[alli55]

Taking up our usual positions, we sit through the last of the adverts, before the TV announcer tells us what we are waiting to hear.

“Now on Channel 4, it’s our daretastic new Saturday night show, Britain’s Most Daring. You have to watch this! Go on, I dare you!”

The opening titles for Channel 4’s edgy gameshow have been tweaked once again. Alongside some of the familiar images that have been there from the start, there are clips from the regional auditions, together with some new footage gleaned from the dares performed last week. The credits end to an enthusiastic round of applause from the studio audience, before the screen fades to black and a caption, in white letters, appears: ‘Last week on Britain’s Most Daring …’.

A montage begins. It is not as frantic as last week’s opening was, but it still moves rapidly from clip to clip. Following the Dare Deliverer’s announcement of the dare, we see: James repeatedly saying “Mamma Mia”; Tariq doing keepy uppys; Bradley speaking in an appalling Australian accent; the DAPAs shrugging and shaking their heads; Eilidh telling an old couple about Hollyoaks; Shanumi getting out of a stretch limo; Dylan signing books; Mia at Stonehenge; Jaz drawing pictures for schoolkids; James giving a talk at a conference; Matt being hit by two builders’ hard-hats; Gemma speaking on the phone in a French accent; Tommy being over-enthusiastically hugged by an old lady; Gemma taking her applause as last week’s winner; and Ayla complimenting a tall, dark, handsome man. Then we see a shot of Bex as she turns and begins her walk off the show; over this shot a red number 15 appears, then the 5 changes to a 4, before the number fades away. We then see the remaining 14 daredevils, as they appeared at the end of last week’s show, waiting for their next dare. The montage finishes with Keenan outside Buckingham Palace saying, “Back to ze studio.”

Another round of applause leads into the appearance of our two hosts. This week, Trixie is wearing a classic little black dress with a halter neck, leaving her arms bare from the shoulders down. Joe has made a more significant change to his outfit, this week, ditching the slightly-worn jeans in favour of a pair of smart trousers, which he is complementing with a red-and-white checked shirt, with the top two buttons undone.

As ever, it is Trixie who speaks first as the applause begins to die away. This week, though, she is a little premature and has to pause once before restarting her introduction.

“Hello and welcome, … hello and welcome to Britain’s Most Daring, with me, Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… and me, Joe Denecker,” says Joe, once more.

“Well, Joe, what a show we had last week!” recalls Trixie.

“Aye, it was bangin’ man!” he agrees.

“Fame and foreign accents, what more can you ask for?”

“Actually,” Joe tells her, “I had a bit of a ‘famous celeb’ moment myself this week.”

“Yeah?” she prompts. “What happened?”

“I was minding my own business, like, and this woman comes up to us and says ‘You’re that bloke off the telly, aren’t you?’ I played it cool, like, and said ‘maybe’, and she said, ‘you are, I’d recognise you anywhere!’ So, I said, ‘Okay, fair play, you’ve got me!’ and she said, ‘I knew it! I never miss an episode of Geordie Shore!’”

Trixie laughs, but puts her hand reassuringly on Joe’s arm.

“I mean,” he exclaims, “who does she think I am?!”

We see the DAPAs shrugging their shoulders in answer to his question.

“Anyway,” Trixie turns her attention to the little matter of Britain’s Most Daring, “after Bex’s departure last week, we’re down to 14 wannabe winners, all trying to make sure it’s not them who’s the next to leave.”

“That’s right,” adds Joe, “once again all wor daredevils have been given a dare to do this week, and the three with the lowest scores from the DAPAs will have to take part in tonight’s Live Dare-Off.”

Trixie continues, “And whoever loses that, will be leaving the show.”

“Because,” Joe reminds us, “if you flop you’re dropped!”

“Straight after last week’s show, our 14 remaining daredevils were given their next dare, courtesy of the Dare Deliverer,” Trixie tells us.

On the screen we see the daredevils, as they were at the end of last week’s show, sat in their seats, listening as the sultry voice of the Dare Deliverer announces their forthcoming dare.

“This week, my little daredevils,” she says, “I dare you to allow someone to give you a makeover! You can decide who you want to do this, but you must give them free rein to do as they please. Be daring, little ones!”

