[alli55]

Maddie is frantically swiping the screen of her phone. Appearing to find what she’s searching for, she looks up and says, “Remember when you did the Ice Bucket Challenge, Dad?”

Rolling over onto her back, to give herself a better view of her Dad, Lissie exclaims, “Oh, that was so-oo funny!”

Maddie comes over and squeezes herself between me and Phil; Lissie follows her, standing so that she is leaning over us. We all look at Maddie’s phone as she plays the video clip of Phil having a bucket of icy water thrown over him by a very excited 14-year-old eldest daughter. We see him flinch as his skin is hit by a sudden and dramatic temperature drop. In the background we can hear Lissie shrieking with delight! The clip ends with my sopping-wet, shivering husband flanked by his two daughters, who are careful to leave a fairly wide gap between themselves and their Dad. Phil has a forced smile on his face, but the two girls are beaming from ear to ear!

“You were lucky it was a nice warm day!” I remind him.

“You were lucky I didn’t nominate you afterwards!” he tells me.

As we hear the theme music begin, Maddie and Lissie resume their TV-watching positions, ready for part two.

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring, with me, Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… And me, Joe Denecker.”

“Before the break, we saw Matt become our first regional winner,” Trixie reminds us, “so let’s crack on! Where are we going next, Joe?”

Joe reveals our next destination. “Well, Trixie, if we were living on a polo mint, we’d be about to fall through the hole, because we’re heading right for the middle! Fortunately, in Britain, we call that the Midlands, and that’s where Richie is waiting for us!”

The screen shows a slightly older man, wearing a somewhat tatty jacket and jeans, which gives him a rough-and-ready appearance. This is augmented by his close-cropped hair and stubble-covered chin. As he welcomes us to the Midlands, Richie’s accent gives him away as being from the part of the country he’s reporting from, just like Lisa earlier.

“Hello from Birmingham, Britain’s second city, here in the Heart of England. Remember that phrase for later!” he advises us. “Before we can let our wannabe daredevils from the Midlands in, we need their help to unlock the door! All they have to do is find the key from in here!”

He holds up a small plastic bucket, the kind that young children use to make sandcastles on the beach. The camera zooms in on the contents of the bucket. It appears to be full of animal poo of some kind.

Lissie looks at me. “Is that what I think it is?” she asks.

“Yes,” I tell her, “I think it is!”

“Uugghhh!” she says, expressing herself very clearly!

During the next montage, roughly half the people in the queue to get into the building refuse to delve into the bucket of poo. Those that do hunt for the key, have, without exception, expressions of extreme disgust on their faces. However, once they’re committed, every single one comes up with the key in their hand.

The scene changes to one very like the hall in Manchester, with the same arrangement of chairs and tables.

Richie continues, talking into camera, “Now they’re in, it’s time for the food. For obvious reasons, we didn’t let them prepare it themselves!” He chuckles. “Now, remember I told you we were in the Heart of England? Well, what else could we give them to eat, then, but this?!”

He holds up a plate with three very different-sized lumps of meat-stuff on it. It looks like a gruesome version of the Goldilocks tale! The smallest is about half-a-centimetre across; the next is about three centimetres; and the largest almost ten centimetres across. It is very clear that none of them have been anywhere near an oven!

Richie explains what we are looking at, “So, here we have three hearts: a mouse heart, a chicken’s heart, and a pig’s heart. I think we can all work out which is which! But who fancies this for lunch, eh?”

We get another montage, as we watch the wannabes trying to pluck up the courage to start on the hearts. The mouse’s heart is so small it could probably be swallowed whole, avoiding the unpleasantness of experiencing its taste or texture. The other two are going to be more of a problem. We see mouse hearts disappearing into mouths, with just one refusal mixed in. Then we get our first shot of someone, a young woman, eating the chicken’s heart. A few more follow, in between shots of people prodding disconsolately at the larger hearts on their plate. A middle-aged man gets up and walks out. The camera focusses on another young woman, with brown hair falling over her shoulders, who has started chewing on the pig’s heart, though she seems to be having trouble swallowing it. The camera lingers on several plates that have been cleared of the two smaller hearts, but still have the pig’s heart left, before the montage comes to an end with the same young, brown-haired woman spitting out a partially-chewed lump of pig’s heart.

“Eeurghh! That’s gross!” exclaims Lissie.

Like we needed telling!

We see a tightly-framed shot of Richie as he announces the result. “Well, no-one actually ate everything! I know! Can you believe it?! But, once the judges had tallied things up, the winner was Bex!”

The camera shot widens and we see the young woman who had been the first to start on the chicken’s heart. She is smiling broadly, forming little pouch-like shapes on her cheeks, which exaggerates the roundness of her face.

“Well done, Bex! You’re off to represent the Midlands on Britain’s Most Daring!” he tells her.

Once again, Trixie takes over as the film ends, “Ladies and gentlemen, our Midlands regional winner, 24-year-old care worker from Edgbaston, Bex!”

The audience clap and cheer as Bex joins the two presenters, giving the audience a quick wave as she walks across the studio. Her shoulder-length blonde hair, which, judging by the dark roots that are starting to show, is out of a bottle, seems to glint in the bright lights of the studio, matching the twinkle in her dark brown eyes. She is dressed in a somewhat ill-advised tight-fitting top and skirt, both of which look as if they are struggling to keep her fuller figure in! From her demeanour, though, it is instantly obvious that she has no lack of confidence about her appearance!

“So, Bex,” Joe says, flashing the camera a cheeky grin, “you got right to the heart of the matter, didn’t you?!”

Bex gives him her best forced laugh but decides against making any sort of comment regarding his quip.

