[suballyzon]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you'll find your way to get pass it somehow. I know it's hard but during those hard times, try your best not to stay alone in your house. Find someone to talk to, even if it's just go online. There are many people that are willing to talk to you here. Or just simply talk to your friends in real life. Surround yourself with the people you feel comfortable with.

Regarding your situation with your current partner/sub. I understand the reason why she's doubted at the moment. Have you tried talking to her about your situation? If there is a deep connection between you two, I'm sure she'll understand. Do not blame yourself for anything! Kink is something that's really fun and it is a part of our kinksters' lives. However, life gets in the way. It is therefore absolutely understandable why you cannot express your kink desires during this time! I see that you're blaming yourself for not trying hard enough to get this girl, but if she feels the same way about you, she should be willing to be on your side and wait for you too! It is a mutual connection. Given this is the hardest time ever of your life, do not put anymore pressure on yourself. Talk to her about your issues. Explain it to her the reason why. Building a relationship and trust doesn't just rely on shared kinky interests, it is not just about a good kinky sex. Do not be so hard on yourself. Let her be by your side vanilla-ly to help you through this. If she's not willing to do it and be so impatient for you, it is so not your fault. Care for your own wellness first!