[alli55]

“I’m quite surprised Gemma went in for a show like this!” Phil remarks, changing the subject slightly, “I wouldn’t have put her down as the daring type!”

“No,” I agree, “I know what you mean!” Turning to my eldest daughter, I ask, “Maddie, do you know why Gemma decided to go to the audition?”

Maddie does know, and tells us, “She went with two others from her work. They all sort of egged each other on into doing it. But one of the others wouldn’t do the Ice Bucket Challenge, apparently, and the other did everything but just didn’t get picked. He told Gemma that she only got chosen because she’s young and pretty. At least, that’s what Stacie told me.”

“I’d do it if I was old enough!” Lissie announces.

I know for a fact that she wouldn’t! She might think she would, but faced with a challenging situation, Lissie generally bottles out.

As we return after the ad-break, Trixie tries to vary her usual welcome back speech a little. “We’re about to find out who our last regional winner is on Britain’s Most Daring, with me Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… And me, Joe Denecker.” There’s little Joe can do to alter his contribution.

“So, I guess we know where we’re going, then?!” Trixie half-asks half-tells Joe.

“Yep, it’s the nation’s capital, the multicultural melting pot where anything goes!” Joe gives the final region a big build up. “So, I think we can expect plenty of up-for-anything daredevils here, as we join Aleksandra in London!”

The moment she appears on the screen, it is crystal clear that Aleksandra is breathtakingly beautiful. Naturally blonde, with striking blue eyes, she has a pert figure that she is showing off in a tight-fitting mini-dress, and wavy hair that hangs seductively over her shoulders. When she speaks, we become aware that she isn’t a native Londoner. Her accent not only betrays her East European descent but adds to her allure.

“Hello everyone, and welcome to Docklands in the heart of the city of London,” she says, managing to speak and maintain a radiant smile at the same time. “As you can see, here in the capital there is no shortage of people waiting to take up our challenge!”

We switch to a wide-angle, overhead shot, which reveals an enormous number of people in a queue that wiggles this way and that around what appears to be a car park minus the vehicles.

“Because we have so many would-be daredevils, we must change our Ice Bucket Challenge to cope with the crowds,” she informs us, “but, luckily for us, we already knew how crazy and daring Londoners are, so we expected this! So, let’s watch our wannabes enjoying their ice-cold group showers!”

Once the montage begins, we see that people are entering in groups of six, and each group is soaked by the contents of a large overhead tank that is acting as a giant ice bucket. Some groups clearly contain friends who have come along together, as we see them hugging each other to try to protect themselves a little; other groups are more obviously just a collection of strangers sharing an icy soaking. We only see a few refusals, and can assume that the food hall is going to need to be considerably bigger than the others ones we’ve seen this evening.

When we return from the montage, we find Aleksandra stood on a balcony overlooking a large arena-type floorspace filled with the usual tables and chairs. Almost all of the wannabes are wearing the now-expected bath-robes.

“After we gave them a bath-robe each to dry off and warm up,” Aleksandra explains, “we bring them into here for a lovely traditional Cockney snack!” She holds up a pack of jellied eels and, with her other hand, stabs a piece of eel with a small fork. It appears she may actually be going to eat some of this. “I have here some proper jellied eels,” she informs us, “but the ones that we have for our daredevils are not quite the same. Mine have been chopped, boiled in vinegar, and coated with spices, which is what you must do! Theirs have been only chopped up and left! I don’t want to eat the ones they have, but mine … yummy!” She ends her piece to camera by popping the piece of jellied eel on her fork into her mouth and chewing.

Jellied eels, despite its reputation as a Cockney favourite, is far from everyone’s cup of tea at the best of times, and, as we see from the montage, when faced with these chopped bits of eel, the wannabes are clearly struggling. Given the huge numbers that have made it this far, it is probably a good thing that over half cannot stomach even the thought of eating bits of eel and simply either leave or sit in their chair waiting for time to be called. Others, though, are making a start, and varying amounts of eel are disappearing from plates. The camera focusses on one young black girl, who is taking bits of eel from the plates of those around her, even though her plate is still full. As we watch, she becomes more careful about which pieces she selects. We see a few more shots of people eating bits of eel, before the montage ends by returning to the eel thief. A close-up shot of the table in front of her reveals that she has reconstructed a whole eel!

When we return to Aleksandra, she is still chewing and her pack of jellied eels is empty, leading us to believe that she has eaten the lot.

