[interesting]

Everybody makes mistakes. It's normal. I, on the other hand, am perfecting the art. I'm compounding mistakes, stacking them on top of each other, seeing how far up the pile will stack before it collapses under its own weight.

I know I should stop. I know I should get a grip on myself, but I simply can't. It's like my body and mind are not on speaking terms anymore, and so the heart does whatever it wants without foresight.

To be honest, I'm not the only one at fault here. There's plenty of blame to go around, I think. Sarah, Jim, they have their faults too. I don't exactly know how to deal with them, and apparently, they don't know how to deal with me either. It's bad enough to have fantasies over my ex-girlfriend or her new boyfriend without acting upon them. But every time I try to hold back, something pushes me to new lengths and I put my entire life in question.

The worst part is, I think I can go on like this. Does that make me a bad person? I am trying to live with Sarah's new relationship but there is just so much a girl can endure.

It's the morning, and I am just getting up. I'm sitting naked at the computer, checking my email. My photographer, Peter, has just sent the stills from my photo shoot and video the other day. I must admit I'm not as fancy into pussy shots as some people, but I do get some satisfaction in seeing my sexual organs displayed on the screen. In walk Jim and Sarah. Jim is in a bathrobe while Sarah is already dressed.

"So you can let yourself out, then?
"Sure, no problem."

They kiss swiftly. Sarah waves bye to me and hurries away, late for class. This happens almost every Thursday morning since the start of the semester. Jim comes over the previous evening, I get somewhat ejected out of the room, and the next morning I wake up with the both of them, naked in Sarah's bed. It's a tad infuriating.

Jim walks over to me and looks at the screen.

"Is that you?"

A reasonable reaction would be to simply say yes and move on to other things, possibly close the pictures. Nowadays, I'm anything but reasonable.

"Yes, it is, Jim. Do you like?
"I do."

I click on the mouse pad, cycling through the pictures. He's staring at the screen, but my eyes are rolling to the bulge forming in his bathrobe. I want to suck it so bad it hurts inside. I try to calm myself and look away.

"Are you actually...?
"Yeah. I was. It was intense."

I hear his name echoing in my head. My instincts are conflicted. On the one hand, I want him to keep asking questions. On the other, I'm afraid of what might happen. With my current morality, I'm liable to simply jump him. But that would be wrong, that would not be something I could live with. But I need something to tide me over.

"Reminds you of something?"

I try to sound innocent but I sound slutty to my ear. Jim does not seem to notice or care.

"Yeah... when I played with you.
"Did you enjoy that?
"I did, actually. Was very nervous at first. I was surprised Sarah let me do it, to be honest.
"Why?
"Well... because... I was just surprised."

Poor Jim. He barely knows Sarah yet. I know she's holding herself back for his sake. I feel it's somehow my responsibility to help educate Jim into matters of the flesh. Or is that just my libido talking?

"When I was going out with Sarah, we'd play sex with others all the time.
"All the time?
"Okay, not all the time, but every so often. Claire and Cassie, for example. Sometimes, we'd swap partners.
"Really?"

Does he know I'm making some of this up? Or is he simply turned on by the notion of girls going at it? Is he a typical male or is he something different?

"Well, not as often as I make it sound. But it did happen. It's normal to want to open up to other ideas.
"It's not something I'm used to.
"Jim, do you trust me?"

There is a long pause. I'm expecting the other shoe to drop and him to simply walk away. It would be the sensible thing to do. He makes my job too easy. I want to curse at him but I can't.

"It depends, but generally, yeah."

Why must he be so innocent, so nice? Why must I be the corrupting influence?

"I want to try something out, Jim. If you don't mind. A game of sorts. If you want.
"What do you have in mind?
"I wanted to thank you for what you did to me the other day.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea.
"Come on Jim. I'm sure Sarah won't mind."

I don't know that for sure, but I make it sound convincing. Jim looks at me.

"Look, Jenn, you'll have to be a little more specific.
"I just want to give you back some of what you gave me.
"We should probably wait for Sarah to be here for this."

I sense his hesitation and I can't blame him for being cautious. I want him to trust me. I want him to stay here. I have to make my case. Jim is logical, analytical. How can I make him trust me?

"Tell you what, Jim, we'll use a safe word.
"What?
"I'm going to play around you, and if you feel uncomfortable, you say stop and I will. If you say it again, we'll end the game then and there. How does that sound?"

He pauses. I'm giving him control over the game. He'll respond well to that - I hope.

"You'll stop if I say stop?"

