[alli55]

Ten days last summer


Tuesday 29th August 2017


I sat on the bathroom floor looking at it. I’d been checking it and checking it for the last five minutes. It hadn’t changed; it wasn’t going to change. Truth be told, I’d known what it was going to be even before I’d started. But it didn’t lessen the shock of seeing it appear. Shock that quickly became panic, then despair and now … well, now, I was just numb.

I checked yet again. There it was. A blue plus sign.

My eyes scanned slightly to the left of it. Where that dreadful word was. Next to the other plus sign, just above the minus sign that I’d hoped against hope to see, but knew I wouldn’t.

Once more, I read the word.

Pregnant.

I sat there, staring vacantly at nothing, feeling nothing, thinking … my mind was racing through so many future conversations and choices that it would take pages and pages to list and describe them. I couldn’t bear to face any of them.

I felt the bathroom door bang against my back.

The bathroom door opened a fraction then came up against something solid and stopped. I knew what was preventing it from opening.

“Freya!” I said to the door. “Hurry up, I need to pee!”

I waited. A minute later Freya came out clutching something in her hand. She passed me without saying anything, without looking at me. I watched her walk back to her room. I didn’t like what I saw. She looked a real mess.

Sitting on the loo, my eye fell on a small folded piece of paper just behind my left foot. I reached my hand down and picked it up. Unfolding it the words jumped off the page and smashed into me with brutal impact.

Clearblue Pregnancy Test.

Oh, Freya! What had you done!

I knew what she’d done, of course; I’d seen it for myself when I’d walked in on them; I’d been seeing it in my mind ever since. But I’d never thought …

Oh, God! What had I done!

Thoughts tumbled into my mind and out again, shouting at me as they went.

“I can’t tell Dad; Dad can’t find out! Nor Jenny! No-one can know! I can’t tell anyone about this! I have to do this on my own! Do what? I can’t do it on my own! I need someone! Who? I can’t tell anyone! No-one can help me! I’ve got to do this alone! Alone! So very alone!”

Why had I assumed that just because she’d got a Pregnancy Test kit she must be pregnant? She might just have used it to put her mind at ease and confirm that she wasn’t. That made sense! But my mind wasn’t having it. My mind had decided. Freya was pregnant!

She couldn’t know that I knew! So I couldn’t help her unless she asked me! She wouldn’t do that, given the way we were, the way we’d been since that day! She was on her own!

No-one could find out! That was the thought that kept coming back time and time again. No-one could ever find out!

So, that meant only one thing! I had to get rid of it! As soon as possible! On my own! Without anyone knowing!

I opened my laptop and started googling.

I couldn’t leave her on her own! Not with this! How could I? She wouldn’t abandon me if … well just if! She needed me! I just had to convince her of it! But, how? She kept avoiding me! Because I was avoiding her! It was me who would have to make the first move!

I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach.

There was a gentle knock on my door. I ignored it. Another knock followed. Then a voice. Holly’s voice.

“Freya?”

Not now! Please, not now!

“Freya?” the voice came again.

I tried my best to block it out.

“Freya, please!”

There was something in the voice that made me stop googling. What was it?

“Please! Freya, please, I’m begging you!”

A tremble! That was it! There was a definite tremble in the voice!

There was a soft bump from the other side of the door. Then a sniff, and another sniff.

“Oh, God, Freya,” the voice wavered with emotion, “please!” The words became sobs.

Tears began streaming down my face.

I was crumpled on the floor, leaning against the wall next to the door to Freya’s room. I had no more words. They hadn’t worked when I could get them out, and now sobs and sniffs were the only way I had of communicating.

From the other side of the door I could hear the sound of Freya crying. That just made me cry even more.

My pillow was soaked with my tears. I’d cried myself out. I’d no more tears left. From the sounds coming from the other side of the door, Holly was still weeping.

I resumed googling and found what I was looking for. Thanking my lucky stars that Holly and I had each been given our own debit card when we’d turned 16, I did the necessary, and shut the lid of my laptop.

It had gone quiet inside Freya’s room. Maybe she had cried herself to sleep. Perhaps I could enter without her knowing and … and what? What could I do then?

No! She had to let me in before I could do anything! I tried again.

“Freya!”

Nothing.

“Please!”

It was time to wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn’t do that as a rule. I wasn’t comfortable sharing my feelings with the world. But I knew I had to. The words mixed with my sobs once more.

“Freya, please let me in! I love you more than anything! Freya!”

My tears began again.

“I need you, Freya, I need you so much!”

I couldn’t take much more of this!

“Please, Freya, I want to hold you! Freya, I need you to hold me!”

She was tearing me apart!

“Oh, God, no!” I wailed, and broke down completely.

I collapsed onto the bed and wept uncontrollably.

A new voice mixed itself with the sounds of the two of us crying our eyes out. Caitlin was outside my room now as well.

“Oh my God, Holly, what’s happened?” I heard her ask.

The only way I could reply was to lift my tear-stained face to look at her.

“Oh, God!” she said again, a look of panic sweeping across her features.