“Mmmm,” she says, after she has swallowed her last mouthful, “I love jellied eels! I think I must have Cockney ancestors!” She smiles, once more, her face lighting up with its captivating radiance. “So, if you can Adam-and-Eve it, we have brought our judges up the apples-and-pears, to give us the brass-tacks and let us know who was Mae-West at the dare! And if you understood that, do me a cheesy-quaver and let me know, because I haven’t understood a dicky-bird!" She shrugs her shoulders and giggles, before adding, “I haven’t got a Scooby-Doo!” and giggling again. Regaining her composure, she attempts to put on a serious face, and states, “Anyway, our judges have been looking at what everyone has eaten, and they have picked their winner. So, a big round of applause for Tariq!”

The camera shot widens to show Tariq, a young Asian lad with a short haircut and stubbly growth on his chin, standing next to Aleksandra. He shifts uncomfortably, looking rather embarrassed, when she puts her arm around him, pulls him in close to her, and informs us, “And he’s such a good boy, as well!”, giggling again. At least she’s not quite as forward as Lowri was with poor Dylan!

We return to the studio, where Trixie introduces the final regional winner. “Let’s give our London regional champion a big Britain’s Most Daring welcome: from Acton, 20-year-old software developer, Tariq!” The young Londoner swaggers across the studio, with a very down-with-the-kids walking style. The accompanying applause is as enthusiastic as always.

Joe shakes Tariq’s hand and says, “Tariq, you managed to escape Aleksandra’s clutches then?!”

Tariq nods, and shuffles his feet, somewhat embarrassedly.

“How did you enjoy your day, overall?” asks Joe.

“It was good, innit,” Tariq replies. “I’ve never had jellied eels before, but afterwards, on the way home, I bought a pack to see what they were supposed to taste like, innit!”

“And …?” Joe enquires.

“They were a lot better than the one you lot gave me, innit!” Tariq laughs.

“Give it up for Tariq, everyone!” cries Trixie, as Joe shows Tariq where to sit.

The camera pans along the two occupied rows of chairs as Trixie begins her next link.

“There she is!” Lissie points out as Gemma comes into shot.

“Thank-you, Lissie,” Maddie replies sarcastically, “I’d never have known!”

“So, we have our 10 regional winners, but that still leaves us five seats to fill. Which means it’s time to find our ‘wonderful wildcards’!” Trixie declares.

“That’s right,” Joe picks up the explanation, “we’re looking for wor wowwers: people who impressed us with the way they took on the dares and made us want to have them on the show.”

“It was a really tough call, trying to pick just 5 from all those we saw, but, in the end, we found a collection of ‘wildcards’ that we think truly are wonderful!” Trixie continues. “But before we bring them on, let’s take a look at them in action!”

The latest montage begins, and we see shots of the chosen ‘wildcards’. Some we recognise instantly from having seen them already, whilst others we either haven’t so far seen or they weren’t distinctive enough in their previous appearance to really remember. The montage continuously jumps back and forth between the five people, and, as it goes on, we become familiar with the five ‘wonderful wildcards’, …

… there is the young woman on Bournemouth beach happily chewing on seaweed, before pausing and pulling a sea-snail out of her mouth, looking at it and then eating it …

… we see another less-familiar young woman trying desperately and repeatedly to force herself to eat pieces of a pig’s heart, but having to spit it out each time …

… a man we haven’t seen before, slightly older than most of the people on the show, appears to be trying to cram several pieces of eel into his mouth, ever more frantically each time we return to him, in an attempt to stay in with a chance of winning the London audition …

… and, staying in London, we see our eel re-constructor at work once more, taking pieces from various other plates and meticulously piecing them together on the table in front of her…

… there’s the young woman dismembering her haggis and spreading its contents over the table in front of her; and it is with her that the montage comes to an end when the words ‘this is shit’ are emblazoned across the screen in mince as the culprit leans on the table next to her work, her mouth turned down, disconsolately, but with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Weren’t they something else!?” Trixie remarks, as the audience whoop their appreciation. “So, let’s bring out our ‘wonderful wildcards’! … 21-year-old sales assistant from Weymouth, Mia! …”

“… From Solihull, 23-year-old sales assistant, Jaz! …” Joe continues,

“… From Croydon,” Trixie says, “32-year-old store manager, Keenan, …”

“… 26-year-old paediatric care assistant from Tottenham,” says Joe, “it’s Shanumi ...”

“… And,” concludes Trixie, “from Greenock, 22-year-old lab technician, Eilidh!”