There are varying reactions to the dare they have been given, with Bradley looking particularly concerned. Shanumi is shaking her head defiantly, and any viewers able to lip-read will spot her saying “Ain’t happening!” repeatedly.

Bearing in mind what Maddie has kind of let slip to me and Lissie, we are now wondering exactly what sort of makeover Gemma has had!

“Oh my God!” Lissie cries, looking over at her older sister. “What’s Gemma done?”

Maddie just shrugs and says, “You’ll see!”

Live in the studio, Trixie comments, “Well that’s a very different dare they’re facing this week!”

“It certainly is,” agrees Joe, “and the big question is, how far will they let themselves be made over? We could see some interesting transformations!”

“Each of our daredevils was chaperoned for their makeover,” Trixie reveals, “to make sure that they really were giving their chosen person a free rein.”

“So, let’s get straight into it!” says Joe. “First up, it’s Tariq. Here’s Aleksandra to tell you more.”

We see Aleksandra, wearing a knee-length raincoat with a silk scarf that wraps itself around her neck before plunging down her front. She is standing outside a fashion boutique.

“Tariq has decided to come to a top fashion outlet for men, here in central London,” she informs us in her enticing East European accent. “He is hoping they will give him a makeover that will keep him well away from the Dare-Off! But how far will he let Gareth go?”

The scene changes to a private room inside the boutique, which, at least for now, is being used as a kind of consultation room. There is a smartly-dressed man, who we take to be the afore-mentioned Gareth, who looks to be thirty-something, standing opposite Tariq and Aleksandra. Tariq is wearing t-shirt and jeans.

“So,” says Gareth, “what sort of look are you trying for?”

“I was hoping you could come up with something, innit,” says Tariq. “You know, just give me a new look, yeah?”

“Could you give me a little more to go on?” Gareth presses him.

Tariq looks at Aleksandra, but she’s here to chaperone, not help, so says nothing. In his effort to help Gareth out, Tariq makes his first mistake.

“Just, maybe, something a bit smart, innit,” he suggests, disobeying the ‘free rein’ instruction.

We watch a montage of clips, during which Gareth measures up Tariq, assesses his options, and pulls a few likely outfits off the pegs in various parts of the boutique.

Whilst we watch, Aleksandra’s voiceover helpfully explains what is going on. “Gareth searches for some likely options to give Tariq the look he has asked for. While he is waiting, Tariq realises he has made a mistake by giving Gareth a look to aim for.”

“Oh bruv, I shouldn’t have said smart,” he says to the camera, “I’ve messed up, innit?”

Gareth arrives back, and we see Tariq dressed in a number of different outfits, mainly either a suit of some type or a waistcoat-and-trouser ensemble. Gareth preens and picks at each one, and Aleksandra helpfully poses next to Tariq to see how each outfit looks with a beautiful woman on his arm! With each new outfit, she pushes her luck just a little more, until she is practically draped over Tariq, much to the poor lad’s embarrassment. Eventually, Gareth puts Tariq back into a mauve-and-grey, diamond-patterned waistcoat with black trousers, and adds a mauve bow tie to finish the look.

“That’s the one!” he says. “But you’ll need to get rid of the stubble!” he tells Tariq.

“I can help with that!” Aleksandra offers, inexplicably producing a lady shaver from her bag. Tariq looks a little alarmed, but allows himself to be sat in a chair while Aleksandra makes quick work of removing his designer stubble. As she finishes, she winks provocatively to the camera.

“That’s the look!” Gareth remarks.

We return to the studio, and, to an enthusiastic round of applause, the new-look Tariq walks from off-stage across to join Trixie and Joe.

“Wow, Tariq!” says Trixie. “Quite the man about town!”

Tariq is clearly embarrassed but manages a weak smile.

“How d’you feel?” asks Joe.

“Over-dressed, innit!” he answers.

“We heard you say you’d messed up, …” Trixie says, leaving a pause for Tariq to fill.

“Yeah,” Tariq admits, “he kept pushing me to tell him what I wanted, and I said that thing about something smart, innit. I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late, you know!”

