[interesting]

Sometimes, I wish I weren't a homosexual.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy being the way I am. It took me some time to accept my way of life, all my teenage years in fact. I was always closeted back then about my sexuality. Now, I'm out, as far as the people who are important to me are concerned.

It's just difficult trying to hide your hard-on when you're taking a shower with a bunch of other guys.

I first felt my homosexuality when I was ten. I was changing in the boys' locker room and was staring at the other guys' butts. Someone made a comment about me staring and I sneered back at him. But that night, I dreamt of the locker room full of boys.

It took me three additional years to truly understand what it meant. There was this boy at summer camp, his name was Wilton, he was kind of shy, my age. We spent the summer together as bunk mates. We went kayaking, did fly fishing and nature hikes. One night, he said he felt sad, so I cuddled up in his bed. I got a hard-on, and he felt it, and he asked me if I was turned on. I tried to lie, but he exposed my swollen burgeoning manhood. I let him play with it for a while, then suddenly he went to kiss it. I tried to pull back, but he put it in his mouth and made me come. He said he was into boys and he could tell I was too. We spent the final week each night cuddled in the same bed, sucking each other off in turn.

When I came back to school that year, I tried going out with a few girls. I was still at odds with what had happened. I had sex for the first time with a girl in her room that year. It was all girly, and I remember thinking how it felt comfortable. The room, not the girl. We didn't last. My next girlfriend was a tomboy, and she did not like penetration. Instead, she liked to suck me off all the time. I was pretty lucky then. Eventually, she told me she was more into girls than boys, and that was it.

After that, I steered clear of girls and relationships. I knew of no other boys in my class or even my school who felt like I did. I'd hide my hard-on in the locker room by remaining seated most of the time.

I had my second homosexual experience in my final year at the school. By then, I'd been playing truth or dare with my friends for some time, and had been lucky enough to get sucked by most of my male friends, though nothing clicked in terms of relationships. His name was Jayce, and we met at the park. He was much older than me, twenty-two at that time. We started hanging out at the arcade, then went dancing at bars (I was sixteen but I didn't care about the age limit). One night, he walked me home and kissed me. We kept moving and went to his place. He talked to me about homosexuality, about how he'd known I was mostly into boys. We talked a lot that night, about how he felt about me, how I felt about him. He explained most of the mechanics to me in a funny way. Then, we tried them out. One at a time. I was finally at ease. We spent the next several weeknights at his place, experimenting with each other. I've never had as much sex as I did with him. He took his time, and for that, I'll be forever grateful.

I still don't know why we never got together formally. After several weeks, he said he liked me, but not enough to enter into a relationship. I was crushed, of course, but he encouraged me to be open about my sexuality. That's when I officially told my friends. They were as supportive as I thought they'd be. It took me a while to tell my parents, and when my father learned about it, he expelled me from the house. It took three months for us to make peace and he allowed me to move back in. He's still not content with my choice, but he's learned he can't change it. He's placed all his hopes for the future in my twin sister, Mary.

A word on her. She's living in Denver now, married, has a kid. Frankly, I don't understand her anymore. She's the first person who ever knew of my orientation, before I was sure myself. She was so open when she was younger. The games we played were, well, explicit, if not downright disturbing, looking back on them. She was into partying and a lot of uninhibited over the top sex. Right after she finished high school, she met some guy out at a party, they moved to Denver and had a kid. I still don't understand how it happened. I see her twice a year: Christmas and my parent's wedding anniversary.

I've always been into sports, but I've been more into boxing. I love the feeling of power it grants me, the relationship I entertain with my fellow fighter, the grudging respect, the bravado. I train at a private gym, and have done so since I quit high school. I'm a regular, everyone knows me, except they don't know my secret. Most fighters would not accept to fight me if they knew me I was a homosexual. It's the sad truth that my secret has to remain hidden.

But when I hit the showers, with a bunch of athletic men around me, their muscles bulging, flexing as they caress their bodies with the soap, I can't help but be turned on. Usually, I focus on myself. One thing we've done once in a while is wank off together while showering. That I enjoy. To them, it's a silly game without consequence. To me, it's as close as I'm ever going to get to having sex with any of them.

And then, there's Jimmy. He's the only who knows, and he doesn't care. He thinks most of the others wouldn't mind either, but it's my decision so he stays mute.

Jimmy is here in the shower. He's much smaller than me, but his fists are some of the deadliest weapons I've seen in a long time. His punches just keep coming, fast and unblockable. He's welterweight; I'm light heavyweight. We don't usually brawl together except for practice.

I'm leaning in against the wall so that my hard-on is less obvious. If anyone notices, they say nothing. Eventually, the shower empties. It's very late in fact, the gym is closed, but regulars sometimes stay afterwards. Eventually, there's only Jimmy and me left in the shower. Jimmy chipped a tooth during his last match, and he's caring for it right now.

"Damn right hook."

I move over to him. He opens his mouth. I check the chip. It's not that big a chunk missing.

"You'll be fine, you sissy.
"You're the sissy, Tommy."

I try to laugh. It still hurts sometimes when I get called names. Jimmy notices.

"Sorry... don't mean to offend ya.
"S'all right.
"Hey man, cheer up."

I try to smile, but I still feel like an outsider with these people. Jimmy stares at me funny.

"Ya know what ya need?
"What?
"A good jack-off."

