[sarahsarah]

Chapter 21

“Alright everybody,” Alexis said, “Who votes for Marie and Sakiya with their student teacher role play video?” Mia quickly glanced around the room and saw a few hands raised.
“Three votes,” Hannah called out. Alexis nodded in approval.
“Okay, how about Nicola and Alice’s adventure by the quad?” Alexis asked. This time nobody raised their hand and Mia felt a twinge of pity.
“One vote,” Hannah stated.
“Who?” Alexis queried, looking around the room puzzled. Hannah shrugged. “Oh, it’s a pity vote from a fellow bush woman,” Alexis said, rolling her eyes at Hannah.
“It was hot!” Hannah responded, slightly annoyed.

“Whatever,” Alexis said, “Who votes for Kate and Faye’s drinking contest?” A few people giggled at the description but several hands shot up, including Steph’s. Just as many people were shaking their heads in disgust; it seemed to be a very polarising video.
“Six,” Hannah stated.
“Who votes for Jenny and Chloe’s defilement of the Dean’s office?” Alexis asked the room. More hands shot into the air. It was definitely Mia and Becky’s biggest competition. “Don’t read the number,” Alexis stated and Hannah nodded and noted it before Alexis quickly got everyone to lower their hands. Mia didn’t have a chance to count.
“Finally, who would like to vote for Mia and Becky’s library session?” Alexis asked. Hands shot into the air and Hannah quickly counted them before they were lowered. She turned and whispered into Alexis’ ear.

“Alright then,” Alexis said, raising her hand to the crowd, “The votes are tallied. Tonight’s winners, as Hannah has noted, will be placed on the wall of fame downstairs in out video library. But perhaps, even more importantly, they will receive this,” Alexis reached down into a bag that was sitting at her feet, “As a reminder of their win together.” She quickly lifted, and raised above her head, a large, black, double sided dildo. Mia was shocked; it was such a peculiar trophy, but she supposed it did make sense. Mia felt even stranger though, because she was certain that she wanted it. She looked over to Becky and saw in her friend’s eyes that she wanted it as well. It would certainly make an excellent addition to their room decorations.

“It looks a little smaller than last year’s,” somebody spoke up and Alexis shrugged.
“It’s not the size of the… you know,” Alexis replied and everyone laughed. “Okay, but now to announce the winner. In second place, with nine votes are… Jenny and Chloe.” Everyone started to cheer. Hannah grabbed the dildo from Alexis’ hand and started to walk over towards the freshman. Mia moved over so that she was sat next to Becky. Alexis was still talking, but louder to be heard over the crowd, “And the winners with eleven votes are Becky and Mia!” Hannah handed the giant, one and a half foot long, two and a half inch wide dildo to Becky. It was a dense rubber and as Becky handed it to Mia laughing, Mia felt the intense weight.

“Holy crap!” Mia exclaimed and Becky nodded in agreement. Mia didn’t care; she was in heaven even before she took hold of the toy. The sorority had watched her perform in a sexual manner; they had seen her do things that, in her own conscious mind she would never want to do, and they had rewarded her for it. She felt a buzz like being drunk and she felt an insatiable arousal that came with being desired.

“So congratulation to our winners,” Alexis continued when everyone had settled down. “We will conclude our meeting for the night. Unlike one of our winners, the rest of us have patiently waited, but now I assume that many of us have… some business to attend to.” The older girls laughed and even the freshman girls seemed comfortable with the open reference to sex or masturbation caused by the arousal from their videos. Any barrier that had existed before had been systematically demolished throughout the course of the week and now they all felt like a part of the sorority.

“I guess our winners might want to test drive their new toy even if Mia was rather impatient,” Hannah added, looking down at the two victors. Mia’s stomach flipped and she looked across to Becky who bit her lower lip. It felt strange; Mia and Becky had been intimate earlier that day, done things with each other that neither thought they would ever do with anyone. But it had been a movie. Now they had this toy and shared a room, Mia wondered what their future held within this house.

“Yeah well, I guess she can do whatever she wants,” a voice blurted out. Mia turned and saw Steph spewing acid and then skulking out of the room.
“Remember,” Alexis said, “Tomorrow night is another meeting so be here at the same time.
All desires that Mia had been feeling for Becky and their new toy, as well as the comfort she felt for this place, instantly dried up. The next night would almost certainly be another night with one of the big sisters, fitting in with the rhythm of the week. That meant for Mia, a night with her actual big sister.

