[sciencegal]

How did you learn what kinks you liked and disliked?
I started online play about 3 years ago. Before that I had 0 irl and online experience in BDSM play, especially D/s style play. I've been interested in BDSM since I first learned what it was, but I had never acted on it. But I did know what appealed to be through what I had seen in images and videos (porn). I knew that spankings were appealing to me, anal was very appealing, and beyond that, I didn't know. Even those two things were not a guarantee, just something I was interested in. I had experimented with a bit of anal, owning a small plug, but nothing beyond that. I lived at home or with a roommate for most of my time up until then, so I never had the opportunity to play much. I had never experienced a spanking either, but I wanted to try one at some point.

Before I started including others in my play, I experimented a bit on my own. I experienced enemas, anal (larger plugs and dildos), and even bought a long wooden spoon to spank myself. I enjoyed most of what I tried, so by the time I decided to seek a play partner, I had very few likes and the obvious limits (not wanting to reveal my identity, involve friends/family, or anything permanent). Beyond that, I was open to trying new things. I didn't know what was typical of an online relationship, but I wanted to learn.

I've been very fortunate to have the play partners that I have. I've always felt safe and secure in my relationships, and my opinion has always been respected. I've tried a lot of different things, both from my own suggestion when I find an image that looks interesting, as well as suggestions from my partner. I always do a lot of research before trying anything involved before I do it. For example, I read quite a lot before I ever bought candles for wax play. I wanted to know what sort of risk I faced, potential safety hazards, what to do if something went wrong, what type of wax was safest, what technique to use, etc. I spent at least 2 weeks researching (I was in school at the time, so I couldn't devote a lot of time to it), and after I felt comfortable, I told my partner and I purchased some candles. I mostly tried wax the first time on my own due to scheduling conflicts, but because I had done so much research, I already knew how it was going to play out to start with. I wanted to just experience the sensations first, worry about "setting the scene" for a different time.

That's pretty much how I've decided on all of my likes and dislikes. I try something after doing research when applicable, and then I just experience it. I may like it, I may hate it. But going in informed lets me relax and really experience the sensation at hand. I've learned a lot through trial and error, but that's how I approach play.



How did you decide on your limits?
My hard limits are fairly routine. I don't want to reveal my identity (like most of us), I don't want to involve people I know in my play, I don't want to do any permanent harm to myself, and I don't like bodily excretions. My soft limits have come more from trying something and strongly disliking it. For example, I have oral play as a soft limit. In the past, I did not have this as a limit so it was fair game for play. After trying it (attempting to suck on a dildo), I knew it wasn't for me. I have a very strong gag reflex, so oral play like that just doesn't turn me on. In addition, my mouth is rather small so I tend to tell my partners that I am not interested in putting panties in my mouth, or any other sort of gag. I can try it, but I only get a fraction of the material in before it's uncomfortable. It just doesn't really do anything for me, so I don't like to include it in my play. It's not a hard limit, because under the right circumstances and for the right person, I allow it to come into play. I understand the symbolism of putting your dirty panties in your mouth as a gag, and I enjoy that aspect. However, in practice I don't tend to like it. It's a bit more grey than my hard limits.



How do you categorize your limits?
I have likes/loves, dislikes, soft limits, and hard limits. I try to keep my list up to date based on what my interests are at the moment. I've been active for about 3 years, and in that time my likes and dislikes have changed quite a bit. I am more focused on different aspects now that I have been in the past. I don't have specific lists for certain situations. My list is the same based on my current interests regardless of the person. I am more flexible on my dislikes/soft limits with the right partner (after a good deal of trust and mutual respect is established), but I stand firm on them in the beginning.



What is the difference between soft and hard limits?
For me, my hard limits are things that I will never do. Do not ask, I will not compromise. My soft limits are things that I will only do under very special circumstances for someone that I truly trust. I will not do them for 95% of people, so again, don't get your hopes up. I have soft limits because to me the topic is not something that I find revolting; I understand the desire to try them (such as oral play), but they are just things that do not work for me personally. I enjoy some of them in theory, and I often incorporate them into my play when I am dominant. But overall, they just aren't my thing as a submissive.



How do you communicate your likes, dislikes and limits to your partner?
I generally give them a list, explaining about each one. I have toothpaste as a hard limit, but sensation play as a like. This seems contradictory, but menthol makes me nauseous. I have tried toothpaste in the past and loved the sensation until the smell made me sick. So in this case, I explain to my partner that I do not like it because of that, letting them know that if there is an alternative that gives the same sensation, I am fine trying that. I explain that it's not the sensation, but the smell specifically. This helps open up doors since I do thoroughly enjoy sensation play. I think explaining why you like something or dislike it helps establish boundaries as well. Even though I love anal, I don't necessarily want to do it every single time. It can take a lot of prep work, and sometimes I'm just feeling lazy.



Do you use a safeword or safewords?
I have never used one myself (as a submissive), but I always encourage my partners to use and establish them.



How do you decide on your safeword?
I think using a word or phrase that is clearly identifiable and at the same time does not come up much in conversation is best. You don't want to necessarily use a common word, as your mind may gloss over it during play. Using something obvious helps trigger in your mind to stop.



What happens if your safeword is used?
If my partner were to use a safeword, I would stop immediately. All play would cease and we would discuss what happened. Why did they use it? Was it something simple like a family member showed up unexpectedly, or was it something more serious, where I pushed too far? If I pushed too far, what can I do in the future to ensure that I do not push in that direction again? Was it one thing specifically that we can easily change (such as using toothpaste for me) and then continue on with play with that change? Was it something where we tried something new and you absolutely did not like it? In this case, I would stop completely and talk with my partner. Explain why I disliked it, what I disliked about it, and discuss if there is a way to move forward with the play scene, or scrap it altogether



Do you think a safeword is important?
Even though most of us play in an online capacity only, with no one but ourself doing the action, I still think that a safeword is important. It's a clear signal to the dominant that you are not happy with how something is going. It's perfect for people who are in more strict relationships, where the submissive doesn't have a strong voice (by choice). Negotiations wouldn't happen regularly, so using your safeword would stop the scene and directly result in a conversation where you could safely discuss your concerns. Using a safeword does not mean that you will never play with that person again (hopefully, obviously depends on the people involved and the infraction that caused it). It simply opens up a direct channel to discuss your feelings and concerns in a healthy, constructive manner.




These are based off of my own experiences and I know that each person will need to do what works best for them in their dynamic.
I know it can be intimidating to speak up when you are the submissive, but your happiness and safety are just as important as pleasing your dominant. You should never compromise yourself in a manner you are not 100% comfortable with just to please your partner.