She stood for a moment, her hands pressed against either side of her head, then she seemed to make a decision. She took her phone out of her pocket and made a call.

“Lottie,” I heard Caitlin say, “how soon can you come over to Freya’s? Something’s happened! I don’t know what, but, … I don’t know what to do! If you can come it’d be … oh, brilliant! See you in a minute!”

Now I’d got Lottie coming round! I wasn’t at all sure that was what I needed right then; it certainly wasn’t what I wanted!

She ended the call, slipped the phone back into her pocket, and knelt down beside me. Watching her, I could clearly see she wanted to say something that would help, but was struggling to know what the right words were.

“It’s you and Freya, isn’t it?” the words finally came out of her mouth.

I nodded.

“Have you had a fight or something?”

I shook my head.

“Have you said anything about you know what?” she asked me.

A look of surprise came over me. Did she know about Freya and Jake? How did she know? When had Freya told her? Why had Freya told her?

I shook my head again.

“What can I do to help?”

I shrugged.

I heard the doorbell and knew Lottie had arrived. I had been trying desperately to stem the tide coming from my reddened eyes, without much success. The one-sided conversation outside my door hadn’t helped.

“Freya?”

It was Lottie’s voice.

“Freya, can you let me in, please?”

I didn’t want to see anyone, not even my best friend, so I ignored her.

Twice more she asked, her voice becoming more pleading each time; twice more I remained silent.

Lottie realised she was getting nowhere with Freya, so she turned her attention to me. Although she was Freya’s best friend, Lottie and I were quite close, which I suppose is not surprising seeing as she spent so much time with my twin sister.

“What’s happened, Holly?” she asked.

I shrugged once more.

“I can’t get anything out of her!” Caitlin told Lottie.

“I know who can!” Lottie replied, and made a phone call of her own.

“Hi, Tild,” she said into her phone, “listen, this is going to sound odd, but I really need you to do me a massive favour! I’m at the twins’ house, and something’s happened with them, and Holly really needs someone, and you’re the best person I can think of. Can you get over here, like now?”

There was a pause, whilst Tild replied, then Lottie said, “Oh, thanks, you’re an angel! Bye!”

I didn’t really have a best friend, not like Freya had with Lottie, but Tild was probably the nearest approximation, and she had the advantage of being a really good listener.

By the sound of it, now Matilda, or Tild as everyone called her, was coming over as well. The house was rapidly filling with teenage girls! Why couldn’t I just be left in peace?

Tild arrived and sat down next to me. She didn’t say anything, she just sat there for a couple of minutes, looking at me periodically.

“Come on!” she suddenly said, as she took hold of my arm. She stood up, pulling my arm up with her, half-forcing half-encouraging me to stand up too. I got to my feet, and she wrapped an arm around my back and began walking me to my room. We went in and she shut the door behind us. She sat us both down on my bed, and then resumed her silent companionship.

“Freya?” Lottie tried again. “Please let me in!”

My resolve was beginning to weaken.

“I don’t care what’s happened,” she continued, “I just want to see you’re okay! Please, Freya?”

I was going to have to face someone at some point. Lottie, I decided, was probably the best one to start with. At least she didn’t know what had happened on holiday.

Using the back of my hand to try to sweep away the tears from my cheeks, I tiptoed to the door and unlocked it, trying not to let the lock mechanism make any tell-tale sound. Then I crept back to my bed, and lay face down on it.

“Okay,” I called and braced myself for Lottie’s entrance.

“So,” Tild broke the silence at last, “how much do you want to tell me?”

I wanted to tell her everything! Well, no, not everything! But as much as I could! I just didn’t know how much that was!

“It’s complicated!” I told her. If that was an attempt to deter her questioning, I knew it stood no chance whatsoever.

“So I imagine!” she said, and looked me in the eye.

Slowly, little bit by little bit, I began to open up to her gentle probing. I told her how Freya had been avoiding me; acknowledged that I’d dished out the silent treatment to Freya; explained how something had happened, which I couldn’t tell her about, that had started it all; admitted that I knew I had to talk to my twin about it, but that I was finding it really difficult; and told her how I had finally been ready to reach out to Freya, and desperately tried to, but that she’d rebuffed me.

The emotional release all that brought on was too much for me, and I dissolved in tears again.

I felt the bed gently rock as two people sat on its edge. Caitlin had come in with Lottie. That wasn’t what I’d been expecting, and it complicated things, because she did know.

Lottie allowed herself to fall sideways, so her head was on the pillow, next to mine. I turned my head to face her. Softly, she wiped away the latest tears from my cheeks.

“Is there anything I can do or say that is going to help?” she asked me, in her gentle manner.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so, no!” I told her.

“That’s okay!” she said. “Is it alright if I just lay here with you?”

“Yes!” I said, nodding.

She lay there, silently looking at me, then after a couple of minutes she asked, “Have you got any paper in here, and a pencil?”

“On the desk in the corner,” I told her.

“Caitlin,” she called, “can you get me some paper, maybe about 10 sheets, and a pencil, please?”

