I really like the style, talking directly to the reader and digress here and there.
But I also have to agree with Sexualobster... the sentences are sometimes just too long... or, well not too long but the structure is too difficult for a smooth read. Try to avoid unnecessary long and difficult sentences, if you can express the same meaning/feeling in easier ones.
You party did that with shorter sentences though...
"Curiosity pulsed through Maddie's body. Or was that the urge to pee? Anyhow, she pushed on the door timidly to reveal.....that it was locked."
In comparison to the rest, this was short, so fitting to what is going on, good!
You have great potential!
Reading this I can actually learn some new words...
And I like your stylistic work...
Alliteration
Curiosity
Caught the
Cat
Parallelism and intended repetition of questionable
eating sandwiches of questionable origin and
--1-------2-------3--------4--------5
talking about
topics of questionable importance.
--1------------2---3--------4------------5
Something like an Anaphora (and some kind of Parallelism for the rest of the sentence)
So it was only when she walked into the room of naked people in collars being ordered about that she realized the severity of her actions.
And it was only when the suave voice from behind her called out that she began to wonder about the consequences she had so easily shrugged off.
good work :3 keep it coming ^^