[alli55]

“Who do you want to go out, then?” Lissie asks me.

“I don’t mind out of the other two. Both of them are letting themselves be controlled too much by their partners!” I declare.

“But isn’t that just putting their relationship above the need to do well at their dare?” Phil asks me. “As they should do!” he adds.

“Yeah,” I acknowledge, “but there should be some give and take in any relationship, and the give seems to be all one way with them!”

“Maybe the ‘give’ was letting them go on the show in the first place. That’s quite an intrusion into any relationship, I would have thought!”

That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place: he always sees things from a different perspective and makes me think about how I see things. I love that about him!

“Welcome back!” says Trixie. “All our daredevils have had their makeover,” she recaps, conveniently forgetting about Shanumi, “and Matt’s extreme transformation has won this week’s show for him.”

“Now, though,” Joe takes over, “we’re going to be losing one of wor daredevils. To find out who’ll be leaving us, it’s time for this week’s Live Dare-Off.”

“That’s right,” confirms Trixie, “our three lowest-scorers this week will take part in a special dare live in the studio to try to keep themselves in with a chance of becoming Britain’s Most Daring.”

“So, out you come, Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi!” instructs Joe. The three of them get up and walk over to join Trixie and Joe.

“Bradley,” Trixie says, “you’ve been here before!”

“Yeah, I got through that one, hopefully I can do the same again!”

“Mitchell, Shanumi,” she asks the other two, “how are you feeling?”

“Nervous!” admits Mitchell.

“I’ve got this nailed!” says Shanumi, confidently.

“Okay, here’s wor Dare Deliverer to tell you what you’ll be doing!” Joe informs them.

The familiar sultry-yet-powerful voice of the Dare Deliverer announces tonight’s live dare. “We’re going to play a little truth game. All you have to do is answer 5 simple questions! But, I dare you to be completely truthful. The one who answers least truthfully will be leaving Britain’s Most Daring tonight. Remember, my little daredevils, honesty is always the best policy!”

As she did before, Trixie has moved to the other side of the studio, where the three circular cubicles from last week are back. They have been modified slightly, with one of the seats in each replaced by a flat-screen monitor and a keypad. Above the cutaway front section of each cubicle is a row of five lights, which are all off at the moment.

“Okay, Joe,” Trixie calls to her co-presenter, “bring them across!”

Joe crosses the studio to join Trixie, bringing with him Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi. Before they are placed into their cubicles, Trixie explains the rules.

“You’re going to be shown 5 questions, each of which has two options, ‘A’ or ‘B’. You will have 10 seconds to choose one of the options as your answer. Remember, you’ve been dared to answer truthfully!” She concludes with a cautionary note, “And be warned, we have done our research!”

As the three daredevils take their seat in the cubicles, Trixie explains a little more to the studio audience and the viewers.

“We’ve rooted around on social media and spoken to family and friends, so we know what the honest answers to these questions should be. If their answers don’t match with what we know to be the truth, the light on the panel will go red. If they are truthful, it will go green. The person with the most red lights will be leaving the show.”

“Are you ready?” Joe asks Bradley, Mitchell, and Shanumi. They all confirm they are.

“Okay,” Trixie instructs, “let’s have our first question!”

The question appears simultaneously on the monitor in each cubicle and at the bottom of our screen. ‘What do you prefer to do on a normal Saturday night: (A) quiet night in or (B) out on the town?’ Above the question, the rest of the screen splits, showing us how all three are answering. Bradley and Mitchell have chosen A, whilst Shanumi has gone for B. No surprises there! When the 10 seconds are up, the first light on all three cubicles turns green. The three daredevils, of course, cannot see this.

“Next question!” requests Trixie.

‘Have you ever been in trouble with the police? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ Mitchell and Shanumi quickly press B, but Bradley seems to be in two minds. As his time runs out, he selects A. The second light on each cubicle also turns green. Bradley had obviously been considering lying about his misdemeanour!

“Question number 3, please!” Trixie says.

‘How far would you go on a first date? (A) No more than a kiss; (B) As far as I can get away with.’ Shanumi again hits B straight away, but the two men are having more trouble with this. Bradley eventually hits A, and, just before time is up, so does Mitchell. This time, they have not all been honest. Bradley and Shanumi get another green light, but Mitchell’s middle light turns red. The audience’s reaction gives the three daredevils a clue that something has happened.

“Can we have our next question, please?” asks Trixie.

‘Have you ever had a holiday romance? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ As ever, Shanumi is first to answer, selecting A. Mitchell goes for B, whilst Bradley also plumps for B after a fair bit of agonising. Only Shanumi gets a green light this time, meaning that she is now assured of her place on the show next week, although she is unaware of that, of course.

“Okay,” Trixie says, “time for our last question!”

‘When it comes to sex, size doesn’t matter. Is that (A) true or (B) false?’

I wonder how my family are feeling about that question. I like to think I am broad-minded and not easily embarrassed, so I have no problem with it. Phil, I think, will be a little more uncomfortable, not because he is embarrassed about discussing sex, but because of the presence of the two girls. Their reactions are what I am most interested in.

I look at Maddie, who is focussed intently on the TV. Is that just because she’s hooked, or is it to avoid the possibility of any embarrassing eye-contact with one of us at this moment?

Glancing at Lissie, I am somewhat at a loss to know precisely where she is in her emotional development. She, too, appears engrossed in the on-screen action. But I wonder about her awareness of sex and her reaction to its mention.

