Day 25! Exactly half the way to what I have envisaged as the finish line of my "no touch" experiment (July, 2nd). I'm only a couple of days away from a new personal denial record. At the first week mark I thought: "Already a week? That's easy!" After two weeks: "Wow! Piece of cake!" Three weeks in I was so confident: "I got this!" However, these last days have been really hard. Frustrating. Wanting to run my head into the wall frustrating. Crying myself to sleep frustrating.
Having my period definitely has a share in this situation. Generally more vulnerable emotionally, I'm also usually hornier during these days. And I often rely on orgasms to relieve some of the cramps and cut it short if possible. During my period I failed the last time I tried for longer self-denial. Furthermore I want to read the reports of the girls participating in JuNO, but I can't stand it for longer than a couple of minutes. Just reading that stuff takes me to the point of arousal where I fear to lose all self-control. I'm so jealous of them being able to edge, at least to touch. When I read "I had six proper edging sessions today" I literally started to cry. My goodness, I'm just at halftime?
Yesterday evening I felt that I needed at least some relieve of the tension that had been bottled-up. I've been dared to an all-round ass-pussy-tits spanking a couple of weeks ago. That seemed like a good idea. I love self-spankings: the self-induced anticipation of every stroke, followed by the sensation of pain, setting body and mind on fire, and finished with relief … and the anticipation of the next stroke. I was also looking forward to try a new implement: a cane I had gotten a few weeks ago. This cane replaces my first sex toy ever: a rigid wire I had bent into shape from a clothes-hanger as a teenager. It has served me well, but it tends to deform after a couple of blows. The new one is quite a simple rattan cane coated with latex, 85cm (about 33 inches) long. Very flexible. Promising. I was shivering with anticipation when I undressed. I decided to proceed in the order from least to most arousing: butt first (25 times on each cheek), then tits (15 times each), finally pussy (20 times).
The first blow was a bit of a disappointment. Nice swishing through the air, but far less of an impact than I had expected. But it turned out my technique just needed some readjustment. After a few attempts I could make it sting like I was used to. And shortly thereafter I could make it sting even more. Nice! Interestingly the new cane created less noise though. On the one hand this made my method of ascertaining to not slack off by measuring the sound level impractical. [I have explained the method
here.] On the other hand it decreased my worries about neighbours overhearing. I used the butt spanking to work on my technique and didn't really count, but I surely exceeded the prescribed amount of blows. When I checked in the mirror I saw some nice, sharply demarcated, almost parallel welts. Self spanking is an art form …
I took some deep breaths before I moved on to my breasts. My nipples have become very sensitive during the time of self-denial. I hadn't touched them at all other than when taking a shower. I was really curious how they would react to pain. The first blows landed below my tits, but with the third or fourth I hit my left nipple quite hard. I gasped. But not only from the pain. I felt a sting at my clit as well, followed by violent throbbing. My knees gave away a little. Of course there is a neurological connection between the simulation of the nipples and the genitals. But holy crap, what a strange remote effect! Afterwards I aimed as best as I could for my nipples, and when I hit them I experienced the same sensation again, just a bit subdued. Oh, my god, for the first time I really believed that it was possible to achieve an orgasm from stimulation of the nipples alone! And the best was yet to come!
I know I can cum from pain alone. A precise hit to my clit can send me over the edge. But so far that had happened only after long masturbation sessions with lots of edging when I was really really really horny. But without any preceding direct stimulation? Before yesterday I would have thought that there was no chance. However, as I was lying there on my back, stemming my hips into the air (actually desperately trying to hump the air), dripping my juices onto my bedsheet I wasn't so sure anymore. My clit was so enlarged that it protruded dark red and swollen from its hood. I've never seen that to this extent before! I have no idea from where I was able to summon the strength, but I decided that I couldn't take the risk. Hence I converted the pussy spanking to a spanking of the inner thighs. And believe me: I hit them hard … driven by incredible frustration. "I can't even have that kind of touch?" I didn't want to stop. "Just some more stimulation! Any!!" When I finally called it quits it was more from exhaustion then a conscious choice. My thighs were burning, my breasts were burning, my nipples were burning, and my clit felt as if it was about to burst. For a couple of minutes I laid there motionless, and then I fetched a towel soaked in cold water to press between my legs.
I usually don't like the idea of chastity belts a lot. To wear a chastity belt means accepting a situation in which one
can't touch oneself. That's a significant sacrifice for sure. However, to develop the self-control and to offer the commitment to not touch oneself even though one
could seems the harder, therefore more meaningful gift to me. But at this moment I craved my pussy to be locked away, to be absolutely inaccessible, to be able to forget about it, to stop the gruelling fight with myself. I even considered cuffing my hands to the headboard, just to stop the internal struggle. I finally fell into a very light sleep, being half awake for longer periods of time, dreaming, waking dreaming, sobbing. And now that I'm typing this (it's just 5am) I'm just too tired to be frustrated. Maybe it's just idiocy from sleep deprivation, but I'm actually proud of myself and … not happy … not happy at all … but relieved I could still write "Day 25!" rather than starting with day one again. But I really hope for better times to come.