[alli55]

“So, if you want Eilidh to stay in,” Maddie asks the two on the floor, “who do you want to be kicked off tonight?”

“James!” replies Lissie, with no hesitation whatsoever.

“Yeah, James!” agrees Rayna.

“Why?” I ask them.

“He’s too old!” Lissie answers

“Says who?” her Dad demands.

“Me!” she informs him. “He’s way older than all the others!”

“And why is that a bad thing?”

“It’s like you being on the show!”

That’s like red rag to a bull! “Oh, and that would be so very terrible would it?”

Looking across at Maddie, I can see our eldest daughter is desperately fighting back a snigger!

“Yeah,” Lissie insists, “that’d be really embarrassing!”

“What about you, Rayna,” I say, trying to defuse the situation, “why do you want James to go?”

“It’s not that I don’t like James,” she replies, diplomatically, “I just like Eilidh and Jaz more!”

“Now that’s more like it!” Phil declares. “Rayna, can we swap you for Lissie?” he asks, teasingly. I give him a sharp dig in the ribs.

Poor Rayna doesn’t know how to respond, and Lissie has decided to ignore the comment altogether, so there is a bit of a hiatus. Mercifully, the theme music heralds the start of the last part of the show.

“Hello, and welcome back!” cries Trixie.

“After a week of photobombing and selfie-seeking,” Joe begins, “Mia has come up trumps with her 5-a-day photobomb campaign and is this week’s winner.”

“Unfortunately, we’re now going to have to lose one of our daring dozen,” Trixie reminds us.

“Yes,” continues Joe, “and to find out who’ll be leaving Britain's Most Daring tonight, it’s time for wor Live Dare-Off.”

“The three daredevils with the lowest scores will take part in another dare, live in the studio, and the one who is judged to have performed this dare worst will be leaving tonight,” states Trixie.

“So, Jaz, James, and Eilidh,” invites Joe, “come and join us for tonight’s Live Dare-Off!”

The three of them join Trixie and Joe, who asks “How are you feeling?”

“Terrified!” confides Eilidh, and Jaz nods in confirmation that she, too, is extremely nervous.

“James, you’ve been here before,” Trixie reminds him. “Confident?”

“It’ll depend what the dare is,” he says, reasonably.

“Okay, so, let’s find out!” Joe announces. “To tell us, here’s the sultry seductress herself, wor very own Dare Deliverer!”

The familiar female voice informs everyone of this week’s live-in-the-studio dare. “For this week’s Live Dare-Off,” she begins, “I dare you to phone a stranger and ask them for a date! You must keep asking until they agree to meet you. Happy hunting, my little daredevils!”

As the dare is revealed, we see James’ face fall. He knows he’s really going to struggle with this one. His only consolation is that he’s up against probably the two shyest of the daredevils. A quick look at Jaz and Eilidh is enough to confirm that neither of them are looking forward to this either.

The dare needs a fair bit of further explanation, which Trixie gives us. “So, we’ve created fake profiles for all of you on a well-known dating website. All week, the boys and girls here have been working away on your behalf, trying to cultivate as many potential dates as possible – and we’ve had quite a few takers. Since we’ve been on air this evening, they’ve been trying to set up a phone conversation with some of the interested people. Hopefully, we’ve got someone lined up for each of you!”

“Now, this is a live show,” Joe reminds us, as Trixie heads off towards the other side of the studio, “so anything could happen, and this might all go horribly wrong! But, with a bit of luck, you’ll each have a potential match who you have to try to convince to go on a date with you. The one who takes longest to get a date, will be the one going home tonight.” As an after-thought, he adds, “Though maybe you won’t be going alone!”

Behind Trixie we see the three circular cubicles used in some of the previous Dare-Offs. In each, there is a seat and a small table, on top of which is a phone headset, like the ones used at call-centres up and down the country. Above each cubicle is an illuminated red light.

“Okay, Joe,” Trixie calls to her co-presenter, “bring our three daredevils across!”

We watch as Joe shepherds Eilidh, James, and Jaz to the cubicles, encouraging each of them to take a seat inside theirs.

“As you can see,” Trixie tells them, “you have a headset which I’ll ask you to put on when the dare starts. Your phone conversation will be monitored …”

“… for feedback and training purposes!” interrupts Joe, and he smirks.

