[phanmail]

You have the makings of a cool story, i'm not the best at feeback but here are a few things I noticed:

1. Your format needs work, you should do your best to format it like a book. Make sure you use paragraphs, quotations and indents that makes it easier to follow.

2. Make sure you run it through a grammar and spell check. I've noticed some odd choices of words here and there.

3. It seems like some of the parts you've written are there for the purpose of reminding you what you plan to write in the future or to help you keep up with whats happening in the story. These are best kept in separate file that you don't publish as it can be jarring for readers to essentially be reading your personal notes.

4. While posting links to visual representations of what people are wearing can be helpful it has the drawback of the links possibly not working, it also takes the person out of the story as they go to look at your link. Its far better to describe it yourself.

5. I noticed that you posted all these in quick succession, almost like you took your first draft and broke it up into three posts. I understand the excitement of posting your story and of having other people read it. But you will get a lot more engagement out of it if you write the story, proofread it yourself, make corrections and then post (you might even want to consider having a beta reader double check it for you). Notice how all the best stories here have long periods of time between posts. That's because it takes time to perfect what you write (and also because many people have little time to write).

I hope I didn't come away as too negative here. You have the makings of a very interesting story, you just have to be willing to slow it down, and make sure that you are giving everyone the best version of that story. I hope what I had to say was helpful for you, good luck in your future writing.