[alli55]

“I fancy a bag of crisps!” announces my husband. “What flavours have we got?”

A mischievous thought pushes its way into my mind. “I’ll get you a bag,” I tell him, as I get up and head for the kitchen cupboard. I return and toss a bag of Sunbites to him.

“What flavour are they?” he asks me.

“Take a look!”

He does so and nods his head, knowingly. “Yeah, very good!” he remarks. “Thai sweet chilli!”

I flash him a loving smile.

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring,” Trixie begins, “I’m Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… and I’m definitely not Joe Denecker!” remarks Lowri. “He’s gone to see DD and her henchmen, so I’m covering for him!”

“We’re approaching halfway through our Chilli Challenge,” Trixie reminds us, “and we still have nine of our eleven daredevils left in.”

“So, let’s push on!” Lowri says. “Please eat chilli number 5!”

‘Orange Habañero (250,000 SHU)’. This chilli, as well as being the hottest so far, is also a fair bit bigger than the others have been. Ayla looks decidedly unhappy, and, further along the line, we can see Mia psyching herself up to make an attempt at eating it. Tommy is again nibbling at his, and Keenan is forced to bite into this one, rather than put the whole thing straight into his mouth. Returning to Ayla, we see her employing her so-far successful tactic of taking small bites. Mia’s chilli is half-devoured when we next see her, and Tommy is nearly finished as well. For a moment, it looks like Dylan is reaching for his glass of water, but when we take a closer look, we see he is just retrieving a stray piece of chilli. Perhaps a little surprisingly, all nine daredevils have made it through this latest round.

“Ayla,” asks Trixie, “how’s it going?”

“It’s getting harder,” she tells us, surprising no-one, “but I’m going to just keep taking small bites and see how far I can go.”

Lowri is standing behind Keenan. “This looks like it’s right up your street!” she says to him.

“It’s mind over matter,” he informs her, “just make yourself do it!”

“Okay,” announces Trixie, “we’re halfway through the Chilli Challenge! Time to heat things up a little more! Please eat chilli number 6!”

This one, according to the caption, is ‘Scotch Bonnet (400,000 SHU)’. Another slightly bigger, yellow chilli is the focus of everyone’s attention this time. One bite of it is enough to convince Tommy it’s time to quit, and he reaches for his water, giving him a final score of 5 points. As expected, Ayla is struggling, and her little bites have become tiny bites. Mia psychs herself up again, and Shanumi seems to be in some difficulty as well. We get our first real look at Matt, as he calmly chews his way through his chilli. Ayla’s bites have now become so miniscule as to not really contain any chilli at all, and it seems doubtful if she can go much further. Mia manages to force the last of her chilli down, just as Ayla gives up and takes a much-needed swig of water. She also collects 5 points.

“So, we’ve lost Ayla and Tommy there,” Trixie confirms, as she moves to stand behind the Yorkshireman. “How was that, Tommy?” she asks him.

“Horrible! I’m not a fan!”

“I’m amazed I got this far!” Ayla tells Lowri, when asked how she feels. “5 points will do me!”

“Alright then,” Lowri says, “seven of you left and we’re onto chilli number 7! Let’s get that chilli inside you!”

‘Tenerife Tangerine (750,000 SHU)’ the caption informs us, as the heat of the chillies really starts to ramp up. This orange-coloured chilli is eyed suspiciously by Shanumi, who we get the impression is approaching the end of her challenge. Keenan is quickly into his chilli, and Matt is also stuffing plenty into his mouth. Dylan is nibbling and looking uncertain, as we quickly switch our attention to Jaz, just in time to see her drop the chilli and reach for the water. Her challenge ends, giving her 6 points. Mia tries a bite but can’t go through with it, and returns to trying to pump herself up enough to get it done. Shanumi concedes defeat and takes 6 points along with her much-needed cooling water. Matt’s eyes appear to be watering, but his chilli is all gone; as we linger on his face, we hear a loud “No!” and we quickly switch to Mia, who has thrown her chilli on the floor in disgust and is gulping down her glass of water. It’s 6 points for her, too.