Shanumi giggles when she reads the question, but quickly answers B. Mitchell is also quick to answer, choosing A. Bradley once again takes the longest to make his mind up, finally picking B. His last light, together with Shanumi’s, turns green, whilst Mitchell’s goes red.

Before the daredevils are allowed out of their cubicles, the presenters wander over to them, ready to conduct a post-mortem.

Joe starts with Bradley. “So, who’s been a naughty boy, then?” he asks. “What did you do to get the police on your back?”

Bradley scrapes his hair back with his hands, and says, “I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly a few years back.”

“Oh yes …?” says Joe, leaving a pause for Bradley to fill.

“I don’t remember much about it, that’s how drunk I was, but I think I was caught watering a council flower display in the town centre!”

“And your holiday romance?”

“I’ve never had one!”

“We beg to differ!”

“Really?” Bradley says, then his expression changes as something from his past resurfaces. “Ah, yes!” he mutters.

“Ah, yes!” Joe repeats.

“I wouldn’t call it a holiday romance,” Bradley explains, “more like a roll on the beach after dark! And I was only 19 at the time!”

“I see!” Joe says, nodding knowingly.

“Mitchell,” Trixie says, “you’ve been telling us porkies, haven’t you?!”

He looks at her and shuffles in his seat, his face a mixture of guilt and embarrassment.

“No holiday romance?” she reminds him of his untruthful answers. “No further than a kiss on a first date?”

“Hmmm, yeah,” he says. “I haven’t dated for a long time, so what I’d do now is maybe different to what I did when I was a lot younger.”

“That’s sounds like a pretty feeble excuse!” Trixie declares. “But I’m more interested in your last answer,” she tells him, turning the screw of embarrassment a little further, “size doesn’t matter?”

“That’s right!” he confirms.

“Are you sure?” she says accusingly.

He gives a nervous laugh.

“Are we a little large or a touch on the tiny side?” she enquires, to the delight of the audience and the total embarrassment of Mitchell.

Mitchell’s only answer is another nervous laugh.

Maddie glances at me, obviously feeling somewhat awkward at having to share this subject matter with her parents; particularly, I assume, her Dad. I smile reassuringly, but I don’t think it helps.

I look down at Lissie, to see how she is reacting to Trixie’s questions, but I can’t really tell. I assume that, at nearly 13, she does at least know what Trixie is referring to, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind tells me that, maybe, it’s time for an awkward sit-down talk with my younger daughter.

Before Trixie can get any more intimate, Joe begins his questioning of Shanumi.

“You didn’t need much time to think about any of your answers, did you?” he comments.

“When you’re being honest, you don’t have to think about it, do you?” she replies.

“And were you being honest?” he asks, even though we know the answer to that question.

“You should know! You’ve done the research!”

The audience reaction suggests that they are not overly-impressed with the cockiness she’s displaying. But she pays no attention to them.

Trixie and Joe return to the front of the set and call the three daredevils over to join them. Shanumi glances over her shoulder, to see who has the most red lights. The two men don’t think of doing this, so are still unaware of who is on their way out of the show.

Once again, Trixie does away with all the theatrical pause-for-effect nonsense that bedevils so many reality and talent shows, simply announcing the result. “The person with the most dishonest answers, and therefore the person who will be leaving tonight, is Mitchell!”

Mitchell gives a small grimace, which suggests that he kind of expected it to be him. Bradley breathes a huge sigh of relief as he realises that he has survived his second Dare-Off.

“Bradley and Shanumi, you’ve survived, so you may go and take your seats with the others!” Trixie tells them. “Well done!

The two of them walk across the studio to re-take their seats, to the accompaniment of warm applause from the audience. Trixie and Joe stand either side of Mitchell.

“Well, Mitchell,” Joe says, “wor Dare Deliverer told you honesty was the best policy, and you got caught fibbing!”

“What can I say?” Mitchell replies. “You have done your research!”

“And how has being on Britain’s Most Daring been for you?” Trixie asks.

“I’ve enjoyed it! It’s been something a bit different, and I’m glad I gave it a go! It’s just a shame I haven’t been able to go a bit further!”

“Well, before we say goodbye to Mitchell,” Trixie tells us, “let’s have a look at how he did!”

A short montage follows, allowing us to see for the first time Mitchell being thrown off the end of Bournemouth pier. We then see him eating seaweed, before hearing once more his terrible ‘kelp me’ joke. This is followed by a clip of him in his celebrity bling posing for selfies with a bunch of excited kids, before the montage ends with Mitchell having fake tan applied to his arms by his girlfriend. The audience applaud Mitchell’s efforts.

“Ladies and gentlemen, one last time, Mitchell!” Trixie cries, as Mitchell nods at the camera, turns and walks off the set and out of Britain’s Most Daring.

“So, that’s Mitchell gone,” Joe says, “but we still have 13 daredevils left on the show.”

“Straight after we’ve finished tonight, they’ll find out what their next dare is,” Trixie states, “so make sure you tune in next week to see what they’re up against on Britain’s Most Daring!”

The two presenters wave as the camera pulls out and then pans around to show a distant shot of the 13 remaining daredevils, who are also waving. As the credits start to roll, the screen slowly fades to black behind them.

“I wonder what their next dare will be,” says Lissie.

“Who knows?” I tell her, and then decide to throw out a warning to Maddie. “And this week, Madeleine, we’ll have no rushing in telling us you can’t tell us anything, okay!?” I make sure she understands how serious I am about this by using her proper name.

“Yeah, Mam,” she says, “I’ll try to think before I say anything.”

That’s my girl!