He laughs. He's actually right. I haven't been with anyone in several months; well, if you don't count that encounter with Sarah at the end of December.

"M'gonna make your day, Tommy.
"How's that?"

He spins me around. I'm too surprised to resist. He reaches around and grabs my dick. I freeze.

"Jimmy.
"What? Don't want me to wank ya off?
"I do... it's just... I still owe you for the park thing.
"Nah... water under th'bridge. Too tense, man. Enjoy it."

In all the years I've known Jimmy, he has never done anything like this. I go with it, of course. He leans in against me and I feel his own dick press against my lower buttocks. He starts wanking me and I feel myself tremble. He's rubbing himself against me. I'm half expecting to wake from this daydream but it doesn't end.

He's actually doing a great job of stimulation and I'm wondering if he's had experience. Then again, he's probably had experience on himself. Just as I'm about to come, he stops.

"Why'd you do that?"

For a moment, I feel like he's playing a trick on me. He keeps my shaft in his hand, then starts pumping again.

"Heard a guy say, if ya stop before ya come, ts'even better!"

And he starts pulling again. I close my eyes and let Jimmy pump me good. I hold back any moans, in case someone is still left in the locker room, even though chances of that are slim. Just as I'm about to come again, he stops. How does he know?

I pull away from him.

"Dammit Jimmy, stop playin' with me like that.
"Ya don't like it.
"I do. That's the thing. Either do it or don't."

I stare at him and his crotch. He's a hard as me. Is this turning him on too? As far as I know, Jimmy's not into boys at all. So what's the deal?

"Tell ya what, Tommy. Suck me off and I'll finish jackin' ya.
"No."

It takes all my willpower to resist. I want to suck him so hard, I want to taste him in my mouth. But I can't let this go on, not without an explanation.

"Jimmy, tell it to me straight.
"Straight... funny.
"Jimmy!"

My expression breaks his laughing mood.

"Look, ya don't want it, fine."

He goes to leave.

"Wait. Jimmy, just tell me why you're doin' this?"

He pauses.

"'Cause man, ya're my best, and I see ya, pinin' away, starin' at them dicks, and I say, man, he needs some bad. Now, me, I'm cool with lotsa stuff. I'm not sayin' I want a steady thing, here. I'm just sayin', wanna have fun, I can give ya some fun. I might enjoy it too."

I look at Jimmy and smile. He cares for me so deeply. He hasn't had the same education as I have. He's grown up on the streets, absent father, drunk mother, no family to speak of. All he has is attitude, and he has a lot of it. I'm probably the closest thing he has to a family.

"But if ya don't want ta..."

I jump on him, put his dick into my mouth and start sucking. His mouth opens wide.

"Oh yeah... Tommy... wooh!"

I hold back my laugh so as not to gag on his member. It was going limp but my stimulation is bringing it back to full bloom. Jimmy's long but not too large. I'd like to feel it inside my ass, but I'm not going to push my luck here. I've wanted to do this to him for so long, I'm going to enjoy teasing him and denying him, same as he did me.

"Tommy... you good at this..."

He leans a hand against the wall.

"Now don't go touchin' yours... that's mine to do."

His words are turning me on more and more. I lick, I suck, I swallow, I play with his sack, I make it worth my while, and his.

"Damn man, that's some serious suckage."

He has no idea what he's talking about, and this just makes the encounter more pleasurable to me. I sense him ready to come, so I hold back. He places one hand behind my head and pushes me back onto him.

"Oh no you don't... suck my dick, man."

I go at it full force. He's going to shoot into my mouth. I let him. It's not that I like the taste, it's that I want to feel him come inside me. As he empties his load, I keep sucking, making sure to make him as dry as possible. He's jerking about, having a hard time not to lose his footing. When I finally pull away, I've swallowed most of it but spit out the rest.

"Damn... that was hot! Ya been keepin' secrets from me, man. Ain't no girl ever sucked me that good.
"Well, takes a guy to know a guy."

He smiles and laughs. I was so afraid he might cringe back, deny the event, as many often do. But he just smiles, content and very pleased.

"My turn," I say.

I stand up and start to turn around.

"Nah man."

He kneels before me and places his face at my crotch level. His hand is on my sack.

"Now, I don't mind suckin' on it some, but I want ya ta hold it in 'til I pull out. Got it?
"Got it."

At first, he plays with it with his hand, pulling on the skin, staring at it.

"Is this the first time you've ever done it.
"Yeap. But I seen people do it. Seen a few girls, in fact."

I smile. He's gently caressing me. He wraps his lips around it. It takes a while for him to get accustomed to the sensation. Eventually, he's doing it, clumsily at first, but still doing it. With the level of stimulation I've been under so far, it does not take long for me to reach my peak.

"Jimmy... pull out, now."

He does. My timing is a little off in his favor. A few seconds have time to elapse before I shoot my own load at the wall behind him.

"Damn... tastes kinda funny... not real good."

I have to agree with him. It's not the taste I like. It's the sensation.

"Jimmy, you're the best.
"Nah man, ya are. But don't go all wimpy on me, now.
"Promise."

He stands up and rinses his mouth. I do the same. For a while, I keep staring at Jimmy, at his form. For him to be willing to do this for me, he must care about me a lot. A lot more maybe than he lets on.

God! I hope I'm not building myself up just to fall back down again.