“Now we’re seeing who the real chilli masters are!” comments Lowri.

“How are you feeling?” Trixie asks Jaz.

“A bit disappointed,” she admits, “I think I could have gone further, but the water was too tempting!”

“Mia,” Lowri remarks, “you’re not a happy bunny, are you?!”

“No! My mouth is on fire! But I should have done better than that!”

“What about you, Shanumi,” Trixie enquires, “are you happy with how you did?”

“Yeah, it’s okay!” she replies.

“Matt’s not looking too good!” Lowri points out. “Are you okay, there?” she asks him.

“I’ll live!” he answers. “Probably!”

“Okay, just four daredevils left,” Trixie tells us, “so let’s bring on chilli number 8!”

As we read the caption, we realise this is the first of the big ones! ‘Ghost Pepper (1,000,000 SHU)’. Yes, that’s one million! Keenan is again the first to finish his chilli; and we see Eilidh for the first time in the Chilli Challenge, quietly munching away on her piece of red devilry. Matt’s eyes are watering again and his bites are becoming smaller, but it is Dylan who throws in the towel in this round. He shakes his head, puts the chilli onto the table, and then pummels the life out of it with his fist. He has 7 points and a pile of chilli-pulp to take from this part of the dare.

“A bit disappointed, are we?” Lowri asks the young student.

“I’m never eating another chilli in my life!” he declares. “They’re evil!”

“Matt, would you like a tissue?” Trixie offers.

“I’d prefer several ice cubes!” he quips.

Lowri pushes the challenge on to the next level. “Right, we have two chillies to go and three of you left in. So, please get started on chilli number 9.”

Just the name of this one is enough to put the frighteners on you: ‘Carolina Reaper (1,500,000 SHU)’. That’s 50 times hotter than the Tabasco that Gemma couldn’t handle! Matt screws his face up as he takes a cautious nibble, and Keenan’s face is turning as red as the remaining half of his chilli. Eilidh is munching away, but she is grimacing. Keenan finishes his chilli and immediately opens his mouth and begins trying to fan cool air in with his hands. Eilidh is now halfway through her chilli and pulling faces that any self-respecting gurning champion would be proud of! Matt lets out a strangled cry, as he concedes defeat and grabs his glass of water. Our attention returns to Eilidh: will she make it to the end of the chilli before her face can contort no more? No, is the answer, as, with just a bite or two left, she can take it no longer. She savours the relief that the water brings to her blazing mouth. Matt and Eilidh take 8 points, but it is Keenan who has won the Chilli Challenge.

“Matt,” exclaims Lowri, “was that one chilli too far!?”

“Where are those ice cubes?” he asks her.

“That was so horrible!” Eilidh tells Trixie. “My mouth has been abused like never before!”

“Keenan, congratulations! You are our Chilli Master!” Lowri cries. Ominously, she adds, “But you’re not finished yet!”

“It’s time for chilli number 10!” Trixie begins. “Keenan, are you ready for it?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be!” he tells her.

“Okay, start munching!” Lowri instructs him.

‘Dragon’s Breath (2,000,000 SHU)’.

Two million?! What the hell is that going to do to Keenan and his poor mouth?!

It’s only tiny, but it’s like red dynamite! Keenan, bravely or foolishly, bites it in two and puts half in his mouth. He recoils as the chilli’s ferocious heat rips into him. His eyes widen unnaturally, and he seems to develop a nervous tick in one cheek. But he desperately wants that one extra point, so he stuffs the rest of the chilli into his mouth. His expression is beyond pained, but sheer determination forces him to swallow the source of his agony, and he stands up and raises his arms in triumph. He truly is the Chilli Master, having consumed all 10 of the fiery fiends.

“Amazing!” Trixie exclaims, as the rest of the daredevils whoop and cheer their respect for the Chilli Master.

“Tremendous job, Keenan!” Lowri tells him.

“Wow, Keenan, 10 points, and our Chilli Challenge Champion!” Trixie announces.

