[interesting]

I have been crying for the past few days. I have never been much of a drama queen, but I think right now, crying is all I have the energy to do.

It's better now, because at least I don't cry in front of Jim. I keep asking myself if this is all my fault. I was the one who suggested we try to work out a three-person relationship. The way things have gone, I'm likely to end up in a one-person relationship. Maybe I overestimated Jim's openness. Maybe I underestimated Jennifer's desires. Maybe this whole idea was simply stupid.

It's been a little under a week since Jennifer walked out after our threesome, and so far, I haven't had the chance to talk to her. That's only because she's never at home and she won't answer her cell. If she's mad at me, I'd hope she would just come out and say it, and we could talk about it. If she's mad at Jim, to be honest, I wouldn't blame her. I'm almost mad at him myself. He led her on. Then again, so did I. If I start playing the blame game, it will never end.

I did get the chance to speak to Jim about it, at least. It wasn't very productive but it cleared the air. He told me that he had reached his limit. He did not know it was his limit while we were having the threesome, but Jennifer's question about feeling him inside her made him snap - he realized he was one step removed from an actual affair. And if he did sleep with Jennifer, what was to prevent him from doing it over and over again, whether I was there or not. Why not go out with Jennifer instead, he asked me. He said he felt sorry for taking advantage of the situation, and that's why he needed to set some distance between him and her.

I had explained to Jim that when we started experimenting, we agreed to see how far it would take us, and we never promised each other anything. I told him he should speak to Jennifer about it, but he said didn't trust Jennifer to be calm about it. I've known Jennifer for a while, so I told him that Jennifer will not be the one to make the first move. All Jim answered is that there might then never be another move done.

The worst thing about this whole affair is that it happened right before examination week. My mind is completely bursting from the stress, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail at least half of my tests because of it. This may sound egotistical, but my concern is more for my academic future than the survival of my two relationships. I have barely seen Jim this week and Jennifer avoids me. I have not had sex since that fateful night, which is a long time for me. I have not even take the time to pleasure myself. I feel like I'm drifting away from my two best friends and it makes me scared.

That Friday, after my last exam, I call Jim. We talk a little but he says he'll be doing corrections for the whole weekend; I know he's avoiding me and I want to scream at him, but I let it slide. I want to call up Jennifer but she'll just give me the cold shoulder. I end up calling Thomas, and he invites me over for dinner at his place. I get all dressed up fancy, put on some makeup, as if I'm going out on date. Somewhere inside me, I'm hoping to get laid. It's not as if I haven't done a few things with Thomas in the past. But Jim's image keeps popping up in my mind. I'm still technically with him, and I want to be with him.

When I get to Thomas' apartment, I'm an emotional wreck. Thomas opens the door and smiles at me. I try to smile, but I just start crying and fall into his arms.

"Sarah?... What's going on?"

I try to speak, but words won't make their way past the knot in my throat. He squeezes me in his strong arms and I remain there, huddled against his form.

"We did..."

Thomas puts a finger on my lips, closes the door and drags me to his living room. He sits me down on his sofa, then sits beside me and lays my head on his shoulder. I go further and lean in, resting my head against his hips, as he caresses my hair. We remain like that for a long while, the tears finally drying up. I manage to speak.

"I did something bad, Tom.
"Sarah, you can tell me anything."

His smile is so warm it makes me feel a little better. I hesitate for about an instant, then I spill my guts about everything: Jennifer, Jim, the incidents, the dates, the threesome, my heartbreak, my lack of sex. He listens patiently. The weight off my chest is incredible. The knots in my throat and stomach are gone, and I suddenly realize I'm famished. I have barely been eating all week.

"Are you gonna live, Sarah?
"Yeah... I'm... thanks Tom. I love you.
"Love you too. You should eat something."

We move to the kitchen. He's prepared pasta. I wolf down my plate before he even gets to his own.

"Emotions tend to do that."

He smiles as he says it, taking his first bite out of his plate. I laugh and stare at my now empty plate, a metaphor for my current situation.

"Tom... what am I going to do?
"To be honest with you, I don't know. For the sex part, although I'd be happy to oblige, I don't think it would be wise.
"No, it wouldn't."

He takes a few more bites before speaking.

"If it makes you feel better, you're not the only one experiencing heartbreak... I think I'm in love too, and I don't think it's requited.
"You? Who?
"Jimmy.
"Your boxing friend?
"Yeah... something happened a few weeks back and... well...
"What happened?"

He tells me about his encounter with Jimmy in the shower. He is calm about it: he's obviously had time to digest the events.

