[interesting]

I guess something happened many years ago that changed my outlook on life. It got me thinking about all those experiences I could live or wanted to live, and I decided, though not very consciously at the time, to act on almost every impulse, good or bad, that ever came into my mind.

I'm only bringing this up because I have begun to realize that this way of life isn't all it's cracked up to be. In the past few weeks, I have lived through things which some years or months back would never have seemed possible to me. The irony is doubled by the fact that I seem to be pushing my limits further than before since I started going out with Jim. In the past few weeks, I've experienced a threesome (not entirely new for me but I'd never been involved in a relationship at the same time in my previous experiences); I've done an erotic movie with my best friend filmed by my boyfriend; I've even let someone I don't really like lick me while I peed on her, all part of some strange bondage fantasy. That last experience, particularly, has left me wondering about myself. It's also the only one I did not share with Jim.

When I set out after Jim, around six months ago, I wanted to tone myself down. I wanted to give Jim time to catch up to my level of comfort with my friends and with my sexuality. I remember distinctly promising myself to hold back, and then failing to live up to that promise multiple times. I remember promising Jim to do the same once we became officially an item; I can recall several occasions where I pushed my limits to the breaking point since then.

I'm coming to a sad realization in my life, one that I'm not very proud of. I can't keep my word, not to my friends and not to myself. I have tried to keep my ideas in check, or to simply let them be or keep them as fantasies, but my fantasies have a way of catching up with me. I somehow always manage to live them out, even the ones which disgust me, like that incident with Brigitte. I get some cheap thrill out of it. I never worry about the consequences. And here I was, just yesterday, congratulating myself on how much I've changed since Jim, how much more reflexion I bring to my activities!

My real question is what to do about it. It's not the first time I've had these thoughts but it really is the first time when they actually disturb me. I'd speak to Jim about it, but I want to work these things out on my own. Besides, how many promises have I already broken since we've been together? Too many, that's all I know. I don't want to involve him anymore than I have to in my problems.

The night after we play master and slave with Brad and Brigitte, I barely get to sleep. I find it ironic that Jim seems to simply put the whole encounter behind him. I think he had fun humiliating my former boyfriend, Brad. I think this made him feel good about himself. Having never experienced that kind of rush, he seems to have adopted it with ease. I don't mind at all. He's finding his niche, something with which he is comfortable. I'm the one experiencing the stress, hesitation and guilt.

As I lie awake in bed, I think of Jennifer and all that's happened between me and her. I understand why she can't bring herself to confront me. My feelings towards Brigitte reflect those I currently have for Jennifer. When Brad told me Brigitte wanted to meet me, I was ecstatic about it. I wanted to meet the girl who had stolen Brad's heart; ironically enough, she wanted to do the same. When we met and she came at me aggressively, I decided to play with her and not get angry. When she pushed her advances on me, I took control of the situation. But I forgot the most basic rule of master/slave relationships. The power is shared, and it's often the slave who has the most control over what's happening. I let myself believe that I could handle Brigitte; I think I imagined it would be like handling Jennifer. I was wrong. I did something stupid with it. It's not so much peeing on her as letting her lick me, I now realize.

I love Jennifer so much; I don't want to let her go. In some sick way, Brigitte was taking Jennifer's place. She was someone I could control, someone I could bend to my will, someone I could vent upon my frustrations over Jennifer. But I may have to let Jennifer go, because as much as I love her, I know I love Jim more.

I manage to get a few hours of restful sleep, but even my dreams are tormented by images of Brigitte and myself in bondage. The details are sketchy but I know what they represent.

In the morning, I wake up before Jim. I go take a shower and return to the bedroom. He is still sleeping. I decide to hit the books and do something constructive with my morning, to take my mind off the issues still running around in my brain.

When Jim finally gets up, he comes over to the kitchen where I'm hard at work. He kisses me on the cheek and I barely look up. As he brings me a glass of orange juice, he sits on the other side of the table, in his bathrobe.

"Want to talk about it?"

I must really look upset because I'm trying hard not to. For him to see through my mask, he must really be intuitive. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm studying in the middle of spring break in the morning.

"I wanted to catch up on my studies."
"Okay."

He gets up and kisses me on the forehead before heading to the bathroom for a shower. I'm not feeling very stimulated at the moment; at other times, I might have wanted to join him. I bury my head in the books until he comes out, then we start gathering our stuff for the day's activities at the beach. I'm hoping nothing happens today. I want some quiet time alone, to reflect on all that's happened.

When we hit the sand, I realize how silly my expectation is. Tom is there, and with him, Jimmy and Jennifer. I stare at her from a distance, as if I was seeing her for the first time. Jim pulls me back to reality.

"She's here, it seems."
"I was kind of hoping... never mind."

We head towards our friends. We know Brad and Brigitte will not be with us today, and I'm thankful for it. I honestly don't know how I'll react to Brigitte the next time I see her. Besides, right now, I have a more pressing issue with my best friend.

Jennifer looks up at us but doesn't smile. I wonder how much coercing Tom had to do to get her here. She's not even carrying a bag, and she's not dressed for the beach at all.

"Hi Jenn."
"Sarah. Jim."

Her tone is not unfriendly, but it is detached. She is hurting. I want to take her in my arms, hug her tight and apologize. She won't let me get close. Tom and Jimmy head for the sand. Jennifer is not moving.

"Jim, can you go ahead with the boys?"
"Sure."

I know she is angry at Jim too, but right now, Jennifer's attention seems to be solely focused on me.

"It's good to see you," I say.

She barely acknowledges my comment.

"Jenn... please, talk to me."
"What's there to talk about? We had fun, it was a nice experiment, and that's it. It's over."
"It was more than an experiment to me, Jenn. Can we sit somewhere?"

