[interesting]

Several days ago, something happened that changed everything in my life. A small, relatively insignificant word has transformed my perceptions of my world and warped my sense of identity.

One word, one name, changed me from a sexually secure woman to an unstable and nervous wreck.

At first, I tried to avoid thinking about it. It had to have been a fluke. In the heat of passion, you sometimes say or do things that you don't necessarily mean. It was easy to dismiss this as nothing more than a passing fancy.

As time wore on and the days slipped by, I noticed some discreet changes in my attitude. The first one was when I came back from my photo shoot and Sarah asked me how it had gone.

"Fine!"

My answer was too quick for Sarah not to notice its tone of panic.

"Something happened?" she asked.

I stared at her from across the room.

"I... did my first porn shoot.
"What?"

Sarah was stunned, and I had at least for the moment, taken my stress into a different direction, and Sarah's attention had been diverted.

"You got paid to have sex on camera?
"Well... I got paid to masturbate on camera.
"Oh! Wow!"

Sarah is actually shocked at this. I'm somewhat surprised, because I've posed with a dildo in my pussy before. She's seen the pictures. Then again, she knows I'm not really masturbating when I'm doing stills.

"Four times the average."

I try to make this about money, when it really isn't, and I'm pretty sure Sarah does not buy into it.

"How... was it?
"Okay... Sarah, it's not like I've never been on camera fucking... I mean, there was that time with...
"I know, but that was different. That was just us, I mean our friends. There was no money involved.
"And that makes it wrong?
"I... don't know. I don't think so."

Somehow, Sarah's reaction is unnerving.

"Look, I did it, I did it, no biggie."

I storm out of the room and head for the bathroom. I don't get to talk to Sarah until later that day, where she apologizes for her lack of support. I try to be a sport about it.

"It's all right; I know where you're coming from.
"It was just you and toys?
"Yeah. It was... interesting. Not sure I'd do it again soon, though."

The conversation remains like that for a few days. The weekend rolls around and Sarah is gone for most of it, spending time with her new lover. Meanwhile, I'm in bed, trying to get some sleep, and all I can imagine is Jim, creeping up onto my bed, underneath the sheets. His lips and tongue play with my pussy, then he climbs back up on top of me and penetrates me.

I play with myself while fantasizing, and the illusion becomes surreal. We're flying through the air, while he's fucking me from every imaginable angle. Then, I'm on a sinking ship, and he dives into the water, saves me, then takes me to a desolate island where we fuck all the time. I'm kidnapped by villains, who hold me at ransom; he comes in and rescues me, and we fuck like crazy on the way home; or he's the kidnapper, and he ties me up and takes me by force, and I enjoy it. The dreams intermingle and dilute into one orgasmic orgy of sex in my mind. Sometimes Sarah is there, sometimes, I'm alone with Jim.

That Monday, Sarah enters the room late in the morning. I'm still in bed, though not sleeping, naked under the covers. I imagine Sarah is coming back from his home, where they probably have just had sex. I could probably still smell him on her.

I get up and stretch. Sarah is stripping down to nothing.

"Hi!"

I call out. She turns to me and smiles.

"Hi pretty!"

She smiles back. She tosses her clothes into the corner, near the clothes pan.

"I'm going to take a shower, she says.
"Mind if I join you?"

She looks at me funny. We used to take a lot of showers together before she started seeing Jim. We haven't done it in several weeks. I wonder if she is hesitant but she finally speaks.

"Not at all."

She absentmindedly forgets to put her robe on and heads out to the bathroom. I feel dirty from the images in my mind and the pleasure I gave myself last night. I do need a shower. I join her in the bathroom. The water is already running and she's ready to step inside.

"How was your weekend?
"It was nice.
"What did you do?
"Well, Jim took me dancing Saturday Night, and we got pretty drunk. We made out in the bar. We were too wasted to do anything about it until the next morning, though.
"That gone?
"Yeah."

I remember once, a year and a half ago, Sarah and I had gotten so drunk we'd had sex five times during that same night. My most memorable night ever, possibly.

We step under the water. It's lukewarm, just the right temperature, just how we both like it. Sarah keeps talking, but all I can do is stare at her crotch and imagine Jim's taste still permeating it.

"And then, Sunday, we went for a walk, got some ice cream and he paid for dinner. We rented a movie for the night... well two, but we only watched one.
"Come on, Sarah, I'm living by proxy now. Details?"

Sarah, who was starting to lather herself, stops and looks at me.

