Ok Halo. I think if you want to improve your story you have to spend more time on each part. Making it Longer and more detailed. You have written 5 average short segments in 3 1/2 hours. You could have wrote one or two long detailed pieces in the time. The pieces would have been more detailed, better quality, easier to understand and would give more enjoyment for the reader. The story has potential but only if you let it develop well. My little rant here has been longer than some of your segments!
For your next segment spend atleast 30 minutes writing. Then 15 minutes improving then 15 minutes checking and correcting errors. You will find that the presentation and quality will rise dramatically.
Trystan
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