Dear readers,
my Master requested me to publish another essay I wrote to him about my feelings and recent session. You can find it in the second part of this update. But before that I would like to describe another event that has once again made me realise what I need and want.
I managed to find the courage and go to an adult store. Perhaps for you, experienced readers, this may sound very banal and simple, but for me a novice and a shy boy in general it was another challenge.
Upon kind encouragement from my Sir I stepped into a store where a young shop assistant greeted me and asked if I require any assistance. At first I just blushed and told him I will just take a look. He said “no problem, but do not hesitate to ask for help”. I think he was used to new customers and after taking a walk around the store, breathing heavily and feeling sweaty I approached him and in a really weak voice said the words I have never said before: “Excuse me, but I am a beginner in BDSM and my Master would like me to take a look”. I blushed of course - saying out loud those words, admitting I am a boy for the first to a real person. It was stressful, but the assistant just smiled and said: “of course, no problem, beginners need help and that is why I am here for”.
I think he liked the idea of a new customer and we went through some items and finally stopped at collars. He found it natural for a boy to wear one, so he helped me pick one and excused himself for not having an unpacked one to try it on. I am yet to try it but I hope it will fit me as I really like it, just like I appreciated the assistant being so open and comforting.
We went on and I said Sir would also like me to perhaps try a cock ring. And once again he approached me with more advice - I should get a plastic one: “to get the feeling it would be better as it is adjustable”. But than he added “it looks a bit funny but maybe my Master will like it”. I blushed again and just murmured something back. He did not intend to humiliate me, but that is how I felt, put to my place, reminded of my Sir.
And than the final challenge, something I actually wanted to try myself and I sort of just indicated at the leather flogger. One with a shiny metal handle. The assistant just nodded and said “it is good to have something if you make a mistake”. “Aaa…yes, thank you” was all i could say.
And off we went to the counter, where I paid for my new items. “Enjoy your evening” was the last thing before I left. It sounded honest and caring.
I have not yet tried any of the items, just looked at them, touched them and asked myself whether I did the right thing. My Master approved it and now I am waiting for his orders. He understood my concerns and real life interfering with my schedule so I was just given a set of new orders yesterday. I am once again to pee like a dog, plugged and practicing my aim. As you might imagine I failed again, not being able to pee at first that letting it go and making a mess. And a mess always needs to be cleaned up, so Sir sent me back to lick it all up. Yes, lick it! My dirty pee from the cold floor. I felt disgusted, degraded and dirty. Not even dogs lick their own pee. So extremely humiliating. So demeaning.
But it was what Sir ordered and I did not want to object, I just lapped up the puddle, trying to think of him and hope he will be pleased with my efforts.
I am now thinking how far I have come and what is yet to come. It is a hard question and I do not know if I can answer it now in full. I think I should just keep trying for Sir and let him decide and I will let you know of the progress. I hope there will be progress as tomorrow is weigh day and I am so afraid to see if i managed to achieve the goal Sir has set for me.
Thank you for reading and please be so kind to comment. I am open to criticism and any advice that can help me become a better boy. And I think experienced getdare members can provide advice - this would be very helpful.
boy A
Quote:
Dear Sir,
our last session was for me another chapter in my journey to slavery, to becoming a boy. And another painful reminder of how much I need this Sir. No matter how low and humiliated I felt I wanted more and I could just not leave our conversation. But like I said before it was also a reminder of who my Master is - a person who now knows me so well that he knew exactly what buttons to push to make me feel even more submissive and degraded. And you really brought me to the verge of crying.
Why?
First being told to publish my previous essay - my first open statement of me wishing, needing to be fucked by you, to feel your cock inside me. And to let this be published, to let the whole getdare community now what I have become. I immediately felt dirty and sluty. But at the same time, deep inside me, I wanted them to know Sir, to know what great pain and pleasure you can bring to a green boy, exploring his deepest fantasies and wishes. Yes Sir, to make the getdare comunnity jealous of what I found: you.
And than you reminded me to “look at my smooth pubic area”. My useless dick was hard at that time, almost jumping with my heart rate. I felt betrayed by my small pathetic genitals, by my hornyness. My cock telling me “you like it, you are a slut, you are a fag”.
Even my ass felt empty, not being able to fill it up with my plug. Like a mind reader you knew this. You knew how much i needed to be plugged. It scared me. But you just kept going .. admit it boy, admit it boy…say it. Again this turmoil - admit what I really want and need, letting you know so directly. But not just admitting to it but asking for it, begging for it. Begging to be fucked.
Please fuck me Sir, I am yours to use as you see fit, Sir.
Please fuck me Sir, I am yours to use as you see fit, Sir.
It sounds easier now Sir to repeat this phrase, but than it felt like I have lost my last reminder of manhood. I gave you your ass Sir. I asked you to fuck me.
And than another slap in my face: “you are such a slutty slave boy, I bet you suck mens cock good too”. Although you knew how inexperienced I am Sir, I could just see myself sucking cocks. I was brought back to all the cubicles where I sat, where my naked sorry ass touched the toilet, the smells of men, shitting, pissing. I bet you sensed that, you could see in my perverted mind: “then you need more practice, maybe send you out to find a random, suck and go, my slutty boy”.
No.. no.. no.. I really am not like that Sir… I am not..
I was so torn apart, am I a slut, would I really do this, have I completely lost my dignity?
And than back to my virgin ass - I could just see you laugh above me, laughing at my body and an ass that no one has ever fucked before. I thought about being overweight, being to ugly to even get fucked by now and at the same time wishing that you would change that. To even.. once again you were right Sir… to cum in my ass.
Owned and fucked.
I was exposed completely, but you pushed further and I had to open my curtains, expose myself even more. To the whole world. Shaking by then, being so ashamed.
And than another final degradation… pee like a dog. Not a person, a dog! I got to the tub, nervous, naked, on all fours. It took some time before I could let it go. But I did.. soiling the tub, peeing like a dog. “Dogs have good aim, did you?” I…I could not even aim, not even pee like a good dog. The feeling of how I failed even at this task hit me as I felt my pee slowly getting cold on my leg. A dirty dog.
A bitch.
Broken.
Used.
I wanted to cry, but my sad little genitals loved it. And you knew that.
The worst part is that after writing this, after your gentle aftercare (a hot shower, nice clean underwear - the ones you chose, being able to poo like a person again), I want more. I need more. This was all I could think as I was staring at the wall, reflecting on everything.
How can this be?
And now here I am once again, once again in my same used underwear, back to pooing humping the toilet, facing the back wall.
Hoping I will not slack behind Sir.
It is an amazingly hard journey, a big emotional roller coaster and I really am lucky to have you. You who understand.
Will this be published? It is my Masters choice, it is your choice, Sir.
Thank you Sir.
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