It meant an evening with Steph. The excitement and thrills of filming and watching her video had completely swept this eventuality from her mind. The rush of victory had obscured it further, but Alexis’ words drove it home instantly, at a time that she wasn’t even slightly ready to hear it. It had thrown her off balance; they couldn’t avoid each other anymore. Mia felt absolute fear and sensed a reckoning on the horizon. The nature of that reckoning was uncertain.

When they returned to their room just a few minutes after the meeting, Becky was holding the dildo. As they entered the room, she held it up and raised her eyebrows suggestively. “It might be worth a shot; we’ve got nothing to be modest about anymore. We can have a lot of fun this year from now on. So what do you reckon Mia, fancy taking an end?”

Mia wasn’t sure what it was that Becky had said, but she instantly started to cry. Becky looked completely confused, “Hey Mia. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say something dumb or make you feel bad. I was just thinking that we had gotten comfortable with each other and have fun together. It’s like, while we are here there are different rules, and we can just have some fun,” she said. The more she talked, the faster she spoke, as if trying to convince her. Mia spent the whole time shaking her head.
“No, that’s not it,” Mia managed to choke out.
“Well, what is it then?” Becky asked.
Mia said the only thing she could. She managed to splutter out a single word, “Steph.”

All of the tension and uncertainty was too great. Mia had spent the whole week pretending in public that Steph’s indifference and outright hostility didn’t bother her, pretending she didn’t notice, but now it was just too much. You can ignore things, whether it is your sexuality, fears or emotions, for a certain period of time. However, at some point, you have to face reality and that night, when Alexis had mentioned the next meeting, Mia had come face to face with her reality. She had come to the realisation that she and Steph were going to have a giant fight the next day and it was probably going to end their relationship. All she could now do, facing that inevitability, was cry. Mia collapsed onto her bed, covering her head with the pillow.

Becky had instantly figured out what the problem was from just the one word response. She knew more about the problematic relationship between Mia and Steph than anybody else. She instantly dropped the dildo, forgotten and discarded, onto the floor. Instead she climbed into the bed with Mia. Despite the fact they were both naked, she spooned in behind the crying girl, wrapping her arms around her chest and holding Mia in a tight hug. She made gentle hushing noises into the upset girl’s ear and rocked her lightly. Becky made no attempt to talk to her, knowing that Mia couldn’t speak and that she probably couldn’t make it better anyway. She just poured out her love to her, in an attempt to make her feel whole.

In some small way, it helped. Mia didn’t feel better, but somehow she seemed to feel a bit less bad. Just to feel someone’s love, the love of someone that she had slept with, was comforting, even if the problem that loomed around the corner was just as large. Eventually the two girls fell asleep together, Becky’s warm breasts against her back, and her soft palms across Mia’s bare stomach.

The next morning, Mia’s eyes were dry and she was in a daze. They had just gotten back from the shower together and were getting dressed for their lessons. “So, what do you think will happen?” Becky asked. She finally thought Mia might be able to talk about it.
“I don’t even know,” Mia replied, “I am just scared.” Becky smiled at her, reached forward and squeezed her hand gently.
“If I learnt anything about you yesterday, it’s that you are brave,” Becky said smiling. Mia smiled back.
“Thanks,” Mia said, “But I am only brave when my body allows me to be brave. This is about my soul, and I think that I am weak in that respect.” Mia’s shoulders dropped; she felt crushed. Then she felt Becky’s arms wrap around her once again.

“Hey look,” she said, pulling back and looking her in the eyes, “This had been a… supremely weird week. When it started, I thought we were friends, but we weren’t particularly close. Now I know that I barely knew you then. This place is like… It’s a… what are those things that they melt metal in?”
“A crucible,” Mia replied confused.
“Yeah!” she said with animation, “It’s a crucible. In a week here, whatever normal barriers people have between them just don’t apply. Our separate pieces melt into one. I know you better than I know most of my friends back home. Hell, we even made love. And it was fucking good!” she said and laughed.
“Thanks.”

“I can’t imagine how weird it must have been to do this with your sister here and to have… well you know what happened. But you came through this. It was harder on you than on anyone else and you never let it bother you. You just kept fighting through. You are brave. You will get through this. And, if Steph is too stupid to want you, know that I will be… I am… your sister,” Becky said. Mia felt tears welling in her eyes again.
“Becky…” Mia started.
“I’m sorry if I got all preachy. I was practicing parts of it all night,” Becky interjected, “I needed it to be right.”
“It was absolutely right,” Mia said, throwing her arms around Becky. Tears started to fall, but less from sadness. Becky held her close and cried as well. All you need to have a sister is love. Even if Mia lost a sister, she’d made at least one more. After a long while, the two girls collected themselves, collected their items and walked to class.

