where she said no, so you get a better idea:
1) After she had her first orgasm, I asked her to keep her panties at my house: NO.
2) She does not let me lick her pussy (I Have done that only 3-4 times in the 4 months I know her.
3) She thinks she is bad at sucking me and that is why she does not like sucking me.
4) I asked for naughty pics: No (but she wanted to have some of me...)
5) More things I cannot remember right now.

You raise the impression we should find that "normal things to expect from her"

I would say, those are limits. Stay away from them.
Check my signature: i am very frank and open about absolutely obeying my pets limits, without discussion.

-----------------

The thing to do:
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
I guess for every hour i play with my pet there are 3 hours of talking.
If you can't communicate then thats the first thing to fix. Only AFTER that you "may" find out you have a kinky girlfriend. You "may" find out she is not. And if she is you can figure out her likes and spent time to think of nice things for her.


Below reaction of wedgiebondagebabe is very very true.

Originally Posted by Wedgiebondagebabe

From what I am reading... She is not your submissive and you are not her dom. Bottom line. Period. With that being said.

She needs to come to what she wants on her own. You seem to not know why she does not want to talk about sex and this kind of thing. Maybe you should find the answer to that before assuming what what she is like. Honestly, it seems like you have a communication problem and not a misbehavior problem.

Secondly, CONSENT, CONSENT, and oh yeh, CONSENT. Whether you like it or not does not matter. If you force her into doing things she is not ready for or does not like, you risk the chance of ruining her mentally and emotionally. You risk the chance of abuse, rape, and molestation at a worse case scenario.

My advice? Slow the fuck down. (yes I said fuck, the situation demands it). You are forcing something on her that it does not sound like she wants. Also as someone who cannot even orgasm because their mind is shutting down and their body shuts down (yes I have cried over the fact I cannot orgasm and I have had emotional break downs over it), take my advice. Baby steps. If you try to push her mind into something she is not ready for, you can push her down the wrong road. BDSM is more than physical interaction. If you want to someday become her master, you need to understand more than her physical behaviors. You have to understand her on many levels so that when and if this becomes more serious you know how to handle a scene. I would recommend going through the blog section. Anything written by IceMaiden, Butterfly, Sir Sam, Sub.Lucy, Abusive Master, and a lot of other more known people on this site have some information that you can use AS A GUIDE to help guide how you want to shape your BDSM personality.

Also it might be a good time to figure out if your needs and wants align with hers. It sounds like you want more out of the kink relationship than she might want or want to experience. As listed above, talk to her. I cannot stress it enough. If she does close up and pull back, then let it be, but let herm know that you just want to know so you don't force her into something she does not want. Also have her join this site. I would love to chat with her in PM if she is willing. Its different to hear things from girl to girl than talking to a significant other. It is scary telling someone what you want and don't want.

My last words on the matter. RESPECT HER wishes. If she says no, in the moment leave it at that. Later, you can ask her what she does not like about it in more detail. If she struggles to verbally state things, ask her to write it down as well. AS of right now, you are two equals in a relationship with equal say. No one has more control over one than the other. Until you figure out where you stand together, kink and BDSM will not happen smoothly.

[msesi]

I just did not describe really well our situation that is why there is a confusion. Anyway. I have never done anything she does not like and when she says stop I stop exactly the moment she says it. I am not a douchebag.

I will leave the situation as it is right now which is fucking, yes I said it, fucking good. I will try to communicate with her more about sex. I want to. But it is not easy.

Thanks all for the advice.

[AbusiveMaster]

Taking aside the way the opening post was worded - I think we all know now it wasnt what he intended to say - this seems to be actually an interesting topic, if I am reading it correctly.

It seems to me that we have a situation where both you and your girlfriend enjoy your sex life, but she is sometimes reluctant to do certain things. The question though that springs to my mind is "Why?"

I am not party to all the details of your relationship, and am basing my speculations on very limited material sifted from your posts. They may be entirely wrong, but they might give you a starting place to think on things.

My first worry is that discussions on sex lead to arguments. It is possible that she feels you are pressuring her, which is not a good situation to be in. It doesnt matter whether you are or arent, whether you mean to or not. Look at how you communicate.

Another point I am taking from your posts is she seems to be lacking in self confidence. Some reassurance goes a long way. Let her know you are very very happy with things as they are now. Let her know that you enjoy your sex life. Let her know that yes, you want to try new things, but you want to do it together, as a couple, when she wants to.

It isn't particularly nice to feel that you "arent doing it right" or "arent doing enough." Again, I am not suggesting you do this deliberately, but that it is possible you make her feel this way without meaning to. When people get defensive, it is generally because they feel attacked in some way.

My advice is to relax, to reassure, to not make this a source of pressure. In time, with love and trust, you will explore a lot, I am sure. But why the hurry? Let her know you love her. Make her know you want her, make sure she knows she is the best you have ever had WITHOUT adding anything else into your love life. Then, if it happens, it is something you can both enjoy.

[iSpuds]

I don't like to hand out advice in one-sided situations; I don't know anything about your partner aside from what you've written here. I don't know her perspective. However, one little snippet of your description stuck out for me, and I think it's worth addressing:

Originally Posted by msesi

2) She does not let me lick her pussy (I Have done that only 3-4 times in the 4 months I know her.