“Your phone conversation will be monitored,” Trixie tries again, “by one of our boys and girls, and as soon as you have got yourself a date, your light will go green to indicate you have succeeded in your dare attempt. The person with the last remaining red light will be the one who will leave the show tonight. Do you understand?” They all indicate that they do, indeed, understand. “You should also have an A4 card on your tables.” They each pick up their sheet and begin looking at it, as she continues, “That gives you a brief summary of what we know about the person you’ll be talking to, based on their profiles on the site. You have one minute to look through that.”

As the minute ticks by, Joe explains to us, “We actually created fake profiles for all 12 of wor daredevils, because, obviously, we didn’t know who would end up in the Dare-Off. And we’ve had some interesting responses to the profiles! The one that’s had the most interest from the other users on the site, is the one we created for Mia, so another win for her tonight! I won’t embarrass Dylan by telling you whose fake profile generated the least interest! And I definitely won’t embarrass Gemma by revealing that her fake profile attracted the interest of a 68-year-old man looking to be her sugar daddy!” We cut to a shot of Gemma, who has covered her face with her hands to hide her embarrassment at this unexpected and unwanted news.

“Oh, that’s hideous!” remarks Maddie.

“What’s a sugar daddy?” asks Lissie.

“Not now!” I tell her.

“Okay, you’ve had your minute!” Trixie announces. “Are you ready to start you dare?”

Our screen splits into four parts. Across the top we can see three small images side-by-side. Each image is of a red light, and below the light there is a caption giving us the name of the daredevil that the light belongs to. Below these images, in the main part of the screen, Trixie continues to speak.

“Alright,” she says, “put on your headsets and go hunting for a date!”

The image in the main part of the screen switches between the three daredevils, as we listen in to each of their conversations in turn …

… “Hello,” says Eilidh, cheerily, “how are you?”

“I’m good,” comes the man’s phone-voice in reply.

“It’s really nice tae hear your voice!” Eilidh tells him.

“You, too!” he says …

… “You sound as nice as you look in your profile!” James tells his would-be date.

“Thank-you!” the female phone-voice says back, with a Scottish accent.

“I love your accent,” he continues, “it makes me go all goose-pimply when I hear it!”

“Ohhh, that’s nice!” she comments …

… “I haven’t done this before,” Jaz says,

“Nor me!” her profile-match remarks, in a very deep-sounding male tone.

“So, I’m a bit nervous,” she explains.

“I know what you mean!” comes the reply …

… “Have you been out on your bike today?” the female voice asks James.

James hesitates, wondering why she’s asked him that. “Er, … no, I didn’t get time, today,” he says, trying to bluff his way out of trouble.

“Oh, that’s a shame,” she says, “what were you up to?”

“I was, … er, … busy, … er…, in the garden, … you know?”

“Oh, that’s nice!” …

… “I didn’t know you were Scottish,” we hear Eilidh being told. “You didn’t mention it in your profile.”

“Well,” she replies, thinking on her feet, “I like tae keep a few things back so you can have some nice surprises …, at least, I hope it’s a nice surprise!”

“It is, definitely.”

“Good! I’m glad!” …

… “So, have you ever met anyone from off this site?” Jaz asks her would-be date.

“No, you?”

“No. Would you like to?”

“If I met the right person,” he says, “yeah, of course!”

“Do you think I might be the right person?” she asks, fishing for an opportunity.

“Maybe!” comes the reply …

… Eilidh is also making moves in the same direction.

“It’d be really nice tae maybe meet up sometime!” she declares.

“Yeah, that’d be cool!” he agrees.

“How about we arrange something?” she suggests, going in for the kill.

“I don’t know,” he backs off a bit, “me in London and you in Scotland, it’s a long way!”

“I’ve got a friend who moved tae London last year,” Eilidh makes up, “I could come down and stay with her, and we could meet up.”

“Yeah, okay,” he replies.

“How about next weekend. I really wannae see you in the flesh, so tae speak!”

“Yeah, next weekend is good!”

“I’ll let you know when exactly,” she tells him.

“Okay.”

“So,” Eilidh asks the crucial question, “is that our first date?”

“Yeah, I suppose it is!”

Eilidh’s light goes green …

“Yessss!” shouts Lissie. “Well done, Eilidh!” She and Rayna share a celebratory high-five.

