It's day 10 of my "no touch at all" denial experiment and I can say I'm definitely beyond the easiness of the first days. Since touching my sexually responsive regions is off limits they seem to expand in an attempt to get at least some attention. My nipples are erect and sensitive most of the time. When fabric brushes against them they send shivers through my body. Even rubbing my feet together excites me "sexually" right now. But that's one of the things I really love about denying myself release: when my sexuality slowly invades every single fibre of my body; when everyday occurrences lose their banality and are immersed in the heated atmosphere of lustfulness. Yesterday and today the pure act of stripping naked to take a shower got me aroused. "Really?," I thought, annoyed and pleased at the same time, "I just want to get ready for my day here." The lines between touching for washing and for sexual pleasure started to blur. I might have to resort to cold showers soon. Brrr! The day before yesterday I was waiting unsuspectingly in line, when suddenly my pussy twitched. A couple of hours later the same happened on the bus and subsequently in the library. Apart from some slight worries that people might apprehend what's going on I find these instances quite enjoyable and easy to deal with. Who would masturbate in public even if the desire felt almost overwhelming, right? Alone at home things are different though.
Yesterday morning I spent quite some time reading through
this detailed, entertaining, and inspiring denial journal. I got some really neat ideas of things I'd like to try – numbing cream on the clit, a clit pump. But the wonderful read made me extremely aroused and I felt my panties getting soaked. Some passages resonated deeply with me and made my clit throb. Not letting my hand slip into my jeans became a serious challenge to my self-discipline. "Just a little touch. Please? Just a slight one. Not long. Just a little. I'll stay far away from the edge, I promise. Just a little touch after ten days of negligence? Please?" I had to remind myself stringently, that this was not what I wanted right now. Well, that's not entirely true: of course I wanted to touch. Badly. Really badly. If it had been a democratic decision between my leaking cunt, my endorphin flooded brain and "me" (whatever else of "me" would be left in this scenario) "I" probably would have lost. But somehow "I" held things together. I desperately wanted to touch myself. But there was something else I wanted even more: to preserve exactly this heightened level of arousal and exhilarating frustration. At the moment that's enough to keep control.
But concentrating on my studies was difficult. Even though I expected another struggle I wanted to do something at least remotely sexual. Thus I decided to repack my toys. The old box hadn't been big enough for a while and I had gotten something new in the mail (a muzzle gag with integrated ball; I'm looking forward to try it out!). So I laid out my dildos, my gags, my clamps, my bondage gear, and my plugs. Quite a collection and some fond memories! But when I reached for my rabbit vibrator I gasped for air. How many blissful orgasms I had with this wonderful device! How good would it feel to just lay back, stuff it in, set it on high, and dissolve in waves of pleasure? Again there was a short moment when I nearly surrendered to my horniness. My pussy was buzzing, doing its best to lead me astray, but again of no avail. It feels good to win these small victories over myself.
However, there is one aspect of my denial that's really unpleasant: I don't sleep well at all. I didn't get more than two or three hours of sleep in the last nights. Once or twice I woke up from horniness, maybe from a dream? But most of the time I've just woken up in the middle of the night, even though I was still dead tired. And I couldn't get back to sleep for hours. I've observed the same the last times I denied myself orgasms for a longer time. I'm wondering whether the change in hormones interferes with the ability to sleep. On the other hand the wakefulness gave me extra time to browse the internet and I have found some cool ideas for DIY additions to my enlarged toy box. I'll keep you posted …