"Well, if you must know... during the movie, I started rubbing him with my hand.
"Go on?
"So naturally, it came to attention. Jim looked at me, asking what I was doing. I unzipped his pants and popped it out through the opening.
"He doesn't wear underwear?
"He didn't that day. I started playing with it, rubbing it up and down. I asked if he wanted to do something to me.
"And?
"He said yes. I pulled off my panties; I was wearing a short black skirt...
"I know the one...
"And he reached in, played with me for a while. We decided to pause the movie.
"What happened next?"

As Sarah keeps talking, my hand slides towards my crotch. It's a half conscious gesture. I just decide not to stop it.

"Well, he removed my top, and started kneading and kissing my breasts, while still playing with me. I got him to sit high on the sofa and started sucking him off for a while. Then we swapped positions and he began eating me... Jenn, are you masturbating?"

I realize I've been teasing myself ever since she started her description. I stop what I'm doing for a moment.

"I guess I am. Does it bother you?
"No... not really."

We've been so intimate with each other this almost feels natural now. Her mind is elsewhere, in her stories, she's barely paying attention to me. Does she realize how much she is turning me on?

"So he's eating me out, and I ask him to fuck me. Now, he steadies himself, I turn around and raise my ass, and he slides it into my pussy, nice and slow, and starts pumping. We're trying to remain standing, held up on his sofa, and he's really doing a good job of it..."

Sarah stops her story for a moment.

"Now I'm getting turned on again..."

Her words take me over, as if she is inviting me into her intimacy. I try to simply smile at her, and then a sudden impulse overtakes me. I lean in and kiss her passionately. At first, she is stunned and resists, but she quickly lets her guard down and returns my kisses. As our lips remain locked, I glide one hand down her to her stomach. She pulls away, fully aware of the progress my hand is making.

"Jenn, what are we doing?"

I kiss her back, not letting her utter another word. She is not really fighting it. My hand reaches her sex, already wet from her stimulation as much as the water. I start playing with it.

She pulls away again, and I'm frustrated. I want to force myself onto her, but I care for her too much to hurt her in any way. I pull my hands away from her and simply go back to kissing. She wraps her arms around me and I wrap my arms around her. We kiss for a long moment before she finally pulls away.

"Dammit Sarah... I..."

I'm trying to find words to express how I feel, and since I don't really know myself, the words can't come out. I just stare into her eyes. Her lips lock with mine again for a brief moment.

"Jenn, I understand."

Her words soothe my aching heart, if not my body.

"I've been distant lately, been spending a lot of time with Jim and neglecting our friendship. I'd like to let you do it... I really would."

I kiss her back, kneading her breasts as she speaks. I sense she is resisting me and it infuriates me to no extent. There was a time when she would have been the first one to propose. Again, she pulls me away.

"I want to taste you..."

My words slip by without my consent. Sarah smiles at me.

"Okay... okay... you can taste me here and now. But Jenn..."

I start kneeling in front of her but she holds me back for a moment.

"Jenn, listen to me. This is here, and now, this is you and me, and no one else. Things like this... shouldn't happen... even if we want them to."

I nod in agreement. I don't know how far she'll let me go. I know I'll have to stop when she tells me to. I'll do my best. I'll keep some control over myself. I can do this.

I kneel before her and kiss her pussy lips. She softly moans. I know the only reason she is holding back is because of Jim. I want to curse him, but at the same time, I want to taste him on her. I gently use my tongue to part her lips. She is looking up, away from me. Is she imagining Jim down there? Is that how she justifies letting me do this?

I play with her with my tongue and she is letting me have my way with her. I try to plunge my tongue into her cavity. For a moment, I think she is going to resist, but then she lets me slide it into her. The moan gets louder. I hear panting on her end. She's not telling me to stop. I don't think she's focused on the here and now anymore. Sarah often does that. She lets her mind wander and then she loses perspective of what's actually going on.

I start to knead her breasts as I eat her out. I know her sex intimately. I can tell how far she is along and I want to take her all the way. She shivers from my touch and the water.

Eventually, before she reaches her climax, she regains enough of her senses to pull herself away from me. It takes me a great effort not to pursue, to let her go, to release her. This has probably already gone farther than she had imagined.

I sit down at the edge of the bath, afraid of her reaction. She smiles, so I know I'm all right with her.

"Maybe I should get out of the shower now.
"Maybe you should."

I know she does not really want me to get out, but I think it's safer this way for the moment. I know Sarah. Everything here, everything between us will remain between us. I trust her and she trusts me.

Maybe we shouldn't take showers together anymore.