… “Is there any chance that we could maybe hook up sometime?” James asks, tentatively.

“I’m not sure,” she answers, “I’d need to think about that!”

“Of course,” he says, understandingly, “I don’t want to pressure you!”

“Thanks!”

“Only, I …,” he begins.

“I had a bad experience with someone else I met on here,” she explains.

James grimaces, and drags an index finger across his throat, indicating he thinks he’s in big trouble with this dare now …

… “So I can come to you,” Jaz is saying, when we rejoin her conversation.

“Okay, I’m really looking forward to it!”

“Sounds like we’ve got a date, then!” she comments, trying to tease out the words she needs to hear.

“Yeah, definitely, that’s a date!” comes the reply she’s been waiting for.

The light above her cubicle turns green …

… The dare over, the voice on the other end of James’ phone conversation is abruptly cut off, leaving him looking confused initially. It doesn’t take him long to work out what’s happening, though, and he looks understandably disappointed.

Joe fetches the three daredevils out of their cubicles, and Trixie comes across to join them all.

“As you can see,” she says, sweeping her arm in the direction of the array of coloured lights above the cubicles, “the only light that is still red belongs to James. That means, James, sadly we will be saying goodbye to you in just a moment.” She puts an arm around him.

“So, girls,” Joe says to Eilidh and Jaz, “you did it! You survived! How was it?”

“Horrible!” answers Jaz. “I was so nervous, and I think he was as well!”

“It’s definitely not something I want tae do again in a hurry!” agrees Eilidh.

“Well, congratulations,” Joe tells them, “we’ll see you again next week! Go back and have a sit down!” To the accompaniment of a well-deserved round of applause, the two girls return to the rest of the daredevils.

Gemma, we notice, gives Eilidh a hug when she returns. It seems like these two are becoming firm friends!

Trixie and Joe take up their positions either side of James.

“James,” Joe begins, “we’re going to really miss you, mate!”

“I’m going to miss being on the show!” he tells them. “I’ve had a great time, and it’s just a shame it’s got to come to an end!”

“Before you go,” Trixie continues, “let’s take a look at some of the crazy things you got up to!”

This weeks ‘goodbye montage’ begins with James being shot at by a paintballing sniper. We then see him giving a conference speech in an excruciating Italian accent, after which a man tells Mairie that James’ accent reminds him of Joe Dolce, so bad is it. We next see James being given a makeover by his daughter Eleanor, leading to his appearance on that week’s show wearing a hairpiece of some kind. After a shot of him and Mairie trying to get a selfie with a young couple at the Titanic Exhibition Centre, we get a longer clip of James’ moment of triumph: his madcap karaoke attempt. “Don’t stop me now!” he bellows, arms and legs flailing in all directions. Sadly, that’s exactly what we have to do: stop him, now.

The audience clap and cheer wildly, acknowledging that they are losing one of the show’s characters. Over the top of the ovation, Trixie cries, “James, everybody! Give him a great send-
off! James!”

James waves to the audience in the studio and at home, before he turns and walks off. Trixie and Joe watch him go, knowing that we’ll all miss the genial Ulsterman.

“That’s James, everyone,” Joe reminds us, “but, as someone once said, the show must go on!”

“Yes,” Trixie takes over, “we’ll be back next week with more excitement and madness on Britain’s Most Daring. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t miss it! See you then!”

Trixie and Joe wave to the camera as we zoom out to a wide shot of the studio, where we can see the remaining daredevils waving as well. As always, the screen fades slowly to black behind the credits, which have started to roll.

“Well, you got what you wanted, girls,” I point out to Lissie and Rayna. “But, I’ll miss James!”

Lissie ignores my comment completely and returns to her earlier question. “So, what’s a sugar daddy?”

“Ask your Dad!” I tell her.

“I might just let her google that one!” he informs me.

“Don’t you dare!” I warn him.

“It’s basically a rich old man who gives a young woman loads of gifts and nice stuff. And, in return, he expects her to sleep with him,” Maddie tells her younger sister.

Should I be concerned that my seventeen-year-old daughter knows so precisely what a sugar daddy is? I immediately castigate myself for even thinking such a thing. Maddie is an eminently sensible girl, who wholly deserves the complete trust I have in her. Anyway, who needs a sugar daddy, when you can twist your own father around your little finger whenever you want something?