It was a Friday, so Mia only had two classes. She went to them in a hazy cloud. It would be wrong to say Mia was nervous about the evening with Steph, wrong to say she was thinking or feeling anything. It was far more complex than that; it was an endless barrage of emotions, thoughts, and sensations that ran through her brain and body. Most of the time, the impulses were contradictory. She felt shame and fear, confusion and anger. She had butterflies in her stomach, a light head, and she felt weak. Her hair stood on end, her legs shaky, and her mouth felt sandy. She heard the lectures without listening, talked without communicating, and thought without content.

The only actual concrete idea she was ever able to isolate, and one which she returned to several times off and on during the day, was a total, painful uncertainty. Mia had no idea what the night had in store for her. Perhaps she would be yelling at Steph, maybe even a physical altercation. She thought that maybe she would say things that she didn’t mean, maybe things that she did. All she knew was that she was afraid that, though neither of them really wanted it, she was going to lose her sister. Mia had joined the sorority. In the balance, she had gained friends, a place to belong, and a new understanding of her sexuality, but it would cost her family. It would cost her Steph. The person that she was supposed to be closest to in the world could be lost from it. Was it worth it to lose that? Was gaining her adulthood worth the loss of her childhood?

Mia returned to the house after her classes, though she felt that she hadn’t even left. The instant she removed her clothes at the front door, she felt like she had just stopped hugging Becky. The outside world was an abstraction. This was the only concrete place and her heart beat faster as she moved within it. Mia walked to her room and absent-mindedly surfed the internet, fear growing with every passing moment. She felt scared and anxious with every second. News, gossip and social media nonsense flittered over the screen but none of it registered. Only the passage of time mattered and Mia welcomed and feared it simultaneously.

“Hey, uh, it’s time for the meeting,” Becky said, peering around the door. Mia took a deep breath, looked at her body in the mirror and headed down the stairs. The dining room looked as it had for the last several nights with the upper class girls standing clothed in a circle. The pledges were more comfortable now in their nudity, no longer trying to cover themselves, walking easily into the center of the circle. There was a nervous energy, but a good natured kind from the majority. Mia was the only one filled with dread. At the appointed hour, Alexis moved to the front of the room. The meeting started.

“Good evening ladies,” she said, “I trust that you all had… fun nights last night.” The girls giggled except for Mia. It seemed everyone had been riled up by the movies and all but her and Becky had figured out some way to relieve the tension.
“It seems they are getting the hang of it,” Hannah said, as if casually talking to Alexis but loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Yes, I think they are figuring out the meaning of sisterhood here at the sorority. Only two days left and they will be ready as full sisters, but there is still work to be done. The people who know the most about sisterhood still have much to teach. Becky, there is no need to come up tonight. It will be a short meeting. Tonight, you girls will get some time to meet your senior sisters. That mean Becky, you will be coming with me. Everyone else, find your big sister and remember the rules,” Alexis finished.

There didn’t seem to be any need for more explanation anymore. Every person knew the routine by now. The sophomores and juniors filed out of the room, seemingly a little bit bored. They were all hoping that something showy might happen, like with Mia and Monica. The naked freshman girls started to search out their senior sisters and soon everybody was slipping out of the room. In the end, only Mia and Steph were left. For a long while they just stood in the room, staring at each other. Steph’s lips were pursed and she had her arms crossed, tapping her foot as if waiting for Mia to disappear. Mia stood, feeling more naked than she had in days, wishing for this to be all over. Finally the tension rose to a point that Mia had to do something.

“So what…” Mia started.
“Be quiet,” Steph cut across her, “Follow me.” Mia felt as if she’d just been slapped.
“I was just…”
“I said be quiet and follow me, do you not recall the fucking rules. I don’t want to do this here,” Steph said. Mia closed her mouth and threw up her hands. Steph rolled her eyes and walked out of the room. Mia followed close behind. They passed through the living room and walked past a group of sophomores watching TV. They turned to look at Mia, and seeing Steph’s angry face, turned to whisper to each other. Mia looked away and continued to follow her sister, up the stairs with her head bowed.

Finally, they arrived outside Steph’s private room. She unlocked the door and stepped inside. Mia followed behind her and closed the door behind them. As she walked in, something hit her in the face. Mia stepped back, surprised, and bumped into the door. “What the fuck?” Mia said, pulling a piece of fabric off her face.
“Oh don’t be so dramatic, it’s a goddamn robe, just put it on,” Steph ordered. Mia looked down at the thing in her hand, a dark red bathrobe, light but not weightless.