I nod, only half sincere, but he does not seem to notice. This rule satisfies his need for control. Right now, I care very little for the consequences. I'm not even sure what game I'm going to play. I just want to have some fun with him. Keep him to myself, even if we don't have sex which we won't, I repeat to myself. That would be too much, even for me. But I do want to see him exposed, I want to feel him vulnerable, at my mercy. And I have ways of ensuring it.

"Take off the bathrobe and lie on my bed."

He hesitates.

"I've seen your hard-on before, don't worry."

He pulls the robe off. I hold back my emotions at seeing his erect member. I'll have to be patient. He lies back on my bed. I pull out a rope. He's hesitant to let me near him.

"Now, I'm not going to rape you, Jim. Trust me."

Am I really being honest here? Can I be trusted with him in such a predicament. My heart and my brain are arguing the matter even as I start tying his hands to the posts of my bed. I work slow to give him time to get acquainted with the feeling.

Jim looks sacred now. I must admit, the idea of jumping on top of him and riding him is very tempting. I'm sure he wouldn't even mind - no, he would mind, eventually.

"Relax now."

I pull away and start dancing around the bed.

"What are you doing?
"Just watch and admire the view. That way, you're not tempted to do anything you might regret later."

Might as well tie me up, with the thoughts racing about in my head. I'm the one liable to regret this course of action. I waltz around the bed, hips swaying, hands across my body. Jim is frantic, his eyes can't keep away. His swollen member pulses to my beat. I pause.

"Are you all right?
"Yeah... just... wondering about all this.
"Jim, last time you touched me, you made me come like no other. I just want to return the favor.
"Yeah, but... Sarah.
"Don't worry... I'm not going to do anything Sarah would object to. You don't need to worry her about this."

Immediately after the words jump out, I regret saying them, because my heart is racing, my mind is playing tricks and I know I can't trust myself. But there is no way to take these words back. I truly have no idea how Sarah will react if she learns of what I'm doing right now. I decide to forego the dance. I climb on top of the bed, with my back towards his face, so I get a good look at his manhood. It's so inviting.

I start rubbing my pussy against his chest. He's barely moving. I wonder if my weight is suffocating him, but I hear no choking. I grab his manhood with one hand and suddenly I hear his voice, faint but powerful.

"Stop!"

No! Not when I'm so close. Not when I have his member in my hand, ready to pump it, ready to make him come, to lock my lips around it. He's not playing fair!

"What's wrong?
"I... think you should stop now, Jenn."

I keep my hand on his member, immobile. I don't turn to face him, leaving him my exposed backside to contemplate.

"Are you sure?"
"No... but I'm feeling insecure here."

Why must you be so faithful, so nice? I remember former boyfriends. They weren't as reserved as him. Were they? Am I being unreasonable?

"Jenn, stop it!"

I realize I'm subconsciously moving my hand up and down on his dick.

"Jim... I want to put you in my mouth. I want to taste you. I'll do it... and if you truly want me to stop, then I'll stop. Okay?"

There is silence. I wonder why he hesitates. I know so many people who would jump at the chance for a blowjob, no consequences, no questions asked. Jim isn't like these other men: perhaps that could be the reason he turns me on?

"Okay... okay, do it."

I lean in slowly.

"But you stop everything and untie me when I say stop, okay?"

He's insistent. I decide I'm not going to push my luck any further. I slide his member into my mouth and close my lips on it. It feels so good inside me; there's another place where I want it but I hold back. I start playing with his tip with my tongue, and then he speaks.

"Stop!"

It's not a safe word. It's an order. Jim is ordering me to stop what I'm doing, to stop playing with him. It hurts deeply, possibly moreso than Sarah's rejection in the shower. It takes me a moment to gather myself, so Jim has time to repeat.

"I said stop... now untie me, please."

I comply. It takes me a while to undo all the bindings. I feel clumsy.

Once his hands are free, I imagine he's going to pop out of my bed and reach for his clothes. But he lies there, pensive, engrossed in his thoughts. He's thinking. That can't be a good sign.

"Jenn... I have to tell Sarah.
"No!"

I immediately place my hands before my mouth. I almost screamed. I gather myself.

"You can't tell her... it could ruin your relationship...
"Or yours?
"Please, Jim... nothing happened.
"I'm as guilty as you are, Jenn, but you're partly right. Nothing much happened, but something did happen, and it could have been more. I have to be honest with Sarah."

He finally gets up.

"It's just a game.
"Is it, Jenn? Is it still just a game?"

His question lingers in the air, for us both to ponder. I don't want him to tell Sarah, but can I really prevent him from doing so? Would Sarah even understand my situation, why I almost jumped her boyfriend? Would she forgive me?