“No, but,” he continues, “what was it like having to eat those hearts?”

“Pretty disgusting!” Bex states, to the surprise of no-one.

“Once again,” Trixie says as she gently shepherds Bex towards her chair, “Bex!”

After the applause has died down, Trixie turns to Joe and asks, “Where next?”

“To the land of my fathers!” he tells her. She arches an eyebrow suspiciously. “Well, not me personally, obviously!” he admits. “We’re going to Wales. Let’s just hope that no sheep were harmed in the making of this film! Lowri, help me out, please!” The audience chuckle as the film begins.

Lowri, a raven-haired beauty in her late twenties, is standing in front of a crowd of what we assume are the Welsh wannabes, with a large Welsh dragon standing next to her, its long neck towering over her, slightly menacingly. Her dark eyes have the sort of fire about them that you would expect from the mouth of the dragon next to her, suggesting she might be quite a spirited woman. This particular audition was obviously filmed on a cold day, as Lowri has a thick coat and a scarf wrapped around her neck.

“Croeso i Gymru!” Lowri says, in her native language, before reverting to English, which she speaks with a delightfully-lilting Welsh accent. “Welcome to Wales! We’re in Cardiff to show you just how daring the Welsh are! Isn’t that right, guys?”

The wannabes leap around and cheer loudly, and the dragon also leaps about, making its head wobble all over the place on the end of its long neck. Lowri casts a quick glance above her, to check that she’s not about to get clouted on the head by her over-enthusiastic companion.

“As you can see, we’ve got our own dragon with us, and we all know that where there’s a dragon, there’s fire!” Lowri tells us. “So, our would-be daredevils are going to have to firewalk across a pit of hot embers if they want to get inside and have a chance of being Welsh dare champion! Are you ready, guys?”

The wannabes, and the dragon, leap around again, though some seem less enthusiastic now they know what they’re up against.

The screen switches to the montage, as we’ve come to expect, and we see a mix of successful and failed attempts to walk across the embers. We see several different styles, with some wannabes dashing across as fast as they can, whilst others adopt a more cautious approach. Generally speaking, it seems the faster you go, the more likely you are to make it across and not step off to the side. A lanky young black lad proves that there is an exception to every rule, as he saunters across the pit, shimmying from side to side, revelling in the attention.

When we rejoin Lowri, she is inside, amongst the usual set-up of tables and chairs. In the indoor warmth, she has shed her coat and scarf, and we can see she has a slim figure that adds to her beauty. She is wearing a pastel-green mohair top above a tight black skirt that ends halfway down her thighs. The dragon is still alongside her, looking a little incongruous in its new surroundings.

“Well, they’ve had a footbath, to let off steam, so to speak,” she says, grinning, “and now they’re ready for a bite to eat! So, what have we got for them? Well, every good gameshow should have its own Cowell, so we’ve got our traditional Welsh dish, cawl, for this lot to eat! Normally, of course, you’d cook it, but, well, we blew most of our budget on the dragon!”

The montage begins with a reveal of exactly what cawl is: a kind of soup or broth. Bits of carrot and potato are evident, as well as the iconic Welsh leek, but it’s the lumps of raw bacon that attract most attention. It’s a similar challenge to the Not-Hotpot, only made messier by the fact that everything is wallowing in a thick stock. Once more, the vegetables provide little resistance, with notably more of the Welsh wannabes happy to tuck into raw potato than their counterparts from the North-West. The bacon, though, proves to be a problem for many. Its texture means it’s very chewy, and difficult to break up in the mouth, and we repeatedly see bits being spat out or allowed to drop from the corners of a mouth. The montage ends with a shot of a flame-haired lad, looking as if he’s not yet out of his teens, holding his bowl up to his face, licking his way around the edge.

“Eat that, Cowell!” Lowri taunts, as we see her in close-up. “Well, there was a clear winner here in Cardiff, with a young lad who clearly has an appetite!” As before, the camera pans out, and we see the flame-haired lad standing next to Lowri, with the dragon on his other side. “Well done, Dylan, that was a really impressive performance!” she tells him. To the lad’s astonishment and embarrassment, she gives him a kiss on the cheek and the dragon pats his head, before the film ends and we return to the studio.

“Give it up for our Welsh winner, 18-year-old student from Llanelli, Dylan!” encourages Trixie, as the Welsh regional winner enters. As soon as we see his mop of red hair, we are able to deduce that the Welsh audition we have just watched must have been filmed some weeks ago, since Dylan’s hair has changed from a neat short-back-and-sides to a much longer ‘just-out-of-bed’ look! He is quite tall, but unlike Matt, has no real bulk to his body.

“Dylan, first things first,” begins Joe, “what was more difficult to deal with, the cawl, the dragon, or Lowri?”

Dylan blushes, and replies quietly, “Definitely the cawl, though I’m not sure I’d want to be left alone in a room with Lowri either!”

“Aye, she’s incorrigible, is wor Lowri!” Joe laughs. “And you’ve got to deal with her for the next few weeks! Are you ready for that?”

“On a dare show, you’ve got to be ready for anything, haven’t you?!” Dylan points out.

“You’ve got that right!” Joe agrees, before gently sending Dylan to his seat.

“Dylan, everyone!” says Trixie, to another enthusiastic round of applause. Without allowing it to die down, she adds, “Join us in a moment for more dares on Britain’s Most Daring!”

“What d’you reckon, Dad?” Maddie asks her father.

“Well we haven’t seen much of it yet,” Phil replies, sitting on the fence, “let’s see how it carries on!”

Maddie catches my eye and we share a look that speaks of exasperation.

“It’s brilliant!” says a voice from the floor. “Miles better than X-Factor!”