Nice start. So far, too early to say anything good or bad storywise. Will await more before commenting.
However, I don't enjoy the visual presentation, because:
1. Centering the text is not standard presentation; used for titles and nothing more.
2. It dilutes the story behind a visual effect and may engender confusion.
3. It breaks from the beat which the story seeks to establish
If you're going to do a list, leave it at the left side of the page. That way:
1. It fits better visually with the rest of the text.
2. It does not displace the eye when looking at the structure.
3. If seals the list within the narrative.
The same applies to your character descriptions. Use a more standard format for presentation; visually, it's unnerving to have the descriptions centered like that. Here is your character presentation (same text, different format).
Let me introduce a few people first:
Amy - Birthday Girl, average build with fairly large Tits about a D cup, aged 20
George - Birthday Boy, average build well toned, aged 20
Danni - guest of Amy, average build not so big on the tits, about a C cup aged 22
Fred - guest of George, average build not so well toned, aged 22
Also, if everyone is of
average build no need to mention it. And C cup is not so big? Do you know there is also A and B, and D is the biggest standard cup available? I'd say B is not so big, C is relatively big.