Subs vs doms

[jabs]

Anyone else realise that the subs know what they want more than the doms? Even in myself I know what I want as a sub more than what I want as a Dom, I just want some opinions and some doms to prove me wrong here. Do subs know what they want more than doms do?

[Butterfly]

I know exactly what I want both as a sub and as a domme. However I think I am more flexible as a domme because I am willing to take into account my subs likes and limits etc and adapt since they are the ones who have to perform tasks.

[thedirector]

I think it's because submissives need to think far more about what they would be willing to do and what they would not, whereas there is a bit more flexibility as a Dom, though limits are limits from either side. I think that choosing to submit is comes from a position of strength, so it's not surprising that submissives are more firm in their understanding and position in regard to their own dislikes and limits.

A sub's limits can be a subset (nice pun!) of a dom's limits, but that's more difficult the other way round.

[nina@]

There is some ambiguity in my mind about what you are asking. When you say what subs and Doms want, do you mean emotionally, kinkwise, structuring, objective of having that relationship, or overall as most discussion until now seems to be directed towards kinks.

I believe knowing what you want does not depend on orientation (sub/Dom) but on your experience in that role (just like in real life). While it is true that the kinks practised in a dynamic mostly revolve around the suitability of the subs, it doesn't mean that Doms know less about what they want as the relationship between a Dom and sub is that of act and react and if the Dom is directionless, so will be the sub!

In fact I feel Dom(mes) need to know what they want and also try to understand what the sub needs and the relationship requires to progress and create a structure that would achieve that for instance if they feel that the relationship requires more trust building or more spontaneity or the sub needs to boost their confidence or emotional security or needs to explore more kinks, then the structure of D/s needs to accommodate that and provide the scope to the sub to be able to explore that and the Dom(me) provides that.

For me I know what I want in either roles and it depends on a number of factors, however I would be more vulnerable and dependent on the Dom's approval/validation and emotional support as a sub, and on the other hand more assertive and confident on what I want as a Domme as I would completely rely on my judgement though I would take the sub's views into consideration.

However I do not mean to say that one is weak and one is strong. Both submission and domination are powerful and empowering feelings and each individual entering a relationship has their own wants, needs, desires, vulnerabilities and vision and people are compatible when these coincide and complement. Wants they realise more could be related to what they identify with more or what they have explored more so far.

[AmberCrystal88]

I've struggled with this a lot. I used to refer to myself as a switch but now I just say I'm a sub - even though I still switch. I need a good match to Dom someone well.

For the most part I've found it's easier for a sub to know what they want as a sub, simply because they're a sub and have more experience and desires with it - and vice-versa for Dom/mes. If you're any amount of swith - 50/50, 70/30, or even 95/5 - that's usually where it can be tough to figure yourself out sometimes.

The reason I need a good match as a Dom in a sub is because I find it easy to fall into my sub ways, and a lot of subs don't like seeing that. A sub shouldn't see a Dom/me's weakness.

It can't also be difficult with two switches, as sometimes there may be a power struggle or you're both feeling submissive and you're both left without direction. But, if it works out, a switch with a switch can be a very fun relationship.

Got a little off-topic, but still seems relevant. Anyway, to get back on point and wrap up... A true Dom/me will really try to get to know their sub and act accordingly. Not saying a Dom/me would "change" for someone, but certainly they want to enjoy their sub and make sure their sub is enjoying them. So, a Dom/me wouldn't change, but would rather fine tune what they do - if it can't be fine tuned then you simply aren't a good match.

What I'm trying to get at is that... it's not that a Dom/me doesn't know what they want, it's that in the early days they will be trying to figure out a sub, how they react, what the like or dislike, what buttons can be pushed... Because that's what makes the relationship truly magical for both.

[jabs]

From what everyone is saying I can collect that
1. Everyone is afraid to sound like they disrespect either side of the coin (just a personal thing, I prefer if everyone could try expressing completely without having to add side notes about how empowering whatever is... I know I'm both and I love it)

2. Everyone agrees that the sub is more decisive
because they do control the general direction of the dynamic while the Dom is more for the finer control of it after the sub sets the boarders.

I can't say I disagree with any view there just probably the wording of some but overall thanks for the replies, was interesting reading what you all thought

[jabs]

I did make the title to try sparking some competition for whoever was paying attention to it, thought it'd make people more decisive and speak straight from their mind

[nina@]

Originally Posted by jabs

2. Everyone agrees that the sub is more decisive
because they do control the general direction of the dynamic while the Dom is more for the finer control of it after the sub sets the boarders.

I disagree with this. Not talking about individual personalities but about the relationship dynamic, if the sub is appearing more decisive then that's because the Dom is not that dominant naturally or experienced enough in stopping the sub from topping from the bottom in my opinion.

Also I consider kink limits as more of a compatibility issue rather than setting boundaries and the general direction of the dynamic is not defined by kinks in play alone or even in any major way, again just in my opinion.