“I am not supposed to wear clothes,” Mia said in a snotty voice. Mia wasn’t sure what tone she was going to take when she stepped into the room, she hadn’t really had a plan, but Steph’s annoying aggression had gotten under her skin. It appeared that they were going to jump straight into it, Mia’s anger was growing inside, and it felt good. At least it was going to be over with Mia thought.
“You are supposed to follow orders. I am sick and tired of looking at looking at your fucking ass. It’s been all bloody week,” she said. Mia started to slip the robe on, tying it around her stomach.
“That isn’t what you said the other night, you pervert,” Mia shot back, knowing it was a low blow but no longer caring. Steph’s eyed became extremely wide and her mouth narrowed.
“You will never, ever talk about that, ever again. Do you understand me?” Steph demanded.

“What, that you lick my asshole, you freak?” Mia asked. Steph walked forward, grabbed Mia’s arm and launched her onto the bed. Mia screamed out as she lost balance. She landed on her stomach and rolled over so she was sitting down. “Christ!” Steph was standing in front of her now, face red in anger.
“Do you thing that is funny? Do you think that all of this is funny? Is this some sort of game to you? This is my life!” Steph exclaimed.
“Do I look like I’m laughing Steph?” Mia shot back.
“Amy…” Steph started.
“Mia,” she shot back.

“Fine, bitch, what the fuck is your problem? Does everything you do in the world have to revolve around you fucking up my life?” she asked. She flopped down, still heated, in her chair. Mia felt her own face getting redder by the second. Why was Steph making it all about her? Didn’t she see the irony about making a big deal about everything having to do with her? Mia knew what was going to happen; it was similar to fights in the past. However, the intensity was far greater than anything she’d ever experienced before.
“God Steph, sorry for existing,” Mia retaliated.
“Don’t talk like you’re in fucking school. Don’t sass me like I am mom. Just… stop crowding me. Just stop being around me all the damn time. Stop barging in on my private life. How can I…” she looked down at her feet and both girls knew what she was thinking, “… do whatever I want when you are on top of me all the fucking time?”

“Fuck you Steph, you think you are so fucking mature. Well guess what? I am a real person too with a whole life that is mine. I didn’t come here just to annoy you. I am just trying to live my life. Why do you have to make it about your life? Why can’t my life just be about me?” Mia shouted back.
“Why fucking can’t it just be about you? Seriously?” she said, and Mia was shocked to see tears in her eyes. “Why can’t you just do things that are for you? Don’t make your life a part of mine and I won’t bother you. Why couldn’t you just join a sorority that did things you like instead of things that I like? Why do you have to take things that are mine and try to make them yours? I just wanted one thing to be mine you bitch!” Steph said, sounding desperate.

“Well, you like to breathe air and drink water too; I don’t just do those things because you do them. I do it so I don’t die. I don’t go to school and make friends because you do it. You think I do those because I am copying you? Check your fucking ego. You don’t get to piss on life and call it your territory.”
“Then why are you fucking girls Amy? You aren’t a lesbian. You had a thousand boyfriends in the past. This is who I am. I am… a lesbian. It’s who I am. You are just… pretending so you can be like me. You are a pathetic loser who doesn’t have a personality of her own. You steal mine and then you make me feel inauthentic. If it is just an act for you, everyone will believe it is an act for me. You make me fake and I hate it and… I hate you.”

The last few words Steph hissed out were acid and they burned. She didn’t say it like a child would; Mia could feel it. It was real hate. Mia gasped. It felt like there wasn’t enough air in the room. Her chest actually hurt, her heart actually breaking as if tearing apart on her insides. The heat of the hatred swept over her and overwhelmed her. The will to fight was sapped. “I…” Mia started to respond. Steph was sat in her chair, shoulders rising and falling as if she had just run a marathon, face contorted in anger. Mia barely recognised this stranger, “This is just who I am,” was all Mia could think to say.

“Go away,” Steph said appearing incredibly tired now, “I can’t be near you.” At first Mia’s legs wouldn’t respond, but slowly she got to her feet. She felt drunk and confused, almost concussed. Finally she reached for the door, turned over her shoulder and looked at Steph. She was staring at the wall, her face blank and slack.

“You know,” Mia said, untying the robe and letting it fall to the ground, “You can tell me to leave your room and I have to. If you try hard enough, you could probably find some way to get me kicked out of this sorority. But you can’t wish me away from this world. I don’t think you’ve wanted me here from the instant mom and dad brought me back from the hospital. But I am here and I have every right to be here,” Mia said. She opened the door and walked out.