"Thing is, he seemed to enjoy it as much as I did... but... he's never been gay before. I mean, he's not gay...
"That you know of. Maybe he's bi?
"I don't think so. I don't understand why he did it. He said it was for fun. And it was great!"

I look at Tom and sympathize. When you're in the middle of a situation, it's easy to forget about the troubles your friends have. I'm not the only one uneasy about my feelings for the people I love. Silently, I ponder at giving him a blowjob to soothe his body; but I come to the same conclusion as he does. Sex is not a solution, it's just an ointment we put on the wound that covers it up but doesn't heal it. Still, the thought of sucking Tom's sex makes me all wet. I really need some gratification in the near future.

"I think I can handle Jennifer... if she'll speak to me. I'm more worried about Jim.
"If you'd like, I can talk to Jennifer on your behalf. You should handle Jim.
"Yeah... I'd love to handle Jimmy for you.
"He might like it."

We both laugh. We decide to watch a movie. To avoid temptations, we choose an action flick. In the middle of the movie, my phone vibrates. My caller I.D. tells me it's Brad. I answer.

"Brad?
"Sarah... lovely... you busy?
"Yes and no. I'm with Tom.
"Not with your boyfriend?
"Don't get me started!
"Oh... Sorry.
"Nah it's okay. What do you want?
"I'd like... to ask you out.
"Brad?
"Not like that."

Thomas is looking at me inquisitively. He's paused the movie.

"I need to talk to someone.
"Pick a number!"

Thomas doesn't understand why I'm laughing. He can't hear Brad'S side of the conversation.

"Can Tom come along?
"Sure... I'd be happy to have his insight. I just need... I need my friends.
"Where are you?
"I'm... at the Sea-Side."

I know the place. It's a small bar that lies just beside the beach; it has a beachfront. I ask Tom if he wants to go meet up with Brad. I mention that I think Brad is having his own problems. Tom agrees to go.

"We'll be there in twenty minutes.
"Great. Thanks a lot. See you soon.
"And you. Bye."

I hang up.

"Girl troubles?
"I don't know. Maybe."

We head out. We walk the distance because neither Tom nor I have a car. Besides, the Sea-Side is not that far from Tom's place.

We get there a little sooner than expected and we find Brad sitting on a stool on the beachside. After hugs and kisses, we sit down and the waitress comes over. We order drinks and she departs.

"So glad to see you both."

I stare at Brad. Something is different about him, but Tom is the one to pick it up.

"What happened to your eyebrows?... And your body hair?"

That's the detail. Brad doesn't have eyebrows. He wears short sleeves and his arms are clean, not even a stubble. He's shaved his arms and eyebrows. Maybe more, but we can't see it.

"It's a complicated story, so I'll start from the beginning. You remember Brigitte?
"Well, I answer, we know what you told us about her.
"I've started seeing her again. She's forgiven me for... my past mistakes.
"You got into an accident with her, right?
"And then dumped her!"

Thomas is too enthousiastic about that last remark. I cool him down as the waitress returns with our drinks. We pay and tip her.

"Yeah... well. I've got a lot to atone for. I can't go into details, but I can tell you I'm winning her back. One day at a time.
"She got you to shave, right?
"Yeah.
"Everywhere?
"Everywhere."

I can't help but smile. In the past, I've seen Thomas and Barry naked and shaved; seeing a man's sex clean shaven is so hilarious to me. I'm almost eager to ask Brad for the final result, but I keep my ideas to myself. Tom picks up the conversation.

"Is it going according to plan? Are you gonna hook up with her again?
"We are... maybe."

I intervene.

"How can we help?
"Here's the thing. I really did a number on her last summer so she's making me pay for it.
"And you want to get back with her?"

Thomas is almost shocked.

"You... don't know her. She's...
"Powerful, right?"

Brad looks at me with an intrigued look.

"Can I tell you why it didn't work between you and me, Brad?
"I guess so.
"You're a submissive.
"And?
"So am I. Someone has to take the lead, and in your case, it's Brigitte. Am I right?"

He smiles shyly and looks away. Thomas' eyes widen as he understands.

"Oh! She's got you running through hoops.
"Don't say it too loud. She doesn't want people to know.
"She doesn't?
"Well, it's more like... if people know, they'll understand. She's... humiliating me.
"And you like it?
"I do.
"Have you had sex? I inquire.
"Yes. Well, sort of. She's doing all the work; I'm on the receiving end. How is that relevant?"

I think about his situation, reflecting on mine as much as Thomas'.

"How much control does she have over you?
"Only when we're together."

Brad lowers his voice.

“I'm her slave.”
"That's what I thought. Are you allowed to tell us your limits?
"No. She doesn't want me to.
"Okay. I won't insist."