“Well, let’s see how much damage that’s done to your score,” Joe says. “It’s time to go over to wor very own Dare Attempt Performance Analysts, DAPA Dan and DAPA Danielle.”

The DAPAs, still dressed to the nines in sharp suits, bow slightly to acknowledge their introductions, before each pressing a button on their handheld keypad. The score they have each awarded is shown on a screen above their respective heads. We see that both DAPAs have given Tariq 5 out of 10, making a total score of 10 points. Based on last week’s scores, this should be enough to keep him safe, but it isn’t as high as he would have liked.

“What d’you think, Tariq?” asks Joe.

“It’s okay! I think I’ll be alright, innit!”

“Tariq, everyone,” enthuses Trixie, encouraging the audience to applaud. As they do, Tariq makes his way over to the rows of chairs.

“Okay, let’s head over to Mairie in Belfast,” says Trixie, “where she’s keeping an eye on James!”

Mairie and James are back in the same park we saw them in last week, sitting on the bench once more.

“So, James,” Mairie begins, “who have you picked to do your makeover?”

“For the life of me, I don’t know why I’ve done this,” he remarks, “but I’m going to let Eleanor, my eldest daughter, work her magic!”

“Goodness,” exclaims Mairie, “that’s brave! How old is Eleanor?”

“She’s 19,” James reveals, “and she’s studying hair and beauty therapy at college, so I’m hoping she knows what she’s doing!”

At the family home, we see James and his daughter, a short, full-figured girl, stood in the living room, with an excitable Jack Russell running around their feet.

“So, Els,” James asks Eleanor, “have you got an idea of what you want to do?”

“Yes, Dad, I have,” she tells him.

“Am I allowed to know what it is?”

“No! You just do as I tell you and leave it to me!”

He smiles nervously to the camera. We hear Mairie’s voice, off-camera, say, “You still sure about this, James?”

“He’s not changing his mind now!” Eleanor tells her.

We see Eleanor set to work, tidying up what hair her father has, before giving his face a close razor-shave. She uses a hair-dye to hide the areas where flecks of grey are starting to appear, before announcing, “Now for the finishing touch!”

At this point the film abruptly ends.

“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s welcome James to the studio!” urges Trixie.

When James walks on we see that the finishing touch is a jet-black hairpiece, either a wig or toupee, which has been fitted very well, giving him what appears to be a natural full head of hair. He crosses the studio, smiling broadly, and stops between Joe and Trixie.

“That’s quite something Eleanor’s done for you there!” comments Joe.

“Isn’t it just!” laughs James.

“What did you think when you first saw it?” asks Trixie.

“I was mainly concerned about how well it was going to stay in place!”

Joe is inspecting James’ head closely. “Well, I canna see the join!” he remarks. “Nice one, Eleanor!”

The shot changes, and we see that Eleanor is in the audience. She smiles when she realises she’s on camera.

“Eleanor, how did you decide what to do for your Dad’s makeover?” Trixie asks her.

Still looking up at the image of herself on the studio screen, Eleanor replies, “I just thought it would be fun to see what he looked like if he wasn’t going bald! I can’t really remember when he was like that naturally!”

“And what do you think?” Trixie enquires.

Eleanor puts a hand on one cheek and smiles again, as she tells us, “He looks really different! But, in a good way! I think he looks nice like that!”

“Well, thanks for making him over!” Trixie says. “Let’s see if it’s impressed the DAPAs!”

The DAPAs award James 6 points each, putting him slightly ahead of Tariq, on 12 points.

“I’m happy with that!” he tells Trixie when she asks, and he takes his place in the chairs to warm applause from the studio audience.

“Don’t go away!” Trixie instructs us. “We’ve got more transformations after the break on Britain’s Most Daring!”

Looking at Lissie, I can see she’s almost bursting with anticipation, finding it really frustrating to have to ‘wait and see’ what Gemma has done for her makeover. Her foot is going to be worn out if she has to wait too long!

I really wish Maddie hadn’t been so thoughtless yesterday evening! I also hope to goodness that Gemma’s appearance comes much earlier in this week’s programme than it did in last week’s!