The bed rocked gently again as Caitlin got up and fetched the paper and pencil, then rocked once more as she sat back down.

Lottie took the pencil in one hand and put the paper in a pile in front of her. Then she started drawing. I watched as the image on the paper began to take shape. She was drawing me! It was almost magical how, with a few flicks of the pencil, another detail emerged on the paper. I was entranced by the whole process.

When she’d finished, and was happy with it, she shifted the paper slightly so it faced me.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“It’s brilliant, Lottie!” I told her. “Look, Caitlin!”

Caitlin leant over and took a look. She was equally impressed. “That looks just like her!” she exclaimed, before asking, “Can you do one of me sometime?”

“Sure!” Lottie replied. She turned to me and said, “Freya, how about we both sit up now, and I can do Caitlin.”

We rolled over and sat up. Lottie took up her pencil once more and began sketching Caitlin as I watched her perform fresh miracles on the blank sheet of paper.

Midway through, my phone pinged. Checking it, I saw I had a WhatsApp pic from Alice. It was a head-and-shoulder photo of her and Hannah standing in front of a tall hedge. Neither of them appeared to be wearing a top, or at least one with any shoulder straps.

‘Guess what we’re wearing!’ said the caption below the pic.

Lottie looked across at the screen of my phone.

“Who’s that?” she asked.

“Alice and Hannah,” I replied, “you know, the sisters I met on holiday, remember?”

“They’re really pretty!” she remarked.

“Yeah, they are,” I agreed.

“So, what are they wearing?”

I knew the answer, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it. That could easily lead to me having to divulge a lot more information, and I didn’t know how that might be received.

Fortunately, before I had time to answer I got another message from Alice. There was no pic this time just a very leading question.

‘Shall I show you?”

Did I say ‘fortunately’ just now? I must have missed off the ‘un’!

I tried my best to stop Alice from sending anything incriminating, without wanting to offend her or make it sound like I’d regretted the whole naked afternoon. All the faffing around, deciding how to get the wording right, meant that I took too long. The next message pinged its way onto my phone before I had finished my reply.

This one had a picture with it: Alice and Hannah, head to toe, full-frontal. I had just received my first naked picture!

‘Our first naked selfie!!’ read the caption.

“Okay! Right!” said Lottie, with a big grin on her face. “I’m guessing there’s a story attached to that!”

“Mmm-hmm,” I replied, as I deleted the remains of my previously intended reply and started again.

‘Thanks Alice, looks like you two are having fun! Lottie loves the pic!’

The reply was almost immediate.

‘OMG, I didn’t know you had company! Sorry! I didn’t think!’

‘That’s okay! But I think I might have a bit of explaining to do! Catch you later.’

“Well?” asked Lottie.

My phone pinged once more, delaying the inevitable for a few more moments.

‘Let me know how that goes. I’ve got something to ask you later.’

“Well?” Lottie repeated.

“Promise not to freak out, or judge me?” I began.

“I would never judge you,” she protested, “and after what I’ve just seen I think I’ll be able to not freak out either!”

I knew, of course, that everything I was about to tell Lottie, I would be telling Caitlin at the same time. But, given how Caitlin had been with what ghastly secret she already knew about me, I was completely confident about telling her. I told them about Alice and Hannah being naturists; how I had randomly told them I’d like to try swimming naked with them; and all about our naked beach afternoon on holiday.

They listened, agog, as I finished by expressing how much I had enjoyed swimming naked, and how natural it had all felt, once I’d got over my initial nerves and inhibitions.

“Sounds amazing!” said Lottie, far more enthusiastically than I had expected.

“I’m not sure I could have done it,” remarked Caitlin, “but good for you, Freya!”

Lottie had completed her sketch of Caitlin by now, and showed her the finished drawing. It was just as impressive as I knew it would be. Caitlin was chuffed to bits with it!

‘What did you want to ask me?’ I messaged Alice, as Caitlin continued to express her admiration of Lottie’s artistic skill.

It took quite a while before Alice’s reply arrived. The delay was explained when I saw the length of the message.

‘So, there’s this thing called The Great British Skinny Dip. It’s on Saturday 9th September. Anyway, I remembered you live in Milton Keynes. Well, there’s a club not far from there, and they are holding a special open day for the GBSD. They’ve got a swimming pool and miniten and they’re organising aquarobics and other stuff. I mentioned it to my parents and we are all coming up to go to it. I wondered if you wanted to come with us. We could come and pick you up and drop you back home afterwards. What do you think?’

Lottie had read the message with me, and said, “You should go! It’ll do you good! It sounds fun! D’you think they’d have room for me as well?”

Taken by surprise, I looked questioningly at Lottie. “Are you sure?”

“Why not?” she replied. “You just told me how good it felt!”

“Okay,” I told her, and messaged Alice again.

‘Yes, I’d love to come. Lottie wants to know if she can come as well.’

‘Fantastic. We’d love Lottie to come. She sounds really nice.’

I was feeling happier again now. Between the three of them, Lottie, Caitlin and Alice had dragged me out of the pit of despair, at least temporarily.