I manage to drag her to a nearby bench and we sit. I can feel her resentment towards me, but I also sense how this is torturing her and how much she is holding on to her grudge. I need to get the conversation going.

"Do you know how it felt to be with you again, Jenn?"
"I do."
"When we broke up..."
"That was over a year and a half ago, Sarah, get over it."
"Jenn, when you broke up with me, you told me it was for my own good. Remember?"
"I remember. What's your point?"
"You hurt me back then, but you were right."
"You sure know how to cheer a girl up!"

I try to grab her hand but she pulls it away.

"Jenn!"
"What? What do you want me to say? It was a bad idea, Sarah, simple as that. We thought we could make it work, we both did! But Jim... he's not into that."
"He might come around to it.
"You're fooling yourself if you think that."

She looks towards Jim.

"He's not the best looking guy on the block or the most athletic, but he is caring, smart and intelligent. I can see what you love in him."
"You love him too, right?"
"No. Not in the same way I love you. Sure, I'd like to fuck him, but have you ever met a guy I wouldn't fuck?"

She marks a pause, as if she's thinking up a few names.

"My point is, we tried something and it didn't work. End of story."
"But that's not the end, Jenn. You're punishing me, Jim and yourself, and I don't understand why."
"I don't know why!"

Her last comment was so loud we see heads turning in our direction. She lowers her tone.

"Maybe I wanted this to work. And it can't, and that's frustrating to me."
"It might work eventually. I've been talking with Jim, and there would be ways to go around his limitations, I know it."
"But I don't want that. I want a relationship, and I don't want to wait around for Jim to open his mind, because chances are he won't. Sarah... do you realize you're the only real girlfriend... steady relationship I've ever had?"
"No, but now that you mention it..."
"You've always been my number one. Just because I've had sex left and right doesn't make it untrue."

I look away, somehow intimidated by her words.

"Whenever I'm around you Sarah, things happen."
"Believe me; things happen even when you're not there. At least, when it's you, it's easier to deal with."

Jennifer seems puzzled by my reaction.

"Want to talk about it?"

I hear Jim's voice echo in hers.

"No. It's really nothing I can't handle on my own. Jenn, you've always been by my side, no matter what. What changed? Is it Jim?"
"As much I'd like to say yes, no. It's not him."
"Then what?"
"I wish I knew."

I think about my own situation and compare it to Jennifer's. I want to help sort her life out.

"Maybe you're jealous?"
"Of?"
"Me and Jim. I mean, we're in a steady relationship now... as much as we can be."

My side note does not go unnoticed to Jenn but she remains on topic.

"I guess I just want what you have. So maybe it's jealousy."
"I wish I could give it to you."
"You do... in your own way. I just have to deal with these issues, and to be honest Sarah, this time apart, these few days, they have helped me clear my head. I guess I'm not as mad as I want to be."

She laughs. Her first smile since I got here. I go to hug her and this time she lets me do it. I kiss her cheeks.

"Jenn, why do we fight?"
"So we can make up?"

We kiss fleetingly.

"I can't stay."
"Why?"
"I'm still sort of sick. I think I caught something, or maybe I was already sick and my down just caused me to feel it. I'm feeling better though."
"Can I do anything to help?"
"I'd like you to drop by tonight. Only you."
"Of course."
"Don't get any ideas."

She smiles; I smile back.

"I'd just like to spend some time with you, get to know you again. I've missed you. Not just this past week."
"I know. I've missed you too."

We hug again, then she gets up.

"I should be going. My head is all woozy."
"Will you be all right?"
"I'll take the bus. Can you drop by around six?"
"Yes. I'll bring something to eat."
"Something light."

Jennifer leaves. I watch her walk away, feeling more at peace with myself. Somewhere in the back of my head, a little voice is reminding me that this is not resolved and that I still have other issues to deal with, but I make it go away. I want to enjoy the afternoon.

Thomas, Jimmy and Jim are sitting near the water, in their swimming trunks. I remove my camisole, exposing my blue bikini top. I get a few good looks from the guys. I remove my bottom, exposing my matching bikini bottom. Jimmy is intently staring at my thighs. Thomas is beside him.

"Ya, she's a fine."
"Don't we know it!"

I smile at them and head for Jim.

"I'm going to go splash in the water a little."
"Okay. I'll soak in the sun for you. Did it go well with Jennifer? Where is she?"
"It went great. She went back home, but I'm meeting her later at the apartment."

I hit the water and splash around a little. Once in a while, I look up to see Jim reading a book or talking to the boys. Those two seem to be having fun. They're walking around the beach, looking at everybody there, chatting up conversations. I know they're good friends. I just wonder how much more they could be.

The day goes by without incident. I don't see Julie or Sandy and I'm glad I don't. This day is all about me. Once in a while, I get out of the water, go plant a kiss on Jim, chat up with Tom or Jimmy, then head back into the water. I play like this until late in the afternoon. Eventually, I get out and dry myself before putting my clothes back on. Jim comes up to me.

"So... going to your place, then?"
"Yeap. Going to hang out with Jennifer."

Jim grabs my hand and brings my gaze into his.

"Sarah, I know how much Jenn means to you. Do what you need to do. I won't mind."

I smile at Jim before kissing him.

"I know. I love you."

We hug. I wave goodbye to Thomas and Jimmy. Jim looks at me as I do.

"I'll hang out with them tonight. Should I be expecting you?"
"No. I have a key anyway. Don't wait up."

We kiss again. I don't particularly want to leave, but I know Jennifer is waiting on me. It's time to settle things. This means leaving Jim out of the loop for now.

I hope everything goes well. I couldn't stand another breakup with Jenn. I just couldn't.