“What have you got to say?” asks Lowri.

“I think I’m going to die!” Keenan tells her. “I can’t feel my tongue!”

“Open wide!” Lowri instructs him. When he opens his mouth, she takes a quick look inside. “You’re alright,” she says, reassuringly, “it’s still there!”

The filmed footage ends, and we return, live, to the studio, where the daredevils are now sat in their rows of chairs. Trixie and Joe are standing at one end.

“Let’s hear it for our Chilli Challenge Champion, Keenan!” Trixie cries, eliciting a lengthy round of applause for what was a stellar dare performance. “And thanks to Lowri for helping out!” she continues, before turning to Joe. “So, what happened to you?”

“That woman needs to be locked up!” he declares. “She’s completely out of control!”

“You didn’t enjoy your training then?”

“She had some bloke try and hypnotise us! She’s mad!”

“Well, she appears to have got you trained!” Trixie comments.

“No!” retorts Joe. “What d’you mean?”

Trixie points to the words on Joe’s t-shirt. “That looks pretty well-trained to me!”

“What, my shirt?” Joe asks. “This is just something I threw on!”

“Of course it is!” Trixie smirks. “But let’s find out what the sultry siren herself has to say on the matter! Is he trained?” she asks.

The Dare Deliverer’s distinctive tones are heard once more. “Oh, he’s trained alright!”

“Can we see?” Trixie enquires.

“Why, certainly, my little one!” comes the reply. “Joseph, sleep!” she instructs. Joe’s head falls forward, as Trixie watches, impressed.

“Marcus!” calls the Dare Deliverer, and her burly henchman walks across the studio. “It’s time for his walkies!” Marcus fits a leather collar around Joe’s neck and attaches a lead to it. “Joseph, walkies!” He lifts his head and begins to walk off across the studio, with Marcus following, holding the lead. As she disappears from the shot, Trixie is smirking again.

“Joseph, stop!” and he stops. “Joseph, kneel!”; he kneels. “Joseph, walkies!” and he’s up and off again. Marcus makes him circle back to Trixie, and he is brought to a halt: “Joseph, stop!” Marcus removes the collar and lead, and exits.

Trixie is clearly enjoying this, but things are about to get better still!

“Would you like your tummy tickled?” the sultry voice asks Joe, before instructing, “Joseph, tickles!” He drops to the floor and rolls onto his back. “Well go on, my little one, what are you waiting for?” she encourages Trixie.

Trixie crouches down and begins, a little self-consciously, to rub Joe’s stomach.

“He likes that!” remarks the Dare Deliverer, as the audience convulse with laughter.

Catching everyone unawares, Ayla suddenly joins Trixie and begins to properly tickle Joe’s tummy. Involuntarily, he starts wriggling around.

“Well done, my little daredevil,” the voice tells Ayla, “that’s it, make him squirm!” She leaves Joe to the devices of the two women for a little while longer, before telling them, “Okay, I think he’s had enough now!”

As Ayla returns to her seat, Trixie picks Joe up. We hear the Dare Deliverer click her fingers and say, “Welcome back, Joseph!”, and Joe looks at Trixie, waiting for her to say something.

“Yeah,” she obliges, “not trained at all!”

“Told you!” he says.

“Okay, we’ll be back with more food-based dares for our enthusiastic eleven, after the break,” Trixie announces. Just before the theme music begins, she turns to Joe and asks, “Would you like your tummy tickled?”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate, really!” he tells her, and we cut to the ad-break.

Lissie has laughed so much her sides hurt! “That was brilliant!” she tells us.

“That’s one of the things I like about this show: it doesn’t take itself too seriously and it’s not afraid to play havoc with its normal format!” Phil remarks.

“That’s two things!” Maddie points out, mischievously.

“Oh, what are you, suddenly,” he challenges her, “chairman of the Pedantic Society?”

“It’s the Association of Pedants, actually!” she replies, trying really hard to keep a straight face.

He just throws his cushion at her!