Officelover, I really like this, and I think a lot of writers would do well to read this, even some I've seen who are published. However, I feel like it is somewhat incomplete.
It seems to me you are focusing on microelements of the story such as word choice, grammar, and plot, which is fine, but I think there are many stories that do well in these areas but are still somewhat mediocre. I would encourage sections that evaluate macroelements like suspense, character development, theme, irony, dramatic tension, and voice.
I do not think these are elements that are too high minded for T or D stories, in fact, I think elements like these make the crucial difference between something that is merely a power or sexual fantasy and something that is a truly enjoyable story.
For example, lot of stories have great potential for character development and tension. Perhaps the person blackmailing feels ethical qualms about his behavior, or he is acting out his need for control because he actually feel impotent, or whatever works for your character, but these tensions are rarely really explored, let alone developed or resolved in a way the provides an interesting and changing character.
Perfection is simple, real people are complex. If I write the perfect master or the perfect slave, he/she is not believable. The more I rush through a story to get to plot elements, the more it is boring. I think complex, conflicted, and multi-faceted characters lead to interesting stories, even if they are less 'ideal' or extreme.
Just some thoughts...
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