[DoingMyBest]

Miss B - sounds like really got into it! shame about the sad ending.

Sorry to tweak the topic, but... Well, I'm trying to wrap my head around if I'm little or not, but irrespective of that, I am often emotionally retarded (not in an offencive sense, but a literal one - my emotions aren't fully developed/my responses to them as well and that's when I have them). I'm very much struggling to write this (and am making a lot of mistakes and correcting them), but am trying very hard to write it as though I would normally.

Anyway, I think I was maybe a little bit excited - I was making lunch (a big step for me recently) and I was cooking (not proper cooking, but making things hot... I'm struggling to do things, so even this is a step forwards and feels like an achievement when I do it). So I was a little bit pleased with myself for 1) eating and 2) "cooking" and a little excited as I was going to have turkey dinosaurs.

Anyhow, I accidentally burnt my finger (something that just flat out doesn't happen) and I'm trying to ffigure out if my regressional mind has meant my hand-eye might regress to an appropriate level as well? Then my reaction to it all was that, even though I'm a trained first aider, I didn't want to do anything to stop it getting worse and wanted someone to take care of it/me... Only, I also felt I'd get stroppy about being patronised because I know how to do it, even if I didn't want to do it on my own. To top it off, I no longer wanted to it eat and started telling lilone it and I were both stupid and was nearly in tears over it all... (This isn't easy for me to recollect even though it's all just happened and it's even harderer to actually write it properly and make sense [making sense being troublesome at the best of times])

"DoingMyBest [»] lilone: no want stoopid food now."
"DoingMyBest [»] lilone: no Dmby's just stupid and burnedy and should let lilone get on"

I have a tendency to refer to myself third person (using various people's nicknames for me) when regressed as well.

Anyway, I don't REALLY know what my point or question is, but I think a couple might be:

Is it normal to be self-destructive enough when stropping to refuse to do what you know you should (and would do in "standard mindset")? I.E. My not wanting to run my finger under the tap.
Is it unusual that one would feel patronised for having someone taking care of them telling/making them do it because you already know to/how? I.E. I felt I'd feel stroppier and a little patronised had a "caregiver" type told me to do it and mollycoddled me - despite craving so desperately for someone to do so.
Is it peculiar that I just wanted away from it so badly? To stop cooking and not eat anything and go sulk somewhere...

How does one cope with needing someone to hold them when there is no such option and they physically cannot bring themselves to ask for even a virtual cuddle?

As a parting aside, I no longer have my cuddly - Gibbs Ravenstein - as the ex-fiancee stole it and it means if I have a bout of oneirophobia, my backup coping mechanism and grounding point is gone (with the primary one being somon holding mee or even just a hug or touch) and it takes me hours, sometimes days to recover, nearly traumatising me...

(P.S. feels like a large jump to post here... And my chest is very nervous, even if my head's not...

P.P.S. Still sniffling over the whole thing and feel tears behind my eyes - although I don't cry literally.)