[kurious kat]

Like the others, I was probably always submissive (all those innocent childhood moments!) But I really discovered it as a relationship component just before college, when someone pinned me down in a tickle fight. The strength of my reaction to that surprised me, and made me want to explore further.

Articles and conversations online helped me figure out my limits & interests, as well as experiment with different forms of submission. At first, I was strictly interested in bondage, or maybe a little light hand-spanking. Over time, I felt more curiosity about certain things, and so my interests shifted as I explored gradually.

Finally finding someone in person who shared those interests felt like dating for the first time again. With my first D/s partner, we met at school, and subbing felt so good that I often had trouble snapping out of it (even though my inability to transition back to daily life at the end of the scene was a problem, and I knew it was unfair to him). We both wanted to play all the time (a phenomenon commonly known as "sub frenzy"), and even though we didn't, we often wished we could casually discuss our M/s relationship the way other people talked about their bfs & gfs. We became a couple fast; we had a lot of kink overlap, and a great D/s dynamic that got us through a couple years despite some problems and distance. Unfortunately, we didn't have as much personality or conflict-resolution overlap -- which is an important reminder that the kink connection can be incredibly good, but the relationship may still be bad for you overall.

When choosing a new partner, I tend to look for a devious mind, someone who likes dominance for its own sake (ie: not just as a route to sex), who has kinks that sync up well with mine (this can be surprisingly hard to find, but is worth waiting for), and who is generally a compassionate, respectful, and intelligent person. While I don't know for sure, I always assume my partners seek the same: someone intelligent, playful, who's able to laugh, have fun, and run their own life, while being willing to trust, try new things, and cede control as desired. As I've grown more experienced, I've realized that my partners also appreciate a sub who speaks up for themselves -- not to question their dominance, per se, but rather to inform the dominant of things they may not be aware of (potential trouble spots, etc.), as well as to bring new ideas/inspiration into the dynamic. As much as people fantasize about training a sub to "perfect obedience," the fun for both parties is rarely in in arbitrary, effortless concession, but rather the challenge of moving forward together, watching the sub respond to new and difficult things.

I'd like to say that I have some secret for making sure I'm ready to enter a sub/master relationship, but I'm not convinced that I actually do. As in vanilla dating, each of my lasting relationships has been established fairly quickly once I met the right person. I definitely met each of them on a casual level beforehand (chatting or flirting several times, seeing them interact with others, etc.), but when we started actually playing, I'd find myself drawn to that person in particular, even if other flirting partners were around. Regardless of whether it became official or not, I think I've always known if I could sub to someone on a deeper level within just a couple weeks of our first play interaction.