[alli55]

Once she’s recovered, Lissie reveals that she’s a little puzzled by the DAPAs. “Mam,” she asks, though why she picks me and not her father I don’t know, “what did Joe mean when he said he could see why they were called DAPAs?”

“Okay, well, …” I begin, before giving her a fairly lengthy explanation of what dapper means and why, therefore, the DAPAs are dressed smartly in suits.

“Oh right,” she says, when I’ve finished, “I get it now!”

“It’s a nice twist on the usual panel of judges!” remarks Phil. I get the feeling that the more he watches the more he likes Britain’s Most Daring, despite his assertion that we haven’t seen any dares yet this week.

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring!” says Trixie, for once omitting to tell us her name. “We’re all ready to get the first dares underway! So, let’s see how our daredevils got on! Joe …?”

“As always, your wish is my command!” he grins at Trixie, who sucks her bottom lip in and shakes her head. “We’re going to take a look at how James got on, first. So, over to Mairie!”

The film begins with Mairie and James sitting on a bench in a pleasant-looking park on what is clearly quite a cold day, since they are both wrapped up in thick coats. They appear to be casually chatting as the camera keeps zooming in until they fill the frame. On cue, Mairie looks up, so that we can see her face, as she begins to question James.

“So, James, you’ve had 36 hours to mull over your dare;” she begins, “what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I’m in trouble already!” James replies.

“How so?” Mairie asks.

“I’ve got just about the strongest accent going, so how am I going to sound like a foreigner? That’s what I’m wondering!”

“And, have you any ideas?”

“Yes, a friend of a friend is a voice coach, so I’m hoping she can help!”

Mairie’s voiceover accompanies the next segment of the film, as the scene changes and we see James arriving at an ordinary-looking suburban semi-detached house.

“James’ friend-of-a-friend, voice coach Niamh, is indeed keen to help,” Mairie tells us.

We see and hear James and Niamh getting James to try out various different accents, to find out if he has a chance with any of them. His French accent isn’t anything to write home about, but we begin to appreciate it more once we’ve heard him mangle several other accents. His American accent quickly morphs into his normal speech; his Australian accent becomes a sing-song version of his normal voice; and his German accent sounds like the sort of thing you might have heard if Ian Paisley had joined the Gestapo!

“Shall I try a Caribbean accent?” he asks Niamh.

She shakes her head. “I’m not sure the world is quite ready for that, James!” she tells him.

“After some time, they decide that his best hope is to put on a fake Italian accent and hope for the best!” explains Mairie.

“Mamma Mia!” we hear James exclaiming. “Mamma Mia! Ma-mma Mi-ia!” His Ulster accent is still dominating any Italian that may be trying to come through!

“Niamh turns out to be much more useful than James expects!” Mairie reveals. “She’s involved in a conference that is taking place later this week, and she says she can get him a spot to give a 5-minute talk.”

“If I register you as, I don’t know, Giuseppe Ravioli or something, …” Niamh begins.

“Giuseppe Ravioli?!” James says, and the two of them roar with laughter.

“Well, something Italian sounding,” she continues, when they have settled themselves again, “and you can give your talk in your best fake Italian accent!”

“That’d be brilliant if you could do that,” James enthuses, “because that’ll give me a whole load of people to count towards my dare!” He gives the camera a smile and a thumbs-up.

Mairie’s voiceover continues, while we see a series of shots of James practising his Italian accent in a number of different locations.

“Niamh has managed to get James a 5-minute slot at the conference, so now it’s up to him to make his accent as convincing as possible.”

The scene changes to the conference venue. The compere is introducing the next talk.

“Next, Signor Umberto Landini will give a brief insight into Italian business management processes,” he says.

James raises his eyebrows to the camera, before walking towards the platform. He looks nervous, as well he might! He reaches the platform and places his talk on the lectern.

“’Allo,” he begins, “good-a afternoon, ladies and-a gentlamen! As-a you know, I’m-a try to talk-a to you about-a da bus-i-ness in-a Italia.”

The scene fades out and back in to indicate the passage of time. James is still going.

“So, in-a de way everything is-a similar but it-a take maybe a bit-a more time than-a you izpect-a.”

James’s talk continues in the background as Mairie’s voiceover resumes.

“Somehow, James manages to keep going for the full 5-minutes, but does he actually convince anyone? I’ve come along, posing as a delegate, so afterwards I check things out.”

The screen shows Mairie talking to a conference attendee. “What did you think of Signor Landini?” she asks the man with greying hair.

“He didn’t really say anything useful, so what was the point of coming from Italy for that?” the man replies.

Mairie asks the same question to two more delegates and each is equally scathing of the lack of information, but neither gives any indication that they have rumbled James.

The film ends with Mairie asking James, “So, James, how do you think that went.”

“It was-a better than-a I thought-a!” James replies, with a twinkle in his eye. “Ciao!”

The audience whoop and clap as the film ends and we return to the studio. During the film, James has taken his place in the rows of chairs. Joe and Trixie are stood next to him.

Trixie touches James gently on the arm and says, “Was that as excruciating as it looked?”

“Probably more so!” James confides. “It was just the worst possible dare I could have got!”

“But it looks like you pulled it off!” she remarks.

“I’m surprised!” admits James. “But, yes, it looks like I might have done!”

“Or maybe not!” interrupts Joe. “Take a look at this!”

Mairie is talking with another delegate, a man in his fifties, by the look of him.

“Was that guy for real?” he asks. “He sounded more like that guy who had that stupid hit record years ago, … oh, what was his name?”

Mairie looks at him, unable to help, since she has no idea who he’s referring to!

