Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelic_Fire
To put it simply, I had to lose my identity. I lived by everything I was taught, the rules and expectations were drilled into me. If I ever made a mistake, I felt over-whelming guilt, which isn't too bad should a master tell me what punishment I needed, but even after it all, I find myself needing to find someone to punish me, otherwise I do it myself and I have no mercy. The degree to which I was trained meant that I when I went into my 'state' (which it has become known) it meant that I felt that I had no right to an opinion, I just did whatever I was told, no matter how I felt about it. And the worst part is it still affects me even after I take a break, even after I thought I was okay, but then I read over old messages and I'm back into it, I feel nothing except what I've been trained to feel. That's how the conversation came up, two of my close friends noticed that I was acting odd and then they told me that it wasn't right, which I could sort of understand but I still can't, I still don't think of it that way, maybe it's not, I don't know. So I've been trying to make sense of it.
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You are most likely suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... although it could potentially be another personality based disorder if given enough details and observation of your interactions speech patterns, and changes between now and then, etc. C-PTSD seems to be the most plausible as it is PTSD-like, but created through prolonged exposure to the point that those negative reactionary attributes become learned.
In BDSM stressors such as pain and punishment are used to instill new learned reactions to stimuli to change a person - however what you're describing seams like an Extreme variation of it. This can be indicitive of Long Term enslavement such as Live-in slaves, Absolute Domination, or De-humanization and Individual Possession seen in HuCows or Human Furniture.
(as a side note - you could of experienced normal treatment, but also suffer from some other underlying stressor which effectively amplified the outcome... every one is different and training influences them all differently)
Simply said - A LOT of Stress was combined with Pleasure and the implication that you Deserved what you got to the point that it has permanently fucked you up. It is now a part of your life and can no longer be separated between your Fantasy and Reality.
What you want from it now is up to you.
Learn to live with it, Try and Correct it... Or go deeper into it - you started this path as your choice... unlike most other people that gain PTSD.
Suffice it to say - i find this some what interesting, and would like to hear more.