For many people, four months isn't nearly enough time to build the kind of trust it takes to obediently take orders from someone. Especially if the two of you didn't meet in the context of BDSM (i.e. on a fetish site or D/s site where you are both anticipating a Dom/sub relationship), I wouldn't expect her to fall into the role that easily. From what you're describing, it doesn't sound like you're terribly experienced with one another, and I'm not sure that "obedience" is a very realistic goal for you right now.

Build upon trust, openness, and, on your part, strong leadership skills - obedience will follow.

[MasterMichaelNY]

Here you go, a very simple and easy advice. Forget her, and find yourself a experienced kinky girl. Since you have problems, and the relationship is new. End it.

This way you have no problems, don't have to worry about investing time in teaching your girlfriend, and helping her out of her shell. You want something, she doesn't, it's that simple. End it.

So this way your not posting on boards asking people question on how to get your way, or get beyond her negative reactions. It just comes down to this, it's because she doesn't want too. Even if she likes it in the end, it's still not right, if she doesn't want too, or is negative about it, you don't do it. Even if she says alright, but give you the puss face, you know she doesn't want too.

Just end it, do yourself, and her a favor.

[msesi]

About your question: Why?
I have this feeling that deep inside she feels like sex, or whatever we are doing, is BAD in some sense. And that is probably originating from her religion (Christian). I asked her recently for a photo of her pussy and her response was: No, I am not gonna do it. I asked her why, and she replied because it is not appropriate.

I am really "afraid" to talk about sex because she gets upset. WE have argued 4 times till we met, and it was always about sex. If you ask me, all four times for silly reasons. o I don't really look forward to starting a conversation like that again, especially if the topic is BDSM, or master-slave or whatever. I am afraid if she listens the word slave for example, or see some more "extreme" kinks, she might lose completely interest in all activities of bdsm (like spanking, bondage) that she enjoys (a loot).

It is quite obvious to me that she likes being dominated but "under conditions". For example, she loves being tied, but only if I fuck her while being tied. She does not let me for example tie her and play with her pussy or spank her. But she does let me tie her, fuck her and spank her at the same time. Or play with her pussy while not being tied. And these things somehow confuse me. Do I do something wrong? Am I pushing her too much?

The best thing I can do is to keep doing to her only what I know she likes. Wait for some time before trying or suggesting new things. And I will also keep trying to have a conversation with her about sex. About what she likes and what she doesn't. But when I do try to do that, her response is: I do not know what I like, or, I just do not like that, or, it is not appropriate.

Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster

Taking aside the way the opening post was worded - I think we all know now it wasnt what he intended to say - this seems to be actually an interesting topic, if I am reading it correctly.

It seems to me that we have a situation where both you and your girlfriend enjoy your sex life, but she is sometimes reluctant to do certain things. The question though that springs to my mind is "Why?"

I am not party to all the details of your relationship, and am basing my speculations on very limited material sifted from your posts. They may be entirely wrong, but they might give you a starting place to think on things.

My first worry is that discussions on sex lead to arguments. It is possible that she feels you are pressuring her, which is not a good situation to be in. It doesnt matter whether you are or arent, whether you mean to or not. Look at how you communicate.

Another point I am taking from your posts is she seems to be lacking in self confidence. Some reassurance goes a long way. Let her know you are very very happy with things as they are now. Let her know that you enjoy your sex life. Let her know that yes, you want to try new things, but you want to do it together, as a couple, when she wants to.

It isn't particularly nice to feel that you "arent doing it right" or "arent doing enough." Again, I am not suggesting you do this deliberately, but that it is possible you make her feel this way without meaning to. When people get defensive, it is generally because they feel attacked in some way.

My advice is to relax, to reassure, to not make this a source of pressure. In time, with love and trust, you will explore a lot, I am sure. But why the hurry? Let her know you love her. Make her know you want her, make sure she knows she is the best you have ever had WITHOUT adding anything else into your love life. Then, if it happens, it is something you can both enjoy.

[msesi]

MasterMichaelNY,

You have completely misunderstood the situation although I explained as better as I could with all my posts in this thread. I LOVE this girl and I want to make her happy. I absolutely do not want to end this, neither does she.

I am just asking for advice about how to explore her likes/dislikes during sex and based on that make her have even more fun. She already has tons of fun and I told you before that she got her first orgasm (ever) with me, a few days ago. I just feel like something is still blocking her in some way.

So please do not tell me to do ourselves a favor and end our relationship.

Originally Posted by MasterMichaelNY

Here you go, a very simple and easy advice. Forget her, and find yourself a experienced kinky girl. Since you have problems, and the relationship is new. End it.

This way you have no problems, don't have to worry about investing time in teaching your girlfriend, and helping her out of her shell. You want something, she doesn't, it's that simple. End it.

So this way your not posting on boards asking people question on how to get your way, or get beyond her negative reactions. It just comes down to this, it's because she doesn't want too. Even if she likes it in the end, it's still not right, if she doesn't want too, or is negative about it, you don't do it. Even if she says alright, but give you the puss face, you know she doesn't want too.

Just end it, do yourself, and her a favor.