As each of the names is called out, the next ‘wonderful wildcard’ walks out to raucous applause. It is instantly apparent that, however well the regional winners have done to get onto the show, it is these five who are most likely to become audience favourites, though Ayla may provide some tough competition in that particular contest!

The five ‘wildcards’ stand in a line, as the applause dies down, waiting for Trixie and Joe to have a quick word with each of them.

“Welcome along, Mia!” begins Joe. “How was the snail?”

The petite girl laughs, her face lighting up, and her dark curls dancing in time to the movement of her shoulders that her laughter creates. “Crunchy,” she tells Joe, “but okay!”

“After you took it out,” Joe says, asking the question we all want answered, “what on earth made you put it back in and eat it?”

“I dunno,” Mia confesses, “it just kind of happened! A spur-of-the-moment thing, you know?!”

“Jaz,” Trixie says, “you weren’t giving up with that pig’s heart, were you?!”

Jaz smiles. She is a little taller than Mia and has an athletic build that looks good in the elaborately-patterned t-shirt that she’s wearing with her jeans. Her brown shoulder-length hair has been pulled back and held in place by a hairband, to reveal her full face. “No,” she tells Trixie, “I really wanted to get on the show, so I knew I had to eat it, but I just couldn’t physically swallow it. It just kept getting stuck in my throat.”

“Well you’re here now, anyway,” Trixie tells her, “and we’re very glad to have you with us!”

Jaz smiles again as the camera switches its attention to Joe and Keenan. Being a little older, he has chosen to go with the look that is generally referred to as ‘smart-casual’. In his case, this means a pair of navy chinos and a sky-blue polo shirt. It goes well with his clean-shaven face and neat, short haircut.

“I take it you were fairly desperate to win as well, Keenan!” Joe says.

“I was,” Keenan agrees, “I’m naturally very competitive, so there was no way I wanted to be beaten. But Tariq over there was just too good for me on the day!”

“So, you’re here to win the overall title, then?” Joe asks.

“Oh, definitely,” says Keenan, “I’m only ever in it to win it!”

Trixie moves on to the next of the ‘wildcards’, the black girl who spent her audition piecing together bits of eel. She is tall, almost matching Joe for height, and has a full figure. Her braided hair cascades down to her shoulders, and the colour of the beads matches the brilliant-white of her smile. “Shanumi,” Trixie says, “what was all that about with the eel?”

Shanumi breaks into a fit of giggles, but quickly composes herself and answers, “I knew there was no way I could eat that stuff, so I just thought I might as well do something to pass the time, you know?!”

“Is animal reconstruction some kind of hobby, maybe?” Trixie suggests, tongue firmly in cheek.

After another giggle, Shanumi replies, “No, it was definitely a one-off thing!”

“Well, Eilidh,” Joe says, “what have you got to say for yourself?”

“I’m really sorry!” Eilidh apologises to Joe and to the nation. She looks pleadingly for forgiveness, with her baby-blue eyes tugging at the viewers’ heart-strings. She has long, dark hair, and a pretty face, which makes her look several years younger than her actual age. She is lithe, and has slender arms and legs, which she is showing off in a sleeveless top and short skirt ensemble.

“You didn’t seem like you were enjoying the day!” Joe comments.

“No, I was,” Eilidh corrects him, “it’s just that I’m a vegetarian, so when you’s lot plonked the haggis in front of me I knew I had no chance and that I’d wasted my time coming. So, I took my frustration out the only way I could think of!”

“So, you were reviewing the haggis,” Joe clarifies, “not the show!”

“Oh definitely,” confirms Eilidh, “the show’s gonnae be brilliant!”

“Everyone, give it up one more time for our ‘wonderful wildcards’!” cries Trixie, to a tumultuous round of applause.

“So, the chairs are filled,” remarks Joe, as the camera pans across the faces of the 15 daredevils, “and we’re ready to let the dares commence!”

“Yes, so, join us next week when our daredevils take on their first dare, as they seek to become Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie concludes.

The two presenters wave to the camera as it pulls out to a wide shot showing everyone on stage, and the credits roll as the screen fades to black behind them.

We all look at each other, waiting for someone to say something.

“Well, I enjoyed that!” I remark.

“Me too,” agrees Maddie, “I can’t wait for next week’s show! You’ll watch it as well, won’t you, Dad?!”

Her father nods. “Yeah,” he says, “it will be interesting to see what the regular format is, now that the auditions are over!”

“I told you it’d be brilliant!” Lissie reminds us, with a satisfied smile on her face.