“…oh, I can see him now, silly hat, even sillier grin,” he continues, “… ohhh, …”

She continues to wait patiently. Then, suddenly, the moment of recollection occurs.

“Joe Dolce!” the man exclaims. “Joe Dolce, that was him! That’s who Signor So-Called-Landini sounded like! Joe Dolce!”

“James …?” says Joe, mischievously.

“I’ve only got one thing to say to him!” James replies.

“What’s that?” asks Joe.

“Shaddap a-your face!” James grins.

There is a smattering of laughter from the audience, as those of a certain vintage get James’ reference to the title of Joe Dolce’s hit record. For the rest, it goes way over their heads!

“So, now do you think you’ve done well enough?” Trixie asks.

“I don’t know,” James says, “maybe! I’ll be glad just to get enough points to keep me out of the Dare-Off!”

“Well, let’s see what our DAPAs think!” says Trixie.

The DAPAs each press a button on their handheld keypads, and their score, out of 10, appears on the screens above each of their heads: 7 from both Dan and Danielle, giving James a total of 14. He looks extremely relieved. That score, surely, will keep him safe.

“I’m amazed!” he tells Trixie, when she asks for his reaction to the DAPAs’ verdict. “And very relieved! It’s great!”

“Our daredevils are taking on their first dare,” Trixie reminds us, “and we’ve just seen James pass with flying colours.”

“Fantastico!” agrees Joe, in his broad Geordie accent!

“Let’s see how some of the others have been getting on,” Trixie continues, “starting with Bex and Shanumi, who are both trying to convince strangers that they are famous!”

We see a montage of clips of the two women approaching various random people and bluntly asking if these people recognise them. No-one does; and Bex’s lack of success is not helped by her Brummie accent, as one particularly cynical man informs her: “You’re not famous, not with a voice like that; your voice is designed to stop you from becoming a celebrity!” Shanumi, however, after a couple of failures early in the montage, appears to adopt new tactic. Her later appearances see her get out of a stretch limo, which we assume she has hired, dressed in a fake fur coat with sunglasses casually placed over her head. At the very least, it draws people’s attention each time it pulls up and she gets out. We see a few people stop and stare, but then walk off when they fail to recognise who this apparent celebrity actually is. However, the montage ends with her posing for selfies for an excited group of young oriental tourists, who have clearly decided that she is famous enough to snap themselves with.

Once more, during the filmed segment, the relevant daredevils have come on and are now seated in convenient end-of-row chairs ready to talk to Joe and Trixie.

“Bex,” Trixie begins, “that looked tough!”

“Yeah, I don’t think my accent helps!” Bex admits. “I couldn’t think of anyone who’s famous with an accent like this!”

“Jasper Carrott?” suggests Joe.

“Who?” asks Bex.

“Never mind!” Joe replies.

“How do you think you’ve done?” asks Trixie.

“Really badly?” guesses Bex. “I think I need to start preparing for the Dare-Off!”

“Oh dear, that bad!” Trixie sympathises. “Well, let’s see if the DAPAs are more impressed than you think!”

The DAPAs deliver the damning verdict Bex expects: both Dan and Danielle giving her just 2 out of 10, for a total score of 4.

“I thought so!” she says, resigned to her fate. The audience applaud sympathetically, but there is a hint of embarrassment about their muted reaction. Bex tries to put a brave face on it.

“Shanumi,” Joe asks, “whose idea was the limo?”

“I just thought ‘what makes famous people look famous?’,” Shanumi reveals, “and it’s all the flash stuff, like limos and fur coats and that.”

“Well it certainly seemed to help!” Joe remarks. “You were a hit with the tourists!”

“Oh my God, I was so lucky with them,” Shanumi explains, “they all just like got off this coach just as me and my limo pulled up, and they were like ‘who’s this’ so I played the part, and it was like ‘boom’ everyone wanted a selfie with me!” She is unable to continue as a fit of the giggles overcomes her.

“Great stuff!” comments Trixie. “But before we go over to the DAPAs, we’ve got something to show you!”

We see a screenshot from a Twitter account appear on-screen. To maintain anonymity, all account names have been blacked out. The image on the screenshot is enlarged to highlight a picture of Shanumi, dressed in her fake fur and sunglasses, posing for a selfie with an eager young oriental teenage girl. Underneath the picture we see the tweet itself: ‘just seen some minor celeb promoting herself #whoareyou’. The audience laugh when they read the tweet.

Trixie says nothing, simply allowing Shanumi to react to the tweet.

“Oh my God, that is well out of order!” she exclaims. “I can’t believe that! That is so not right!”

“How will that affect your score?” wonders Joe. “Let’s ask the DAPAs!”

Clearly impressed with Shanumi’s performance, and seemingly unconcerned about the tweet, both the DAPAs award 8 points, putting her in the lead so far on 16. She squeals with delight at the high score, which earns her generous applause from the audience.

“Well done, Shanumi!” Trixie says. “You go top of the leader-board, but it’s early days! Join us after the break for lots more dares on Britain’s Most Daring!”

“I think Gemma’s got the easier of the two dares!” Phil announces.

“D’you think so, Dad?” asks Maddie, who clearly isn’t so sure. “Why?”

“Well you saw just then how hard it is to make someone think you’re famous,” her father explains.

“Yeah, but pretending to be foreign isn’t easy!” she points out.

“No, but at least you can have a normal conversation. I mean, how do you tell someone you’re famous? You can’t just go up to them and say ‘I’m a celebrity’.”

“Get me out of here!” completes Lissie, unhelpfully.

“Yeah, I think you’re right!” Maddie tells her dad. “And she’ll be good at it!”

“Let’s hope so!” I say.