Thomas looks perplexed.

"I get it. I don't see how we can help.
"Well. When I initially left her, it was... because of Sarah. I wanted to get Sarah back... and I goofed up. Anyway, that's in the past. But... she wants to meet you.
"Me? I'm flattered.
"She wants to know what type of girl could snag me away.
"And me? asks Tom.
"Well, you're here now. This is more about Sarah, but I don't think she'd mind you knowing.
"So she wants to meet with me.
"Yeah."

Tom and Brad stare at me. Ideas are popping into my head, but I'm scared. Last time I had an idea, it backfired on me. I can't afford another mistake. Tom intervenes.

"You're thinking of killing many birds with one stone, right?
"Tom, I'm not sure any idea I have is good.
"Sarah, grow up."

Brad looks puzzled.

"What's going on?
"Let's just say Sarah and I have our own little problems at the moment.
"Oh... sorry to hear that.
"I'm thinking Sarah has a plan, but doesn't want to voice it aloud.
"Why not, Sarah?
"Because last time I had a brilliant idea, it caused the problem I'm in right now.
"You're not alone here, Sarah, Tom insists. Brad and me, we want to help. We need help too.
"I don't need help. I just need Sarah.
"Brad, just go along.
"Okay... fine. What's your idea, Sarah?"

I pause to think. If I voice it out, and Tom and Brad pick up on it, it will happen. Are the consequences of failure worst than letting things stay as they are? I've lost touch with Jennifer, Jim will barely speak to me and wants to avoid confrontation, Tom is aching for a man who may or may not be gay, Brad's girlfriend wants to meet with me (and humiliate him in front of me, I can read between the lines).

"Do you guys have anything planned... for spring break?
"That's next week.
"It is, Brad. Do you?
"No... Well... depends on Brigitte, but technically no.
"Tom?
"I have a match the other Sunday, after the week. Some training but otherwise nothing.
"Okay... Here's what I'm thinking. We invite our friends over for spring break. Hang at the beach. Tom, you get Jimmy and Jenn over. Brad, you tell Brigitte I'll meet her if she agrees to spend the week with us partying. I'll get Jim to go along.
"You two broke up?
"Not really. But... there's trouble. I can manage it.
"And what of spring break?"

I don't want to tell Thomas that I don't really have an answer. My goal is simply to get the people together, have fun, relax and maybe play some games. Try to reconnect the dots.

"What about the others? asks Brad.
"Others?
"Our other friends... Cassie, Claire...
"Those two are going away for the week to Florida. We might invite Bonnie and Barry, but I know they're also going on vacation somewhere... Don't know where though.
"So it would be the... seven of us?"

I did the math and came up with the same number.

"Yeah. Tom, do what you can to get Jennifer to speak to me. If we could speak before Monday...
"Okay... so how do we do it?
"Well, I say we meet up on Monday, around noon, at the beach. Right here."

I point to the beach beside the Sea-Side.

"And then, we see what we want to do for the week. Tom, I'm counting on you.
"Sarah, have I ever failed you?
"No you haven't... sometimes I wish I were a man!
"I wish the same thing, Tom replies."

Brad smiles. We both look at him.

"Well, if you were a man, we'd make one heck of threesome here..."

I smile. I'm glad Brad is over me. When he focuses on someone, he can be downright disconcerting. I'm getting a feeling that this Brigitte woman knows how to handle him. I can't wait to see her in action. I look back to Tom. He's trying to remain positive about this. I've seen that stare in his eyes before: he's thinking of Jimmy now, I know it. I'm thinking of Jennifer and Jim. My best friend, my boyfriend. I need to set things right with both of them. I'll start with Jim. I'll start tonight.

I'll drop by his place uninvited, I'll take him away from his work, I'll play with him, stimulate him, anyway he wants it, anyway he tells me to. I'll have sex with him, hard and heavy or soft and passionate, whichever he's in the mood for. I'll let him grope me, fondle me, do whatever he wants. I'll suck him dry if that's what he wants, I'll let him come into me as many times as he desires (or can). I'll be his sexual slave for the night.

Once he's got that out of his system, once I'll have felt him all over me, then we'll talk. Then we'll really talk about these things, and I won't let him avoid me. I love him. I don't want to break up with him. I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever else now happens in my life, Jim is to be part of it. Otherwise, it's not worth the effort. I never thought someone could mean so much to me. But he does.

He's right. We've both changed since we've been together. It's time to evaluate that change; it's time to reflect on who we are and who we want to be. I only know that whoever I am will be in love with him.

I hope Brad and Tom can find the certainty I'm now experiencing. I hope everything works it. It's the beginning of spring, after all.